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(SERGEANT FOGARTY & AMOS HART are standing over the body of the dead FRED CASELY. FOGARTY is writing his report.) AMOS: So I ah… took the gun, Officer, and I shot him. FOGARTY: (writing) I see, and your wife, Roxie Hart, was in no way involved. Is that right? AMOS: That’s right, Officer. FOGARTY: Oh, aren’t you the cheerful little murderer? AMOS: Murderer? (Correcting him) Why just last week, the jury thanked a man for shootin‘ a burgler. FOGARTY: Well... that’s just fine. Sign right here, Mr. Hart. AMOS: Freely and gladly. Freely and gladly. ANNOUNCER 1: (Music under) For her first number, miss Roxie Hart would like to sing a song of love and devotion, dedicated to her dear husband, Amos. "FUNNY HONEY" ROXIE: SOMETIMES I’M RIGHT SOMETIMES I’M WRONG BUT HE DOESN’T CARE HE’LL STRING ALONG HE LOVES ME SO THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE! SOMETIMES I’M DOWN SOMETIMES I’M UP BUT HE FOLLOWS ‘ROUND LIKE SOME DROOPY-EYED PUP HE LOVES ME SO THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE HE AIN‘T NO SHEIK THAT’S NO GREAT PHYSIQUE LORD KNOWS HE AIN’T GOT THE SMARTS BUT LOOK AT THAT SOUL I TELL YOU THAT WHOLE IS A WHOLE LOT GREATER THAN THE SUM OF HIS PARTS AND IF YOU KNEW HIM LIKE ME I KNOW YOU’D AGREE WHAT IF THE WORLD SLANDERED MY NAME? WHY, HE’D BE RIGHT THERE TAKING THE BLAME HE LOVES ME SO AND IT ALL SUITS ME FINE THAT FUNNY, SUNNY, HONEY HUBBY OF MINE! AMOS: (to FOGARTY) A man‘s got a right to protect his home and his loved ones, right? FOGARTY: Of course, he has. AMOS: Well, I come in from the garage, Officer, and I see him coming through the window. FOGARTY: Uh-huh. AMOS: With my wife, Roxanne there, sleepin’… …like and angel… an angel! ROXIE: HE LOVES ME SO THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE AMOS: I mean supposin’, just supposin’, he had violated her or somethin’… you know what I mean… violated? FOGARTY: I know what you mean… AMOS: … or somethin’. Think how terrible that would have been. Good thing I got home from work on time, I’m tellin’ ya that! I say I’m tellin’ ya that! ROXIE: HE LOVES ME SO THAT FUNNY HONEY OF MINE! FOGARTY: Fred Casely. AMOS: (shocked) Fred Casely!? How could he be a burglar? My wife knows him! He sold us our furniture! ROXIE: LORD KNOWS HE AIN’T GOT THE SMARTS AMOS: She lied to me. She told me he was a burglar. FOGARTY: You mean he was dead when you got home? AMOS: She had him covered with a sheet and she’s givin’ me that cock and bull story about this burglar, and I ought to say I did it ‘cause I was sure to get off. Burglar, huh! | ||
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ROXIE: NOW HE SHOT OFF HIS TRAP I CAN’T STAND THAT SAP LOOK AT HIM GO RATTIN’ ON ME WITH JUST ONE MORE BRAIN WHAT A HALF-WIT HE’D BE IF THEY STRING ME UP I’LL KNOW, I’LL KNOW WHO BOUGHT THE TWINE (Two men enter with a stretcher, they put CASELY on it and exit) THAT SCUMMY, CRUMMY DUMMY HUBBY OF MINE (She gets off the chair and walks straight into the scene) |
AMOS: And I believed her! That chap little tramp. So she was two-timing me, huh? Well, then,she can just Swing for all I care. Boy, I’m down at the garage Working my butt off fourteen hours a day and she’s up munchin‘ on god-damned bonbos and jazzing. This time she pushed me too far that little chiseler. Boy, what a sap I was! | |
ROXIE: You double-crosser! You said you’d stick! You promised me you’d stick! You god-damned disloyal husband. (to FOGARTY) You wanna know what really happened? I shot him. Put that down in your book. And you wanna know why? He was tryin‘ to walk out on me. The louse. FOGARTY: That’s a pretty cold-blooded murder, Mrs. Hart. They’re liable to hang you for that one. ROXIE: Hang me? FOGARTY: (with a laugh) Not so tough anymore, are you? ROXIE: Amos, did you hear what he said? (AMOS exits) Son-of-a-bitch!… (she goes on her knees) Hail Mary full of grace… (lights out on ROXIE) | ||