The story of how, and Why I became a Gackt fan.

Yes there was a time when I had absolutely no idea who Gackt was... surprised? well don't be. Everyone has to be a beginner at some point ne?

Well.. here's the story of my beginning.

It was January 2005. I was at the funeral for a friend and former co-worker. She passed away at the age of 29. I mean, 29! she was just a few years older than myself! that really hit home.

So after the funeral, despite my phobia of hospitals, I decided to go visit my grandmother. She and my uncle was visiting my family from Michigan. (At this time my brothers and I lived at home to help my mom take care of my father who had cancer.) While here, she got severely sick and was diagnosed with lymphoma, a very treatable cancer. She was still very sick though from complications due to not being diagnosed for so long. (They don't have good medicine where we're from in Yooper-ville and they kept telling her she had back problems nothing more.)

Anyway, I went to visit her just to tell her I loved her and see how she was doing. Normally I would only go to the hospital if someone was with me because of my phobia... but I decided after the funeral, time was too precious to waste on things like that.

I never got the message that my grandmother died while I was at the funeral...because I had my cellphone turned off. A nurse had to break the news to me. I got to see her one last time before they took her from the room. It took me almost an hour before they'd let me drive home. A peice of myself shattered. I wasn't there. I was watching a girl just a little older than myself being buried instead of being there.

Just before we had time to come to terms with things that had happened, my uncle and father ended up in the hospital at the same time. Now my uncle (who is my mom's baby brother) had a heart attack while my grandmother was sick in the hosptial and had to have quadruple bypass surgery.

He ended up in the hospital due to complications from that surgery- and my dad was always in and out of the hospital for the last 3 years due to his cancer. It was hard watching the family break down and break apart... and I started feeling like I was sinking too.

May 11th, 2005... a little less than 4 months after my grandmother passed away... my father passed away after his long battle with cancer. We were all present when he passed. Watching him take his last breath, watching how devestated the family was... it finally shut me down.

I hadn't had time to completely mourn my grandmother, I was dealing with my own mortality after seeing a girl not much older than me being buried, we had to deal with my uncle who had a heart attack- seriously because he never took care of himself health wise- and now I lost my father.

I was pretty much numb. And the feeling of emptiness is worse than any sad feelings you can imagine. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

This is where Gackt comes in.

A friend of mine burned me a copy of her boyfriend's Gackt single... Tsuki no Uta. She told me to just listen to that on my way up north. (we're all from there, so that's where my dad was being buried.)

She said to just close my eyes and listen to the song. Don't worry about not understanding the words... just listen to the emotion in the music and in the voice. So I did. Only, I didn't wait for the trip up north. We were going the next morning, so I sat in my room, in the dark, and listened. And when Gackt sang the falsetto "Kimi no daisuki na, tsuki no uta-o" towards the end... that's where I finally broke down and cried for the first time.

In that song, in that voice... without knowing the words, you could HEAR sorrow and loss, you could feel an understanding for what it is to feel sad and pain... and it made you feel all of those things.

Some people say- my god... a song that makes a girl cry... that's a great reason to like an artist. and I say.. its the ONLY reason to like an artist.

He made me FEEL. At a time when I had turned myself off emotionally, when I had become numb and empty, when I thought something was wrong with me because I couldn't cry even though I should... his song made me feel again.

And so I searched for more of his music... and it was always the same.

you never needed to know what the English translations were... you could just tell what he was trying to say by the sound of his voice and the echo of the music. There's a passion and intensity you just don't find in American music today.

In America... Britney spears is so worried about being like Lindsey Lohan is so worried about being a clone of Jessica Simpson is so worried about copying.... blah blah blah.

The music sounds the same... they all start looking the same... when Britney spears dyed her hair brown... lindsy lohan died her hair some funky brown... paris hilton dyed her hair dark... they clone eachother whether intentionally or not...the songs are all about the same things... its all commercial.

N'sync was really Backstreet boys was really New kids on the block... get my point?

But Gackt's music (And J-rock/J-pop really for that matter) they have their own identity, they have their own unique style. They don't try to copy the other person and then one up them to be more popular-

they try to be more popular on their own individuatlity. It seems to be about the music, the lyrics, and the emotion that goes behind it than just the commercial aspect. There's still passion- there's still feeling and intensity.

I've been turned onto other artists through Gackt's music.

but not matter what happens in my life...

When my Great aunt passed away a few months after my father, (The one who gave me my nickname "dee dee"), when an uncle and cousin passed away... when my uncle (my mom's baby brother and last surviving sibling) passed away from heart failure, when my pet bunny Gabby died at 8 years old, when I was in my car accident... all within the last 2 years...

For all of these things when I need to cry, when I need to laugh, when I need to feel wild, when I need to feel calm...

I always turn back to Gackt's music. Song's may change... From tsuki no Uta to Hoshi no Suna to In this Empty Room to Todokanai Aishiteru No Ni....

but the one truth that remains the same...

its always Gackt.

no matter what other bands I discover- he'll always hold a special place in my heart.

Even if he never knows it.

"Kimi dake o"