PAVLOV’S DOGS
Sucks already.
Come on. It can't be that bad. Think of all the great
movies that have Dog in the title.
Reservoir Dogs
Straw Dogs
Dog Day Afternoon
All Dogs Go To Heaven
I'm willing to give it at least a chance.
You forgot Snoop Dogs doing it Doggie style. That's
quality. This is crap.
By Drew McWeeny and Scott Swan
Wait...2 writers? Wholly shit! This should be
double-awesome!!
Imagine playing second fiddle to McWee.
You know I wonder how like swans fuck, they have
like those long necks. You would think they would spend more time on
cunninlingus than on actual fucking.
I'm sure when Pavlov was running his experiments on
behavior he never dreamed that one day there'd be a really, really shitty script
written with his name in the title. By a guy named McWeeney.
FADE IN:
EXT. ASRSA COMPLEX - NIGHT
It's three o'clock in the morning. A single building stands alone, surrounded
only by dense forest. This is the ASRSA Research Complex, a gray fortress-like
structure of steel and stone. The building is dark and the only sounds are soft
wind in the trees, crickets.
A single building stands alone, eh? Who'da thought?
Captain Redundancy, that's who.
He's the first person to ever use crickets to
symbolize silence. Genius.
What sound does soft wind make?
I reached out, caressing her breasts, nipples. They
felt soft, supple. Firm. In her eyes I saw the beauty of the forest, nature.
Another plane of reality, home.
Can a building really stand alone if it's SURROUNDED
by something?
A single building stands alone.... Oh the poetry, the
economy of words. I am aquiver with anticipation.
SUPERIMPOSE: ASRSA COMPLEX - Somewhere In Upstate New York
The Jedi Council will now refer to this as the ASSRAM
COMPLEX. The ASSRAM COMPLEX, while not just a Research Facility somewhere in
Upstate New York, is also a disorder also sometimes referred to as THE MCWEE.
The ASSRAM COMPLEX.
Sounds more like Assrape to me. Not as ghey as the
Haven. Or the GAYVEN. On no! Spoliers!!!!!!!!
We PUSH IN SLOWLY ON (heh, heh, push in slowly.... at
the ASSRAM complex. nice.)a
particular door, a simple steel square. We
hold for a moment as we hear a sound... the low groan of metal under pressure
(this could either be the door, or Harry Knowles belt
buckle). (I'm sure thats where his inspiration
stems from.)Tthe sound gets louder, the groan becoming a scream, and the
eight-inch-thick metal simply shreds and curls back as a hole opens.
(Ok, definitely Knowles belt buckle.)
thank god the door simply shreds. i once shredded a
door in a complicated manner, and there's still a mob contract out on me.
McWee is a strong believer in K.I.S.S. Keep it simply
stupid.
Two men in their thirties step out. RUSSELL is tall, out of shape, with short,
dark hair. KEVEN is shorter, sturdy, almost
square, with a full beard and mustache.This part will
be played by Sponge Bob. Both men are dressed in nondescript jumpsuits, a
dull khaki.
I'd bet anything this is McWee and Swan's appearance
in the script. They want this to be their cameo.
I should take this juncture to alert readers that
McWee simply uses "nondescript" as an adjective because he's too lazy to write
anything else.
INT. MONITOR ROOM - SAME TIME
Both Russell and Keven can be seen on a full-color high definition video screen.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL that we're in a large, high-tech monitor room. DR. ADAM
STRICKLAND sits beside DAN DENNINGS, both of them watching the screen.
Strickland's in his fifties, round but not unhealthy, with short, gray hair. He
wears glasses that make his piercing blue eyes look even bigger.
(If you like wore glasses on your cock, does that
make it look bigger??? o_O) (No, I tried it.
Just got me arrested) Dennings is thirty, with a wide predatory grin and
an oily, used-car-salesman demeanor.
He could've saved a lot of time and just said,
"Strickland looks live every stereotypical scientist in every science fiction
movie ever made in the history of film. His cohort, Dennings, looks just like
every every stereotypical military official standing by observing the progress
at the secret research facility. See Hellboy for a better idea." It would've
been more effective than the tripe he actually wrote.
McWee's way is the achingly lovely way, though.
Strickland reaches out, throws a few switches, then leans in close to a
microphone, speaking in a firm voice with the slightest hint of a Russian
accent. (I hope he says "I must break you")
The Cold War is over. We won. No need for Russian
baddies, McWee.
He has to throw how many switches? Where'd he get his
P.A. system, 1941?
STRICKLAND
Good evening, gentlemen.
Nope. Sucky.
Technically, its morning.
EXT. ASRSA COMPLEX - NIGHT
Floodlights snap on, making the entire area bright as day. Keven and Russell
look around, frightened and disoriented, as Strickland's voice booms from hidden
speakers.
Why are there hidden speakers in the woods around
this secretive complex? Convenient.
the speakers are for scaring off the kids and that damn
dog. Pavlovs Scooby. It finally makes sense.
STRICKLAND
Do yourselves a favor. Give up now.
Can we? Nova is bribing us with naked pics of Harry. If
we don't do this he'll show them on the scorched planet for weeks.
KEVEN
NO!!
Something about this makes me laugh.
"Eat this."
"NO!"
"Give up now."
"MAKE ME!"
"Do you like this shirt?"
"THE COLOR ISN'T YOU!"
As Keven screams (KANEDA!), all the floodlights
simultaneously explode, shattering, raining glass everywhere. Keven and Russell
immediately snap into action, running for the cover of the woods.
The floodlights explode, shattering, breaking into
pieces, cracking apart, being destroyed, blown to bits, raining the exploded,
shattered, cracked, broken, and destroyed bits of glass everywhere. - Captain
Redundancy grins with pride.
Yes, I really loved that scene the first 600 times I
saw it in every movie about psychic people ever made.
It's as cutting edge as Carrie 2 the Rage. Actually it
isn't and that makes me sad.
INT. MONITOR ROOM - SAME TIME
Strickland throws switches as alarms wail. The video screen shows only darkness,
static.
So like is dark static still white noise??? I mean
pure white noise is like purely random and its frequency spectrum has like all
frequencies equally. So then black noise would have no frequencies and would be
silence!!!! So it's like dark static!!!! OMG SILENCE!!!! T_T
How the fuck can you have darkness AND static? One or
the other McWee.
I can't wait til later when Strickland pulls out his
wallet and it says "Switch Throwin' Motherfucker".
DENNINGS
Looks like they're getting away, doc...
How does he know? The monitors are dark. Obviously
this place is CRAWLING with psychics.
Strickland shakes his head; no, they're not.
HAHA THE STRICKLAND SAYS NO BITCH!!!!!
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
Keven and Russell run blindly through the woods. Branches slash at them, cause
them to stumble. Russell, who is in the lead, closes his eyes, not decreasing
his speed a bit.
Sweet...he closed his eyes. This is getting intense.
I've always wanted to meet this particular superhero. His name is: Flawless
Forest Runner Man.
I like the need to add the word "bit". Not decreasing
his speed...A BIT! As in "Walks RIGHT up to him." Look for that phrasing ladies
and gentlemen. It is the mark of a douchebag.
You know that old addage "write what you know"? Well
here McWee is fucking violating that like Micahel Jackson at a cub scout
meeting. I can pretty much guarantee he has never, ever run anywhere.
Why do you need superpowers to run through a forest?
In Mcwee's world, it takes a super human ability just
to run.
So who has the power to NOT EAT over at AICN?
RUSSELL
Follow me exactly.
Russell begins to do the Macarena. Keven looks
bewildered. Literally.
He begins to dodge, jump, duck... whatever it takes. He makes no mistakes,
doesn't stumble once. Keven follows closely.
Russell hits the chalk-outlined hopscotch area with
perfect precision, first hopping on one foot, then with both, then back to one,
then finally landing on both before running again into the forest. He doesn't
stumble once, doing whatever it takes. 8 year old girls everywhere fall in love.
A smile, slight but hopeful, steals across Keven's face.
(Keven loves his hopscotch.) The two men head up
an incline, and finally come out of the thick trees and stop short.
Keven looks over at Russell, his smile giving way to
a devious grin. He lightly twirls his hair in his fingers, coming closer to
Russell, their bodies brushing against one another. A slight giggle escapes him,
he looks deep into Russell's eyes, a connection between them forming, in this
moment, the mutual feeling becoming a reality.
KEVEN
You know, we're alone now...
RUSSELL
I don't know if we should do this. I mean, I'm a happily married man. What will
my wife think?
KEVEN
Don't worry about her now. When the girls are away, the boys will play...
Keven kneels down, sliding his hands along Russell's legs. His reaches towards
Russell's fly, unbuttoning his pants, sliding down the zipper, revealing his
ample cock. Taking it in his mouth, he begins to fellate it softly, caressing
the foreskin with his delicate lips. Russell lets out a slight moan, throwing
his head back, his fingers dancing amongst Keven's soft hair. Keven can feel him
hardening in his mouth, the veins throbbing and pulsing along his lips, as he
bobs his head faster and faster. He opens his eyes once again, and comes to a
stop. Out of the corner of his eye, a frightening visage that leaves him
paralyzed with fear.
They are standing on the edge of a sheer cliff that is almost one hundred feet
high.
OH MY GOD! ALMOST 100 FEET? Why that is just under a third of
the length of a football field! However do they stand such dizzying heights?
The ollllllllle "run at full speed through the woods
suddenly emerging only to stop just in time to keep from flying off a cliff face"
trick. This trick has been around since the dawning of film. But you know what
they say, you can't teach an old Pavlov Dog new writing tricks.
ALMOST DOESN'T CUT IT MISTER!!!!
KEVEN
Now what?
"I'm thinking...a light brunch followed by a
quick swim and maybe some fruit rollups to restore any lost energy. What
do you think?"
RUSSELL
We look for a way down.
This "dialogue" exchange has the potential to be a
really good setup for a ghey sex scene. Which, regardless of how you feel about
cocksmoking, would be a helluva lot more interesting than what happens next.
OMG YOU LIKE READ MY MIND!!!!!!! WE NEED TO GO OUT
SOMETIME!!!!!!!!!!!
There is a sound that grows in volume, a motor sound.
Oh the economy of words! "There is a sound, the sound a motor makes, the sound
of a motor, it is a motor sound. Any ole motor will do."
They look around
for the source, and are astonished by the sight of a high-tech Apache helicopter
that seems to emerge from the trees behind them.
He should really say something about how the two men
shield their eyes as they are pinned in place by the daylight bright beam of the
copter's searchlight. Just to, you know, make the cliche complete.
The two men look around for an escape route, just as
the Apache opens fire, two lines of bullets strafing the ground
(Movie Cliche
Book, Page 14: Bullets will almost always spray the ground in front of, behind,
or beside the hero) (Its called TRACKING your
shots. GOD!), heading for them. Russell grabs Keven's arm and pulls him
back, as they both jump off the edge of the cliff, vanishing from view.
Just use stock footage from Butch Cassidy and the
Sundance Kid for the cliff jump.
I was thinking Thelma and Louis, because these guys
are bigger pussies.
INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT
The PILOT of the helicopter gasps. We can hear Strickland over an earpiece the
Pilot is wearing. Or perhaps a... helmet? Just a
thought.
STRICKLAND
What? What happened?
"Did you shit your pants again?"
PILOT
They jumped...
"Oh my goodness willickers! I'm a pilot of a
high-tech Apache that is able to fly into and out of dense forest! I work on a
secretive project for a research facility in ASSRAM, NY! I've had years of
training and conditioning so that my sensibilities are always prepared to handle
every situation and I am able to react to any scenario without a moment's
thought! BUT I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!! THOSE GUYS JUST JUMPED OFF THAT
ALMOST 100 FOOT
HIGH CLIFF FACE!"
EXT. CLIFF FACE - NIGHT
The helicopter circles around so it is facing the cliff. As it moves into view,
we see that the two men are standing on a small outcropping of rock, maybe nine
feet down from the cliff's edge.
Nine feet...maybe ten...ten and a half. Just go with
it. It's a small outcropping, I know I said the
cliff face was sheer a bit ago, but JUST GO WITH IT.
Russell raises one hand and points at the helicopter. The look on his face is
pure defiance. The PILOT gasps!
The helicopter
comes out of its controlled hover and begins to wobble It
will weeble, it will wobble, but it won't fall down!, tilt, spin
dangerously.
GRRL POWER!!!!!!!!!!
INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT
The Pilot struggles with the controls of the 'copter, fighting them. He curses
as he tries to hold the thing in check.
I once held a helicopter in check. For about 2 hours
or so. Just held it there...in check.
Is this like chess. You know the horsies are always
annoying. That game is cool because if you get a pawn to the other end of the
board you can make them a queen. It's like a sexual reassignment surgery!!! That
rules.
