05/07/01 - It's The End Of The World As We Know It, And I Feel Fine ... OMG what I've been through. To deny or not to deny, that is the question. I've just reread my private writings of Saturday May 5th ... They never made it online. That morning I had been overtaken by a sort of foreboding feeling. I couldn't figure it out so I decided to write how I felt at that moment and I gave myself total liberty to do so. At the time I thought I was ranting, but upon looking back, I see I was soothing, soothing over some sore spots. And hugging, I was hugging myself back into existance. Heavy? Silly?
What was actually going through my mind was this whole Beat Generation, Kerouac kind of thought process where all the sentences kind of run on together without much room for a breath but still it makes perfect sense and in the background of my typing which I always see as a sort of piano playing of the mind was the movie, Mr. Holland's Opus, an oldie but a goodie I'll have you know, and from there I went into thoughts of John Lennon, life and death, and how wonderful it is to leave a legacy with art and that took me to the thought of a very beautiful man who is living a legacy, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, who is 81 years old and is still actively creating and living a wonderous life, and how much I would like to go back and see him at his bookstore (City Lights) in San Francisco where I bought a copy of Richard Brautigan's Trout Fishing In America back when I was a youth and then as now have no interest whatsoever in fishing but then again it wasn't really about fishing and I knew that.
I wasn't sure if the soothing had worked. Like all soothing I figured it had started something deep inside and would make it's way up to the surface eventually. And anyway, I was behind schedule and found myself scurrying around feeling almost panicked. It was Saturday and time for my time away from time. It would be different that day, I was not driving myself to the station, I was being driven ... A deviation in the ritual of the last eight months. Now if there is any theory to what happened next I would choose to believe in the theory that says, "If it's not broken, why fix it?" This weekly event has always been about Me For You And You For Me, adding supporting members to the cast isn't necessary. Sometimes it's hard to live in the moment, to break the rules, to color outside the lines.
The what happened next is that The Scientist and I were hit head on by an idiot making an illegal left turn into oncoming traffic. I remember hearing The Idiot saying over and over, "Where did you come from?" Is there any doubt who wasn't paying attention? So, the plans changed. I never made it to the station. I went back home, not injured, just bruised. I choose denial. I don't want to relive the moment of the crash. I was just the passenger, it wasn't even my car. I was just along for the ride. Not the focus. I choose denial. I feel fine... Maybe a little tired and a little sore. I'm fine. However, I won't try to fix anything that isn't broken again, at least I'll try not to. The ritual is the soothing. Everything worked out, righted itself. I didn't miss out on my time away from time, I was escorted to and fro. In a few days my energy will be back. For a few days I will practice the art of soothing. |
