The Book Of Genesis

Genesis 1

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. ⁴ God saw that the light was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. ⁵ God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning-the first day.
⁶ And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." ⁷ So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. ⁸ God called the expanse "sky." And there was evening, and there was morning-the second day.
⁹ And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. ¹⁰ God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good.

Genesis 1 is the beginning of all things. This passage reads badly, doesn’t it? God in Gen1:2 puts himself (itself) over the waters…this implies that there is distance from the water that allows for him to be hovering over it. But in Gen1:6 he has to physically separate the waters from the waters. Of course it implies that he made land, but what of verse 7 where he separated the water under the expanse from the water above it? The expanse becomes the sky, thus this passage says that there is water above the sky? Was this some prehistoric way of explaining rain? Which is re-affirmed in Gen1:9 when it reads that the water under the sky be gathered to one place…but also notice that here is where he finally makes dry land…so in Gen1:6 what is he separating the water from, if he was already hovering above it?

Also, it is interesting to note that god acts more like a child who’s discovered the remote control, and less like an omnipotent and assumed, omniscient one as well. Example, in Gen1:4 god realizes that light is good and he separates it from the darkness…are we to assume that this is the first time that god has ever seen light? What was he doing before this and if he’s so powerful and all knowing, why would he need to see that the light is good, wouldn’t god have “known” that light was good? This whole, and god saw that it was good, is played out through the whole of the first book. It makes god look stupid and more like a puppet. In fact it helps to justify our ‘evil’ by showing that god was all nice and innocent by trusting his creation in the garden, but we failed. I will have more on that as we go.

¹⁶ God made two great lights-the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. ¹⁷ God set them in the expanse of the sky to give light on the earth, ¹⁸ to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good.

This is an interesting passage. Mostly because it shows the insanity that god would go to in order to give us the illusion of time. Gen1:16 god makes stars. Stars, as we’ve learned are huge balls of molten hydrogen, in what is known as a fusion reactor. Our sun, one of the two ‘great lights’ that god created on this day, is in fact a star, not unlike the billions and billions of stars that we see in the night sky. Now, in the bible paradigm, god made all the stars at this point. That means that he created all the light that shines from them as well. Now, our nearest neighboring star is something like 7 light years away. This means that god created the universe where that light was already visible from earth. It’s possible, in the case of our nearby stars that he did not, but most stars require hundreds, if not thousand of millions of years to reach us. This would have to mean that god purposely set up an illusion of time and space. Why would he do that? It’s troubling to think that such a child like god in the first few lines of the bible would suddenly and dangerously appear as a god with some intention that may or may not be in the interest of his creation.

²⁰ And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." ²¹ So God created the great creatures of the sea and every living and moving thing with which the water teems, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. ²²God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth."

This is the first time that life exists on the planet. Here god makes life in the waters (oceans and seas, rivers, ponds, lakes, fjords, etc.) and birds, that fly in the expanse of the sky. What’s important here is that god saw that it was good…yet again. But it’s only a few chapters later that god changes his mind about life and starts calling some of it ‘unclean’ thus making it less than good.

It should be surprising that god could find an animal unclean. After all, god should very well have created everything just the way it should have been created. He didn’t have to worry about the instructions being in Chinese. He didn’t have to worry about having extra pieces when the project was complete. He was god, all powerful, and wouldn’t it make more sense if god created life just the way he wanted it? He even goes so far as to bless them by telling them to be fruitful and increase in number. He should have said, “Increase in number, so that there will be more of you to kill in the great flood.”

²⁴ And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild animals, each according to its kind." And it was so. ²⁵ God made the wild animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds, and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds. And God saw that it was good.

This is the point where he makes land creatures, notice again, that he sees that it is good that these things were created. Implying that it all fits within his divine plan.

²⁶ Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground."

This is the verse where god stops to make us. It’s interesting to note that it was at the end of all his work that he finally gets around to creating humans. Why? Well, it is in the nature of the symbol. You notice that god said, “Let US make man in OUR image, in OUR likeness…” This means that men are not mere animals, like those he made on the fifth day. This sets us at the seat of the great god himself, by saying we are his ‘genetic children’ or facsimiles of such at least. He therefore saved the best for last. In his great plan he made us intentionally to rule over the earth, as it says in the rest of the verse.

Genesis 2

Adam and Eve
⁴ This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created.

When the Lord God made the earth and the heavens- ⁵ and no shrub of the field had yet appeared on the earth and no plant of the field had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no man to work the ground, ⁶ but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground- ⁷ the Lord God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

Here is the first contradiction. It’s subtle, and could be considered to fit into the bible, by assuming that Moses was telling the story of man from a different angle. This verse of Gen2 puts man’s creation before that of the plants. We have to assume that means that this came before the animals as well, after all what would the animals be eating? It says in Gen2:2 that there were no plants, because god had not sent rain to the earth. We must assume that this means that god had not created weather yet, being that we have rain in this time, and it is a cause of our weather system, not of some deity opening up the heavens.

⁹ And the Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground-trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

Here is where he invents food as well as two trees: One that makes us immortal and another that gives us knowledge. Now for the second contradiction of the bible: In Gen1:26 god tells us that we are to be the masters of the world, but it is not until we eat from the tree of knowledge that we gain the ability to become the masters of the earth.

¹⁵ The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. ¹⁶ And the Lord God commanded the man, "You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; ¹⁷ but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die."

Further proving the contradiction: we are to ‘work and care’ for the land, not be masters of it. This is an interesting passage; by showing that god deals in white lies. It is true that by eating of the tree of knowledge that god kicked us from the garden. But his way of telling Adam this is sort of akin to a child saying that he didn’t really fight with another kid in school. But instead claims that it was just a pushing match.

It also points out that god already knows the outcome, which really is disturbing, more on that later.

Also, note that god said we can eat of any tree in the garden except the tree of knowledge. I assume that means it would have been okay to eat from the tree of life…but it appears that we didn’t do that, instead choosing knowledge over life. Notice by saying nothing about the tree of life, it’s completely ignored, both by Adam, and by modern theists.

¹⁹ Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. ²⁰ So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field.

This is where the contradiction to Gen1 is really made prevalent. In this verse god makes all the animals after he creates Adam. If that’s not a contradiction what is?

²⁵ The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

What a stupid verse…but it sets up the fact that we’re only shameful because ‘we know it’ after eating of the tree of knowledge. More on that later.

Genesis 3

¹ Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"
² The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, ³ but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.' "
⁴ "You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. ⁵ "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

Good versus Evil. It always comes down to that. The serpent, according to Christian teachings, is the devil in disguise. They have their flocks believe that the devil hated us from the very beginning and wanted so badly to prove himself right, that he did this act. But this whole idea of good / evil, knowing / not knowing is flawed.

See appendix 1

⁶ When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. ⁷ Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
⁸ Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. ⁹ But the Lord God called to the man, "Where are you?"
¹⁰ He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."
¹¹ And he said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?"
¹² The man said, "The woman you put here with me-she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."
¹³ Then the Lord God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?"
The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

How can you be desirable of gaining wisdom without first recognizing that you are without it? Isn’t that a form of knowledge by itself? True ignorance is empty and blind to it’s own condition.

Here is where the culture that wrote the bible makes its first major mistake: by saying that nudity is wrong. We are the only creatures on the planet that clothe ourselves from others. Do we do this because we have knowledge of your bodies, or is it shame, and fear that keep us clothed?

Then Gen3:8 says god walked through the garden and like some stupid lovers stumbled onto their intrigue. He blindly asks them what they’ve been up too, which is an impossibility for a god that is both omnipresent and omniscient. Omnipresent would mean that god was there, but also that means that god was the fruit that they ate, was their teeth that bit down on the fruit, was their eyes seeing themselves naked, was their shame as they realized it. This whole passage reeks of an un-educated fool attempting to understand something as foreign to them as Theatre.

