Female

An essay by Chris Scroggins

I am here. I live. I stay. This is not my paradise. What is Paradise? Is it Heaven? No...not for me. I am happy in the Night. I pleasure for sorrow. I desire lonliness. I desire freedom. I desire Death. Life is purposeless without purpose. But purpose is Nothing. I am a tiny black dot in a white world. What is Nothing? We fear Nothing, because there is no ambition there. Nothing is Perfection. Nature...trees, springs, morning dew...Creations of God? But God is a creation of Man. Why does the sight of Nature bring to me such emotions of longing and peace? What about Science? The Laws of Nature. What is the purpose of Nature? Of Beauty? The Earth is what is imagined. It is in our mind. We see Beauty in the Earth. The Earth is our home. This is where I live. I live...but for what purpose? End the world. End life. When I die, Earth dies. But the Earth...Nature is beautiful. (what is Beauty?) Mankind is Ugly (What is that?). Woman? Is Woman the same as Man? (What is Beauty?) Woman is Beautiful. Woman is Nature (Mother Nature?) Man is God. God is Man's creation (Father God?). When I die, does Woman die? Why am I Man? Why am I ugly? Why am I God? (what is God?) Can I die, or am I already immortal? I don't want to live forever! I don't even want to live (What is Want?) What?? Want is desire. (But why do you desire Death?) Because I am disgusted with myself (You hate yourself). Yes. I hate life (Hate is a living emotion. If you hate, you live) And I live still. Will I live after Death? (You are uncertain) I am curious. I am anxious (You are afraid) I have no fear...not anymore (That is a lie) No. I am content. I have no reason to lie. (This is a lie) No. I am sure. I'm ready. I'm looking forward to it. (That is a lie) I have no reason to lie! (That is a lie) SHUT UP!! (You feel shame) Shame...why? (.....) I...I live, and I fear Death. (Yes) I fear...Nothingness. (Yes) I fear lonliness. (Yes) Separation Anxiety? (Correct) This is why I am shamed. This is why I am living still. I want others. I want compainionship. I want...Love? (Yet you hate yourself) I..hate myself. Why? (You are imperfect) What about you? Who are you? Are you my soul? (This question is Why? Why am I?) Why are you? (Because I am the Why? I am the opposite of all humanity) Man created the opposite. The force which fights against Him. Man named it Satan...Lucifer...Asmodeus (no) Are you...Satan? (No) Then what is opposite? (Nature) What is the counter? (Woman) What is the force against Man? (Angel) What is the chaos? (Magic) Man created another. A woman. He made her the chaos, the counter, the opposite of Man(God). Are you...Lilith? (Correct) Beauty? (Yes) Nature? (Yes) Salvation? (What?) Will I see you when I die? (That is your decision) I want to see you (Desire...then come see me) Why? (That is for you to decide) ..........I will. I am coming.........