The Last Time

By Lacy

RATING: PG

SPOILERS: The Convention

DISTRIBUTION: Kara and Emily, if you want it. Everyone else please ask me.

DISCLAIMER: All rights to the characters and places of Roswell are reserved for the WB, the producers, writers, etc. I use the Roswell characters for my own personal enjoyment and that of others, not for profit. No copyright infringement intended.

NOTE: All poetry is mine, except for the song lyrics from Semisonic's "Singing in My Sleep" and from Chris DeBurgh's "The Lady in Red." No infringement intended.

SECOND NOTE: This was written before watching "Blind Date," so any inconsistencies with the "real" band will have to be overlooked.

I fought the alarm every morning. Today was no different. I bumped the Snooze button once more and promised myself I would get up the next time it went off.

I wasn't really asleep. I hadn't slept all night. For three days. Her voice kept replaying in my head. "But this has to stop." "This obsession." "...and it's suffocating me." Even now, it was enough to pull me out of bed. I flipped the alarm off and headed for the shower.

**

I had managed three periods without seeing her. Then suddenly there she was, standing by her locker, chatting with two of her friends. She looked like a million bucks. Her face was shining. Her smile was wide. I watched, enchanted, as she gestured animatedly with her hands. She was breathtaking.

And I was going to have to pass right by her to get to my next class. I sped up my pace and lowered my eyes. I found I was holding my breath. I practically bowled over a junior. I accidentally bumped into her elbow, and her books went flying. "Hey!" she called after me.

"Sorry!" I yelled, not turning.

Maria was waiting for me when I slid into my seat in Geometry. I relinquished my white-knuckled hold on my textbook, and she gently patted myarm.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, in the softest voice I had ever heard her use.

I shrugged and somehow found a pencil and a clean sheet of paper in my backpack. "I can't stop thinking about her. I can't sleep. I feel awful."

I looked up briefly, just in time to see the flash of pity in her eyes before she hid it deep in the blue recesses.

"I still can't believe you're here today. You could have milked this for at least a couple days off."

I shook my head, and fought to keep my watering eyes on my desk. "I'm fine."

"Alex, you are not!" The bell rang shrilly.

"Besides," I whispered. "At least I have distractions here."

Isabel stepped in the room, showing an apologetic smile to the teacher.

**

Maria herded me out the door almost before the bell rang. I kept my eyes on the floor. When we were safely out in the crowds of people in the hall, Maria sighed. "There now. That wasn't so bad."

I rolled my eyes. "I think I have a bruise from where you kept poking me." I hefted my bookbag to my left shoulder and lifted my shirt just a bit. I pointed to a spot on right underneath my ribs on my side. "Right there, see?"

Maria hunched her shoulders over and gently poked my side with her index finger. "I don't see anything." She paused. "Except your abs. She patted my stomach. "Alex, have you been working out?"

I felt warmth spreading up through my face. I shoved the edge of my shirt down and readjusted my backpack. When I looked up to make a sharp retort to Maria, Isabel was there, standing right behind her. My mouth snapped shut, and I turned around as fast as I could. I bolted.

**

Maria found me on my way to the library, once the lunch bell had rung.

"Um, Alex, honey, you're going the wrong way." She stood right in front of me, blocking my path. She pointed right at my chest. "The quad is *that* way." And then she smiled sweetly.

"I... uh, I was just going to go to the library." I moved to the side, but I knew she wasn't going to let me get away. "To study. You know."

Maria shook her head negatively. She threw an arm around my waist and pulled me toward the quad. "Come on. Liz was looking for you anyway."

Liz was perched on top of one of the cement picnic tables, with her feet on the seat. Next to her sat Max, sitting normally, and munching on a sandwich while he nodded at something she was saying. Isabel was nowhere in sight.

Thank god," I muttered under my breath. Maria just squeezed my waist.

We joined Liz and Max, and Michael appeared seemingly out of thin air. Maria's hand at my side started to shake. Now it was my turn to squeeze her shoulders. She greeted the group for both of us. I tried to form a smile for them.

Liz patted the concrete next to her. She smiled gently at me. "Saved you a spot." I nodded my thanks and climbed up next to her. Maria sat behind me and leaned against my back. I was rummaging around in my brown lunch bag, when her hand appeared over my shoulder, with half an apple in it.