Then he passes judgment on mankind, whom he created to eat the fruit, whom he allowed to eat the fruit, whom he knew would eat the fruit:

¹⁶ To the woman he said,

"I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children.
Your desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you."

Note: that through out the bible god says that he will punish the sons for the sins of the father for two and three generations…yet, when it comes to punishing woman (who are sub creatures) this first punishment lasted forever.

¹⁷ To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,'

"Cursed is the ground because of you;
through painful toil you will eat of it
all the days of your life.
¹⁸ It will produce thorns and thistles for you,
and you will eat the plants of the field.
¹⁹ By the sweat of your brow
you will eat your food
until you return to the ground,
since from it you were taken;
for dust you are
and to dust you will return."

If you are familiar with world religions you’ll notice that this is the first time plants become the enemy and not something we are rulers over. Remember that before Christianity there were two basic forms of religions in the world: Hunter/Gather & Farming.

Farming religions believed that god (more probably a goddess) was birthing the planet a new. That the sacrifice a plant offered by allowing us to eat it was rewarded with it’s rebirth. Farming religions knew that when humans had sex they produced offspring. Herbology may not have been a science 3000 years ago, but they understood that life was sacred in some way and stealing a plant of its fruit was a form of murder, so they made offerings to the goddess in hopes that (1) they would be forgiven what they’ve done and (2) that in her mercy she’d continue to grow the crops thus allowing humans to continue. Of course, it worked, the plants kept growing. It’s also important to note that farming religions were both, based on non-nomadic culture and tended to view the earth as a deity itself, with this amazing gift of giving and rebirth.

On the other hand the Hunter/Gather cultures tended to not have much experience in farming. They tended to be farmers in places where farming was difficult if not down right impossible. They also tended to be nomadic, and didn’t have the time to stop and create farms that would require years to get right. So it’s not surprising to recognize that the culture that sprung the bible (Judaism) was nomadic and flesh eating, as we will see later. Being flesh eater offers the experience of death, because once the cow is dead, it’s gone. While farming religions are less concerned with that, because they don’t witness it.

²¹ The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. ²² And the Lord God said, "The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever." ²³ So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.

This verse doesn’t make any sense. God tells man that the land will be hard to work but he kicks him out of Eden because he doesn’t want him to live forever? Could you imagine what Eden would have been like if god had allowed him to stay?

And what’s with this ‘like’ us? Are we to assume that god and his cronies tell us that we are to be like them in Gen1 but here at the end of Gen3 we aren’t to be like them? Yet another contradiction, that’s number 3.

Genesis 4

Cain and Abel

¹ Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, "With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man." ² Later she gave birth to his brother Abel.
Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil. ³ In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord . ⁴ But Abel brought fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, ⁵ but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
⁶ Then the Lord said to Cain, "Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? ⁷ If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it."
⁸ Now Cain said to his brother Abel, "Let's go out to the field." And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.
⁹ Then the Lord said to Cain, "Where is your brother Abel?"
"I don't know," he replied. "Am I my brother's keeper?"
¹⁰ The Lord said, "What have you done? Listen! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground. ¹¹ Now you are under a curse and driven from the ground, which opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand. ¹² When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops for you. You will be a restless wanderer on the earth."
¹³ Cain said to the Lord , "My punishment is more than I can bear. 14 Today you are driving me from the land, and I will be hidden from your presence; I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me."

MURDER:#1 Oh boy. This passage basically says that Adam and Eve had two kids: Cain & Abel. Cain kills Abel because he worked the lands (which have been cursed by god) and god apparently really likes lamp chops. Notice that the distinction between farming religions and hunting/gathering religions is growing. Abel is the epoch of hunting, and Cain the ebb of farming. This makes Cain jealous and he kills his brother. His own flesh and blood. That’s how big of a gulf the Jews believe exist between farming and herding.

Also notice that god has to ask Cain what he’s done, even though less than a line later he claims that he already knows. Again after learning the truth god further curses the ground, further dividing those that farm from those that herd.

Gen4:14 says, “I will be a restless wanderer on the earth, and WHOEVER finds me will kill me.” That makes zero sense. Who else is there? Adam, Eve. His own mother and father? Sounds like this ‘first’ family is already in danger of destroying itself. Talk about bad parenting. And the funny thing is that Christians all claim that we should be more like this couple? See Chart:

Chart 1 – Genology of Genesis Chapter 4

¹⁹ Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah. ²⁰ Adah gave birth to Jabal; he was the father of those who live in tents and raise livestock. ²¹ His brother's name was Jubal; he was the father of all who play the harp and flute. ²² Zillah also had a son, Tubal-Cain, who forged all kinds of tools out of bronze and iron.

You’ve got to be kidding me! Jabal: father of those who live in tents? What kind of Greek God horse crap is this? Any minute now I expect Jibal: Father of wine and spirits. Please!

Genesis 5

Gen 5 just lists names that we are suppose to believe lead up to Noah…good luck.

Chart 2 – How Noah Supposedly came to be

Genesis 6

The Flood

¹ When men began to increase in number on the earth and daughters were born to them, ² the sons of God saw that the daughters of men were beautiful, and they married any of them they chose. ³ Then the Lord said, "My Spirit will not contend with man forever, for he is mortal; his days will be a hundred and twenty years."
⁴ The Nephilim were on the earth in those days-and also afterward-when the sons of God went to the daughters of men and had children by them. They were the heroes of old, men of renown.
⁵ The Lord saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. ⁶ The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain. ⁷ So the Lord said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth-men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air-for I am grieved that I have made them." 8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord .

Some how the math doesn’t work out. It’s about 5-7K years of life on earth before the flood and according the church 4000 years have passed after it. That’s all good and well, but how in the world could there have been that many people from just nine people? Small tribes of Indians lived on the plains of the Americas throughout most of the beginning of recorded time, but their numbers never grew to match those we see in China or Europe at the same time. How is this possible? The only probably answer is that China and Europe has a large starting pool of people which allowed for the exceptional growth to actually have some kind of effect. I know that I’m stretching here, but I’m sure that the math is wrong…I just don’t know how to explain it.

Again in Gen6:5 god has to physically see how wicked we’ve become before he starts to do anything about it. Further proving that the writers of the bible had no idea about the concept of omnipresence.

Gen6:7 is the beginning of what I call the great disaster. We humans apparently were so wicked that god decided to destroy all the birds, cats, dogs, goats, cows, elephants, chickens, sheep, roses, aspens, fir trees, tomato plants, etc. etc. ad infintium. But notice not a single thing that lives in the water is mentioned. No fish are killed. No dolphins disturbed. No whales upset. No kelp destroyed. No marine life at all upset by god. Why would this be? After all, god does everything with perfect understanding. It could not have gone with out his notice that he was destroying only part of the earth. In Gen6:13 he says that he is surely going to destroy man and the earth…is this yet another contradiction? Total up to 4.

¹⁷ I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. ¹⁸ But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark-you and your sons and your wife and your sons' wives with you. ¹⁹ You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. ²⁰ Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. ²¹ You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them."

Gen6:17 says that god, again, is going to destroy everything that has the breath of life in it. I’m sure that the Hebrew’s were familiar with fish. But I’d bet dollars to donuts that they didn’t believe that fish had the breath of life, after all they lived under water, and when offered the life giving air we humans use to survive, they not only died, but also appeared to look as if they were suffocating in it. The truth is that fish do indeed have the breathe of life within, they use the gills to pull oxygen from the water and in turn regulate that oxygen with in there bodies to keep life going, just like us. So this is just an example of the writers of the bible not having an understanding of what was around them.

