We went on, pretending like it never happened.

He never asked me why I left. I never offered to explain. Why should I have? It wouldn't have changed anything.

We were too different.

When I looked at him… I saw something indescribably gorgeous. God, it was so wrong for him to be so neglected. To MAKE himself so neglected. Beauty gone to waste.

God only knows what he saw when he looked at me. Some breaker, shaker, and mover. One that didn't care about anybody, just hopped around from bed to bed, night to night, and didn't have an ounce of sincerity in his body.

Well, maybe one ounce.A

Not enough to fill a thimble. And definitely not enough to fill a relationship.

Am I really that shallow? You'd be surprised. I should have been an actor, not a PI.

Actually… I am, aren't I?

Murderer. Actor. Same thing, isn't it?

We all pretend. We all delude ourselves into thinking that we're things we aren't. That we're better than we actually are. That we mean something, that we're worth something.

Aya doesn't, though.

He knows all too well what he is. He refuses to cover it up, deny it, lie about it. Even to himself. The only reason he even does this florist crap during the day is because he has to to stay in Weiß.

I can't ruin him.

He can't ruin me.

So what are we so afraid of?

God, I'm more like him than I thought. But then again, I'm nothing like him. Damn, the man confuses me! And no one has ever confused me like that before.

Do I confuse him? Who knows. I don't want to confuse him. I want him to understand me. I want to understand him. So why don't I just tell him so? I don't know that, either.

I kissed him.

I had that moment. And I just… walked away. Suddenly, I was the one who didn't want anybody getting close, just when he was ready to let me inside. Cold feet. Cowardice. Whatever you want to call it. I got it, and I got it bad.

I couldn't just throw Aya away in the morning like all my other one-night stands. I had to work with him. Live with him. Kill with him. I couldn't use him like some expendable commodity and send him on his way like I did with everybody else.

And still… I wanted him.

But I couldn't say so, so I walked away.

After only one kiss.

Flowers by day. Murders by night. It all went on. Life does that. It doesn't stop for you to get what you want. It gives you your chances and goes on its merry way. Life doesn't care what you want. It doesn't care what anybody wants. It just goes on.

I was a shell.

Drowning myself in sex and tobacco as usual, along with the alcohol. Oh sure, anyone you ever asked would have said I was as happy as a clam. Best I'd ever been.

Inside, I was dying.

Okay, so that's melodramatic. I wasn't literally dying. But it sure as hell felt like it. Part of me was slipping away as sure as anything, and being replaced by this empty, shallow façade.

Broader grins. Emptier eyes.

I wanted to scream at him sometimes. That I was sorry. That I screwed up. That I was a fucking moron that didn't know what he had till he wrecked it.

But I didn't.

I've got pride. And stupidity. The mixture of the two makes me a relentless, undauntable, stubborn bastard when it comes to my reputation.

It scared me, the fact that I wanted him so badly, despite everything that had happened, between us and singularly. Why him? God, why HIM? I could have seduced the pants off almost anybody in less than one night's time, and here I was, angsting over Aya for months.

After only one kiss.

I could still feel it, when I closed my eyes and thought about it. How tight he'd held me, melting. How tight I'd held him, afraid he'd slip through my fingers.

I didn't hold on tight enough.

He'd slipped through anyway. Like water through a sieve. And I was left holding the empty sieve, crying over the water spilt at my feet.

I saw him on missions now, and that was all. Once in a while, I spied him in the Koneko, but he usually stayed away from me. I was getting later and later to work in the mornings, and the guys were all getting pissed at my irresponsibility.

Yeah, whatever.

It was some fake blowoff job anyway. It wasn't real. None of this was real. Our names, our lives, our jobs. We were all dead to the world. Mingling among the living until night, when it was time to sink back into Hell.

I stopped turning down missions, just so I could watch Aya. I could feel the weird stares from Manx and the guys, wondering why the hell I wasn't being my usual self about the jobs I went on. They didn't complain though, they always needed the extra hands.

I tried to touch him again. He always pushed me away. A quiet 'no' and a gentle shove.

I wish he would have hit me again. Why was he being so god damn condescending and gentle about it? He treated me like glass that might break if he pushed too hard. Did he really thing I was that weak?

I went on every mission. Hunted, killed. Death became my life. I lost myself in that burst of adrenaline, that rush of blood that comes with taking someone's life. I wasn't weak. I was a killer.

They all noticed the change. They would ask me about it, I would blow them off. I was Yohji, nothing was wrong with me. Same old Yohji. Like I'd always been.

And just as bad a liar as I'd always been.

One afternoon, Manx came with a mission tape. It was an incredibly dangerous mission, in a way high-tech place. Security up the ass and out the ears.

Aya insisted on taking the mission alone. Four bodies would be far too easy to detect.

I wanted to go with him. He bluntly told me no.

Manx left and told us whatever we decided, as long as the mission got done. Ken and Omi decided it would be a good idea for them to leave, too, seeing the looks that Aya and I were giving each other.

Sparks were flying. And not the good kind.

I wanted to go. What the fuck did he care if I died or not? I was a load, not like I attributed all that fucking much to the team, anyway.

I told him so.

He looked at me with… pity.

God.

Fucking PITY. From Aya.

"I'm going alone." He said it like it was the word of fucking GOD. He started up the stairs.

I grabbed him by the back of his shirt.

"Since you don't give a fuck about me, don't push your nose into my job. I'm going with you."

"No."

"Yes."

"NO."

"YES."

"Yohji." There was the hint of the fact that even though he'd changed his word, it still meant 'no'.

"Aya." Fine, I could play his game.

He was quiet for a moment. I took that as acceptance.

"I'll meet you in the car," I told him. "I'm driving."

He stayed quiet. Didn't look at me. I took a step forward to try to go past him on the steps. I needed to get my car keys and assassin gear.

He pushed me back. He looked at me. Really LOOKED at me, for the first time since the kiss.

I looked back. "Move."

He didn't move his eyes from mine. "Why?"

"I need to get by, baka." I was avoiding his question. I knew what he was asking 'why' to, and I didn't want to answer it.

He didn't move. Didn't blink. "Why?"

"'Cause I like driving. Relaxes me." I was still avoiding him.

"Yohji."

"Aya."

He didn't ask why again, but he didn't have to say it out loud. His eyes asked me anyway. I couldn't break my gaze from his. He was looking at me and I had to keep looking at him.

"Because I want to be there if your ass is in trouble! Because if something happens and we get screwed, I don't fucking want you to die alone! Because I fucking LOVE you, you asshole!"

He blinked.

He was surprised.

I don't think he thought I was capable of saying I loved anybody.

I was breathing heavy, my chest was tight. I had no idea what he was going to say. I don't know what I thought he might say, or what I hoped he would say. Maybe he'd pin me to the ground and hit me again. Maybe he'd yell back.

Or maybe he'd drive the knife into my heart and walk away. Like I had.

He… kissed me.

Right there on the stairs, a step above me, leaning down. He let me kiss him back.

God, I could have died right then, a happy man.

When neither of us could breathe again, we separated. I was clutching his hair, he had his arms around my neck. Neither of us could remember how our hands had got in those positions, but neither of us cared.

"Aya, I'm…"

He put a finger to my lips. "Go get the car."

He hadn't let me apologize. Maybe he didn't need me to.

And soon enough the two of us were in my car, and the moonlight was glowing off the bright white crosses on the shoulders of my coat.

Well, one of the shoulders.

Aya's head was resting on the other.

~*~ OWARI ~*~