"Thanks," I threw over my shoulder, before biting into the red deliciousness.

"No problem." Liz patted my knee. "How are you doing, Alex?"

"Fine." I smiled for her benefit.

She just leaned into my side and offered me part of her Crunch bar. I declined it, and she passed it off to Max. Max looked at me with that serious look of his. His eyes were dark and sad.

Michael sat on the end of the table. As far away from Maria as he could get. I couldn't figure out what he was so afraid of.

A familiar voice rang out across the quad, and there she was. In all her radiance. She waved, and flashed her gorgeous smile to someone sitting off to one side. I swallowed hard, and my left leg nervously jounced up and down. Maria must have heard her too. She moved away from my back, and seconds later, her arms came around my neck from behind. She rested her chin on my right shoulder. I could feel her warm breath on my cheek. I patted her locked-together hands. "I'm fine."

"I know."

Isabel continued coming our way. My appetite disappeared, along with all the moisture from my mouth. It must have moved to my palms, because suddenly they were slick. I tore my eyes away from her, and looked desperately over at Liz. She was watching me carefully. I looked down and saw Isabel's designer shoes come into view.

"Hey, guys!" Her voice was excited. She sat down next to Max. "How was your morning?" I couldn't breathe. Maria squeezed me.

I sat in silence for ten minutes, until I couldn't stand it. The conversation was just passing over my head. I shrugged off Maria's arms, and stood up from the table. I didn't look back as Liz called out to me. Or when I heard Maria's distinctive footsteps coming after me. She caught up with me just past the doors that led inside.

"You forgot this," she said breathlessly, and shoved my backpack into my arms.

I stood for a moment, watching the ground, taking labored breaths. "I'm sorry."

She just threw both arms around me, and buried her face in my shirt. "Me too."

**

I watched Alex trot across the quad, and Maria running after him, and promised myself I would talk to him as soon as I could catch him. I didn't want this gaping wound between us. I needed as many friends as I could get.

And a bitter Alex was as good as an enemy.

** I looked for Alex in between classes. He was nowhere to be found. Then, after sixth hour, I got lucky. I spotted him walking away from me, down the hall towards where I knew his locker to be. I called out to him once. He looked back, and then began to run. I pushed through the people that seemed to be surrounding me. I couldn't get through. And he disappeared through the exit doors. He was gone.

**

My hands shook with the nervousness that was also settled in the bottom of my stomach. I felt like I was going to throw up. I tapped on the green front door. Nothing. I tapped again.

"Coming!" The voice was feminine, that much was a relief. The door opened to reveal a slender woman who looked to be in her early forties. She had eyes the same color as Alex's. Her polite smile was offered quickly.

"Hi," I said, unconsciously rubbing my sweating palms on my thighs. "I'm Isabel. Is Alex home?"

Her smile softened. She beckoned for me to follow her inside. "He's not, actually. He's at the store, getting a couple of things for me. You can wait up in his room, he shouldn't be more than a few minutes."

She pointed me upstairs and second door on the right, gave me a gentle push, and disappeared.

At the threshold to his room, I stopped. The door was open, but that didn't mean *I* was welcome. I scanned the room slowly. It was more cluttered than I had thought it would be. The venetian blinds were partially opened, allowing the late afternoon sun to fall inside. A computer hummed softly in one corner. Spread out on the desk around it, were schoolbooks and what looked like several hundred sheets of paper. Pencils and pens were strewn among the mess.

The bed was unmade. That was my undoing. Slowly I stepped into the room and over to it. The covers were thrown back, like he had been thrashing in them all night. I couldn't help but run my fingers down the hollow where his head had laid. I pulled my hand away almost before the image hit my mind. Alex, lying here in blackness, wide awake, hurt clouding his mind. The flash hurt like an electrical shock. But the lingering dull pain in my heart, that was new. I backed away from the bed.