EXT. CLIFF FACE - NIGHT
Russell strains, as if from exertion, (As opposed to
other reasons for straining. Such as the strain of reading this script.) still
pointing at the craft that is now in a definite spiral, heading down. The
helicopter opens fire, the bullets hitting everywhere. One of the shots is
lucky, catches Russell in the forehead.
(And what
lovely prize do we have for our lucky shot today, Alex!)
There is a moment
where Russell doesn't react at all. Then, just as suddenly,
(Just as suddenly as what? Just as suddenly as no
reaction? I wonder if the helicopter Pilot gasped from Russell's sudden, lack of
reaction.)
he pitches forward
and plummets to the rocks below.
Wait so like if the helicopter is heading down then
aren't the guns pointed down too? How did they hit the guy in the head??? o_O
The bullets were hitting EVERYWHERE... duh.
The helicopter continues to spin out of control(slowest
fall from the sky ever)(Well, it was probably like,
almost 100 feet up there or something.) now heading for Keven and the ledge where he
stands. He screams,
(MOMMY!!)
realizing that he has nowhere to go now. At the last moment,
as the helicopter is about to hit, he closes his eyes and braces for the impact.
Cue dramatic music! Will our hero die this early in
the story!?....We can only hope.
The 'copter slams into the cliff wall no more than ten feet from where Keven
stands. There is a terrific explosion when it hits, and the fuselage is driven
into the rock face.
Yes, the explosion is just terrific. Again, shitastic
adjective choice. We're trying to visualize something. What this makes me
visualize is a very happy explosion that has a very upbeat outlook on life.
That was absolutely fabulous!!!! I think though
maybe the explosion should be you know, like fuschia, maybe with some streaks of
violet. Also it could use a slight hint of cyan, you know, something that
screams, I'm unique and I'm here to stay!!!
The force of the blast knocks Keven from his position, and he just barely
manages to catch the ledge with his fingers, straining to hold on.
(as
if from exertion) He uses every bit of his strength to pull himself up. As
I am using every bit of my strength to get through this.
Ten feet? Ten feet? Fucking dumbass. Not only do they
have no concept of what people actually talk like, but he doesn't even
understand spatial relationships. An apache blows up ten feet from you and you
get knocked over? Fucking dumbass.
EXT. ASRSA BUILDING - NIGHT
The door with the hole in it flies open and a dozen PSI-GUARDS pour out. The Psi-Guards
are all dressed in identical black armour, head to toejam,
and are armed with long, sleek, black poles, like cattle prods. The armor is
emblazoned with the ASRSA logo across the chestplate. They are a chilling sight.
The full group heads off into the woods together, to
make sweet ghey love.
Heh, long, sleek, black poles. He's really quite
obvious with his symbolism.
EXT. CLIFF FACE - NIGHT
The wreckage of the helicopter is still burning. Keven finally manages to get
back up onto the rock ledge. He looks up at the cliff's edge above him. Too far
to jump. He looks over at the helicopter and gets an idea.
An idea. That's already one more than it took to
write this script.
He closes his eyes and makes a slight gesture towards the flaming wreck. The
flames seem to burn brighter for just a moment, then go out completely. Keven
opens his eyes again, looks pleased with himself. He jumps and lands on the
wreckage. oh... the economy of language... Didn't he
ever read this script outloud once?
Whereupon he screams "FLAME ON!" and the rest of the
Fantastic Four run out to greet him.
There is a creaking sound, metal under stress, and Keven freezes for a moment.
The creaking stops and the helicopter holds. He begins to move very cautiously,
climbing up the tail of the craft towards the cliff's edge. He reaches the
uppermost point of the wreck and reaches up. He can almost but not quite reach
the edge.
Wait, wait. The helicopter crashed, exploded and
WEDGED itself into the cliff face? Or is it perched precariously on the ledge
that is maybe nine feet down from the edge. Or is it just stupid?
Yeah, I was under the impression
that this is a sheer cliff face. The reason I get this impression is
because that's what he told me like 4 times. And if he is only 9 or 10
feet down, how small of a helicopter is this that he can't simply climb up to
the cliff's edge?
Keven stretches, trying desperately to bridge those last few inches. As he does,
the creaking sound begins again. Panic flashes across his face, and he makes a
quick decision. He uses all of his strength (ah... he
already used all his strength tonight.) to push off and jumps up,
grabbing the edge. His action causes the helicopter to release its tentative
grip on the cliff face, and the entire thing falls, smashing to bits when it
hits ground.
Yeah the helicopter had like a tentative grip on the
face. You know, it was thinking about letting go, but it was like, maybe I'll
just chill and see if some ladies come by or something. But it's thinking about
it. It has the power to let go at any time!!!! Its got the power!!!!!
Keven pulls himself up quickly. He immediately
(you
heard right. IMMEDIATELY. No waiting or nothing. Not even a pause.)
starts moving again, plunging back into the woods.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT (INTERCUT)
The Psi-Guards move as one, running through the woods like a crack military
team.
"How did they move?"
"Oh, you know... Like a crack military team."
"Of course."
Keven, on the other hand, flails madly as he runs, making too much noise, badly
out of breath, terrified, shitting his pants, lower
back aching, knees scraped, tired, wishing he was dreaming, wild eyed,
completing the cliche....
POV - MAUGHAM
Swooping along, as if we are several feet off the ground and not bound by
gravity in any way, we follow Keven, maybe ten feet behind him(Maybe
ten, maybe twelve. I don't know feet) (Dude, 10
feet is a LONG FUCKING WAY in this movie. You'd have to climb up two
helicopters to cover that kind of ground.)
WE ARE NOT BOUND BY YOUR REALITY IN ANY WAY.
EXT. WOODS - NIGHT
Keven stops, tries to determine which way to go. He can hear the Psi-Guards
approaching, hear the foliage giving way for them,
hear their pants rustling through the bushes, the clacking together of armor,
the measured breathing of taut, sweaty male bodies, muscles pumping and
straining... I seem to have wandered away from my original point..
He can
see lights approaching, and he turns and flees blindly.
He sees lights but flees blindly. More word economy
for you.
POV - MAUGHAM
We continue to follow Keven, rapidly gaining on him. As he reaches another small
hill and begins to scramble up it, the camera actually passes Keven and crests
the hill first. (GASP! But that means that Maugham....
is in FRONT of him!) (NO SHIT! THE CAMERA
ACTUALLY PASSES HIM!)
There is a jeep parked there on a service road, and there is a well-built,
square-framed guy in his late thirties seated in the lotus position on the hood.
This is CHARLES MAUGHAM. His eyes are closed. His ass
is spread. His frame is square.
The camera races right up to Maugham and seems to slam into him in a FLASH of
white.
Dude I like, don't really care what the camera and
the audience are doing. "The catering truck arrives, the director calls cut, and
everyone goes to lunch". What are like, the characters doing??? ^_^
Well, randomness, that FLASH of
white is important to the story. Right?
EXT. SERVICE ROAD - NIGHT
Keven crests the hill and stops short at the sight of the jeep. There is no one
in sight. Keven looks around, not sure what he should do. Finally, he walks
forward slowly, nervous, a little hesitant, afraid,
agitated, annoyed, apprehensive, bothered, concerned, distressed, disturbed,
edgy, excitable, fearful, fidgety, fitful, flustered, high-strung, hysterical,
irritable, jittery, jumpy, nervy, neurotic, on edge, overwrought, querulous,
restive, ruffled, sensitive, shaky, shy, skittish, snappish, spooked, taut,
tense, timid, timorous, troubled, twitchy, uneasy, unrestful, unstrung, upset,
uptight, volatile, waspish, weak, wired, worried.
When no
one jumps out at him, he starts to relax.
This is some hot hill-cresting action.
He looks inside the jeep. The keys are in the ignition. He climbs into the
driver's seat, turns the car's lights on. As he does, he practically screams.
but then doesn't... practically.
Maugham stands maybe ten yards away
(Ten yards! Holy shit! That's 3 times
10 feet! Let's see, 10 feet is farther than the length of a
helicopter...so 10 yards is surely like 100 miles, right? Yet...it was
close enough to make this guy...er...practically scream. Man...I'm all
backwards. Is 10 yards closer or farther than 10 feet in McWeeny's world?)
in the headlights, arms by his sides. He
smiles at Keven. There is something truly fucking scary about this guy.
Whoa...nothing like detailed in depth description.
Faulkner be damned.
Nah... too easy.
OMG!!!! THIS GUY IS TRULY FUCKING SCARY!!!!! T_T
Fanboy hyperbole at it's
finest...and in the middle of a SCREENPLAY no less! I wonder if that line
will just be superimposed on the screen so that the audience will be able to
understand, ya know, that you're first impression is to be truly fucking scared
of this guy.
Keven cranks the engine and, slamming the jeep into gear, punches the gas. The
jeep lurches to life, heading straight for Maugham. At the last possible moment,
Maugham leaps straight up...
Not cliche at all. No way. Besides have you ever seen
anyone leap from a lurching jeep at the second to last possible moment? No way.
Bullet time!
... and lands on the hood. He reaches over the windscreen and, with one hand,
grabs Keven by the shirt front. He pulls him up, close, so they are face to face,
Maugham's breath smells of Cheetos. Cheetos and Ham..
Not just any Ham, either. Maug Ham.
Did that really need to be two paragraphs???
MAUGHAM
Where were you going to go?
Maybe he was going to buy you a present!!!! God you
don't have to be so MEAN about everything!!!!!
KEVEN
Please... let me go...
MAUGHAM
NO!!!!
MAUGHAM
We can't do that. You belong to us now. (I thought he
was going to end that line with "go" somehow. Seemed like a beginning of a theme
or something.)
Maugham jerks Keven sideways, pulling him out of his seat. The car starts to
weave out of control, (because it was driving itself
perfectly while Maugham and Keven were talking) but Maugham nimbly drops
into the driver's seat himself and gets control of the car with little effort,
silently Maugham whispers a short thanks to his Driver's Ed instructor of old..
He brings it to a stop. Instantly, Keven jumps out.
Should have seen that coming...
MAUGHAM
S T O P !
HAMMER TIME!
It is like the voice of doom (and it will not be the
last time the voice of doom is heard in this script),
and it stops Keven
cold. He turns around, and we see the tears on his cheeks for the first time.
Its like the voice of doom, and yet isn't. There's a
difference in an achingly nondescript kind of way.
Yeah, but you see how in the
word "S T O P !" he put spaces between each letter? That's a
Screenwriter's trick for the "Voice of Doom" effect. And I've talked
to Doom on the phone, he really has kind of a weak voice. He just gets a
bad rap.
MAUGHAM
Remember... you brought this on yourself. (Actually, I
blame Supernova. He's the one who had the script.)
KEVEN
You're right. I forgot
that I brought this on myself. Punish me.
Maugham makes a casual gesture (such as giving
him the OK sign, or maybe a curtsey) towards Keven, and bolts of blue electricity seem
to leap from his fingers, slamming into Keven, surrounding him, dropping him to
his knees. He begins to scream,(THE ROOF!! THE
ROOF!! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!!) a hideous sound.
EMPEROR
If you will not be turned, you will be destroyed.
Isn't this guy basically just like a silly version
of Lightning from Big Trouble in Little China?
He is not silly! He is truly fucking scary
and speaks with the V O I C E O F D O O M !
EXT. SERVICE ROAD - NIGHT
Dennings and Strickland sit side by side in a jeep, Dennings driving.
Strickland just sort of sitting there, enjoying the
drive.
He should be giving the other guy head, that would
kick ass.
HEY! McWee is the only guy masturbating here, buddy!
DENNINGS
It's a mistake, using Maugham on a thing like this. He's a loony. I think he
enjoys this shit. (Talk about being alone...)
(Well why in the fuck do they have this Maugham guy if not
for shit like this?)
They round a corner and see Maugham's jeep parked ahead. They slow to a stop,
just as the Psi-Guards come charging out of the woods,
like a crack military team. Perfect timing, guys! I mean, Dennings
and Strickland had to go get the jeep and drive up there, but I guess you guys
were all lost in the woods without any idea where to go. Luckily, we're
all together again!
Strickland and Dennings jump out and walk over to where Maugham is standing.
There is something, presumably the remains of Keven, on fire on the road. As
they walk up, Maugham lights a cigar off the flames, stands and turns to face
them.
Does he have to tell us every single little bit of
movement? Its a MOVIE SCRIPT! OR supposed to be, at least.
Yeah, presumably the remains of Keven. Who can be
sure though? Maybe they are like roasting marshmellows. That would be cool. ^_^
I'm sure it wouldn't smell like
burning flesh or anything. Perfect fire for lighting a cigar. Cigar
smoking badass, how many more cliches do we have to weather?
STRICKLAND
Where is he, Charles?
MAUGHAM
Sorry, doc. Things got kinda rough, and... I blew out
his sphincter.
(shrugs)
I had to fry his ass.
