The present. A New York apartment. SCOTTY (20s), an aspiring comic, practices her routine in the bathroom. This speech opens the play and introduces her to the audience.

(When I performed this monologue, I cut out all the lines regarding Van Johnson and June Allyson, and started the monologue at the second paragraph. Since I had no idea who these people are, I felt foolish talking about them. But I supplied the entire monologue for you to choose.)

Scotty: Are you ready? If you’re not, I can come back. You seem like a really tame bunch. So polite. Like you just came from a Nancy Davis film festival. Ever stop and think that if Reagan had not gone into politics, he and nancy would probably be doing guest shots on Loveboat. Yes… with Van Johnson and June Allyson. Oh my god, I just had a gruesome thought. What if Van Johnson and June Allyson were in the white house? Makes your flesh crawl, doesn’t it? Sorry, I didn’t mean to get us off on such a down start here tonight. (Pause)
Welcome to the show. My name is Scotty Devlin. I know what you’re all thinking… How come she has a boy’s name? Actually my real name is Heidi. But I had to change it when I lost my virginity. Everyone named Heidi must change their name when they lose their virginity. That’s the rule. Look at these girls over here all rustling through their programs. You’re all Heidis, right? Sorry. Am I embarrassed or what? My luck, Van and June are here. (Pause)
Actually, I lied to you. Scotty is my real name. You see, when I was born the doctor was either far-sighted or a prankster, because as I popped out, I remember it vividly, he declared “it’s a boy.” In fact, I was a boy until my mother changed my diapers for the first time. Can you imagine their surprise. My mother fainted. My father just stared, “he can’t be my boy.” I was in stitches. (Pause)
They tried calling me Judy for a while but I just wouldn’t respond. Would you have? There’s a Heidi nodding her head. Oh, by the way, the part about all Heidis having to change their names when they lose their virginity, I didn’t lie about hat. That is a known fact. (Pause.)
Yes, it’s true. Think about it. How many grown women do you know named Heidi? All the Heidis I know are about 8 years old with long blond braids down their backs. They all wear pink dirndls with little white aprons. And are surrounded by goats. They skip their way into high school, getting A’s in Home Ec. Then one day, probably on their 21st birthday- wham- Veronica, Yvonne, Desiree. (Pause.)
This is absolutely true, I promise you. You’ve never heard of a child being called Yvonne, have you? If I had been called Judy, I’d have to change my name when I stopped wearing bangs. Have you ever met a seventy year old woman named Judy? It sounds like she should be chewing gum and skipping rope. (A beat)
I’m not making this up. Right before middle age sets in, Cindys become Harriet, or Beatrice, they have that option. All Wendy’s die at puberty. Regrettable, but necessary. I sort of like being called Scotty, besides it’s better than my middle name- Doug. (Pause.)
Look, I gotta run. But before I go, I just want to say that I hope all the guys who are sitting here tonight with a girl named Heidi, wake up tomorrow morning with a Desiree.