WARNINGS: unmediated foolishness, a result of utter boredom, fic author makes no use of her 94 average advanced English writing skills ^_^;;;
DISCLAIMER: I don't own YYH. *points to Morgan* She does not own YYH. *points to Locke* He does not own YYH. And chances are, neither do you. ^_^V
NOTES: I don't know if anything like this has been done before. If it has, gomen ne. I didn't mean to steal anyone's idea. The muse for this came to me when I was at work last night/this morning... Which is weird, because at my job there is absolutely nothing to do with fairy tales...let alone YYH...uh...moving on...

*...* denotes emphasis
//...// denotes thought

Once upon a long, boring, Tuesday night-which would technically be considered Wednesday morning-a lone fanfic author's sheer boredom spawned a parodied, pointless, OOCed fanfic. In this fanfic there were two kingdoms-not three, because the aforementioned fic author is only a poor college student and can't afford to have three kingdoms in her story. The first of these kingdoms was known as The Really Dark Unsettling Kingdom With A Whole Bunch of Scary Demons Who Kill Pretty Much Everyone They Lay Their Eyes On...but was commonly called the Makai for short. It's neighboring kingdom was known as The Land of Video Games, Anime, Ice Cream, Chocolate, and Blockbuster Video-and was referred to as the Ningenkai for easy reference. These two kingdoms, despite living right next door to each other, didn't get along very well, what with thrice-be-damned prejudice and all, so no one ventured from one to the other...or, rather, if anyone did, they're not important in this story and thus will go unmentioned.

In the Makai, there was a grand palace-because in order to be a fairy tale, you must have a kingdom with the prerequisite grand palace. In this palace lived an unhappily married couple, who were so miffed by appearing in this fic that they threatened immediate bodily harm to the fic author if she dared to name them. The... "alpha male" of the relationship was long-haired man who wore a mask and looked rather like a female, who enjoyed touching red hair and occasionally shot bombs at people. The..uh... "lady" of the couple enjoyed consuming alcohol and nicotine, always wore a suit, and had a scar along his right eye. He was rather self-conscious about his face because of the scar, so he wore a tie that doubled as a Vanity Boosting device. On the tie was a little mirror, and each day the...uh..."queen" would hold it up and say: "Mirror, Mirror, on my tie, who's the fairest in the Makai?"

And in the mirror, the face of a wise, elderly old woman named Genkai would materialize and say: "Oh, your Majesty, I speak only what is true. The fairest in the Makai is none other than you." And with that, the satisfied "queen" would be happy to spend time with his spouse.

The king and...queen...glowered at the descriptions given for them, and made to make good on their promise of fic author maltreatment, but said fic author acted quickly and instantly plugged in a convenient plot twist.

The couple decided that they wanted to have a baby. The king and "queen" blinked at each other in repulsion, refusing to take part in any activity the infamous fic author had planned for them, but of course that wasn't what the fic author meant at all. Babies come from storks-we *all* know that. Yeesh.

So the "queen" knelt in his requisite flowery garden and wished up to the heavens-which was, in this case, the fic author's keyboard... "Oh, great spirits from the land the fic author cannot afford to rent for this fic, please grant me and my...husband...a healthy baby. Let him be incredibly articulate and tall, with long, flowing hair like mine." It should be noted, at this point, that the "queen", once having his ego induced by the mirror, was incredibly vain.

So the couple waited...and waited...for about ten minutes or so. Then, a stork came flying overheard and dropped them a little bundle of joy. The king and "queen" eagerly looked at their baby...and blinked. This wasn't what they asked for at all! Why, the baby's eyes were ruby-flecked amber, and his hair was short-as was the rest of him!-and...well, he looked healthy, at least.

Deciding there was nothing they could do about the mix-up of their order-and also deciding never to order from UPS [1]-the couple set about raising their new offspring, who they decided to name Hiei.

Prince Hiei grew up to be an accomplished fighter, who loved swordplay and killing things more than anything. The king enjoyed watching his son play, never remarking on his son's choice to wear *four* belts. The "queen" however, was growing worried. Hiei of the Many Belts was becoming more and more attractive every day! What if someday...Hiei would become prettier than the "queen"?!