STRICKLAND
You were supposed to stop him. I left you in charge. I
realize you're the new boy in the neighborhood, but I thought it was understood.
You're here to take good care of them, like you're one of the family. Charles,
you were in charge of our days and our nights! Damn it Charles, you were in
charge of our wrongs AND our rights! I don't want Charles in charge of them!
MAUGHAM
(glances at body)
He's stopped. (One snappy come back and you're gone!)
(Dammit, ToeJam, we're not making fun of CHUD right now!)
HAHA TEH MAUGHAM SAYS HE'S STOPPED BITCH!!!!
Strickland turns to the Psi-Guards.
STRICKLAND
You can head back to the complex. We'll be along in a moment.
The Psi-Guards head back the way they came,
like a crack military team. (Seriously, why didn't he just call them
StormGuards) Strickland, Dennings and Maugham
look down at the burning thing in the road.
DENNINGS
Clean up your mess, Chuck. (That line would have been
better as: "Clean your mess UP, Chuck. heh, heh, Upchuck.)
Strickland and Dennings head for their jeep, leaving Maugham to savor his cigar
as he stares at his handiwork.
STRICKLAND
That's the last of the group. What are we supposed to do now?
DENNINGS
Guess it's time to get us a few more volunteers.
DA DA DUM!!!!
fade to black: 1st titles up: ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO
ENTER HERE!
EXT. STREET - EVENING
A typical suburban street, quiet and calm. All the street lights come on.
Didn't something just like this happen in Harry Potter?
Nah, this is much suckier.
SUPERIMPOSE: Baltimore
A long, sleek sedan pulls into one particular driveway and stops. Two men in
expensive suits and sunglasses climb out, AGENT 1 and AGENT 2. They walk up to
the front door of an average white (RACIST)
house.
These guys sure
do love "long, sleek" things.
They should be driving a Jetta, that would be sweet.
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
The only light in this room comes from a TV screen, where a Bugs Bunny cartoon
is playing. Slouched in a[n] easy chair, masturbating
sullenly, in the middle of the room is DAVY MITCHELL, nineteen years old,
unkempt, badly dressed, bedraggled, coarse, crude, dilapidated, dirty,
disarranged, disarrayed, disheveled, disordered, grubby, grungy, messed up,
messy, mussed up, mussy, neglected, rough, rumpled, scruffy, scuzzed up, scuzzy,
shaggy, slipshod, sloppy, slovenly, tousled, unclean, uncombed, unfastidious,
ungroomed, unimproved, unneat, unpolished, untidy, vulgar.
He stares blankly at
the screen.
The living room door opens and Davy's parents, LOUIS and DONNA MITCHELL, step
in.
LOUIS
Davy? Can we talk to you for a minute?
The living room door slams closed, hard. Both Louis and Donna jump. The TV set
shuts off, plunging the room into darkness.
It's dark. I'm so scared... hold me.
Ok, two things
we know for sure. These two authors like "long, sleek" things as well as
"plunging" things into other things. They should've just titled this movie
Freudian Dogs.
LOUIS
There's some people here, Davy, who would like to meet you. Would you like that?
This is EXACTLY how parents talk to their nineteen
year old children! I guess you could argue that they're scared of him, but
judging from later events we don't get that. We do get that McWee is a really
shitty writer with no sense of continuity, though. That comes through loud and
clear.
Quit being so hard on McWee, he works 18 hours a day.
After a moment, the TV comes back on. Irritated, Louis tries the door. It's
locked.
LOUIS
Open the door, Davy...
He pulls harder on it, twists the knob, with no luck.
(Same shit happens to me when I'm too drunk to get it up. I hate that shit.)
(I'm telling you! Freudian Dogs!)
LOUIS
David Mitchell... open this door now...
The volume of the TV increases suddenly, jarringly. Louis' face twists in anger.
Louis' ass spasms in flatulence.
LOUIS
DAVY, OPEN THE GODDAMN DOOR!
The door opens a half inch. Louis' anger dissolves quickly.
His farts peter out slowly, putt-putting and ending
finally, in a high whine.
LOUIS
Thank you...
(quiet)
... son. (GASP! Thats his son! GASP!)
Louis opens the door the rest of the way and the two Agents walk in.
AGENT 1
You two should wait in the other room...
Louis steps out of the room, but Donna hesitates. She can't take her eyes off
Davy.
Zzzzzzzzzz
DONNA
It's not right...he's just a boy. He's
our boy. Why, Louis? Why? I need this cliche'd scene to draw
out a little longer, so please, I beg of you, don't do this!
LOUIS
We got no choice. Come on...we're doing the
right thing. We can't handle him, he is beyond our control. The cliche of
this scene is so magnificent, that we have to let him go. Resistance is
futile.
He takes her hand, leads her out, and Agent 2 pushes the door closed.
Both Agents walk over to Davy. Agent 1 stops between Davy and the TV.
Agent 2 does the twist.
AGENT 1
Hi, there. My name's Doug. My partner's name is Michael.
AGENT 2
We'd like you to go for a ride with us. We'd like to be your friends.
Some guys at the park told me this once. I think
they were a couple of perverts!!!! Fucking creeps!!!!
Davy shifts in his chair, trying to see around Agent 1. He stops, and the TV
itself moves, sliding six feet across the room so Davy can see the screen.
Agent 2's jaw drops in astonishment. Agent 1 doesn't look remotely surprised.
His jaw drops?
Did they not just witness him turning off all the lights and holding the door
shut with his mind? Do they not know why they're even here to pick this
kid up in the first place? Is this not the stupidest script you've EVER
read?
Secretly Agent 2 is jealous of Agent 1's poker face,
and hates him for it.
AGENT 1
Right... get his arm.
AGENT 2
WRONG!
You get his arm!
AGENT 1
NO!!!
Agent 1 steps forward, grabs one of Davy's arms. Davy glares up at him and there
is a FLASH! (AHAAA! HE'LL SAVE EVERY ONE OF
US!) of light. Agent 1 cries out as he is thrown across the room. SLAM!
He slides down the wall to the ground.
Cliche Book,
Page 35. Slam into the wall, then sliiiiiiiiiiiide down it.
Agent 2 goes for his gun, and Davy turns to watch. As Agent 2 lifts the gun to
point it at Davy, the air around the gun seems to bulge...
You ever seen
air bulge? Neither has anybody.
... and the gun shatters like glass in Agent 2's hand. Agent 2 freezes, not sure
what to expect. (Well, what really can you
expect after your gun shatters, huh? A blow job? A lap dance?
Monkies to fly out of his ass? You never know in a Swan/McWee script.)
Davy watches him for a moment, then loses interest, turns back
to the TV.
Silently, Agent 1 gets to his feet, approaches Davy from behind. He motions at
Agent 2 to say something. These guys are some highly
trained mother fuckers.
AGENT 2
Davy?
Davy turns to him.
AGENT 2
You like TV? Huh? There's a TV in our car. Would you like to see that?
How about a sucker, huh? Theres a sucker here in my
pants, would you like that?
Davy seems to consider it. Agent 1 leaps forward and slams the butt of his gun
to Davy's head... once... twice ...THREE TIMES A LADY!.
Davy slumps unconscious in his chair.
WTF man, he was just trying to watch Supermarket
Sweep!!!! What a meanie!!!! THAT'S IT, I KNOW YOU'RE A BAD GUY NOW AGENT 1!!!!
AGENT 2
What the hell was that?
Agent 1
The Commodores, man. Works every time.
AGENT 1
Just remember, man... when you're dealing with a psychic, always go for the
head.
That's good advice for like a massage parlor too.
Full service is kind of expensive.
Get it?
Psychic...go for the head...because psychic's use their HEADS...
TAP
Is this thing
on?
Hello?
The two men lift Davy, head for the door.
GET IT??? HEAD FOR THE DOOR!
Testing...1...2...?
Anyone?
I didn't know
zombies could smoke.
EXT. DRIVEWAY EVENING
The sedan backs out of the driveway, rounds a corner and is gone.
Now THAT was exciting!
PAN OVER TO the front door, where Louis and Donna stand silhouetted. She begins
to cry and buries her face in his shoulder. It's not until we MOVE IN CLOSE that
we see the expression on his face.
Relief, pure and simple.
Good thing it
was pure relief and not relief that had its innocence tainted in the back seat
of its 16 year old boyfriend's Mustang. Simple relief, too. The
easiest kind of relief known to man just flashed across his face.
I thought they were in silhouette??? o_O
FADE TO BLACK: 2ND TITLES UP: YOU DIDN'T THINK IT
WOULD BE THAT EASY, DID YOU?
EXT. AIRPORT - EVENING
The sun is just starting to sink behind this large, busy airport.
(Which one? This one?)
How does the sun sink? Doesn't he mean set?
SUPERIMPOSE: Boston
INT. TICKET AREA - EVENING
DUNCAN LYNCH stands at the ticket counter, buying a ticket.
(Buying a ticket, never woulda guessed that's what this crazy ticket booth
was here for.) He's a tall, gawky
guy in his late 20's, nervous, a little hyper,
afraid, agitated, annoyed, apprehensive,
basket case, bothered, concerned, distressed, disturbed, edgy, excitable,
fearful, fidgety, fitful, flustered, fussy, hesitant, high-strung, hysterical,
irritable, jittery, jumpy, nervy, neurotic, on edge, overwrought, querulous,
restive, ruffled, sensitive, shaky, shrinking, shy, skittish, snappish,
solicitous, spooked, taut, tense, timid, timorous, troubled, twitchy, uneasy,
unrestful, unstrung, upset, uptight, volatile, waspish, weak, wired, worried.
He's got a large duffel bag with him and wears a blue seamen's cap and a black wool overcoat.
Duncan looks around the lobby, searching for someone. He sees a man leaning
against a post, newspaper up, his eyes hidden by sunglasses. Duncan looks away,
notices two men together, dressed in similar suits. One of them gestures toward
Duncan.
Psst! Duncan! Don't look now, but I think you are
being followed!
Dangit, Duncan
thinks to himself, every freakin time I come to the airport here these
guys are, just in time to follow me around and fulfill the cliche!
Duncan finishes his transaction in a hurry and, ticket in hand, starts to walk
away.
INT. TERMINAL - EVENING
Duncan comes strolling in, trying hard not to glance back the way he came. He
stops by the entrance to a gate, lifts his ticket. He only glances at the ticket
before looking back down the terminal.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
The man with the NEWSPAPER is leaned up against a pay phone.
Now, I'm positive that Duncan is being followed.
Duncan's hand begins to shake. He looks around, sees a sign marked "RESTROOMS"
pointing down a hallway. A tall man dressed in a CAPTAIN's uniform steps up
behind Duncan.
CAPTAIN
Mr. Lynch?
Duncan spins, shocked. He starts to back away,
flashing back to that dream he had where a man dressed as a Captain took him to
the "little boy's room"...the memory haunts him still.
CAPTAIN
Come on... don't make this difficult. Make it easy,
baby. Just lie back.
The Captain opens his jacket, reveals a gun. Duncan turns to run, sees Newspaper
moving towards them. (I had an acid trip like that
once, except it was printer paper.), his paper folded around something.
OMG IT'S A GUN DUNCAN!!!!!
Duncan makes a decision, ducks around the Captain, and hops up onto a row of
chairs. He begins to run along, armrest to armrest. He leaps over a railing,
hits the ground still running, and vanishes down the hallway.
Thank goodness
he was able to just...you know...DUCK AROUND...the captain. That must have
been a quick maneuver. However, have you ever tried to run armrest to
armrest across some chairs? It's like running through tires. What we need
is a closeup of the Captain's face with him going..."HUH?!"
Newspaper comes running up, and he and the Captain head after Duncan, guns
drawn.
Insert "Yackety Sax" by Boots Randolph, for added
Benny Hill-type flourish.
Damn.... I was going to say that.
INT. HALLWAY - EVENING
Duncan runs full out, bounces off one wall and crashes into the door of the
women's room.
PERVERT!!!!
There are tampons everywhere!
INT. RESTROOM - EVENING
Duncan spills in through the door and hits the floor, hard.
(Long, sleek, plunging things...now hard. I'm
telling you, FREUDIAN DOGS!) He scrambles to his
feet and ducks into one of the stalls. He should never
have eaten that guacomole. Now he was going to pay the price.
INT. HALLWAY - EVENING
Newspaper and the Captain burst into the hallway. One runs to the right, one
runs to the left. They considered going forwards and
backwards, but that just seemed silly.
INT. STALL - EVENING
Duncan sits perched on top of a toilet so his feet don't show. He struggles to
remain quiet. His ass betrays him.
DUNCAN'S ASS
Phert! Ppppppppphhhhheeerrttttttttttt-put-put-put-put-phweeeeeeee..... phert!
The bathroom door can be heard opening. Duncan practically jumps out of his
skin. His ticket is clenched tight in one hand.
Thank GOD we know the ticket is safe!