Gen6:19-20 is where Noah is commanded to bring 2 of every kind of living creature. The church has been coming up with some strange theories to cover up this black hole that is Noah’s ark. One way they’ve tried is to say that the animals were proto-animals, a sort of generic animal type that once the flood was done would change into all the other animals that existed. The bible doesn’t say this, it says, “Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you…” Another stupid theory is that Noah didn’t take all the different breeds of animals, just two if it’s kind. The example that Brother Hovind uses is dogs. He says that Noah took two dogs and when the flood’s receded those two dogs became the 34 species of breed of dogs we see today. Sure, okay, that’s just nuts, but let’s entertain that for a moment.

Dogs breed yearly. Assuming that two dogs were on mount Ararat 4500 years ago, how long would it take them to ‘evolve’ into the 34 species we see today, as well as cross rivers, oceans, mountain ranges to cover the whole of the planet? 40-60 Million years. The fact is, canines belong to the Order Carnivora (includes cat, hyena, bear, weasel, seal, mongoose, civet, and dog families). If, for example, Noah had taken two dogs, what about the fox’s, and wolves? They are in fact different animals and are not dogs, yet are related to them. In fact dog remains have been uncovered that are about 10 to 15 thousand year old.

What about all the insects? Insects are specialized. Some insects don’t have typical male female relations. Some insects eat other insects. This serious specialization that insects exhibit requires that there by a special situation, so that the animal can survive. Insects make up the largest group of living things in the world. There are more than 900,000 species of insect. And those are just the one’s that we’ve identified. The beetle order alone has 250,000 species. Could you imagine the mess Noah must have had on his hands when they started showing up.

Genesis 7

¹The Lord then said to Noah, "Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation. ² Take with you seven of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and two of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate, ³ and also seven of every kind of bird, male and female, to keep their various kinds alive throughout the earth. ⁴ Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made."
⁵ And Noah did all that the Lord commanded him.

Notice that Noah is told something different about the animals he is to take with him this time: Seven of every clean kind. It’s important to note, god is now distinguishing between clean and un-clean animals. Something he did not do in the garden. Oh yeah, that’s a contradiction: 5.

⁶ Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth. ⁷ And Noah and his sons and his wife and his sons' wives entered the ark to escape the waters of the flood. ⁸ Pairs of clean and unclean animals, of birds and of all creatures that move along the ground, ⁹ male and female, came to Noah and entered the ark, as God had commanded Noah. ¹⁰ And after the seven days the floodwaters came on the earth.
¹¹ In the six hundredth year of Noah's life, on the seventeenth day of the second month-on that day all the springs of the great deep burst forth, and the floodgates of the heavens were opened. ¹² And rain fell on the earth forty days and forty nights.
¹³ On that very day Noah and his sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth, together with his wife and the wives of his three sons, entered the ark. ¹⁴ They had with them every wild animal according to its kind, all livestock according to their kinds, every creature that moves along the ground according to its kind and every bird according to its kind, everything with wings. ¹⁵ Pairs of all creatures that have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark. ¹⁶ The animals going in were male and female of every living thing, as God had commanded Noah. Then the Lord shut him in.

GENOCIDE #1. Anyone else notice that these two versus echo each other, though Gen7:8-9 says pairs of animals clean and un-clean while Gen7:14 says animals according to its kind… What’s up with that? What was Moses smoking the day he sat down to write this? It’s more proof that this supposed book by Moses was probably written by more than one person.

The rest of the chapter talks more about things with the breathe of life die…again avoiding the fact that fish and aquatic life was not disturbed at all. In fact if fish had the intelligence to recognize what was happening, they probably thought paradise had come.

²⁴ The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days.

The flood ends. “And Sir Robin’s Minstrels rejoiced. YEAH!”

²⁰ Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. ²¹ The Lord smelled the pleasing aroma and said in his heart: "Never again will I curse the ground because of man, even though every inclination of his heart is evil from childhood. And never again will I destroy all living creatures, as I have done.

So after 150 days, Noah is free to land on Mt. Ararat with his flock and he gets so excited that he kills some of the animals that he saved and offers them to god. And god thinks, “Holy, ME! That’s one F*ing great smell, I love this guy. I won’t curse them again.” If we skip forward to Revelations…oh never mind.

Genesis 8

According to Gen8:21 we are evil from birth…that’s not possible to an omnipotent / omnipresent god. We must have created this idea of evil.

Genesis 9

God's Covenant With Noah

¹ Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth. ² The fear and dread of you will fall upon all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air, upon every creature that moves along the ground, and upon all the fish of the sea; they are given into your hands. ³ Everything that lives and moves will be food for you. Just as I gave you the green plants, I now give you everything.
⁴ "But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it. ⁵ And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. I will demand an accounting from every animal. And from each man, too, I will demand an accounting for the life of his fellow man.

This verse has some strange language in it. He blesses Noah by offering him to be fruitful and he says go ahead, eat anything you see, but then he adds that we must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it. Assuming that he means physical blood, then it is impossible to eat anything that was once living. Cows are slaughtered and the majority of the blood is let from the body, but there is still blood in the tissues. It remains there until the meat is eaten. If you’ve ever seen the meat department at your local store you know that to be the case. But what about plants? Plants have fluid that circulates with in their stocks, that acts like blood in many regards. I’ve never seen anyone ‘let’ a carrot before eating. Yes, I understand that the bible says ‘meat’ but who’s to say that a carrot isn’t meat? Ask any PETA member about that.

Besides, all the cells are ‘living’ even if I’m sure the cow is dead. The cells that were the cow go on living for some time.

⁸ Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him: ⁹ "I now establish my covenant with you and with your descendants after you ¹⁰ and with every living creature that was with you-the birds, the livestock and all the wild animals, all those that came out of the ark with you-every living creature on earth. ¹¹ I establish my covenant with you: Never again will all life be cut off by the waters of a flood; never again will there be a flood to destroy the earth."

Verse 8-11 is a repeat of verses 1-3, only again, with a different tone of voice. Moses really liked to repeat himself.

²⁴ When Noah awoke from his wine and found out what his youngest son had done to him, ²⁵ he said,

"Cursed be Canaan!
The lowest of slaves
will he be to his brothers."

²⁶ He also said,

"Blessed be the Lord , the God of Shem!
May Canaan be the slave of Shem.
²⁷ May God extend the territory of Japheth;
may Japheth live in the tents of Shem,
and may Canaan be his slave."

The first prophecies of the bible…written thousands of years after the events. Typical. Besides, where does Noah get off cursing his children? He’s developed a god complex. All because god made him the custodian of all the other life on earth. How do we know that god didn’t really loved the sloth and it was because of the sloth that god had the ark made. We don’t know.

Final note on the flood:

How do we know that Noah wasn’t insane? What if he went up to Mt. Ararat because he believed that the world was going to be flooded and he figured that he should be on high ground when the flood starts. But, since he’s completely nuts, his psychosis tells him that being high will not be enough, in fact he should build a ship. A huge ship, that could carry all the world! So he starts this monster and eventual dies up on the hill with his big (unrealized) boat. Nothing godly at all there, just the ramblings of a mad man.

Genesis 10

Gen10 The Table Of Nations:

Chart 3 – The Birth Of Nations

Now the bible starts on the incredibly heavy genology that ‘supports’ it’s truth. Frankly it’s a bunch of bull. No more real than saying my family has Indian blood in it. Remember that this book, Genesis, was supposedly written by Moses, long, long after all these events took place. Also note, that only those that would ‘lead’ somewhere are really mentioned. For example, Cain was married, but to who? We see this over and over throughout these name calls.

²⁰ These are the sons of Ham by their clans and languages, in their territories and nations.

Genesis 11

The Tower of Babel

¹ Now the whole world had one language and a common speech. ² As men moved eastward, they found a plain in Shinar and settled there.
³ They said to each other, "Come, let's make bricks and bake them thoroughly." They used brick instead of stone, and tar for mortar. ⁴ Then they said, "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth."