True to fairy tale norms, that day came. One afternoon, the "queen" consulted his Vanity Boosting mirror. "Mirror, mirror, on my tie, who's the fairest in all the Makai?"

And the mirror replied: "Your Majesty, I speak only what's true...and little Prince Hiei is much cuter than you!"

"What?! Noooooo!" After this burst of OOCness, the "queen" stomped off, determined to be rid of Hiei once and for all.

He hired a passing brute known as Toguro to lead Hiei into the woods near the border of the kingdom and kill him-and to bring back one of his belts as proof. Toguro did as he was told, but when the time came to kill Hiei, the brute just couldn't go through with it. Killing someone with the style to wear a cloak with *retractable* sleeves was just too cruel! So, he told Hiei to escape to the other kingdom with the really long name, and that he would stop by Wal-Mart on the way home to get a belt to fool the "queen".

Hiei shrugged and crossed the border. He walked...and walked...approximately thirty feet before reaching a cottage. As he stared at it, the door popped open and seven humans came out. Hiei frowned, and uttered his very first word of this fic.

"Hn." Okay, so it was a grunt.

The leader of the humans grinned. "Welcome to the cottage of the Seven Ningens!" he chirped. "I'm Yuusuke. This is Keiko, Kuwabara, Atsuko, Shiori, Shizuru, and Shuuichi [2]."

Hiei frowned harder. "Hn. Stupid ningens."

So, despite the look Hiei is giving the fic author, he began living with the seven ningens, who were very nice. And as for why he would decide to live with seven people he just met, he just did. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

One day, however, back in the kingdom with the really long name...

"Mirror, mirror, on my tie, who's the fairest in the Makai?"

"Your Majesty, I speak only what is true...and Little Prince Hiei is still hotter than you."

"Noooooo!" Following this second display of OOCness, the "queen" decided to take matters into his own hands, and kill Hiei once and for all. He concocted a poisoned katana-yeah, you heard me--and traveled to the cottage of the seven ningens-who were oh-so conveniently out when he arrived.

He offered the sword to Hiei, and the prince-not being able to resist something that could be thrust through someone's head-accepted it. Once he touched the hilt, he fell into a coma. How that happened just by touching the sword? It just did. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The "queen" laughed and pranced back to his own castle in record time, only to find that his husband had had enough of his weird antics and was divorcing him as soon as the fic was over.

The seven ningens found their little friend Hiei unconscious on the floor of the cottage, and their hearts broke (well...not literally...). They placed the body in a glass-meant-pose-as-crystal coffin (the fic author can't afford crystal...) and prayed for a miracle to bring their friend back. And since miracles always come when they're needed in fairy tales...

One day, a handsome redheaded prince came riding by. He happened to notice the poorly-disguised glass coffin-it's not the kind of thing you miss-and peeked inside.

"Oh, poor thing," the redhead sighed, and then shot the fic author a funny look as to her chosen lines. But since the redhead prince isn't writing his own lines, he's stuck with whatever the aforementioned fic author writes. "Maybe he just needs a kiss to wake up."

Of course, this being a fairy tale, the kiss is always the best cure for comatose patients. As soon the redhead's lips brushed the prince's, Hiei opened his eyes, and spoke again.

"Oi, stupid fox, did you wake me from my poisoned-sword-induced nap?"

"I did. My name is Prince Kurama." Completely enthralled by the smaller demon's beauty and personality, Kurama went on. "Will you marry me?"

Hiei agreed, because it's a fairy tale and all marriages in fairy tales are conducted within five minutes of the couple's first meeting. Kurama set Hiei with him atop his horse and rode to his own palace.

The seven ningens waved goodbye to their friend, all the while grumbling about their small role in the fic considering they were in the title. The king married a real woman, the "queen" started seeking psychiatric help, Kurama and Hiei got married and had many gender-non-specific children, and with the completion of the parody, the fic author laughed like a crazy loon and bounced out of her computer chair to take a well-earned nap.

OWARI

[1] Sorry if any of you work at UPS ^_^ I work at FedEx, so I have to keep that little "rivalry" thing going ^_^V