11/27/01 - I think I have passed the discovery period. In other words, how much finding yourself can you really do? Am I expecting to jump up and say Eureka, I've found me? I don't think it's going to work that way. Although the fact that I'm caring less and less about the search is probably a sign in itself.
As I've said before, I'm sort of an observing type. I listen, look and learn. I haven't had a lot of hands on experience. Hmmm, I'm not sure what that means. I have been experiencing every day of my life. I just think that I haven't had enough time to put a lot of effort into any one interest. It also doesn't help that I'm eclectic and have a zillion interests.
So, just because I've passed discovering, doesn't mean I don't want to grow. And this has everything to do with settling, because I become uncomfortable thinking about stagnation. What I think I've discovered is that there isn't enough time to get involved in everything. And just because nothing exciting may be happening doesn't mean that I have to get excited about nothing. Does this make any sense?
I wrote to several strangers the other day. I received a response from all. In my initial letter I gave a brief and sincere description of me. I didn't try to be cute, sweet or clever, just sincere. I was pleased that all answered in a very honest and open way. And I was also pleased that each responder was different, many different interests were revealed. But then I became confused. How does one relate to so many different interests? That's where discovery comes in. I can't. If you know what you are about then you can only relate to what you know. If you've never climbed a mountain, and have basically never desired to, why do it? I'm impressed by the sheer adventure of it all, but frankly, I'd rather read about it than experience it. Everyone has a story and everyone has a past. None of that matters to me, only what's happening now matters. Out of all my responses, the one that touched me most was the one that thanked me for my letter in a very simple, down to earth and unflowery way. Down to earth, no mountains. I'm satisfied. And now I only have one letter to write, well maybe two ... I can't take all the variety out of the spice of life. |