Contradiction number 6: Gen10:20 says that Ham’s sons had their own languages in their territories and nations. The first line of Gen11:1 says that all people had one language and a common speech.

⁵ But the Lord came down to see the city and the tower that the men were building. ⁶ The Lord said, "If as one people speaking the same language they have begun to do this, then nothing they plan to do will be impossible for them. ⁷ Come, let us go down and confuse their language so they will not understand each other."

Why would god do this? Isn’t this awful similar in nature to what the Christians believe the devil is doing right this moment with dinosaur bones? Why would god be afraid or concerned with what we humans united could do? Especially since he told Noah to go forth and be fruitful and multiple…well he did, and now the his children are dangerous so how to god.

Thus far no Babylonian document has been discovered which refers clearly to the subject. Authorities like George Smith, Chad Boscawen, and Sayce believed they had discovered a reference to the Tower of Babel; but Frd. Delitzch pointed out that the translation of the precise words which determine the meaning of the text is most uncertain (Smith-Delitzsch. "Chaldaische Genesis", 1876, 120-124; Anmerk., p. 310). ¹

Regardless, the reason god wanted to stop us is unclear…and frankly you think he might have learned something from ants when you try and scatter them to the four winds. Maybe he didn’t make ants.

Need to draw the genology chart for Abram. Gen11:10-32

Genesis 12

The Call of Abram

¹ The Lord had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you.

² "I will make you into a great nation
and I will bless you;
I will make your name great,
and you will be a blessing.
³ I will bless those who bless you,
and whoever curses you I will curse;
and all peoples on earth
will be blessed through you."

⁴ So Abram left, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. ⁵ He took his wife Sarai, his nephew Lot, all the possessions they had accumulated and the people they had acquired in Haran, and they set out for the land of Canaan, and they arrived there.
⁶ Abram traveled through the land as far as the site of the great tree of Moreh at Shechem. At that time the Canaanites were in the land. ⁷ The Lord appeared to Abram and said, "To your offspring I will give this land." So he built an altar there to the Lord , who had appeared to him.
⁸ From there he went on toward the hills east of Bethel and pitched his tent, with Bethel on the west and Ai on the east. There he built an altar to the Lord and called on the name of the Lord . ⁹ Then Abram set out and continued toward the Negev.

The nuts begin to rise from the masses. This guy, Abram, has god talk to him. God tells him to leave everything and head out into the desert. What amazes me is that people actually believe this. If someone were to do that today, we’d lock him up for his own safety.

There are many myths that revolve around this idea. The hero wanders off by himself to become the beginning of something great. It’s what Yesu does as well.

Oddly, as well, is the fact that Abram, Noah, Moses, and any other supposed great jew is lost to the rest of society. Nothing outside of the religion was ever written about them. Statues where never made of them. People in other lands didn’t envy the jews. How is this possible? God’s chosen had no luck until 1948 when the British gave them Palestine and a home land. Before that, thousands of years of persecution. And those are the chosen people?

Anyway, Abram, and his chosen few, set off and god says, “hey that land will be yours, but just not now, and not really all that long, or maybe not for a long time at all, but it will be yours, I promise” And Abram is happy so he builds a few alters to worship at and keeps going.

Abram in Egypt
¹⁰ Now there was a famine in the land, and Abram went down to Egypt to live there for a while because the famine was severe. ¹¹ As he was about to enter Egypt, he said to his wife Sarai, "I know what a beautiful woman you are. ¹² When the Egyptians see you, they will say, 'This is his wife.' Then they will kill me but will let you live. ¹³ Say you are my sister, so that I will be treated well for your sake and my life will be spared because of you."
¹⁴ When Abram came to Egypt, the Egyptians saw that she was a very beautiful woman. ¹⁵ And when Pharaoh's officials saw her, they praised her to Pharaoh, and she was taken into his palace. ¹⁶ He treated Abram well for her sake, and Abram acquired sheep and cattle, male and female donkeys, menservants and maidservants, and camels.
¹⁷ But the Lord inflicted serious diseases on Pharaoh and his household because of Abram's wife Sarai. ¹⁸ So Pharaoh summoned Abram. "What have you done to me?" he said. "Why didn't you tell me she was your wife? ¹⁹ Why did you say, 'She is my sister,' so that I took her to be my wife? Now then, here is your wife. Take her and go!" ²⁰ Then Pharaoh gave orders about Abram to his men, and they sent him on his way, with his wife and everything he had.

RAPE #1. Abram, who is god’s chosen, gets scared that he will be killed when he enters Egypt because of his beautiful wife. So he lies. He lies to save his own skin. He lies in such a fashion as to give up his wife for his own life. His wife is taken into the Pharaoh’s apartment and obviously he has his way with her, which pisses god off, because, the stupid god that his is, blames Pharaoh for defiling his chosen people. And doesn’t blame Abram for his cowardice and lack of love for his wife. What we learn here is that it’s okay to sell your family off if it saves your own life. These are the morals we are told to live by? How dare they say that atheists have no morality! At least no morality is better than this insanity attributed to god.

Genesis 13

¹ So Abram went up from Egypt to the Negev, with his wife and everything he had, and Lot went with him. ² Abram had become very wealthy in livestock and in silver and gold.

This is thanks to Pharaoh, who was very nice to Abram, but was still punished by god.

⁸So Abram said to Lot, "Let's not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herdsmen and mine, for we are brothers. ⁹ Is not the whole land before you? Let's part company. If you go to the left, I'll go to the right; if you go to the right, I'll go to the left."
¹⁰ Lot looked up and saw that the whole plain of the Jordan was well watered, like the garden of the Lord , like the land of Egypt, toward Zoar. (This was before the Lord destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah.) ¹¹ So Lot chose for himself the whole plain of the Jordan and set out toward the east. The two men parted company: ¹² Abram lived in the land of Canaan, while Lot lived among the cities of the plain and pitched his tents near Sodom. ¹³ Now the men of Sodom were wicked and were sinning greatly against the Lord .
¹⁴ The Lord said to Abram after Lot had parted from him, "Lift up your eyes from where you are and look north and south, east and west. ¹⁵ All the land that you see I will give to you and your offspring forever. ¹⁶ I will make your offspring like the dust of the earth, so that if anyone could count the dust, then your offspring could be counted. ¹⁷ Go, walk through the length and breadth of the land, for I am giving it to you."
¹⁸ So Abram moved his tents and went to live near the great trees of Mamre at Hebron, where he built an altar to the Lord .

More talk about what god’s plan is.

Genesis 14

¹ At this time Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Kedorlaomer king of Elam and Tidal king of Goiim ² went to war against Bera king of Sodom, Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar). ³ All these latter kings joined forces in the Valley of Siddim (the Salt Sea). ⁴ For twelve years they had been subject to Kedorlaomer, but in the thirteenth year they rebelled.
⁵ In the fourteenth year, Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him went out and defeated the Rephaites in Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzites in Ham, the Emites in Shaveh Kiriathaim ⁶ and the Horites in the hill country of Seir, as far as El Paran near the desert. ⁷ Then they turned back and went to En Mishpat (that is, Kadesh), and they conquered the whole territory of the Amalekites, as well as the Amorites who were living in Hazazon Tamar.
⁸ Then the king of Sodom, the king of Gomorrah, the king of Admah, the king of Zeboiim and the king of Bela (that is, Zoar) marched out and drew up their battle lines in the Valley of Siddim ⁹ against Kedorlaomer king of Elam, Tidal king of Goiim, Amraphel king of Shinar and Arioch king of Ellasar-four kings against five. ¹⁰ Now the Valley of Siddim was full of tar pits, and when the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, some of the men fell into them and the rest fled to the hills. ¹¹ The four kings seized all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah and all their food; then they went away. ¹² They also carried off Abram's nephew Lot and his possessions, since he was living in Sodom.
¹³ One who had escaped came and reported this to Abram the Hebrew. Now Abram was living near the great trees of Mamre the Amorite, a brother of Eshcol and Aner, all of whom were allied with Abram. ¹⁴ When Abram heard that his relative had been taken captive, he called out the 318 trained men born in his household and went in pursuit as far as Dan. ¹⁵ During the night Abram divided his men to attack them and he routed them, pursuing them as far as Hobah, north of Damascus. ¹⁶ He recovered all the goods and brought back his relative Lot and his possessions, together with the women and the other people.
¹⁷ After Abram returned from defeating Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him, the king of Sodom came out to meet him in the Valley of Shaveh (that is, the King's Valley).
¹⁸ Then Melchizedek king of Salem brought out bread and wine. He was priest of God Most High, ¹⁹ and he blessed Abram, saying,

"Blessed be Abram by God Most High,
Creator of heaven and earth.
²⁰ And blessed be God Most High,
who delivered your enemies into your hand."