My hip banged into a sharp corner and I cried out softly. A few papers fell to the floor from Alex's desk. I stooped to pick them up, and my eyes fell to the first page. It was a poem. Or song lyrics. I couldn't help but read it:

"You can't hide
Stars
In your eyes
From me
Dreamer in disguise

You can't mute
Emotions in
Your voice
To me
Human in disguise

I can't find
Hope
Tonight
Without you
I'm the one wearing the mask

I can't find
Anything
In your eyes
Tonight
I am
Empty, disguised"

Intrigued, I read the other pieces of Alex's heart that I held in my hands:

"Because of you
I look up
To the sky
Because of you
I can see
Brightest stars
Because of you
I can hear
Faintest whispers
Of a heart
Because of you
I am me
I look up
To you"

Stars above
Earth below
Always right where I'm supposed to be.
Are you a dream?
My fantasy.
Lost to find myself.
I'd lose myself again to find you.
Sky above
Grass below.
So confused, so afraid.
I wish I could wish it all away.
Except you and me and stars and earth.
It's all jumbled up now.
Can't find my way.
Which way is the sky?
Where is my north?
Anchored in you.
Always."

"Obsession
To see
Suffocation
To touch
Afraid
To love"

At last word, my heart dropped to my knees. I felt tears cloud my eyes and I didn't know why. I set the papers back on the desk, and my eyes fell to an object that was lying on top of a stack of blank papers.

It was a cassette tape. And it had my name on it, in big black-marker letters. I reached out and touched it with my fingertips. Just to make sure it was real. Without thinking, I picked it up.

Suddenly, the room seemed suffocating. I turned and ran, before I let myself understand why.

**

There was something very very wrong here. "Mom!"

She appeared in my doorway within seconds. "You yelled?" Her smile was genuine although her voice was slightly sarcastic.

"Did you mess with the stuff on my desk?"

I watched as the look on her face changed to from remembrance to apologetic. "I forgot to tell you... earlier one of your friends came by. She was going to wait for you but then she ran out of the house like her rear end was on fire."

I ran a hand through my hair nervously. Liz or Maria. Please say Liz or Maria. "Who was it?"

"I think she said her name was... Isabel! Yes, that's it. She was only here for ten minutes, tops."

I buried my head in my hands as I mentally assessed the damage to my lyrics pile. It was then I noticed that the tape was missing. This was very very bad.

**

All the lights were out when I got home. I parked the car and just sat for a moment. My hands were still shaking. I looked down to take off my seatbelt, and my eyes fell on the tape that sat alone on the passenger seat. I stared at it for a long minute, wondering what secrets it held. I picked it up and ran inside.

I didn't wait long enough to turn the lights on. Moonlight was streaming in my window anyway. I flipped on my stereo and slid in the cassette.

"Here we go," I whispered to myself. I pressed the Play button. And held my breath.

There was silence for a few seconds. A guitar began playing solo. It was acoustic and like nothing I had ever heard before. And then his voice.

"If I
I think about you
I know
I'm already gone
Forever
In one moment
When I
I think about you
Night isn't night
I can't stop
Starshine
Even as I
I think about you
Fall from the sky
A gift
I can't have you
Can't breathe
Can't get you
Out of my head
I...
I-I think about you"

I felt blood rush to my head and I sank to the floor.

"Got your tape and it changed my mind
Heard your voice in between the lines
Come around from another time
Where nobody ever goes..."

There was silence after the song had played. I watched as my hand reached out and pressed the Rewind button, all by itself.

The sound of that guitar... it was something I would never forget. And his voice... it sent shivers down my spine.

"And all the stars
Play for me
Say the promise you long to keep..."

I hit the Repeat button on my stereo and moved to the windowsill. I clutched my largest teddy bear in a death grip, and watched the half-moon travel across the sky. I had the volume low, and yet somehow his song filled the room until I couldn't breath. My song, I realized.

My eyes closed. I flexed my fingers and allowed my head to fall against the window. What did this mean? Was Alex really... in love with me? I hesitated even to think the words. If I believed in his lyrics, yes.

The stereo clicked and the song began playing again.

My breath caught in my throat and made my eyes water. We were only sixteen! What if he were to grow out of it? What if, once he got to know me, he stopped loving me? What if Nasedo *was* real, and here for us?

I choked on the sob that caught me by surprise. I had never cried for a boy before. Never.

**

"I can hear you sing it to me in my sleep
I can hear you sing it to me in my sleep..."

I awoke from my exhausted slumber just before my alarm went off. Alex's song - my song - had been playing in my head all night, even though I had turned it off just before bed. My sleep had been exhausting in itself. I kept waking from dreams of Alex or his voice. It was worse than being awake because I couldn't seem to block my unconscious thoughts.

