Standing by her computer desk, Meshi watched as Kinji tried fixing her computer.
Had it really been so long ago when they first met? And now, look at them.
Everything had changed so much. It was all like... like... a strange dream.
"That should do it!" Kinji said triumphantly.
Smiling, Meshi looked over his shoulder. "That’s great!" she said.
"I’ve been having such a hard time with this computer..."
Smiling in a charming fashion, he replied, "Yes well, I AM the master
with computers."
Rolling her eyes, she pushed him slightly on the shoulder, saying,
"You big show off!"
Walking over to her refrigerator, she opened the door, grimacing slightly.
Her kitchen was in desperate need of restocking. But she really hadn’t had
the time or money to do it. With her computer down, she had no way of
getting commissions.
"Umm," she closed the refrigerator door, smiling
sheepishly. "Want some water?"
Kinji shook his head. "Naw, no thanks."
He looked around for a moment. Examining her small, two bed room house.
It was pretty empty since she didn’t have much. A small used couch,
and a TV with a VCR (no cable) was in her living room. Her kitchen was
actually a nice size, with real tile on the counters and floor. He had
only seen a glimpse of her room, which had her queen sized bed hap-harzardly
made. The second room he hadn’t gotten around to seeing yet.
"Nice place." He commented.
Meshi smiled slightly, "Well, it’s not big.. but it’s enough.
Only me here after all," She noticed a pained look on Kinji’s face at
the mention of that. She hurriedly continued, "Not that I mind. It’s really
nice being alone for once. No brothers or sisters bugging me and making
a nuisance of themselves." Sheforced a smile on her face.
"I’m sorry..." he said in a hoarse whisper.
Blinking, she asked, "What for?"
"I... I left you and that’s why you live like this. By yourself,
with barely enough money to get by."
"Oh." She said quietly. She walked out of the kitchen
into the living room. “Well… it’s not all that bad being by myself.
The food thing is a problem, but at least it keeps me thin!"
"Damn it Meshi!" He cried angrily, startling her. "How can you always
be so cheerful about everything? You’re living dirt poor. Doesn’t it
ever bother you that I... I..." He couldn’t finish.
She watched him struggle to gain control of himself. He hadn’t
changed much since the last time she’d met him. He was always so very
emotional about everything. He never could stand causing a person pain.
Her heart swelled with pity for him.
Walking over, she put her hand on his arm, "Kinji, it’s okay. What happened,
happened. You can’t change the past and neither can I. It’s best to just
let go and--"
"Doesn’t it ever bother you that I left you Meshi?
I mean.. I thought you.. you loved me."
"Oh, I see," Meshi took her hand off of him. "I see it’s about you
again isn’t it? Yes, I loved you Kinji, with all my heart I did. But love is
willing to let go. And I let go. You didn’t want me for whatever reason,
and I accepted that. What did you think? I would come running back?"
She couldn’t help sounding a little bitter.
Kinji looked down at his hands for a moment. Then at her, his
face contorted with what appeared to be sorrow. "YES! I expected you
to come after me. I wanted you to. I thought that.. that... I don’t
know what I was thinking. But it was stupid."
Frowning, she looked at him puzzled. She was missing
something here. "Wasn’t the whole reason we broke up because
things weren’t working out?"
He didn’t say anything for a moment. "I don’t think...
that was it really." He began running his fingers through his hair,
a nervous habit he had. "After I broke up with you... I tried dating
other women. At first only the ones I liked, but none of them
seemed to fit. So I moved on to women I didn’t like, but who showed
an interest in me. They didn’t work either. Eventually I just...
stopped dating all together."
She stared at him, confused. What was he trying to say?
"Meshi," He grabbed her hands suddenly. "I was wrong. I
thought that if I broke up with you, you’d come back eventually.
Call, at least."
"But I did call." Meshi said.
"Once, you called once. To tell me you would
leave me alone, you’d give me my space. I remember. I
thought you’d call me back after that... but the weeks
passed and pretty soon so did the years. You never called
me back after that. The only way I knew you were
even alive was by your Website, then that thing stopped working."
She gently detached her hands from his. "If you had
wanted to hear from me so much," she said gently, "why didn’t you call me?"
"I...I did...tried." He said. "But you had moved...
I looked in the phone book, hoping to find your new number
but all it had was the old one."
"Well," Meshi said, trying to cheer him up a little,
"you found me eventually. Since you are here."
He nodded. "After a year and a half."
"But you never called me. It’s been five years since
I last talked to you."
"I know. I actually tried. I even... I even drove
over to you house one Sunday. But I saw a man there with you,
so I thought..."
Frowning, Meshi thought back. "Oh. You must be referring
to Steven. He use to drive me home from church for a while because
I didn’t have car that was working and I couldn’t afford to buy a new one."
"Well, who ever he was, I thought.. you looked so
happy. So I decided to leave you alone."
"But then why did you even call me, or come here?"
"I just... I was going through the area and thought..
it would be nice to see you again." He paused for a moment,
then continued. "You won’t.. take me back, will you?"
Meshi stared at him, dumb founded. For years she
had hoped to hear those very words. Yet now,
after six long years had passed, the thought of
going back to him brought no appeal. Something inside her
had died a long time ago.
"I’m sorry," she whispered, amazed at what she was about to say.
"But I can’t. Not after all these years. What you did to me...
just to see, prove, that I love you. I could never go back. I’m sorry
Kinji."
"I... I know. I thought it was... was worth asking
at least." He looked very miserable.
"I think... you should go now Kinji. Thank you for
fixing my computer. But go back to your home, and just forget
about me, okay?" She walked to her front door and opened it.
Kinji got up and walked to the door. Half way through,
he paused, looked at her and said, "I don’t think I could
ever forget you." He walked out, she closed the door behind him.
Meshi quickly went over to her front window, watching
as he got into his white car. Was it her, or did she see him
wiping tears from his eyes? He seemed to stumble with finding
his keys and getting his car started, but he soon got it going.
He looked out at the house for a moment, then backed up the car
and drove away.
"You poor man", she whispered. "Your pride really did
break your heart in the end, didn’t it?"
She turned away from the window, knowing that he would
move on with out her. And that she had finally come to
the point where her heart didn’t need.