Then Abram gave him a tenth of everything.
²¹ The king of Sodom said to Abram, "Give me the people and keep the goods for yourself."
²² But Abram said to the king of Sodom, "I have raised my hand to the Lord , God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth, and have taken an oath ²³ that I will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the thong of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, 'I made Abram rich.' ²⁴ I will accept nothing but what my men have eaten and the share that belongs to the men who went with me-to Aner, Eshcol and Mamre. Let them have their share."

WAR #1. Why is the chapter even in the book? It deplicates an act of war, but then attempts to say that because some priest chants about Abram, that makes it okay in the eyes of god? Almost as if, since Abram was the chosen, that god wanted him to defeat their enemies. But what makes even less sense is in the last chapter Abram was a coward, frightened of being killed because his wife was beautiful, yet in the chapter he’s a war hero. That’s just plain stupid. And frankly, unbelievable. And then that last little part in Gen14:22-23 where he says god has told him to be generous…I guess that’s the real reason why he let Pharaoh have his wife. Notice too that he says, “so that you will never be able to say, ‘I made Abram rich’”…what kind of crap is that. If he really believed that, how come he took what Pharaoh offered in exchange for his wife. After all it was this exchange that allowed Abram to become wealthy in the first place. What a frickin’ hypocrite.

Genesis 15

God's Covenant With Abram

¹ After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision:

"Do not be afraid, Abram.
I am your shield,
your very great reward."

² But Abram said, "O Sovereign Lord , what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?" ³ And Abram said, "You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir."
⁴ Then the word of the Lord came to him: "This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir." ⁵ He took him outside and said, "Look up at the heavens and count the stars-if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be."

Abram, the betrayer of love. Abram, the hypocrite who pretends to be a giving man. Now, Abram, the child, who when approached by his father cries about what he does not have, instead of thanking god for what He’s allowed Abram to have. But, god seems to uphold his low standard of humans, and gives Abram a covenant.

So the Lord said to him, "Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon."
¹⁰ Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. ¹¹ Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.
¹² As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. ¹³ Then the Lord said to him, "Know for certain that your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own, and they will be enslaved and mistreated four hundred years. ¹⁴ But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. ¹⁵ You, however, will go to your fathers in peace and be buried at a good old age. ¹⁶ In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure."

Again, god has some human kill another living thing, just for the sport of watching it rot. And because Abram seems so skilled with a knife, god tells him about the future. Remember, that this supposed prophecy isn’t really, because the story is being told by Moses, who of course lived in Egypt at the time where the Hebrew were slaves. Nothing prophetic about hindsight.

Genesis 16

Hagar and Ishmael

1 Now Sarai, Abram's wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian maidservant named Hagar; 2 so she said to Abram, "The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my maidservant; perhaps I can build a family through her."
Abram agreed to what Sarai said. 3 So after Abram had been living in Canaan ten years, Sarai his wife took her Egyptian maidservant Hagar and gave her to her husband to be his wife. 4 He slept with Hagar, and she conceived.

In the US this sort of thing is not encouraged by the so-called Christians. That is, the act of sleeping with someone that you have not been united with under god…i.e. your wife. If Abram was truly a god fearing man, than he would have told his wife to sod off and beat her with something, but he doesn’t. My guess is that Abram, like most so called holy men, are really screwed up mentally, and don’t have the first inkling that they are doing something amoral. And, it appears that god agrees, because Hagar gets pregnant: Gen16:4. I believe that Abram slept with her because he wanted to. He lusted after her and did what he wanted. As is evident by the next passage:

⁵ Then Sarai said to Abram, "You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my servant in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me." ⁶ "Your servant is in your hands," Abram said. "Do with her whatever you think best." Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her.

Here his wife calls him to rights about what has happened. Though I’m sure Moses has the wording changed so that it appeared that it was really her own fault for the whole affair. After all, Gen16:6 says that Abram was ready to let Hagar go. How could that be? He had just cried to god that he had no offspring of his own and god ‘allows’ him to sleep with the servant. Now that she is pregnant and ready to fulfill god’s covenant Abram lets his wife do what she wants with the servant? That doesn’t make any sense.

⁷ The angel of the Lord found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. ⁸ And he said, "Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?"
"I'm running away from my mistress Sarai," she answered.
⁹ Then the angel of the Lord told her, "Go back to your mistress and submit to her." ¹⁰ The angel added, "I will so increase your descendants that they will be too numerous to count."

Why? Why would an Angel do this? Why? Okay, it looks like everyone in heaven has the power to be god, and make promises to whomever they find to their fancy. This is REALLY starting to sound like Greek Mythology. In those legends, it was often the case a human’s life was saved by their looks alone, because some god took pity on them. Then saying to the Angel, in Gen16:13 “You are the god who sees me”…so the Angel is god? God is the Angel? What about other Angels, are we to assume that god is Lucifer as well? This is one of those slippery paths that Christians say don’t exist…but here it is.

Genesis 17

The Covenant of Circumcision

¹ When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the Lord appeared to him and said, "I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless. ² I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers."
³ Abram fell facedown, and God said to him, ⁴ "As for me, this is my covenant with you: You will be the father of many nations. ⁵ No longer will you be called Abram; your name will be Abraham…

God, again, tells Abram that he is the father of the Hebrew nation and to solidify this he changes Abram’s name to Abraham (lit. Father of Many).

¹⁰ This is my covenant with you and your descendants after you, the covenant you are to keep: Every male among you shall be circumcised. ¹¹ You are to undergo circumcision, and it will be the sign of the covenant between me and you. ¹² For the generations to come every male among you who is eight days old must be circumcised, including those born in your household or bought with money from a foreigner-those who are not your offspring. ¹³ Whether born in your household or bought with your money, they must be circumcised.

You think god had to show Abraham what the hell circumcision was? “Okay, Abe, just lift up your wacky-dilla, and…that’s right, cut away all that skin, I think I’ll call that skin…foreskin, just to show you how much like your head it really is!” How the hell did Abraham convince anyone else to do this? “GOD told you to do what to my dick?” I have a feeling that circumcision was just another form of genital mutilation that was already common around the world. This is one of those solidifing points in the Hebrew religion.

