JOKES
Index:
Puns
Zeke and Zeb
Van Gogh's Relatives
Three Blondes
Put It That Way...
Trouble Remembering Things
Truth In Drinks
Slow Down
Three Samurai
Taco Hell
Things We Would Never Know Were It Not
For the Movies
Funny Signs
Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier
Learning Chinese
Kids, Never Ask Your Dad About Santa Claus
If He's An Engineer
Blind Pilots
20 Things Guys Learn From
Action Movies
Snowboard Season Preparation
Honk If You Love Jesus
Man In The Closet
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit
a fire in the craft it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too.
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says
"We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why not?
I'm a fun guy!"
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says
to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different
puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
Zeke and Zeb decided to build a Bungee Jumping tower in Cabo
San Lucas, Mexico to see if it would make them some money. After they got
it set up, they noticed that the crowds gathered around, but nobody was buying
tickets.
Zeke said to Zeb, "Maybe you should demonstrate it to them so they get
the idea." After Zeb was strapped on he jumped and fell almost to the
ground before springing back. As he came up Zeke noticed that his clothes
were torn and wondered what happened.
Zeb went down again and this time when he sprang back up Zeke noticed that
he was bleeding. Zeke thought, "WOW! What is going on here?!?"
Zeb went down a third time and this time when he sprang back, Zeke noticed
he had blood, contusions and cuts all over his body.
Zeke pulled Zeb in and said "Zeb, what happened?"
Zeb, barely conscious, groaned, "I don't know, but what's a pinata?"
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the
artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His obnoxious brother Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store Stop & Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white Hue Gogh
His dizzy aunt Verti Gogh
The cousin from Illinois Chica Gogh
His magician uncle Where diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin Amee Gogh
Another Mexican cousin Grin Gogh
The constipated uncle Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking Way to Gogh
A sister who loved disco Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van Winnie Bay Gogh
A stepbrother with traveling hands Lemme Gogh
Another nephew who overstayed his welcome Willie Gogh
You forgot his British cousin, the drummer.........Ring Gogh
Or was that Bong Gogh?
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy
appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown
haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly
she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails
off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.
The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
This guy in a restaurant is watching the other guy at the next
table eating something very peculiar looking.
He asks the guy, "Hey what the hell are you eating?"
The other guy replies, "It's beef tongue!"
First guy says, "Dang how can you eat something that nasty that comes
from an animal's mouth?"
Other guy replies, "What are you eating?"
First guy replies, "Eggs!"
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things,
so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing
was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems
they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor
told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things
down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor
and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his
wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you
can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you
will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down!
I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate
of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's
best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf
and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give
me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you
drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well,
if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken
farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around
his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was
from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away
town and met with Randy's owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed
the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the
farmer decided to invest in Randy.
When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed
and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy. He told
him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace
himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers
where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated
to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through
the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and
several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. "Randy"
he said, "You can't possibly last at this pace." "Slow down,
I need you for a long time." Well, the next day, the inevitable happened.
Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards
were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment
slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said "How could you?"
"I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were."
Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said "Shh, they're getting closer."
Three samurai meet to decide which among them is the greatest
swordsman.
The judge approached the first samurai and opened a small box. Out flew a
fly. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly fell to the ground,
neatly sliced in half. "Very impressive," said the judge.
Now the judge came to the second samurai a again opened a small box. The samurai's
sword flashed twice and the fly fell neatly cut into four parts. "Superb,"
exclaimed the judge! Finally it was the third samurai's turn.
The judge opened a third small box and a third fly buzzed out. The samurai's
sword flashed through the air and the fly continued to buzz away. The third
samurai put up his sword with a satisfied grin on his face. "But the
fly still lives" observed the judge. "True," replied the samurai,
"But he will never reproduce again!"
The following is a *true* story. It amused the heck out of me
while it was happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there"
things.
On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a
$50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure
that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about
people getting pissed at me.
ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." (I hate effort duplication.)
At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind
of funny and says,
IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."
He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following
conversation occurs between the two of them.
IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
IT: "Yeah, thought so."
He comes back to me and says
IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."
He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift,
and says
IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." (my emphasis)
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."
The manager approaches me and says
MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." (it was
8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall with 100
other stores.)
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take *those* either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you *know* why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"
At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around
the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin
laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish
guy comes in and says (at the other end of counter, in a whisper)
SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" (incredulous)
MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has
is a fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
SG: "Yeah..."
Security guard walks over to me and says
SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"
At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE,"
but I wanted to eat, so I said
ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."
I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing
at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says
SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"
The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned
on the guy that he had no clue.
My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things,
too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens
when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably
end up in jail. At least you get free food.
Things We Would Never Know Were It Not For the Movies:
- During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit
a strip club at least once.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- Most dogs are immortal.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St.
Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least once stick of French Bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control
tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one
will never think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other
part of the building you want without difficulty.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even
if you haven't been carrying any before now.
- You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the
mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German Officer, it will not be
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast,
the mayor's fist concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art
exhibition.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will
wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If a large panel of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long.
- The Chief of Police is always black.
- When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill
- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in
the universe.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you
should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises
in their most revealing underwear.
- Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter
Password Now.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning
even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him
48 hours to finish the job.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object
out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone
conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn
the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts
so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will
know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial
arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing
around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never
suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption
or alien invasion will never go into shock.
- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they
are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless
it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting
damage to an eight year old child.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally
at that precise moment.
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
On a Maternity Clothes Shop: "We are open on Labor Day."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
Lamentations of the Father by Ian Frazier
Laws of Forbidden Place
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of
the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in
the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in
the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of
all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat,
but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may
eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may
drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any
food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you
are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the
living room.
Laws When at Table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater
person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were. Neither
raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination
to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon
the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork,
nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your
blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do
not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order
to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed,
and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say
to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to
you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table
between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say
again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with
it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And
though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them
upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor
slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that,
your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it
has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean,
saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your
meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than
three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have
also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten
where I can see, then you shall have dessert.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork,
that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.
And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a
plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching
each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the
offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not,
only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal
seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome
to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though
the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that
sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers
to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat
it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills,
that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to
the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice
and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn
for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath
water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet of bread, even
if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building;
nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict
it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between
the light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget what
I said about the tape.
That's not right: Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?: Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP: Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man: Dum Gai
Small Horse: Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?: Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table: Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a face lift: Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here: Wai So Dim?
I thought you were on a diet: Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone: No Pah King
You are not very bright: Yu So Dum
I got this for free: Ai No Pei
Please stay a while longer: Wai Go Nao?
Stay out of sight: Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile: Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive: Yu Stin Ki Pu
Kids, Never Ask Your Dad About Santa Claus If He's An Engineer
I. No known species of reindeer can fly. But there *are* 300,000
species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these
are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which
only Santa has ever seen.
II. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the
world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish
or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15%
of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108
million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
III. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around
1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill
the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever
snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh
and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops
is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false,
but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking
about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting
bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles
per second, about 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison,
the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4
miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per
hour.
IV. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that
each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the
sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land,
a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that
the flying reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't
be done with eight or even nine of them; Santa would need 360,000 of them.
This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another
54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the
ocean liner, not the monarch).
V. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance;
this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering
the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION
Joules of energy. Per second. Each... In short, they would burst into flames
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening
sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within
4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth
house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result
of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected
to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously
slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force,
instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob
of pink goo.
VI. Therefore, if Santa ever did exist, he's dead now.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner
are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking
up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot
is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles
down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of
practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves
and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane
starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are
praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway,
the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is
a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and
at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream,
and we're gonna get killed!"
20 Things Guys Learn From Action Movies
1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other
than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill
him with my bare hands.