FOR NOW!
We hear a few footsteps, then BLAM! The sound of one of the stall doors being
kicked open. BLAM! Another one flies open, rattling the walls of Duncan's stall.
He is sweating heavily now, his breathing shallow, his eyes wild.
We see the shadow of someone who pauses on the other side of the stall door.
Duncan stops breathing.
10 bucks says Duncan's stall is next....
C R A S H ! With one kick, the Captain knocks the stall door open.
(You fuckers totally owe me $10 bucks.)
Duncan
screams like a girl, and his ticket bursts into
flames. (NO!!! NOT THE TICKET!!)
Shocked, Duncan drops the ticket. He turns his hand over. A small flame
dances on the palm. Meanwhile, the Captain just
stands there.
CUE: THE BANGLES: ETERNAL FLAME
The Captain stares at the flame for a moment, The
Bangles' lilting harmonies bringing tears to his hardened eyes. Then he
remembers, The Bangles broke up! and rage fills him
before he regains his
composure, snaps his gun up, hammer back.
CAPTAIN
Get up, you bastard...
DUNCAN
NO!! I'M NOT
FINISHED HERE!!
There is a faint crackling sound and WHOOSH! The Captain goes up in flames
himself. He wasn't expecting Duncan's mutant fart
lighting power!
INT. RESTROOM - EVENING
The Captain backs away from the stall, screaming, and collapses. Duncan steps
out of the stall. His right arm is engulfed in fire, but not burning.
I think he meant: "but not burning him." Redundent,
yes. But pure McWee.
The restroom door flies open and four AGENTS, led by Newspaper
(Towelie's cousin), pour into the room, guns
up.
DUNCAN
It w-w-w... w-wasn't my f-fault...
wow... a stuttering main character... what a good
idea.
A fifth AGENT runs in, fire extinguisher up.
(I'm here guys! Is there a fire this time? NO SHIT! All the
training finally pays off!!) He quickly puts the Captain out.
Duncan doesn't even see him turn the extinguisher toward him. Duncan is knocked
off his feet. He smacks his head on a sink and is out like a light.
A light that had been turned off.
OK.
FADE TO BLACK: 3RD TITLES UP: STILL HERE? MUST BE A
FIELD TRIP OF RETARDS....
EXT. SKYLINE - EVENING
All across the immediately recognizable San Francisco skyline, lights are coming
on as the last daylight slips away.
CUE: GHEY HOUSE MUSIC
SUPERIMPOSE: San Francisco
Thanks for the 411!!!!
INT. OFFICE - EVENING
Two walls of this large, ultramodern office are glass, and the view is
spectacular. PHIL CRANSTON stands at the bar, drink in hand, his eyes on the
city. He's a few years past forty, balding, his body starting to go soft from
the good life. This is the main office for a magazine called AMERICAN VIEW,
covers of which adorn the walls.
Phil tosses his whole drink back with one gulp, turns to the bar to fix himself
another drink. He happens to glance at the mirror behind the bar and gasps,
spinning around to face...
... AGENT 3 and AGENT 4, who stand just inside the office door.
AGENT 3
Mr. Cranston?
PHIL
Who the hell are you?
AGENT 3
I'm Agent 3, this is my partner Agent 4. No relation.
We'd like to have a few words with you.
AGENT 4
Your wife sent us.
FORESHADOWING!!!!!
Foreshadowing like a sledge hammer to the forehead.
Agent 3 and Agent 4 begin to move closer, slowly,
sensually.
What about agent 5, 6 and 9,10 and 30 and 31. These
fuckers will kill for a name!
PHIL
Oh, shit... is this about a divorce? Because
that was just supposed to be a joke, guys.
Yes, because this is how people are usually informed.
AGENT 3
(laughs)
A divorce? No... it's nothing that traumatic. We just have some questions for
you. Whats the capital of South Dakota? How many
dimples in a golfball? Is the Pope Catholic?
DA DA DUM!!!!
PHIL
Who are you guys with? I'd like to know who's asking...
You're asking, Phil! You! God, dumbass...
Agent 3 and Agent 4 exchange subtle nods and they both
leap forward. Phil has no time to react. Agent 3 presses the barrel of the gun
to Phil's eye.
AGENT 3
You try anything... you're dead.
Because pretending to be FBI and arresting him for
questioning would be too.... logical.
Agent 4 brings out a syringe, begins to prep it. Phil sees the needle and
panics. He looks up, makes eye contact with Agent 3. All sound seems to drop
away except for a heartbeat. After a moment, the heartbeat slows, just a bit,
then stops.
PHIL
I'm dead?
I can't begin to describe the sheer dumbassity of
someone asking if they're dead. McWee more than likely took this from the time
he accidentally bumped into a girl and said "Did I just get laid!?".
Agent 3's eyes go wide and he seems to pale. He fumbles with the gun, pulls back
the hammer.
If these guys are working for some super de dooper
government agency and are continually in the line of danger, they would almost
certainley be carrying an automatic. Lack of research, intelligence, and good
writing there.
McWee wants this to be timeless. PA systems from the
1940s, guns from the 1880s, writing from the 1st grade...
Agent 4 realizes what's happening and slams the syringe into Phil's chest,
expertly shooting its contents into Phil's heart.
AGENT 3
Man, Agent 4, where did you learn to depress the plunger of a syringe so
expertly?
AGENT 4
Let that be a lesson to you, Agent 3... (pause for effect)... stay in school.
Phil's whole body goes rigid and, as he gasps for air, the sound of the
heartbeat starts again, ragged at first, then stronger...
All the sound returns as Phil passes out. Agent 3 collapses, hands to his chest,
and begins to sob like McWee after a
Charlie Kaufman movie..
Dumb.
FADE TO BLACK: 4TH TITLES UP:
NOW YOU WILL LEARN THE TRUE MEANING OF PAIN!!!
I'm waiting for the END titles. The only ones you will
yearn to see.
EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT
Palm trees line one side of the street, Art Deco-styled businesses line the
other.
SUPERIMPOSE: Miami
Cue: Miami Vice theme song by Jan Hammer
JOHN HARRISON, mid-thirties, walks along the sidewalk, out of place amidst the
well-dressed, obviously wealthy tourists. John's clothes are worn and dirty. His
hair and his beard are matted, filthy, and shaving is obviously a foreign
concept to him,
which is why I just told you his hair and beard are matted and filthy, because
he doesn't shave, hence the hair and beard, lack of shaving.
He
seems oblivious to the open stares from
everyone who he passes.
Yeah that's annoying when you're walking around and
everyone is staring at you, and you know they are all laughing at you on the
inside. It's enough to really creep you out. T_T
This whole scene is fake. Any bum in a rich white
person's area is carted off before the stink can invade the first patio bar.
He slows down as he approaches the patio of an outdoor restaurant.
(Wow, that was totally unintentional. I make a patio
bar/beach community cliche throw away comment and the very next senstence McWee
uses it seriously. God Bless you, McWee. You never let me down.)
A YOUNG COUPLE stands up and leaves. There is food left on
both their plates. John picks up his pace, grabs the food off the plates as he
passes, then bursts into a full run. He turns down an alley and is gone.
SOMEONE CALL MAYOR McCHEESE! THE HAMBURGLAR IS BACK IN
TOWN!
I thought people were staring at him?
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
John runs midway down the alley and ducks behind a dumpster. He starts to ram
the food down his throat. A half-cheeseburger gone in two bites. Most of an
order of chicken parmesan. He is licking tomato sauce off of his hand when AGENT
5 steps around the edge of the dumpster. He opens his wallet and holds it up.
There's an official-looking badge and an ID.
How did he pick up an order of chicken parmesan off
of a plate? Aren't there like noodles and stuff?
McWee only eats Cheeseburgers and Twinkies, cut the
guy some slack.
AGENT 5
Federal Agent. Can we talk, Mr. Harrison?
At the sound of his name, John jumps to his feet. He touches the dumpster and,
in one move, the dumpster slides forward and pins Agent 5 to the wall.
John turns and sees that the end of the alley is blocked off by police cars. He
looks towards the other end off the alley. Same thing. Men in riot gear approach
from both ends, shields up. John gestures at one group.
Everyone of their plexi-glass shield melt and run to the ground.
(There should be a space between every and one.)
The men all stop. There is a loud POP! and a can
of tear gas comes spiraling in, red smoke billowing behind it. John looks up and
the can slows, then stops in mid-air.
So like I was playing Thief Gold, that is pretty
cool. That Viktoria girl is hot. She was cool in the 2nd one too but it sucked
when she died at the end.
Agent 5 slips out from behind the dumpster.
He is as thin as a sheet of paper. Taking a deep
breath, he puffs on his thumb repeatedly, eventually returning his body to its
correct proportions. As he starts to walk
towards John, John spots him. He glances back at the tear gas can and it shoots
forward. It hits Agent 5 full in the face, taking him off his feet. Blood erupts
from his nose.
Before it can hit the ground, the canister changes direction and bullets
straight into the line of men. All hell breaks loose, and the men charge John.
He vanishes under a mountain of them, all punching and kicking, clubs swinging.
OH NO HE DID
NOT JUST BULLET THAT THING AT US...UH UUUUUUUUH! THERE IS HELL
TO PAY FOR THAT!
End result: 17 police injured during melee.
The last glimpse we get of John's face, he almost looks like he's smiling.
Maybe it was more of a smirk. A smirk
crossed with a grimace. Occasionally he grins... but NOT OFTEN!
FADE TO BLACK: MAIN TITLE UP: SO, YOU THINK
YOU'RE TOUGH, HUH? WELL TRY THIS SHIT ON FOR SIZE!
We hear a single sound, a low electric buzzing.
Don't open the door!!!! I'm playing with my
vibrator!!!!! I mean. Wait. I'm baking a cake!!!!!
FADE IN ON:
INT. WARD - DAY
This is a long, sterile white room with ten beds, five on each side of the room.
Long tables bisect the room. Windows take up most of three walls. Five of the
beds are occupied at the moment. Duncan, Phil, John, and Davy each have a bed,
as does RICHARD DREISELL, (What, but we
don't know this guy... I wonder what his deal is? Maybe its just me, but I don't
trust him.) a guy in his late twenties with dark
features, wild hair. All five men are asleep, and they are all dressed in the
same khaki jumpsuits we saw Russell and Keven in earlier.
Overhead, the buzzing comes from the flickering florescent lights. Phil is the
first to stir, opening one eye and looking up at the lights. At first, he's too
confused, too overwhelmed to react at all
(like me, the first time I read this piece of shit).
Finally, he sits up.
Well it's about time Phil!!!
He looks around, panic rising. He looks the other men over. On one side of him,
John lies on his back, his face a testament to the savagery of the beating he
withstood. Both eyes are black, and several cuts have been stitched up. On the
plus side, (because there's ALWAYS a plus side
to a savage beating and abduction) he is
clean-shaven now, and we can see his face. If not for the recent beating, he'd
be a good-looking guy. (I'M FUCKING TELLING
YOU! FREUDIAN'S DOGS!)
I want to have sex with him already!!!! ^_^
On the other side of Phil, Duncan is in a little better shape... but just a
little.
Just a tad...a
smidgen, if you will.
The economy of words!
Harry charged him for those ellipses...you know it.
PHIL
Where the fuck am I?
Phil throws his sheet back, climbs out of bed,
he has morning wood like a mother fucker. He
crosses to the nearest window, which is crisscrossed with bars as well as wire
mesh.
Or you could just say: Remember the ward from Cuckoo's
nest? It looks like that.
POV - PHIL
Outside are rolling green hills leading to dense forest. There is no sign of
civilization, except for the curious looking
speakers placed at random.
INT. WARD - DAY
Phil grabs the bars and cries out (ATTICA!
ATTICA!). At the far end of the ward, the door
opens and Strickland enters, followed closely by four of the Psi-Guards.
STRICKLAND
Mr. Cranston?
Phil turns to Strickland, tears in his eyes.
PHIL
I want my mommy!
Who are you? Tell me how you know my name...
STRICKLAND
Your wallet had your ID in it. We've got your pants...
I borrowed $10.
I'll
have to insist that you return to your bed.
PHIL
NO!!!
Answer my questions first... tell me where I am.
That's not a question.
STRICKLAND
All of your questions will be answered in time...
BULLET time... but first you have to
do me a favor... pull my finger...
They need to have some softcore bass music playing
here.
Phil considers them for a moment, then charges them, hysterical with panic. The
Psi-Guards don't react till the last
possible moment, (They're so effecient)
when they surround Phil in a box, stopping him. He tries to shove past them, but
one of them brings out his staff, (Ahh...
yeah.)one of the instruments we saw earlier(I
bet you have.). He hits a switch on the side and
we see a hypodermic needle slide out of the end.
FREUDIAN'S FUCKING DOGS!
Phil sees it, too.
(I bet he does.)
Wait I didn't see it. What was it again???