In the US we’ve been doing circumcisions operations since Feb 9^th 1870 (Started in NY) Here is the case:

After he examined the patient though, Sayre concluded that "the deformity was due to paralysis and not contraction, and it was therefore necessary to restore vitality to the partially paralyzed extensor muscles, rather than to cut the apparently contracted flexors." But the cause of this paralysis was a mystery. There was no history of injury and seemed to be no other symptoms of disease. Puzzled and determined to trace the problem to its source, he finally decided to test the boy's reflexes by applying electric current to his legs. While he was doing this, the child's nurse exclaimed, "Oh, doctor! be very careful - don't touch his pee-pee - it's very sore." An examination of the patient's genitals showed that the penis was normal, except that "the glans was very small and pointed, tightly imprisoned in the contracted foreskin, and in its efforts to escape, the meatus urinarius had become as puffed out and red as in a case of severe granular urethritis." This was, according to the nurse, a chronic condition. Often the pain awaked him at night, the child's genitals having become so sensitive that even the slight friction of bedclothes caused painful erections. Pondering this information, Sayre suddenly imagined that he knew the source of the boy's problem. "As excessive venery is a fruitful source of physical prostration and nervous exhaustion, sometimes producing paralysis," he explained afterward, "I was disposed to look upon this case in the same light, and recommended circumcision as a means of relieving the irritated and imprisoned penis.’²

Also see:

The practice of male genital mutilation is far older than recorded history. Certainly, it is far older than the Biblical account of Abraham (Genesis 17). It seems to have originated in eastern Africa long before this time.

Many theories have been advanced to explain the origin of genital mutilation. One theory postulates that circumcision began as a way of "purifying" individuals and society by reducing sexuality and sexual pleasure. Human sexuality was seen as dirty or impure in some societies; hence cutting off the pleasure-producing parts was the obvious way to "purify" someone.

It is now known that the male foreskin, or prepuce, is the principal location of erogenous sensation in the human male (see Anatomy.) Removal of the prepuce substantially reduces erogenous sensation. Therefore (in the appropriate cultural context), circumcision is revealed as a sacrifice of "sinful" human enjoyment (in this earthly life), for the sake of holiness in the afterlife.³

I’ve heard this argument: “The fact that the bible shows us that circumcision is healthy, proves that the bible is accurate, because god told Abraham…” On this drivel goes. I hate to bring up the obvious again…if god is perfect, then he made us perfectly. If we need to have the skin chopped off of our willy’s for health reasons, then god made a mistake in creation…and if god can make mistakes…we’re all doomed.

¹⁴ Any uncircumcised male, who has not been circumcised in the flesh, will be cut off from his people; he has broken my covenant."

That’s an important line…because later Moses outlaws circumcision.

The rest of chapter 17 talks about god’s apparent prophecy involving Isaac, and the actual circumcision of everyone in Abraham’s household. I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall that day.

Genesis 18

The Three Visitors

¹ The Lord appeared to Abraham near the great trees of Mamre while he was sitting at the entrance to his tent in the heat of the day. ² Abraham looked up and saw three men standing nearby. When he saw them, he hurried from the entrance of his tent to meet them and bowed low to the ground.
³ He said, "If I have found favor in your eyes, my lord, do not pass your servant by. ⁴ Let a little water be brought, and then you may all wash your feet and rest under this tree. ⁵ Let me get you something to eat, so you can be refreshed and then go on your way-now that you have come to your servant."
"Very well," they answered, "do as you say."

The lord walked as a man? He sauntered up with a couple of his angel brothers and just hung out? This makes zero sense in the grand scheme of things. In the new testament he goes through this clever and quite complex, scheme of being born human, when all and all he could have just appeared?

So Abraham runs around his yard talking to all the people and having them make this meal. At the end of the meal god/man (Stranger walking by looking for a free handout) says, “Next year…I’ll, um, be back here again, yeah, that’s the ticket, and you’re wife will have that baby you’re looking for”.

¹³ Then the Lord said to Abraham, "Why did Sarah laugh and say, 'Will I really have a child, now that I am old?' ¹⁴ Is anything too hard for the Lord ? I will return to you at the appointed time next year and Sarah will have a son."
¹⁵ Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, "I did not laugh."
But he said, "Yes, you did laugh."

Why does god not address Sarah personally? Why does god who invented evil, refuses to change evil, invented the tree of knowledge, refused to change us so that we don’t eat of the tree, say that there is nothing to hard for him? He’s a liar as well…no wonder he finds the adulteress, hypocritical, cowardly Abraham interesting.

Then Abraham...walks…with god and his angels. God talks to himself (I guess) and through this inner dialog wonders if he should tell Abraham that he is going to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham, the brilliant litigator, convinces god that he should spare the city if he can find 10 righteous people. It’s too bad that Adam wasn’t that good of an arguer.

Genesis 19

Sodom and Gomorrah Destroyed

¹ The two angels arrived at Sodom in the evening, and Lot was sitting in the gateway of the city. When he saw them, he got up to meet them and bowed down with his face to the ground. ² "My lords," he said, "please turn aside to your servant's house. You can wash your feet and spend the night and then go on your way early in the morning."
"No," they answered, "we will spend the night in the square."
³ But he insisted so strongly that they did go with him and entered his house. He prepared a meal for them, baking bread without yeast, and they ate. ⁴ Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom-both young and old-surrounded the house. ⁵ They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them."

Huh? Lot recognized them as Angels? Or was he just tired of seeing strangers raped? He does say My Lords, so it might be assumed that he recognized them…why? How?

What’s with the people of the city? They have enough manners to ask politely of Lot for the Angels? Why, if they intended to rape these ‘two men’ would they give two shakes about Lot and his family.

Accordingly, does that mean that Lot and his family arrived at Sodom with the same welcome?

⁶ Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him ⁷ and said, "No, my friends. Don't do this wicked thing. ⁸ Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof."

Lot attempts to sell his own children, but is saved by the Angels, who blind everyone.

Then Lot is told to take everyone of his relations out of the city. He can’t find any. He, his wife, and daughters leave Sodom. Of course if he had found some then the number of righteous would have probably gone over ten and god would have had to spare the city. But, that wouldn’t make for an interesting story, so Lot’s potential son-in-laws just scoff him.

²⁴Then the Lord rained down burning sulfur on Sodom and Gomorrah-from the Lord out of the heavens

How do we know that’s what he did? Anyone that was watching was destroyed. Ask Lot’s wife:

²⁶ But Lot's wife looked back, and she became a pillar of salt.

²⁷ Early the next morning Abraham got up and returned to the place where he had stood before the Lord . ²⁸ He looked down toward Sodom and Gomorrah, toward all the land of the plain, and he saw dense smoke rising from the land, like smoke from a furnace.

All loving my ass.

³⁰ Lot and his two daughters left Zoar and settled in the mountains, for he was afraid to stay in Zoar. He and his two daughters lived in a cave. ³¹ One day the older daughter said to the younger, "Our father is old, and there is no man around here to lie with us, as is the custom all over the earth. ³² Let's get our father to drink wine and then lie with him and preserve our family line through our father."

Holy sh*t! Notice the insanity of this passage revolves around women. They say, “Now that we left Sodom and it’s sex all the time, I really could use some more. There is no one around to have sex with, but dear old pop…what if…um…we have sex with him…so that he can have kids?”

³³ That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.
³⁴ The next day the older daughter said to the younger, "Last night I lay with my father. Let's get him to drink wine again tonight, and you go in and lie with him so we can preserve our family line through our father." ³⁵ So they got their father to drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went and lay with him. Again he was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up.

My goodness…they not only do it once, but twice. Where the hell is your Christian morality here?

Genesis 20

Abraham and Abimelech

1 Now Abraham moved on from there into the region of the Negev and lived between Kadesh and Shur. For a while he stayed in Gerar, 2 and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, "She is my sister." Then Abimelech king of Gerar sent for Sarah and took her.
3 But God came to Abimelech in a dream one night and said to him, "You are as good as dead because of the woman you have taken; she is a married woman."

Look at this! He does it again! This guy is a creep! He has zero respect for the love of his wife. He’s worthless. I can’t believe this guy is the founder of an entire nation. What amazes me is that the jewish nation that exists today is strong and powerful. It is a real nation…to think such a people came from the likes of this loser.

⁶ Then God said to him in the dream, "Yes, I know you did this with a clear conscience, and so I have kept you from sinning against me. That is why I did not let you touch her.

