Well I guess I´ll go first, it´s not much but just a few short
things I noticed while reading the story just now. I liked the story, it could
very well become a very good one.
*Sometimes I missed reading about how a character was feeling or responding like
…“She felt as if five pounds of dirt and grim covered her.” I want more of
that, especially when two characters are interacting and not just read about
what they´re saying.
*I was a bit confused about the beginning. It goes like this;
”The ion storm is getting worse.”
”I can see that, Mr. Daniels.”
”Sorry Captain, I have to adjust the transporter to compensate. Just a few
more minutes.”
A little strange. From what I gather both Janeway and Daniels are on the
surface. They can both see (visibly I think) that the storm is getting worse.
Why is Mr Daniels handling the transport, and from where. Shouldn´t Voyager be
doing that???
*When a character is thinking to himself you should put those in italics so the
reader knows whether they are talking to themselves or thinking.
*It might be helpful if every time you changed “location” from parallell
universe to our universe, you put a header or something saying “where” we
were. Otherwise it could sometimes take a few sentences before knowing (at least
for me…)
*I especially enjoyed the last chapter. Seeing the two Janeways “compare”
their own crews to the ones they saw was interesting and written in a very good
way.
*Not really an error or anything but I found it a little icky to read …even
she felt a small tinge of arousal. When our Janeway was sitting on the bridge
looking at Harry :-)
*The scenes with the two J/C´s in the last chapter were written beautifully!
*Also not an error just a general feeling of dissapointed about the ending for
“our” Janeway and Chakotay…That´s all I can say without giving too much
away.
All in all, Well done!
SPOILERS FOR Workshop story: "The Voyager Exchange"
I got a "message too long" warning, so I'm posting this in two parts.
This is part 1.
Emily,
I agree with you; the author deserves a compliment on an interesting story.
However, I can't talk about the story without talking about the plot, hence the
spoiler warnings.
I really liked the way the author switched back and forth between the parallel
universes with almost identical plot lines. It was a nice touch to put identical
reactions in "our"--I guess, "Starfleet"--Janeway and
Chakotay when they each encountered the "Maquis" Janeway and Chakotay.
In fact, I felt this was so well done that the sad separation of
"Starfleet" J/C at the end was inevitable. That's the way fiction is
supposed to work, so good for the author! It would have felt forced and
artificial if "Starfleet" Janeway decided to throw away protocol and
declare her love for her first officer. Much as we want her to, *this* story
can't end any other way.
I like the opening. I like that it begins with dialog and we have to figure out
who's speaking and what's going on. It's a nice device to draw us into the
story. But I agree with Emily, that the author needs to get the Sci/fi right.
Daniels wouldn't have been handling the transporter if he were on the
surface--maybe it's transporter enhancers or whatever they're called. But
there's no need to confuse the readers here. I think this is an easy fix.
Ah, the "Maquis" Harry as sex object! If that made you cringe then you
would go into coniptions if you read NE's "To the Journey"! LOL! I
don't have a problem with "Starfleet" Janeway finding the alternate
world Harry sexy, but I agree that the word "aroused" is too strong.
For one thing, it diverts our attention from the two J/C interactions. For
another, it's possible to be attracted to someone without having the juices
flowing. And "Maquis" Harry ought to have another moment--eyeing a
female crewperson up and down, smirking--something--it doesn't have to go on.
But another sentence or two would confirm "Starfleet" Janeway's
assessment.
While we're on Harry--we see him as sexy *after* "Maquis" Janeway uses
a call to Harry to confirm that she's supposed to be the captain. We [the
readers] buy that because of our conception of Harry as innocent and honest--and
the "Starfleet" Harry who responds is just that. But the
"Maquis" Harry that "Starfleet" Janeway sees later sounds
anything but innocent--so why would "Maquis" Janeway use *him* over in
"Starfleet-land"? It might be a good idea to just use Tuvok in the
confirmation scene.