PHIL
No! What do you think you're doing?!
Trust me when I
say, these PSI-Guards have no idea.
Two of the other Psi-Guards grab Phil, hold him as the first one stabs him in
the thigh. Phil begins to flail and shriek, out of his mind with fear. As the
Psi-Guards surround Phil, he redoubles his efforts. We lose sight of him, and
all we can hear are his screams as we
SHOCK CUT TO:
for no goddamn reason.
Got to love those shock cuts. Shock cut to me eating cereal. Shock cut to me
pooping.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
There are six video screens set into the walls of this room. Like the room
itself, the large table that takes up the center of the room is round.
Man that King Arthur movie was a clusterfuck, not
even Kiera Knightley could save it.
She is so hot. Did you see Holes? You see her boobs in
it. Small, but very, very nice.
John, Duncan, Davy, Phil,
and Richard sit around the table. All six
(Six? He only named five!)
of the men look like they are slightly doped up, like
they've just woken from profound sleeps. Psi-Guards stand by both of the doors
of the room. No one says a word.
The only profound thing in this script is the
characters' sleep. Other writers would have settled for 'deep,' but Weenie has a
thesaurus.
The door slides open, and Strickland enters with Dennings. As soon as Dennings
sees the six men, he smiles. He hangs back as Strickland steps up to the table.
Maybe this is like the movie the Third Man where
there wasn't really like a third man, he was actually like the Swiss cuckoo
clock or whatever. So then here there is a sixth man that doesn't actually
exist. But since six is twice three, then this means that this script is twice
The Third Man!!!!! Brilliant!!!! ^_^
Thats McWee's attempt to get some deeper message board
discussions going at some point, ala Blade Runner and "Who is the Sixth
Replicant?"
STRICKLAND
Gentlemen... I'm sorry that we haven't had the chance to introduce ourselves
before this. My name is Dr. Adam Strickland. The five of you will be working
closely with me for the next few months. If everything goes according to
schedule, you will be home by the new year.
Wait nevermind I take it back, there's actually only
five of them.
Don't let McWee fool you, the sixth man is him. He has
literally poured his soul into this script.
DREISELL
Where the hell are we?
DREISELL IS A FAKE!!!!!
oops... SPOILER!
STRICKLAND
You're safe. This is a private research facility.
JOHN
Where?
STRICKLAND
That's not important.
But trust me, you're safe. That's why we
had to beat the shit out of you and such, to ensure your safety.
JOHN
I think it's plenty goddamn important. Who runs this place?
STRICKLAND
Joe.
JOHN
Joe Who?
STRICKLAND
Joe Mama, bitch.
JOHN
Har-dee, har fucking har.
STRICKLAND
We're called the American Society for the Research of Specialized Abilities.
Specialized Abilities? Do they have a card counting
wing? A place kickers wing?
Wow that's as ominous as the evil
ass American Cancer Society.
So these guys research retards...right?
DREISELL
Government funded?
STRICKLAND
Again... that's not something you need to worry about.
Why wouldn't he just say yes? Who are these guys going
to tell? And seriously, why would they fucking care about funding after they had
been kidnapped? Especially a guy who not only knows he has special powers, but
knows how to use them. Wouldn't he kind of guess what might be going on?
Oh... I'm sorry, I forgot what I was reading for a moment.
PHIL
Of course they are.
Yeah. Duh.
Subtext! I love
subtext! The government is bad! Way to go, McSwan!
JOHN
I've never heard of the ASRSA...
STRICKLAND
Really, because we sent out flyers a few months ago.
"hey we're a new secret government branch. Mention our name get a free personal
pan pizza from Pizza Hut."
And you never will after this, either. We deal with the
type of research here that tends to cause... debate. Lycanthropy, precognition,
telekinesis, pyrokinesis... the kind of stuff
people debate all the time.
PHIL
That's crazy. None of that stuff exists.
STRICKLAND
You see? Your attitude is a perfect example of why we keep our existence
private. And frankly, I'm tired of it.
People snickering at you... It just makes me... RAGE.
I'm not interested in arguing about the
validity of what we do here. I know what results I've
seen, and that's what's important to me. I am surprised at your attitude,
though, Mr. Cranston. Being what you are, I thought you might have an open
mind...
PHIL
What do you mean, what I am?
STRICKLAND
You're a big fat pig.
Come now... no time for games. You all know exactly why you're here. You are not
just normal men, average, faceless no ones... you are all touched with something
extraordinary. You have no secrets now.
One time, these like aliens took me up to like their
ship. And they had these long fingers, with spherical tips. And I lay on this
cold table nude while they touched my privates. I could feel their fingers,
sliding into me, touching me, on the inside.
PHIL
What are you talking about?
Its pretty obvious he's talking about a repressed
memory of when he was molested by a Priest and covered it up by pretending it
was Aliens. Stay with the tour, Phil.
STRICKLAND
You want me to spell it out? You want me to show you proof? Fine.
I - T There, I spelled "it" out for
you!
Strickland points a remote at the wall, and all the video screens come to life.
They all play the same image, a diagram of the human body, rendered in stunning
3-D animation.
STUNNING! Wait, is this a 3-D film? So what the
fuck does that mean?
STRICKLAND
Evolution is defined as the process of change from one species to another by
genetic mutation. I am a homo sapiens, as is my colleague, Mr. Dennings, as are
the men inside those uniforms. The five of you, though, are not. You are
something more. You are what I have named homo superior. The reason for this is
a small gland, here...
Calling Stan fucking Lee! Homo Superior? That's a
direct rip from X-men. I mean, the rest of this script at least changes the
names of the characters, but here he just got lazy. And fat.
Thats how Mutant X got sued and eventually bought out
by Marvel.
Heh...he's got
a small gland to be so homo superior.
Onscreen, we see the brainstem. At the very tip of the spine, there is a small
gland that is hooked into every lobe of the brain.
Offscreen, we see my brainstem sitting sullenly,
pissed off at my subjecting it's precious cells to this screenplay.
What about the third eye??? Doesn't this guy listen
to Tool???
If by "tool" you mean "McWee", then yes.
Every lobe?!
You mean all four of them?! (Psst, McSwan, it should just say EACH lobe.)
STRICKLAND
This gland produces a powerful electroconducive
(<- Not a real word)
chemical which seems to have different reactions in each of you. This chemical
is what causes your psychic abilities.
DREISELL
What did you say?
STRICKLAND
Stop playing coy, Mr. Dreisell. It's boring. You know exactly what I mean.
DREISELL
No, I'm being
serious. I was checking out the PSI-Guard's long, sleek pole and I didn't
hear you. Could
you repeat what you said?
STRICKLAND
I know you were
checking him out. Stop being coy. He wants you, too.
This is the gayest "cute" dialog I ever read. "It's boring". No your script is
boring.
What if Professor X was a fag and a snooty fanboy.
Strickland hits a button on the remote, and all the screens start to play what
appears to be a surveillance tape from a convenience store.
ONSCREEN
We see a CLERK, standing at a counter, reading JUGGS
(I can identify with this)
while he eats a
cupcake (McWee can identify with this).
He
looks up, startled, when the front door flies open and Dreisell comes racing in,
dressed in casual clothes that are stained with mud, his hair wild.
DREISELL
Where's the back door?
CLERK
I don't... like that kind of thing...
DREISELL
I DON'T HAVE TIME TO FUCK AROUND!! WHERE'S THE BACK DOOR?!
Another good setup for a ghey sex scene. Are we
noticing a trend?
Because I
haven't been saying it since the get-go. FREUDIAN'S DOGS!
He doesn't have time to fuck around, but he has time
to say it. Luckily the main characters are badly written as well, or they'd see
right though this lame staged video.
The front door opens again, and four AGENTS spill in, guns up. Dreisell turns to
face them.
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
All of the men watch the footage onscreen, attention riveted. Strickland watches
all of them as they watch. The audience watches
the screen as Strickland watches the men watch as things are being watched and I
check my watch, attention riveted.
Onscreen, Dreisell raises his arms and cries out.
(VIVA LOS SCORCHIOS!!!) All around him, things begin
exploding off of the shelves. One of the Agents charges him, and all the others
follow. Quickly, they overpower him, and the screen goes black.
The movie is
over? THANK YOU, GOD!
STRICKLAND
(Well, shit! Is the screen still black
for his next line or what?)
Absolutely remarkable... very impressive.
Impressive...most impressive.
heh heh.
So Strickland is what happens when a ghey fanboy melds Darth Vader with Prof X.
Did this prick not know his movie was already made ten times better and it's
called fucking Scanners???
And what's so impressive about blowing up some shit on the shelves of a quicke
mart?
Let's see you
do it, bitch.
Dreisell looks around. All the other men are staring at him.
Sometimes, I like to walk around the mall wearing
women's clothes and stuff. I try to shake my cute little ass back and forth when
I do it, it is like SO cool when you catch a guy checking it out. ^_~
DREISELL
What are you staring at? He said the rest of you are freaks, too.
(pause)
STOP LOOKING AT ME!
ALL OF THE OTHER MEN IN UNISON
NO!!!!
The one scene in the script that is possibly based on
actual life experience of the author.
That's a load
of bullshit right there. We've seen tons of scenes with overweight, out of
shape guys lusting after in shape guys with lean, sleek poles. This scene
ain't a first in that category.
Two of the video screens blow out. Strickland doesn't even look back at them.
Because he's hardcore.
STRICKLAND
If you do that again, Mr. Dreisell, I'll put you back to sleep. For good.
Because I'm hardcore.
DREISELL
(finally)
I'm sorry.
STRICKLAND
GAWD! FINALLY!
Mr. Lynch, your pyrokinetic temper tantrums cost a good soldier in the Gulf War
his life...
Dialogue not clunky at all there. Why mention the
Gulf War for no reason other than to make a poor sentence even worse?
Timeliness. This script resonates, thats why.
Who's to say he
was a good soldier anyway?
DENNINGS
Kinda redefines "friendly fire," doesn't it?
Ho ho!!!! Worst pun ever.
Speaking of
timeliness...worst timing for a quippy one-liner ever.
This would be cooler if he had a flame throwing
penis.
I once thought I had a flame throwing penis, turned
out to be the Clap.
Thanks for
that, by the way. Fucking jerk...could've at least called the next day!
STRICKLAND
How many people have you hurt in your lifetime because you couldn't control
yourself? Ten? Fifty? More?
10, 20, 30, 40, 50 or more! The bloody Red Baron was
running up the score. Many men died, trying to end the streak of the bloody Red
Baron of Germany.
DUNCAN
Th-they were all a-a-accidents.
Just like Drew McWeeney's father used to tell him.
"You fat piece of shit, you're an accident! I got all drunk and coked up and
fucked a carny and then you showed up! You're not worthy of the name McWeeney!":
But then... who is?
STRICKLAND
Of course they were. The point is, you know so little about yourself that you
can't keep those accidents from happening. I'd like to teach you how. All of you
men are the same. You all possess psychic abilities to some degree.
(Please tell us
again how they have psychic abilities.)
PHIL
That's bullshit.
(Please have another character deny their
psychic abilities so we can get some more back story.)
STRICKLAND
Really? Maybe you could explain something for me, then, Mr. Cranston. You are
the publisher of AMERICAN VIEW magazine, aren't you?
PHIL
NO!!! YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT!!!
Yes...
STRICKLAND
You had a partner on that magazine when you started... a Jason Randall, I
believe in a thing called love, JUST LISTEN TO
THE RHYTHM OF THE HEART!
PHIL
So? So you can sing The Darkness. So
what?
STRICKLAND
You and Mr. Randall were entangled in a sticky legal battle over ownership of
the magazine last year, but that conflict ended abruptly when Mr. Randall, at
the surprisingly young age of thirty-seven, dropped dead of a brain hemorrhage.
Now, our research indicates that you have mastered a certain level of control
over the voluntary and involuntary biological functions of others.
Is there
another type of biological function besides voluntary or involuntary?
So can he like, get a girl horny with his mind???
That would be a much cooler script. ^_^
PHIL
If you're saying what I think you're saying, you're going to be sorry...
however, if you're not saying what I think you're
saying, then I bet you're going to be sarcastic about it!
STRICKLAND
Oh, really? Why? Are you going to give me a brain hemorrhage as well?
PHIL
I DETECT SARCASM!
He died. It was just something that happened. That doesn't mean it was me.
STRICKLAND
No. Of course not. So, I guess we'll just drop
it then.
The door opens and several Psi-Guards walk in, each carrying one of the black
rods, Needleguns in future references.
Moriarty is clearly expressing his own dismay at
having a "needlegun" instead of a big, black, pole.
STRICKLAND
Until we can trust you gentlemen to keep your powers under control, I'm afraid
we'll have you on a series of drugs we call inhibitors. We will cut your intake
when we want to work with you, but otherwise, you will be required to stay on a
strict dosage schedule. I'd advise you not to fight it, or try and make trouble.