And he sounded so sexy.

The thought sent me scurrying to the shower before I had to deal with it.

**

"I've been living in your cassette
It's the modern equivilant
Singing up to a Capulet
On a balcony in your mind..."

Max, amazingly, had an extracurricular activity today, so I had to drive my mom's car to school. And that meant I could listen to the tape again.

I found myself whispering the words along with him. I promised myself that today I would find him, and fix all of this mess.

But I didn't count on him skipping school.

**

I was going to be sick. Kevin, the drummer, looked about like I felt. Sam, bass guitarist, was doing last minute tuning; he seemed fine. Jimmy, keyboard guy, also seemed normal; he hummed an upbeat tune while cracking his knuckles.

I cracked the garish purple curtains and glanced out upon the gym. It was five-to-seven, and already a fair-sized crowd was milling around. Just great. Everyone was going to be here for the Valentine's Dance. If we sucked, everyone would know.

I turned back to my band and tried to think up some words of wisdom before we played our first real gig. Nothing came. So I improvised: "Don't mess up."

And the curtains opened. A sea of faces watched us expectantly. I flexed my fingers, releasing my white-knuckled hold on my guitar, and Kevin counted off the beat for our first number.

**

Alex looked really hot tonight. I blushed with that realization. He wore a tight white t-shirt, black jeans, and black boots. I hung back, near the punch bowl, hoping that I wouldn't be a distraction to him. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. Vaguely, I heard a frustrated sigh, and realized that Grace, or Maggie, or someone had been trying to talk to me. Mentally, I shrugged.

Tonight, I was going to right all of this.

**

"I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine so bright..."

She was hovering near the wall, trying to go unnoticed. Yeah, like that was possible for her. My throat went dry. I panicked. Luckily, Jimmy had placed water bottles close to all of us. I waited for the bass solo, and then gulped a few quick swallows.

**

"I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance
They're looking for a little romance
Given half a chance..."

My view of Alex was disturbed when a random junior guy stepped in front of me. He motioned to the dance floor, and I thought I heard him ask me to dance. I declined politely, and returned to watching Alex as soon as he moved out of my way.

**

"And I've never seen that dress you're wearing
Or that highlights in your hair
That catch your eyes..."

I was singing, and yet somehow I couldn't look away from her. I watched as some junior walked away from her, shaking his head, and mumbling something to himself. She was wearing a short red dress.

I felt my face burn as I remembered a night of not too long ago. I looked away from her quickly, and fought to concentrate on the music we were making. I could almost feel her blue eyes piercing me.

**

"The lady in red is dancing with me
Cheek to cheek
There's nobody here
It's just you and me
It's where I wanna be
But I hardly know this beauty by my side
I'll never forget the way you look tonight..."

I had made it through half the set. Twelve songs. Twelve more to go, but we all needed a break. I glanced at my watch, and was amazed that it had only been fifty minutes since we had started playing. I announced that the band was taking a ten minute break, and all the guys immediately joined the crowd, hopping off the stage like rabbits. I plugged in a tape and the Foo Fighter's "Learn to Fly" blasted out over the speakers.

I desperately needed something to drink. I had already drained my water bottle, and Sam's as well. So I hesitantly made my way towards the punch bowl. Isabel had disappeared, after standing there most of the evening. I breathed a sigh of relief and was reaching for the ladle, when a soft hand tapped my shoulder.

My stomach dropped to my knees, as I identified her by her perfume. I tried to find a smile, and turned to say hello.

Isabel's smile was wide and easy. "Will you dance with me?" she asked before I could force anything through my frozen lips. She didn't wait for me to answer, but took my arm and pulled me out into the gyrating crowd. Just as she was letting go of my arm, the song stopped, and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" filtered over the speaker system.

I froze. She looked up at me, silently, and reached for me. I placed my hand at her waist, automatically, and clasped her other hand in mine. She smiled gently as we started rocking to the music. I tried to breathe.

"You look really good up there."

I ducked my head, and felt heat slip up my neck and into my ears and face.

"You haven't danced to any of our songs."

I looked up in time to see the surprised look on her face before she hid it.

"I haven't had anyone to dance with."

Liar.

There was a pause. She shifted closer to me, and moved my other hand to her waist. Both her arms came around my neck. Chills crawled down my back. Her chin rested on my shoulder.