God stops him from touching her? Please!! He was able to stop Abimelech from touching Sarah (who by the way may or may not worship him), but he wasn’t able to stop Eve from touching the fruit? Or keep Cain from killing Abel?

Then once more, god, threatens someone else because they have Sarah in their arms…the bastard that needs threatening is Abraham.

⁹Then Abimelech called Abraham in and said, "What have you done to us? How have I wronged you that you have brought such great guilt upon me and my kingdom? You have done things to me that should not be done." ¹⁰ And Abimelech asked Abraham, "What was your reason for doing this?"
¹¹ Abraham replied, "I said to myself, 'There is surely no fear of God in this place, and they will kill me because of my wife.' ¹² Besides, she really is my sister, the daughter of my father though not of my mother; and she became my wife.

Abraham says he’s afraid of death again…after he KNOWS that god will protect him, after he’s become some what of a leader and hero. Not to mention it shows the tendency of this religion to deal in white lies, when he says that she is his sister. It is true that she is his sister, but the reason he told Abimelech this was not because she was his sister, but because he was frightened that her beauty would kill him…that’s a lie folks.

¹⁴ Then Abimelech brought sheep and cattle and male and female slaves and gave them to Abraham, and he returned Sarah his wife to him. ¹⁵ And Abimelech said, "My land is before you; live wherever you like."
¹⁶ To Sarah he said, "I am giving your brother a thousand shekels of silver. This is to cover the offense against you before all who are with you; you are completely vindicated."

What happened to the Abraham that would not receive gifts and have it be said about him that he got rich off of others? What a hypocrite!

¹⁷ Then Abraham prayed to God, and God healed Abimelech, his wife and his slave girls so they could have children again, ¹⁸ for the Lord had closed up every womb in Abimelech's household because of Abraham's wife Sarah.

What an evil god, that would punish those who have committed no sin, but allow those that lie and hide truth to continue to profit by it.

Genesis 21

The Birth of Isaac

¹ Now the Lord was gracious to Sarah as he had said, and the Lord did for Sarah what he had promised. ² Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him. ³ Abraham gave the name Isaac to the son Sarah bore him.

Hagar and Ishmael Sent Away
⁸ The child grew and was weaned, and on the day Isaac was weaned Abraham held a great feast. ⁹ But Sarah saw that the son whom Hagar the Egyptian had borne to Abraham was mocking, ¹⁰ and she said to Abraham, "Get rid of that slave woman and her son, for that slave woman's son will never share in the inheritance with my son Isaac."
¹¹ The matter distressed Abraham greatly because it concerned his son. ¹² But God said to him, "Do not be so distressed about the boy and your maidservant. Listen to whatever Sarah tells you, because it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned. ¹³ I will make the son of the maidservant into a nation also, because he is your offspring."

More slight of hand by god. An Angel tells Hagar to return to Sarah with her son, but now that Isaac is born god tells Abraham to do what ever Sarah says about Hagar. Poor Hagar, nothing but a pawn in the great game.

The Treaty at Beersheba
²² At that time Abimelech and Phicol the commander of his forces said to Abraham, "God is with you in everything you do. ²³ Now swear to me here before God that you will not deal falsely with me or my children or my descendants. Show to me and the country where you are living as an alien the same kindness I have shown to you."
²⁴ Abraham said, "I swear it."

And of course Abraham’s word means so much!

Genesis 22

Abraham Tested

¹ Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, "Abraham!"
"Here I am," he replied.
² Then God said, "Take your son, your only son, Isaac, whom you love, and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains I will tell you about."

And of course, Abraham does this without question. He hides behind the veil of beings his wife’s brother for fear of death, he feigns piety, and now he’s willing to kill his son, with out question. So Abraham and Isaac trek off to this place with his servants.

⁵ He said to his servants, "Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you."

He continues to lie! Why does he lie to his servants? Because he knows that the servants would stop him! Again, proof that it is morally acceptable to deal in little white lies when it is to cover your own ass.

⁷ Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, "Father?"
"Yes, my son?" Abraham replied.
"The fire and wood are here," Isaac said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"
⁸ Abraham answered, "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son." And the two of them went on together.

I’m really starting to hate this bastard. He even lies to the face of his own child! But it’s okay folks, god saves the day, by telling Abraham not to do it after all. And so that Abraham doesn’t have to go back down the mountain a liar, god does provide a ram for him to kill. Then god repeats the whole I’ll make your descendants as the stars in the sky…yadda, yadda. But why? He obviously already knew this of Abraham, he told him once before. This is a stupid story, that attempts to warn us that we need to fear and trust god’s intention. Even when it involves the ultimate sacrifice. But frankly it doesn’t work in context with the rest of genesis. It makes both Abraham, and god look like idiots playing at being god…and in the process almost kills a child. In modern society reckless parents like Abraham wouldn’t be allowed to keep their children.

Genesis 23-24

Nothing interesting to note. Abraham buries Sarah in cave he bought from Ephron.

² He said to the chief servant in his household, the one in charge of all that he had, "Put your hand under my thigh. ³ I want you to swear by the Lord , the God of heaven and the God of earth, that you will not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I am living, ⁴ but will go to my country and my own relatives and get a wife for my son Isaac."

Put your hands ‘under’ my thigh? Anyway, the servant does what Abraham wants, including the thigh thing, and sets off. He stops for water and prays to god for guidance and meets Rebekah, whom he believes god has chosen. And to solidify this choice he gives her gold so that he can spend the night.

²⁶ Then the man bowed down and worshiped the Lord , ²⁷ saying, "Praise be to the Lord , the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master. As for me, the Lord has led me on the journey to the house of my master's relatives."

Duh! According to the genology, they’re all Abraham’s relatives.

³⁴ So he said, "I am Abraham's servant. ³⁵ The Lord has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, menservants and maidservants, and camels and donkeys.

That’s an out and out lie. God gave him none of this, it was his deception against more powerful men.

Interesting to note: the servant whom Abraham sent out tells Rebekah’s family the whole story. He actually tells the truth through Gen24:34-48! Better than his own master.

⁵⁴ Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank and spent the night there.
When they got up the next morning, he said, "Send me on my way to my master."
⁵⁵ But her brother and her mother replied, "Let the girl remain with us ten days or so; then you may go."
⁵⁶ But he said to them, "Do not detain me, now that the Lord has granted success to my journey. Send me on my way so I may go to my master."
⁵⁷ Then they said, "Let's call the girl and ask her about it." ⁵⁸ So they called Rebekah and asked her, "Will you go with this man?"
"I will go," she said.

I’m not Hebrew or Arabic, so this passage makes no sense to me. It sounds to me like the servant was ready to get moving, but the family wanted to hold Rebekah for a while. Why? What would be the point of such a tactic? Were they really righteous people? Or was that part of the ruse? Anyway, Rebekah says she will go and they set off.

They return, Isaac marries her in Sarah’s tent.

Genesis 25

The beginning is the Death of Abraham. He dies at 175, not to bad, and they bury him in the cave with Sarah. What’s funny is that of all the cultures in the world that lived during that time, none of their people lived that long.

The next section talks about Ishmael’s children. The only interesting note is the last line of this verse Gen25:18

¹⁸ His descendants settled in the area from Havilah to Shur, near the border of Egypt, as you go toward Asshur. And they lived in hostility toward all their brothers.

Not sure what that means that they lived in hostility toward ALL their brothers….funny, didn’t the Muslim religion start from Ishmael? And look at their hostility now…Not much ever changes. But that makes sense, because if they believe they are the decendents of Ishmael, and they’ve read this line as well as the rest of the tripe in the Koran, then of course they are hostile, because they have been raised to believe in just that.

The next section is Jacob and Esau:

²¹ Isaac prayed to the Lord on behalf of his wife, because she was barren. The Lord answered his prayer, and his wife Rebekah became pregnant. ²² The babies jostled each other within her, and she said, "Why is this happening to me?" So she went to inquire of the Lord .
²³ The Lord said to her,

"Two nations are in your womb,
and two peoples from within you will be separated;
one people will be stronger than the other,
and the older will serve the younger."