The electric fields generated by the body armor these men wear keeps them from
being influenced by you. (Why?)(I
think you mean...DO WHAT!?) They are
prepared to use force on you, but only if you make it necessary. Now... are
there any questions?
Uh...yeah. Sir? Over here? Thanks. Uh...will this
script keep sucking, or will it get better at any point?
Uh... hi... ToeJam, Scorched Planet.... How do you
answer the charge that your DVD collection is more responsible for this script
than you are?
This guy talks too much.
(pause)
No? Then we'll begin tomorrow morning. Until then...
He just totally dissed both of you guys.
With a quick nod, Strickland exits.(What in the
hell was the fucking nod for?) Dennings follows him out, strolling
casually.(Dumdeedoo) The Psi-Guard closest to John hits a button on his Needlegun, and the
hypo slides out. The Psi-Guard begins to approach John.
PSI-GUARD 11
Bend over, bitch. I feel like a cruise down the hersey highway...
John's rendition of "Moon River" can be heard all over the Complex.
INT. MAUGHAM'S SUITE - DAY
This is the large main room of a suite of living quarters. The walls are
decorated with posters of Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Bruce Lee, APOCALYPSE NOW,
Robert De Niro in TAXI DRIVER. Loud guitar rock blares from a hidden speaker.
It's common
knowledge that every hardcore psychic badass also loves his mainstream pop
culture. This is just character continuity.
In the center of the room, Maugham stands stripped to the waist, running through
exercises based on what appears to be tae kwon do or some other martial art. His
body is in astonishingly good shape, every muscle defined, taut.
(McWee's got a boyfriend! McWee's got a boyfriend!)
(And his name is Dalton. Patrick Swayze from RoadHouse...which is a GREAT
fucking movie.)
"Tae Kwon Do or some other martial art"!? Do some
research you FAT LAZY FUCK. All martial arts are not the same. Is it Tae Kwon
Do? Aikido? Chin Na? Tang Soo Do? Shotokan Karate? Hapkido? Kenpo? Those are all
different, dumbshit. All totally different. And if this guy is supposed to be
such a hardcore fucking military machine, he should be doing something like Dim
Mak or another one stike one kill type art. Fuck you and your LAZY, UNINFORMED
writing. You wouldn't know "some other martial art" if I kicked your
fucking ass with it!
As he exercises, he keeps his eyes closed tight. His back is to the door. The
door opens silently and Strickland steps in. So
(Ahh..)fast that we(AHHH...) almost miss it(...CHOOooo!),
Maugham draws a knife from his belt, spins and throws it. The knife pins
Strickland to the door by his shirt collar.
What happened?
I sneezed. Did I miss something awesome?
Trust me.
No.
MAUGHAM
Stick around...
Maugham opens his eyes.
MAUGHAM
Hi.
Action has a new name...and it's
called Maugham. Rolls off the tongueham doesn't it?
I love ASSRAM though. Fucking great shit. That's almost as bad as using an
acronym from a shitty 80's movie for your website.
I think "Hi" will be the new "I'll be back" catchphrase.
Maugham raises his hand. The knife pulls free of the door and flies straight to
his hand. He tucks it back in his belt.
MAUGHAM
You really should remember to knock.
STRICKLAND
I'm sorry, Charles.
MAUGHAM
Lucky for you, my aim is good. Quarter inch different, you'd be dead.
Strickland reaches up and feels his torn collar.
STRICKLAND
I just wanted to stop by and tell you that the new men are awake now.
MAUGHAM
I know.
Maugham closes his eyes, goes back to his exercises.
MAUGHAM
Anything else?
STRICKLAND
Any luck with the search?
MAUGHAM
Don't hassle me about it. I'll let you know.
STRICKLAND
I'm just asking...
MAUGHAM
You've got your answer. Drop it.
HAHA TEH MAUGHAM SAYS DROP IT BITCH!!!!!
Strickland watches Maugham for a moment, wanting to say something else,
yearning to speak his heart, searching for the words that will truly express how
he feels deep inside of his very soul. He reaches out towards Maugham with
one arm, hand open and fingers spread. The tears stream down his cheeks.
Please, he is saying, please take me in those powerful arms and let us be one
together. He lowers his head and turns his face away, knowing that which
he truly desires will never be his.
MAUGHAM
Do you mind?
He's just trying to express his true feelings, you
don't need to shut him out of your life like this.
Finally, Strickland leaves.
God damn, that was a lame scene.
EXT. ASRSA COMPLEX - MORNING
The sun is just rising over the horizon, casting a red-orange glow over
everything.
The sun doesn't
cast a red-orange glow in the mornings. Maybe the evenings, but the
mornings it's more like a bright, yellow, evil reminder that it's time for
another day and I drank way too much the night before.
INT. WARD - MORNING
The door to the ward opens and several Psi-Guards follow Strickland in. The men
all start to wake up.
STRICKLAND
You gentlemen have one hour from right now to shower and to eat. At that time,
you will accompany these guards for your first round of testing. Do not be late.
How could they be late? They're in jail. What else
does anyone in the entire complex have to do that day?
Are
these guys fucking pussies or what? It takes me 25 minutes tops to shower,
shave, and eat a fucking bowl of cereal. One hour get ready time is for
the LADIES.
Strickland is gone before anyone can say a word. Resigned, the men all start to
get up.
Resigned, the Planeteers read on...
INT. HALLWAY - MORNING
The Psi-Guards lead the men to a row of doors, bring them a stop. The men are
dressed, showered.(Thanks for that, had you not
said it, I was assuming they were all naked.) Each of the men is led to a different door. The doors slide
open and, one by one, the men step through. The doors slide closed behind them
one by one, each with a depressingly final
sound of depressingnessism..
a
INT. HOLDING ROOM - MORNING
This small cubicle of a room is lit only by a dim red bulb overhead. John turns
away from the door, towards a second door on the opposite wall. He searches the
walls with his fingertips for a switch, a button, anything.
In his mind, he prays its nipples.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MORNING
Maugham sits behind Strickland and Dennings, all of them facing a wall sized
window that looks down onto a large empty room made of steel.
A room just like the room in Stargate, just without the gate.
DENNINGS
I love this part...
STRICKLAND
Calm down, Dennings. This is science, not entertainment.
I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say
that this is neither science nor entertainment.
DENNINGS
Speak for yourself. I'm highly entertained.
Uh...then, you're a retard.
DOCTOR 1 turns from the controls, looks back at the men.
DOCTOR 1
I think everything's ready.
DENNINGS
Where's Doctor 2?
DOCTOR 1
He's going number #2
DENNINGS
How ironic....
DOCTOR 1
Don't you think?
DENNINGS
Great... showtime.
INT. HOLDING ROOM - MORNING
Duncan nervously rocks from foot to foot. The dim red light overhead goes out,
plunging him into total darkness.
More plunging
into things. McSwan likes to plunge into the dark hole, you know.
DUNCAN
H-H-HEY! TURN THE L-L-LIGHTS BACK ON!
STRICKLAND
NO!!!!
Duncan begins to pound on the door. The second door slides open.
INT. TESTING ROOM - DAY
Duncan takes a few tentative steps out into the testing room. The door slides
closed behind him. The testing room is divided between pools of light and
shadow. Oh.... atmospheric.
I'm trying my damndest but I can't even begin to picture
what he means.
There is a loud pop! and a hard, black rubber ball is shot from a hidden tube.
It smacks Duncan in the head with incredible force. He is knocked off his feet.
HAHAHAHAHAA!
Hard...black...ball...tube...the main characters are extreme pansies...
You guys believin me yet or what? The homoeroticism is not even subtext
anymore.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MORNING
Dennings bursts out laughing. Strickland glares at him, annoyed.
Dennings bursts out laughing...ToeJam...is that
you??
STRICKLAND
Give me a live mic, please. Ahem... My name is
strickland and I'm here to say, I do experiments in a super ghey way...
INT. TESTING
ROOM - MORNING
Somewhat dazed, Duncan sits up.
STRICKLAND
(over mic)
Testes, testes...one, two, three...testes...is this thing on? Am I...it is? Oh.
Ahem.
Defend yourself, Mr. Lynch. This is a test.
Of the Emergency Broadcasting System. Remember, this
is only a test.
If this had been an actual movie you would have been
directed to gouge your eyes out.
There is another pop! and a second ball appears, headed
straight for Duncan. He rolls out of the way. Pop! Duncan turns towards the
sound. Before it can reach him, the ball bursts into flames. He moves quickly
out of the way, ready now.
So someone
throws a ball at you. Your defense? Turn it into a FLAMING BALL!!!!
That's as smart as a plot by the government to MIND CONTROL PSYCHICS!!!
This film is the Xmen if it were comprised of Insurance Salesman.
I once thought I had flaming balls... turned out to be
crabs.
Behind Duncan, a door slides open. There is a low,
guttural growl from in the shadows. Slowly, Duncan turns. He freezes when he
sees a huge, muscular Rottweiler lope forward out of the shadows, eyes on
Duncan. He starts to move away, but the dog's focus is on only him; he's not
going anywhere.
OMG DUNCAN THE DOG IS GOING TO BITE YOU!!!!
When Duncan turns to run, the dog breaks into a trot,
barking loudly. Duncan screams (VICTOOOOOOORIA!!!)
and, at the last possible moment
(always), turns back. The dog leaps at him, its
full weight hitting him in the chest. Duncan has to use all his strength
(Every character seems to have to resort to using
all of their strength in every scene. These guys are such pansies.)
to hold the dog's snapping jaws back, away from his
face, back, and away from his face, back, and
away from his face.
DUNCAN
S-S-STOP IT!
DOG
Oh, sorry, I was just playing....
DUNCAN
D...D....Don't wuh....wuh....wuh...worry a....a....a...abo...abo....ABOUT IT.
DOG
Oh, thanks. Hey maybe we could... you know, be friends or something?
Duncan jams his thumb into the dog's eye.
DOG
OW! Son of a....
The dog jerks back, yelping, and Duncan takes the opportunity to scramble to his
feet. The dog regains its footing, begins to growl again. It turns to face
Duncan, who looks positively sick.
Poking a pissed off dog in the eye is not going to
make it retreat. It's going to make it eat your face.
I am positively sick!!!!
DUNCAN
P-p-please... stop...
The dog starts to charge Duncan, who steps back and screams. There's a
distortion in the air between him and the dog, and there is a sharp crackling
sound. The dog bursts into flames. It stops, snapping at the air and whining in
pain.
This would have been so much cooler with a flame
throwing penis.
Everything is much cooler with flame throwing penis.
Duncan drops into a sitting position, trying to catch his breath.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MORNING
Everybody's trying to talk at once. (However,
even amidst all of their efforts, they fail.)
Strickland and Dennings watch as two Psi-Guards help
Duncan to his feet, lead him away.
DENNINGS
That's incredible. If he can be conditioned...
He will have the greatest hair in all of the world!
STRICKLAND
... could feel it in here, like some sort of electricity in the air ... can you
smell it? Like someone lit a match ...
DOCTER 1
Sorry sir, that was just me.... I had chili for lunch.
MAUGHAM
That was good. Not great... but good.
That Maugham. Quick with the
criticism but never a complement. Lack of positive reinforcement will undo this
bunch.
INT. HOLDING ROOM - MORNING
The red light overhead goes out. John doesn't make a sound. After a moment, the
door slides open.
What's with all the sliding doors? He's been watching
too much Star Trek. Why can't the doors just open like normal? Oh right, because
then it wouldn't be TOTALLY AWESOME SCI-FI!
John doesn't move. Ten seconds go by. Twenty. Suddenly, the floor of the room
begins to heat up, glow red. John cries out and jumps out of the room.
FIRE BAD!
So twenty seconds of screentime are spent watching
the guy on the floor??? o_O
INT. TESTING ROOM - MORNING
The holding room door slides closed. John looks around, hyper aware. He sees the
burnt dog, has no reaction. Then, just as
suddenly, He notices the window, a sheet of
black glass from this side. Because all
windows are made of a sheet of black glass.
I guess they don't clean the dog
cooking room.
I am hyper aware!!!!
JOHN
What do you really want from us... huh?
(pause)
Is this just a show for you? Does it get you off?
The unmistakable sound of fifteen men jacking off
answers his question. We hear a door slide open.
John turns, scans the shadows. A Rottweiler
comes padding into the room. As soon as it sees John, it goes nuts, barking and
snapping.
JOHN
(to self)
... give you a show...
The drum beat
kicks in, and suddenly the dog rises up on two legs. He slides in behind
John as they kick their legs in the air and sing Oklahoma.
John raises one hand and the dog freezes in mid-bark. John makes a small gesture
with his wrist and the dog collapses to the ground. It shakes and twitches as
the skin along its back splits and begin to peel back.
Do these people just have dogs just laying around
waiting to explode? Is there an "Exploding Dog" itemization in our national
budget?