"Did you write all of the songs?" Her voice was quiet and her breath was hot on my neck.

"No."

The song was coming to a close, and I had to get back up on stage. She turned her face into my neck for the briefest moment and I would've sworn the music stopped. She edged back a little.

"I really have to talk to you. It's important."

"I have to play..."

The music stopped. So did my heartbeat. She ran her fingers across the nape of my neck, and gave me a squeeze. "I'll be waiting."

**

"I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight
I've never seen you shine so bright
you were amazing..."

We were almost through with the rest of our performance, before I began registering anything again. The dancing crowd had slowly gravitated towards the stage throughout the night. Now Isabel stood close to the stage, right in front of me. I tried to avoid staring at her, but every time I happened to glance down, she was watching me. It was unnerving.

"I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side
And when you turned to me and smiled
it took my breath away..."

One of Isabel's friends approached and forcibly pulled her attention away with a yank on her arm. She looked peeved. Isabel said something to the girl, and then turned back towards the stage and smiled at me. I swallowed hard, and missed the first line of the chorus I was singing. She propped her elbows on the edge of the platform. I winced as I missed a note, and tore my concentration back to my guitar.

What game was she playing tonight?

**

We were almost done. One more song to go. I gulped the last of my third water bottle down, and touched the mic.

"This is going to be the last song for tonight. It's dedicated to... it's dedicated to a very special person, who I can never completely get out of my head."

I paused, and closed my eyes, hoping I wasn't making the biggest mistake of my life. "To you."

I backed away from the microphone. The guys were already packing up their instruments. My fingers found the right strings. This was it. If I messed up, everyone would know it. I was playing alone.

The dancers slowed to match the pace of my song. I watched my guitar. I knew that if I looked up at her, I would lose this shred of control I still held to. And I needed it. I needed it to get through this night that was wonderful and awful at the same time. I could see her profile out of the corner of my eye.

**

He was playing my song. I felt tears rise to my throat, and I tried valiantly to swallow them, with no luck. I crossed my arms across my chest as chills raced through my body. But he wasn't singing. He was looking down at his guitar. His face was just a tinge pink. I could feel the waves of uncertainty rolling off of him. He wasn't singing.

So I mouthed the words. I knew them by heart.

And he looked up. Right into my eyes. His blue ones were shining.

**

The curtains had finally closed, and I remembered that I could breathe. I slid my guitar into its case. Then I unplugged the amps and was winding the electrical cord into a ball, when I heard the curtains swish softly. My heart started thumping before I even turned around. She stood with her hands behind her back, close to the curtains.

"Hi." I cleared my throat. "What's up?"

"Alex, I -" She bit her lip. She blinked a few times, and I noticed her cheeks were glistening under the harsh stage lights.

"What's wrong?" The words had slipped past my mouth, and I had taken two steps toward her, before I remembered that I was supposed to keep my distance. I stopped and shoved my hands in my pockets.

A soft sigh escaped her lips. She lowered her head. "Alex, I know that I - that I really messed things up, and I'm sorry."

My mouth dropped open. "Isabel-"

She held a hand up. "Here." The other hand held out a white sheet of paper. "I - just read it. Please." I saw that her hand was shaking when I took it. I focused on the words, and I was almost able to forget we were standing so close.

"The last time
I was a poet
I was for you

The last time
I tried to show it
I knew you knew

The last time
I was an angel
I was to you

The last time
I didn't know it
I wanted you

The last time
I dreamt
I was with you

The last time
I denied it
I fell for you"

I kept my eyes on the paper for a few seconds after I had finished reading it. My stomach was at my knees, and my heart was beating in my ears. "What-"

She placed a palm against my chest. I wondered idly if she could feel my heartbeat racing. Her chin tilted up by a fraction.

"It means - it means exactly what it says, Alex. If - if I haven't ruined everything, I would like another chance."

Her eyes shone up at me. "Please," she whispered.

I nodded, because I couldn't find any words. She raised up on her toes and her lips brushed mine. A million colors exploded behind my eyes as they fluttered closed. Sparks raced through my veins and I stopped breathing. She pulled back and I forced my eyes open. She was smiling through the tears that ran slowly down her cheeks. I reached up without hesitation, and rubbed them away with my thumbs.

"Okay." I found an easy smile. "Okay."