On to part two of post:
I thought it was believable that "Starfleet" Chakotay would figure out
quickly that "Maquis" Janeway couldn't be his Janeway. However, I'd
like a bit more on why "Starfleet" Janeway didn't feel like she could
be honest with "Maquis" Chakotay--after all the author repeatedly tell
us how love and trust keep radiating from him. If she can feel it, why doesn't
she confide in him? The "Maquis" doctor could as readily confirm that
she was from another universe as the "Starfleet" one. I'm not say she
should confide, but she needs a reason not to.
Emily also says she'd like a bit more psychological descriptions of how the
characters are feeling. Actually, I think the author has done a good job of
letting us know how the characters feel through their actions--we can tell when
they are nervous, angry, aroused, conflicted by their gestures.
However, part six, which is almost as long as the first five parts put together
, does feel rushed in some places, and this could be what Emily is reacting to.
I, for one, have a hard time buying that either "Starfleet" Chakotay
or "Starfleet" Janeway would make love with their "Maquis"
counterparts after only two weeks. And it's not just the protocol issue. The
sense of betrayal to the one specific person one loves would be overwhelming.
The author knows this because she (?) has "Maquis" Janeway tell
"Starfleet" Chakotay that it is not a betrayal. Dunno. Felt like it to
me. Would you sleep with your husband's clone? How about his twin?
"Maquis" Janeway and "Starfleet" Chakotay *know* they are
not with the right counterpart. Would the Chakotay we know do this? How about
the "Starfleet" Janeway?
This was a big plot problem for me.
So, I'd like to see the time spent in the alternate universes go on a bit longer
and a solution to returning less easily discovered. I'd also like to see more
cross-over J/C interaction, so we get to watch "Starfleet" Chakotay
and Janeway come to appreciate what the "Maquis" counterparts are
like.
I'd also like to see more of "Maquis" Tom & Belanna, and
especially "Maquis" Seven! [and I'm *not* a Seven fan.]--although
adding that might just drag the story out too much.
Finally, there are a couple of places in parts five and six when the tense
shifts from past to present tense for no discernable reason--easy to fix. And a
few typos--a missing apostrophe, etc--which just need careful reading to
correct.
I'll end by saying that despite my misgivings about the love-making that I liked
that the author was true to her characters in the way she ended the story. Nice
job.
Bucky
I have to say that I did enjoy this story - which is a
testament to how good it is, since I generally find "transporter
accident" stories (fan-fic or episode) kind of annoying.
I have to agree with those comments about the opening dialogue about the
transporter - I got kind of confused about what was supposed to be happening.
But maybe that's because I just don't get along with transporter technology.
Like Bucky, I would love to see certain parts of this story fleshed out more.
The glimpses we had of the alternate personalities on board the Maquis Voyager
were tantalizing. I think the story would be all the more enjoyable if we could
spend more time with those people.
It is hard work to get J and C into the sack while making it seem real - believe
me, I know. If the author chose to expand character development as Bucky has
suggested, it would bring about an even stronger story, and it would feel even
more real than it does already.
I also agree that the ending struck just the right note, capturing the essense
of how "our" Janeway and Chakotay deal with each other.
I have a confession to make……..
The last story – The Voyager Exchange - was written by me.
The workshop was a big help. Thanks to everyone who made comments.
I’m currently adding additional pages to the story.
It really is true about being too close to your work sometimes. The workshop
helped me to step back and see the story in a different light. For example, in
the beginning of my story I assumed everyone would automatically know that the
person talking to Janeway about the transporter was onboard Voyager. Not so –
I wasn’t clear enough. I needed to be reminded that the readers can’t be
inside my mind to know what I mean, I have to make sure, that it’s explained
to them. (It’s a good thing too that you can’t go inside my mind. It’s a
scary place.)
So, here’s a shameless plug for Drak’s workshop: Don’t be scared – it
was painless and incredibly valuable. Do it! It really helps you improve your
writing.
And for those of you without stories (and those of you with) – give your two
cents worth. Your evaluation will help us become better writers. Just remember
to follow the guidelines and the writer will be glad you gave you opinion.
Thanks again to Drakkenfyre for putting it all together!!
SuzieQ2