OMG POOR DOGGIE!!!! T_T
Number 1 rule
of movie making is you don't kill animals. People even get sad for Cujo
and that weird wolf thing at the end of The Neverending Story.
You know what would be super funny and totally
awesome, if after this scene he has the Dog handler come in and start crying and
his assistant putting a sympathetic arm around his shoulder. You know, like in
Jedi.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MORNING
Strickland turns his eyes away, unable to watch. Dennings looks like it's
Christmas morning.
Christmas at the McWee home consisted of skinning a
dog instead of dressing the turkey.
INT. TESTING ROOM - MORNING
The dog's skin drops to the floor like discarded clothing
of an imaginary wife.
STRICKLAND
(over mic)
You've made your point, Mr. Harrison.
JOHN
Like hell I have...
The skinless corpse rises a foot off the ground.
Therefore, it is almost touching the ceiling.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MORNING
The corpse rockets up and slams into the Plexiglas window. Everyone jumps,
startled by the sound, because they weren't
watching him do it through the giant fucking window.
As the corpse drops to the floor, it leaves a bloody smear on the window.
Strickland turns to Maugham.
STRICKLAND
Handle this for me, please.
Maugham gets up, exits.
INT. TESTING ROOM - MORNING
Another door slides open and Maugham enters followed by several Psi-Guards.
Maugham walks right up to John, face to face. The Psi-Guards form a close circle
around them.
Moriarty likes to repeat himself by reiterating things and saying them twice in
the same sentence.
JOHN
Who the hell are you?
MAUGHAM
If I was up your butt kicking footballs, you'd know!
Wouldn't you, tough guy? Huh? HUH? You think
you're hot shit, don't you? Huh? HUH?
You don't exist anymore, pal. You know
that? HUH? You vanished, and no one in the world
cares. What do you think of them apples?
HUH? You belong to us now... and I will kill you
without hesitation, if you continue to fuck with us.
So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, buddy!
That's who the hell I am,
you know, to answer your question.
The least intimidating speech I have
ever heard. Maybe if poor Maugham had an editor sitting next to him. "Just tell
him you will kick his ass if he doesn't cut the shit!"
Not only that, but it also doesn't make much sense at
all.
So, Maugham is his nickname then?
JOHN
I bet I could take you out before anyone could get to me...
MAUGHAM
touche
Maybe. After you're gone, though, there'll be plenty of
time to put the heat on Davy or Duncan. They'll suffer because of your actions.
So, come on... give me your best shot.
And he should care why????????????
No shit, we just watched them cook dogs, and suddenly
we're supposed to be caring about them. Continuity is brilliant.
JOHN
(pause)
No.
MAUGHAM
Yes.
John
(pause)
No.
Maugham
Yes.
One Psi-Guard approaches John from behind. John notices.
JOHN
Are you gonna shoot me up with something again?
PSI-Guard
(pause)
No.
MAUGHAM
Yes.
JOHN
(pause)
No.
PSI-GUARD
Maybe.
MAUGHAM
(pause)
No. Ok, yes. After you're knocked out.
SMACK! The Psi-Guard knocks John out cold with a mini-club.
I'm reading this, imagining McWee's fingers flying
over the keyboard, stained with orange from the giant bag of Chee-Tohs he
munches on for "brain fuel". He's nodding to himself as he chews, going "Fucking
gold, baby. Fucking gold."
SHOCK CUT TO
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MORNING
Dennings and Strickland look down on the now-empty testing room. A door opens
and Phil enters. He walks out without hesitation, anger on his face.
Anger normally reserved for the mousey counter girl at
Starbucks.
INT. TESTING ROOM - MORNING
A steel ball comes swinging down from the ceiling on a chain and Phil narrowly
dodges out of the way. The ball disappears into the shadows.
Hey look, we're in the Danger Room! Maybe Collossus
and Wolverine will do a fastball special!
Rottweilers,
rubber balls, swinging steel balls. ASSRAM is high tech, boys.
PHIL
What the hell is that supposed to prove?
There is no response from the booth.
PHIL
Let me outa here... I gotta piss like a race
horse.
He storms over, kicks the door he entered through.
Then, he hops around holding his foot like Foghorn
Leghorn. The big toe throbs, giant and red.
PHIL
I mean it. This is bullshit...
I really gotta go!
Behind Phil, another dog emerges from the shadows. Phil turns and sees the dog
approaching him. He glances up at the window, then back at the dog.
Wait... seriously.... What WAS the steel ball on the
chain for?
PHIL
Alright... fine... but if I make a mess, don't
say I didn't warn you!
The dog begins to tense up to leap, then stops, begins to whine as if slapped.
It starts to back away, then drops over onto its side. It coughs twice,
spattering blood everywhere. The dog barks once, then simply dies.
Jesus Christ. Does McWee have a problem with dogs?
His shitty characters have already killed three of them.
Simply killed
three of them. They simply...die.
Phil looks back up at the window, no emotion visible. The door behind him opens.
Wordlessly, he walks out.
no one seems to react to the poor
dead dogs. People read the script. No emotion visible.
Moriarty takes a poop. No emotion visible.
I bet I could cut like 50 pages of people being described as NOT doing
something.
That Phil guy is a total bad ass. Hardened on the
outside and filled with gooey candy inside. Just like McWee.
INT. HOLDING ROOM - MORNING
Davy is seated now, folded into an uncomfortable position. The light goes out,
and a moment later, the door in front of him opens. Davy's response is to fold
himself into an even more of a ball and begin rocking, humming to himself
tunelessly.
So what...does this guy shove his
head in his own ass. How does one "fold himself into an even more of a ball "
anyway? Why does it always have to be hyperbole.
The Harry Knowles school of overwriting wherein you use entirely an amazing
extra words amount that can even more than you can imagine explain an idea in
the most convoluted way possibly imagined.
When in doubt, McWee goes from hyperbole to even more
of an hyperbole.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MORNING
Strickland looks annoyed.
He's obviously been reading this script.
No, he's just pissed that they don't get to use the
giant slamming hammers they installed in the training room.
STRICKLAND
Get him out of there...
INT. HOLDING ROOM - MORNING
The floor of the room begins to heat up, glow red. Davy still doesn't move, but
his humming quickly gives way to screaming. After thirty seconds,
the floor stops glowing. The other door to the
holding room opens and a Psi-Guard enters. He grabs Davy by an arm and drags him
out. Davy leaves a foot long swath of
bubbling skin behind him.
That was the most riveting thirty seconds of screen
time ever.
Nothing like
watching some poor kid burn for thirty seconds. Almost as much fun as
watching dogs get slaughtered for no apparent reason.
INT. TESTING ROOM - MORNING
The Psi-Guard pulls Davy out to the center of the room, leaves him in a heap.
STRICKLAND
(over mic)
Davy... you have to stand up.
Stand up for
your rights!
(pause)
Get up, stand up! Stand up for
your rights!
This is your last warning, Davy... I will sing
more if I fucking have to.
Pop! A ball is fired and bounces off Davy with a painful sound. Pop! Another one
is fired from a different angle, rocketing off of his head. He doesn't move,
doesn't react at all.
They're assaulting the dangerous pyschic by THROWING
BALLS AT HIM? Is that what I just read?
They need to have like Wynona Ryder popping ping
pong balls out of her vagina at them. That would be fucking kickass.
It sure would.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MORNING
DENNINGS
Go ahead and release the dog...
More Dogs! Oh, I get it! Pavlov's DOGS! Ha Ha! Did
Pavlov kill all his dogs, too?
STRICKLAND
No... wait. He's not responding at all... he'll get hurt.
I don't want to hurt him. I just want to burn him on
my heating floor and shoot rubber balls off his forehead. Releasing the
dogs is crossing the line.
DENNINGS
That's his fault. If he's this out of it, then he's no good to us anyway. I say,
let him prove himself or let him die.
(pause for effect
)
Release the dog.
This script would be way cooler if that line read:
RELEASE THE MONKEYS FROM MY ANUS!
Maugham moves up to the window for a better view.
INT. TESTING ROOM - MORNING
A dog, another Rottweiler, enters, barking and growling. As it bounds towards
Davy, he rolls over and looks at the dog. It begins to slow its stride, until it
reaches a walk. It approaches Davy cautiously.
He puts his hand out. It sniffs his hand, then begins to wag its tail. Davy
begins to pet the dog, staring blankly past it.
Then the dog pees on him.
Working Rottweiler's (e.g. exploding military dogs.)
DO NOT HAVE TAILS. They have little nubs on the end of their ass that don't lend
themselves very well to wagging. These are docked at an early age for a plethora
of reasons. More lazy writing from a shitty writer.
Davy moves his hand further down, onto the dog's
penis. The dog visibly shows his happiness as Davy strokes his cock, gently at
first, then faster. At once, the dog comes, the stream of semen flying onto
Davy's face. Davy stares blankly past it, no emotion visible.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - MORNING
Maugham turns to look at Strickland, a slight smile on his face.
MAUGHAM
Him. Give me him. I will bathe him
lovingly. Then we will lift weights and you know... talk.
INT. STRICKLAND'S OFFICE - DAY
Strickland is watching a tape of John's test in slow-motion. He is fascinated as
he sees the dog's skin start to split and peel back
and to the left.
There is a knock on the door. Strickland hits pause.
And quickly zips up his pants.
STRICKLAND
Come in.
To self: ...
heh heh ... come ...
Dennings enters, visibly elated. Mostly due
to the small conical party hat he wears at a jaunty angle.
DENNINGS
Adam, I just got off the phone with Col. Stanford. He's very excited about
today.
For a second I thought that said Col. Sanders and I
thought this was about to become totally kickass. Unfortunately, I was very,
very wrong.
Is this the same guy they introduce on like page
180???
STRICKLAND
How about you, Dan? What do you think?
Dennings glances at the TV, at the frozen image.
DENNINGS
I think we need some more dogs.
Because they've worked so well up until now, haven't
they? Is this supposed to be funny? Most people aren't going to laugh about
dog's being blown up and ripped apart.
OMG, cruelty to animals is NOT a laughing matter!!!!
How can someone be so callous!!!!
STRICKLAND
I mean about the program.
DENNINGS
I know, I was
making a joke. Can't you see my party hat?
Strickland
doesn't react at all, showing no emotion.
DENNINGS
(sighs and removes his hat)
I say we proceed as far as we can. This is the most talented group we've ever
had. The Colonel was hoping for some sort of timetable.
But if we can't come up with that, I think a bottle of
White Wine perfectly says "Congratulations! These psychics are a good bunch!",
don't you think?
STRICKLAND
Give me a week and let me run some physical tests, I'll be able to tell. It
should move quickly, though.
(We should be so lucky.)
DENNINGS
Good. I feel better telling you this, now that things are finally going well
here. We were getting ready to pull your funding.
Also, I'm ghey.
STRICKLAND
What?
DENNINGS
You heard me. Can you
blame us? Four years, Adam, with no results.
Then I leave my wife and met this Sailor named David
and suddenly... BAM! I got a boner big enough to pole vault the Great Wall of
China.
STRICKLAND
Ah... Congratulations.... Anyway,
We've had results. Look at Maugham. When I came here from Moscow, you had no
idea what to do with him. You kept him locked in a cell under two miles of
concrete. (TWO FUCKING MILES! That's
gotta be...like...30 feet in the World of McWee.) (How
did they feed him?) (Dog meat, obviously.)
I was the one who managed to draw him out
of the closet.
I was the one who organized this program. I knew it would pay off...
DENNINGS
Calm down. I told you, we're very excited now. We're not going anywhere. You
just do your best to make this one pay off, and you've got nothing to worry
about. Unless they go crazy and/or try to
escape and kill everyone... You know, like the last seven groups.
STRICKLAND
OH! Here we go! (throws his arms in the air) You always have to bring this up,
don't you? You can't let me be happy for ONE MOMENT, can you?
DENNINGS
I don't want to have this discussion again...
STRICKLAND
Oh! So why bring it up, then?
Dennings does nothing.
STRICKLAND
I'll tell you why... You're a passive aggressive manipulator and you can't stand
for me to have anything good!
DENNINGS
(gasps) That is not true!
STRICKLAND
It is too, thats why you introduced me to all your Washington friends as your
"nerdy" friend. I have feelings too, you know!
DENNINGS
I know you have.....
STRICKLAND
And it hurts just as much as yours do when they get stepped on.
DENNINGS
This is about David isn't it?
STRICKLAND
(quietly)... no.
DENNINGS
I thought you were fine with that. I thought we had an open relationship.
STRICKLAND
I guess we do.
DENNINGS
What, do you want me not to see him anymore?
STRICKLAND
DO what you think is right. I obviously don't matter.
DENNINGS
God! If you want us to be exclusive...
STRICKLAND
Oh, suddenly you're concerned about MY feelings?
DENNINGS
I thought we agreed....