2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight
you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room.
3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to
bed with you, and the type that want to kill you. Both types are physically
attractive and under 25 years old.
4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't
he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me.
5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations
to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day.
6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will
adore me.
7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will
fall in love with me.
8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private investigator
is a homosexual. Or at least a sissy.
9. If I have a prolonged fist-fight with another guy and neither of us dies,
we will become best friends.
10. My arch-enemy will bear an uncanny resemblance in age and bearing to my
father, and he will make it clear that he has gained a deep respect for me
before I kill him with my bare hands.
11. When I shoot people, they will die quickly and cleanly, and I will never
be arrested or troubled by their widowed wife and children. When people shoot
me, however, I will at most receive a 'flesh wound,' which will be tended
to by a beautiful woman.
12. If I'm white I will befriend at least one black guy, or one white guy
if I'm black. If I am Latino the monster/villain will kill me halfway through
the film, urging the hero to even greater levels of violence.
13. If an aged scientist is involved in any way, he will have a beautiful
daughter who will gaze at me adoringly.
14. If royalty is involved, it will include a beautiful princess who will
gaze at me adoringly.
15. If I have a kid partner, he will be tightly-muscled, clean-cut, and gaze
at me adoringly.
16. If I am asked to compete against a world champion at any sport or game
of any type, I will win. This will infuriate my opponent, who will then try
to kill me.
17. If I am attacked by surprise, I will be attacked by only one or maybe
two people at a time, and I will find that I am well-skilled in Karate and
Jujitsu, and if all else fails, I will always have one last firearm hidden
somewhere on my body.
18. If my opponent has a side-kick or henchman, he will never have a sensible
name like 'Rick,' or 'Steve.'
19. Beautiful women will frequently furrow their brows with concern and ask,
"When's the last time you got any sleep?" They will never ask when
I last bathed or used the toilet, although I apparently never do those things
either.
20. While chasing or fleeing from an enemy, I can drive anything with a motor
recklessly at 100-130 miles per hour without a seatbelt, with ammunition filling
the passenger seat, and nothing will fall out of place. Also, no police will
ever catch me; they'll just look in amazement in my direction.
Here are a few tips to get ready for the snowboard season (or
ski season for those who are a little slow at keeping up):
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for
half an hour. Afterwards, burn a hundred dollar bill to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your
ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you
are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and
tighten a c-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $10.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to
wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket ot the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm
and you're following an 18 wheeler truck.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your
face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker.
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
Don't ya just love the holidays, when everyone is just so full
of the spirit of the season and joy and good will towards men? As a plain
old country boy now living in the big city, I wanted to share the warmth and
joy I felt with all these nice city folk.
The other day I went to the local religious book store, to locate something
to share with others, and while I couldn't find any with a Christmas theme,
I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and
put it on the back bumper of my car; tell y'all what, I'm really glad I did.
What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the upcoming Holidays and all, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked! I easily found several people who loved
Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love
the Lord because, he leaned out his window and even yelled, "Jesus Christ!!"
as loud as he could. Others started honking, too, so I leaned out my window
and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a
guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about
a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.
Luckily, I had just asked my two kids just the other week what that meant.
They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, and told me that it was the Hawaiian
good luck sign. I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
What a joy to share!
Several cars behind, a very nice black man stepped out of his car and yelled
something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother
trucker." How nice that that industry is finally accepting women drivers
and all. What joyful times we live in!
Then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good
thing I did, because I was the only one to get across the intersection. I
looked back at them, leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and
held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away. Praise the Lord. I drove
on, my faith renewed for being able to share my Holiday joy with suchwonderful
folks.
Tell ya what y'all. Until all this happened, I thought that "City of
Brotherly Love" stuff was just that -- stuff! May you all find ways to
share and express the spirit of the season just like I did.
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes
over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears
a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist
continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he
is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies
to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a
car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little
boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church
right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father
explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain,
sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here now," the priest says.