STRICKLAND
I guess we did.
DENNINGS
SO what do you want me to do?
Strickland shrugs and looks away.
DENNINGS
So you're okay with it?
STRICKLAND
No, yeah I'm fine, whatever.
DENNINGS
Really fine?
STRICKLAND
I said I was fine with it.
DENNINGS
Are you sure?
Strickland merely levels a petulant glare.
DENNINGS
Ok... If you're fine with it.... Hello? You're fine with it, right?
STICKLAND
Hmmph.
DENNINGS
.... alright.... well, I've got to go.... ah... make sure the training room is
cleaned up. We'll talk later, ok?
STRICKLAND
Fine.
Dennings exits
STRICKLAND
(to himself as he palms tears from his eyes.)
....bastard.
INT. CAFETERIA - EVENING
Everyone except Phil sits at one table. Except for the Psi-Guards,
who are too cool for those nerds, they're alone.
So in other words, they aren't alone.
DREISELL
... that dog was so fast, it was right on top of me before I could do anything.
Then everything got real far away and there was this heat. When I came back, the
dog was dead. It's head was, like... imploded...
Enough with the fucking dogs! Jesus.
DREISELL IS LYING!!!!! LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!!!!!
Ooops... Spoiler
PHIL
Do you mind? I'm trying to eat poop.
DREISELL
This whole thing smacks of bad science... like something out of the Auschwitz
labs... Or maybe an X-men comic from the
mid 90s....
Just like this script smacks of bad writing. And bad
research. And bad plotting...
JOHN
These people don't even think of us as human. To them, we're lab animals, just
like those dogs. It's probably a good thing they think of us that way. Animals
wouldn't try and escape. Maybe they won't expect it if we do.
Don't animals run off all the time? Isn't that why
they have fences?
PHIL
You're not going anywhere.
JOHN
Says who?
SIMON
Says me.
PHIL
Common sense. Any escape route you come up with, they've already thought about.
They can't afford to let you escape. You're a threat to national security now.
JOHN
You think that way if you want. I can't. I can't just give up. We should stick
together on this and try to find a way out. It's our only hope for survival.
Or, maybe, becoming a super weapon and learning to
completely control your powers and then just blast your way out.... Just a
thought.
Ok John, I believe in you.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
Strickland and Dennings sit at a table, making
love notes, as they watch Maugham on a video
monitor. Maugham's in his room, seated on his bed.
Naked.
INT. MAUGHAM'S ROOM - DAY
All electronic noise is gone. Maugham is perfectly still, with his eyes closed.
For a long moment, nothing happens. (At
least McWee is consistant) We PUSH IN ON
Maugham, and everything around him seems to drop away, leaving him suspended in
darkness and silence. (It's safe to say if he
is suspended in darkness and silence, that everything didn't just SEEM to drop
away...but did, in fact, drop away.)
Does anyone know when Shikigami no Shiro 2 for PS2
comes out??? All I've heard is August, whatever.
INT. OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY
On the monitor, we see that Maugham is still physically in his room.
STRICKLAND
This could take a while. You should go get Davy now.
Dennings exits.
MAUGHAM'S EYES
fill the frame, begin an erratic dance under the eyelids.
It would be better if it were an erotic dance.
Everything is better with an erotic dance. Thats it,
thats the last cliche this script is missing. The meeting at the titty bar. Oh
wait, girls = scary. Nevermind.
POV - MAUGHAM
There are only abstract forms at first, unrecognizable as anything real.
((Dictionary.com -
Abstract: Considered
apart from concrete existence. Not Real: Not having verifiable existence.
Please, McWee, get a fucking dictionary, and as your first word, learn
REDUNDANT.) ) The forms
twist and churn, finally crystallizing into what appears to be the skyline of a
city. His POV races overhead at a dizzying speed, then dips down, into what we
discover is Los Angeles. There is an overwhelming noise of motion.
I can hear the noise of motion, I can feel the sound
of taste, I can see the love in your heart.
AND apparently you can write the smell of shit, as
well.
INT. MAUGHAM'S ROOM - DAY
The only sound is that of a light breeze from an open window that ruffles
Maugham's hair.
That just needed to be described.
Did it achingly ruffle his vibrant hair? Fag.
POV - MAUGHAM
Maugham's moving with such speed that everything appears slightly blurred. He
glides by buildings and moving cars, checking in every window.
He pauses at the Sorority house. There is a brief
pillow fight.
His POV launches in another direction, towards a large shopping mall and enters.
Inside, we weave through the crowd, inches from people's faces, checking
everyone. He goes from store to store in seconds. He begins to slow down and,
finally, comes to a complete stop by a group of children in a toy store.
What the hell is he doing with children in a toy
store???
INT. MAUGHAM'S ROOM - DAY
Maugham looks strained, pale and sweaty.
Nevermind.
POV - MAUGHAM
Maugham's POV begins to pull backwards, slowly at first, through the mall,
gradually picking up speed again, then leaving the building.
Once back in the sky, he is moving full-speed.
One time there was this girl on Howard Stern talking
about like how when she was five she was sucking guy's dicks. And they're all
WTF and she's like Well you don't know any better when you are five!!!! You know
I think she was a stripper or something, I forget.
He comes down again, this time above green countryside,
and we race up on the ASRSA complex. Maugham's POV angles down and swoops in an
open window. His. Whose? His. His? His. Whose
his? His his. His his? His. Oh, his.
INT. MAUGHAM'S ROOM - DAY
The door opens and Dennings practically pushes Davy into the room.
I practically push people all the time. Just walk up
and...practically push 'em. Maugham, still
seated, looks up at him.
DENNINGS
Here you go, Maugham. Be gentle with him.
Dennings is gone before the door slides closed. Davy stands motionless in the
middle of the room, staring at the floor.
MAUGHAM
Sit down, kid.
Nothing. No response at all.
Wait so did he like say anything???
MAUGHAM
I know you can hear me, Davy. You're not stupid. You're in there somewhere.
Have you ever seen a grown man naked, Davy?
Maugham stands, walks over to Davy. He grabs Davy's chin, tilts his head up so
they are looking each other in the eye. With
his other hand he slides his palm across Davy's face, PULLING IT TO his.
Slowly we PUSH IN ON their faces as Maugham puts his MOVE ON Davy and we see his
tongue PUSH IN Davy's mouth until they are engrossed in a passionate kiss.
MAUGHAM
What happened to you that made you hide like this? Huh? Why are you so afraid to
be yourself? Did someone call you crazy? Did they tell you that you were
retarded? Don't think about that. They didn't know anything. They used to call
me crazy, too. I knew the truth, though. They called me names because they were
scared of me... because they feared what I could do. It's a remarkable feeling,
Davy, knowing that you're the most powerful person in the room. You don't have
to worry about what they think, or what they say, or anything. They have to
worry. You're set free.
No annotation need. Hilarity all on its
own.
(pause so as not to disturb the sleeping
audience. )
I can set you free, Davy. I can teach you to do what I do. You have to ask me to
do it, though. You have to let me in, give me some sign that this is what you
want. Say the words, Davy... SAY THE GODDAMN
WOOO-OOORDS!
Oh, sorry,
wrong DOGS movie.
He releases Davy's chin. Davy holds the eye contact, not looking away.
Captain Redundancy cherishes precious moments like
this.
DAVY
(finally)
Okay.
MAUGHAM
(smiles)
Okay.
Awwwww. ^_^
And somewhere out there, Kronos smiles.
INT. WARD - AFTERNOON
John sits next to Duncan, whispering almost,
but not quite. More of a stage whisper, but not as loud. Quieter. But not too
much.
JOHN
So what'd you find out?
DUNCAN
Th-the air shafts... all l-lead t-to the outside.
(Well that is just shocking! Air vents? Leading to the
outside? The security at this place is bullshit! Where is this? Logan
international airport?)
The circle of
cliche is almost complete.
JOHN
Can we fit through them?
DUNCAN
No.
JOHN
DAMN THE GODS!
(pauses)
What if we suck
in our tummies? Could we fit then?
DUNCAN
I think s-so...
Phil, who is lying on his bed, rolls over to face them.
PHIL
You're all crazy. Remember when the authors
described me as going soft in the middle? That's right, I ain't about to
fit through any air shaft unless this movie is just really fucking retarded.
DUNCAN
I th-think the shafts c-c-could work.
(Yeah, because thats not Obvious Plan #1A. I mean come on. This script is
fucking retarded, but how can it be this fucking retarded? Like no one has ever
used the vent idea before?) (Jesus even used
the vent trick to get off the cross. It's true. I've seen The
Passion.)
PHIL
I'm sure you've had plenty of experience with shafts in the service, eh, Lynch?
Big male shafts?
Movie cliche book, Chapter 72: Faux Tough Guy Speak.
"Always include several ghey references, and innuendo. This will pass for
character development in most brain damaged people's opinions."
I just want to know like who thought of that line
and said, yes, that deserves to be written down. I mean, someone must have
thought it would be appropriate in some context. WTF.
McWee just can't help himself. He's such a naughty
little girl.
JOHN
Shut your mouth, Cranston.
(Wait a minute.... Is Phil related to The Shadow?)
PHIL
Why? So you can get his hopes up? So you can go on fooling yourself? This is it.
This is your life. (And its ending, One
page at a time.)
JOHN
No. I don't accept that.
I believe in you John!!!! I want you to succeed!!!!
PHIL
Doesn't change the facts.
JOHN
(stands)
Are you afraid to try? Is that it? Are you that weak?
(music swells)
PHIL
(stands)
I'll show you who's weak, Harrison...
(At this point, this is what, the third time their
last names have been mentioned? Why bother?)
JOHN
This is what they want. Divided, we're no threat.
United, we're like a Black hole of suck.
PHIL
Wrong. This is what I want.
Phil pulls out
a PlayGirl magazine and shows John the picture of Maugham on the front cover.
He points to Maugham's erect penis.
JOHN
Ha!
You'll have his cock when you take it from my cold, dead hands!
John slaps at
Phil, turning his face away in from the chaos of his creation.
Phil puts one
hand over his eyes, balls a fist, and lets it rip towards John.
SMASH! Phil slams one meaty fist into John's face, sending him sprawling. John's
up again immediately, though.
CUE: Star Trek Fight music.
Nothing says genius better than when
psychics FIST FIGHT!
John was up
again immediately, though!
OMG GUYZ STOP FIGHTING!!!!! YOU HAVE TO WORK AS A
TEAM TO ESCAPE!!!!!
Everyone crowds around as John and Phil circle each other. John lashes out,
his limp-wristed swinging virtually ineffective until a fingernail finally
catches Phil in the mouth, splitting his
lip.
JOHN
Now, come on... let's call it quits... I didn't
know you were going to actually use your fist you dirty bitch! IT'S ON
NOW!
Phil swings again, but John moves out of the way. John strikes with an elbow in
Phil's face, and Phil goes down. John is on him immediately, raining punches on
him. He beats Phil severely, pulping his face.
(Imagine, if you will, if McWee wrote this fight from
personal experience:
Phil and John rush at each other, arms extended and slapping like mad women,
their heads strained backwards to protect their glasses. Chests heaving like
blast furnaces, hitching cries locking their throats they eventually pull each
other to the ground. One rolls in a ball while the other slaps at his back,
screaming and crying in his impudent rage.)
Duncan finally steps in, pulls John off. Richard helps Phil sit up. He coughs,
tries to wipe the blood off his face. Fails
miserably.
JOHN
Don't you get it, Phil? You're human, just like me... just like all of us.
John holds up his bloody knuckles.
JOHN
That's human blood coming out of you. None of that changes because Duncan can
start fires by thinking about them, or because Dreisell does what he does, or
because of your abilities. You and I... we're both human beings, Phil. Please,
quit trying to be different from us. We need each other to survive. We're going
to have to trust each other if we plan on making it out of here. Together... we
are alone.
(Together... we are alone. Together... we are alone?
What the fuck does that mean?!?!?!?!)
Dreisell doesn't do anything, he's a fraud!!!!
Strickland sent him in to keep an eye on you guys!!!!!
John holds out his hand to help Phil up. After a long moment, Phil accepts it.
WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME!!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!
EXT. ASRSA COMPLEX - MORNING
Another picture postcard beautiful morning
IN HELL.
INT. ANIMAL LAB - MORNING
Maugham stands in front of a row of cages that hold chimpanzees, teasing one of
them, a slight smile on his face. This is a huge room with all sorts of animals
in it.
The door opens and two Psi-Guards escort Phil in. They exit, and Maugham waves
him over. The Chimps alternate between
masturbating and playing with their own poop.
MAUGHAM
Good to see you, Mr. Cranston. Can I call you Phil?
PHIL
Just don't call me late for dinner! WAKKA-WAKKA-WAKKA!
MAUGHAM
You suck.
Phil starts toward him cautiously.
And we're only
ONE QUARTER OF THE WAY done.