More prophecy from god…it’s starting to get old having to remind the reader that Moses was suppose to have written this book and if that is the case than these supposed prophecies were History to Moses.

²⁹ Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. ³⁰ He said to Jacob, "Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I'm famished!" (That is why he was also called Edom.)
³¹ Jacob replied, "First sell me your birthright."
³² "Look, I am about to die," Esau said. "What good is the birthright to me?"
³³ But Jacob said, "Swear to me first." So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob.
³⁴ Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left.
So Esau despised his birthright.

By the way Jacob figuratively means: he deceives. It’s interesting to note that his parents had the insight to see that he would end up deceiving those around him don’t you think. Maybe the name is intentionally figurative? Which, by the way is classic Mythology. The names of all the Greek characters meant something and were in themselves symbols, and thus part of the story telling process. Notice that every single Hebrew name that has come in the bible thus far has some kind of translation that relates the name to the story of the person. You really think that’s accidental?

In this verse, as you can see, Jacob, convinces Esau to give up his birthright for a cup of soup. That must be some serious hunger. If this works, maybe I’ll try getting someone to give me a BMW in trade for something like a cup of soup. Why didn’t Esau just beat him and take the soup? It was already stated that Esau was Isaac’s favorite. It would seem that by that state of being first born and father’s favorite, beating up your younger brother because he tries to deceive you would be okay. But remember, god likes liars.

Genesis 26

There’s a famine and Isaac heads to Abimelech king of the Philistines.

⁷ When the men of that place asked him about his wife, he said, "She is my sister," because he was afraid to say, "She is my wife." He thought, "The men of this place might kill me on account of Rebekah, because she is beautiful."
⁸ When Isaac had been there a long time, Abimelech king of the Philistines looked down from a window and saw Isaac caressing his wife Rebekah. ⁹ So Abimelech summoned Isaac and said, "She is really your wife! Why did you say, 'She is my sister'?"
Isaac answered him, "Because I thought I might lose my life on account of her."
¹⁰ Then Abimelech said, "What is this you have done to us? One of the men might well have slept with your wife, and you would have brought guilt upon us."

Here we are again! Sins of the father and all that. There is no ‘nation’ here, just some cowards that play at being powerful and when ever there is a moment where they might actually have to stand up and be men, they cower down and lie. The real man here is Abimelech.

The rest of the chapter is about water rights and how Isaac has to move all over, until god comes down and ‘saves’ him.

Also note: Abimelech comes and signs a treaty with him.

Genesis 27

Jacob Gets Isaac's Blessing

¹ When Isaac was old and his eyes were so weak that he could no longer see, he called for Esau his older son and said to him, "My son."
"Here I am," he answered.
² Isaac said, "I am now an old man and don't know the day of my death. ³ Now then, get your weapons-your quiver and bow-and go out to the open country to hunt some wild game for me. ⁴ Prepare me the kind of tasty food I like and bring it to me to eat, so that I may give you my blessing before I die."
⁵ Now Rebekah was listening as Isaac spoke to his son Esau. When Esau left for the open country to hunt game and bring it back, ⁶ Rebekah said to her son Jacob, "Look, I overheard your father say to your brother Esau, ⁷ 'Bring me some game and prepare me some tasty food to eat, so that I may give you my blessing in the presence of the Lord before I die.' ⁸ Now, my son, listen carefully and do what I tell you: ⁹ Go out to the flock and bring me two choice young goats, so I can prepare some tasty food for your father, just the way he likes it. ¹⁰ Then take it to your father to eat, so that he may give you his blessing before he dies."

Again, god loves this game of betrayal in his people. Jacob, who should be an upright, righteous man who follows god, instead says:

¹¹ Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, "But my brother Esau is a hairy man, and I'm a man with smooth skin. ¹² What if my father touches me? I would appear to be tricking him and would bring down a curse on myself rather than a blessing."

He actually says, “would appear to be tricking” as if in his mind this isn’t a trick, but a true way to behave. But it’s okay, because good old mom has a plan:

¹⁴ So he went and got them and brought them to his mother, and she prepared some tasty food, just the way his father liked it. ¹⁵ Then Rebekah took the best clothes of Esau her older son, which she had in the house, and put them on her younger son Jacob. ¹⁶ She also covered his hands and the smooth part of his neck with the goatskins.

That’s pretty tricky! I wonder if Shakespeare was taking notes?

¹⁹ Jacob said to his father, "I am Esau your firstborn. I have done as you told me. Please sit up and eat some of my game so that you may give me your blessing."
²⁰ Isaac asked his son, "How did you find it so quickly, my son?"
"The Lord your God gave me success," he replied.

Notice it’s not “The Lord YOUR god” here…must have been feeling the pinch of guilt at betraying his father.

The ruse works, Isaac gives Jacob the blessing. Then Esau comes back and they discover what has happened. Instead of resending his blessing or cursing Jacob they sort of laugh about how he was rightly named, ha ha, and Jacob gives Esau a different blessing. More proof that the god of Abraham loves a good liar.

Jacob Flees to Laban
⁴¹ Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. He said to himself, "The days of mourning for my father are near; then I will kill my brother Jacob."

And rightly so, the bastard is worthless as a brother and even less as a son. But his mommy saves his butt yet once again by telling him to run away, and offers another little white lie to Isaac:

⁴⁶ Then Rebekah said to Isaac, "I'm disgusted with living because of these Hittite women. If Jacob takes a wife from among the women of this land, from Hittite women like these, my life will not be worth living."

Genesis 28

Jacob runs away and Esau, the big dummy, thinks that because Isaac told Jacob not to marry a Canaanite that Isaac must hate them. Esau then runs off to Ishmael and marries Mahalath “in addition to the wives he already had”.

Jacob stops somewhere one night and dreams of a stairway where angels walk up and down it. He also sees god at the top, who starts right back into his speech about what he’s promised Abraham.

When Jacob wakes up he says:

²¹ so that I return safely to my father's house, then the Lord will be my God

In other, words, “Hey man, you scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours”. He also mentions this magical tenth of all he has (let the tithing begin!).

Genesis 29

Jacob makes it to his destination. He falls in love with Rachel:

¹⁵ Laban said to him, "Just because you are a relative of mine, should you work for me for nothing? Tell me what your wages should be."
¹⁶ Now Laban had two daughters; the name of the older was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. ¹⁷ Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful. ¹⁸ Jacob was in love with Rachel and said, "I'll work for you seven years in return for your younger daughter Rachel."
¹⁹ Laban said, "It's better that I give her to you than to some other man. Stay here with me." ²⁰ So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.
²¹ Then Jacob said to Laban, "Give me my wife. My time is completed, and I want to lie with her."
²² So Laban brought together all the people of the place and gave a feast. ²³ But when evening came, he took his daughter Leah and gave her to Jacob, and Jacob lay with her. ²⁴ And Laban gave his servant girl Zilpah to his daughter as her maidservant.

Yet more deception and deceit from the people of god.

²⁵ When morning came, there was Leah! So Jacob said to Laban, "What is this you have done to me? I served you for Rachel, didn't I? Why have you deceived me?"
²⁶ Laban replied, "It is not our custom here to give the younger daughter in marriage before the older one. ²⁷ Finish this daughter's bridal week; then we will give you the younger one also, in return for another seven years of work."

Oh my goodness! What deception! What trickery! 14 years taken from Jacob by a trick! Where’s god now? Why would he be hanging around to stop Pharaoh from sleeping with Sarah, but completely absent when his chosen’s son is being deceived so terribly?

²⁸ And Jacob did so. He finished the week with Leah, and then Laban gave him his daughter Rachel to be his wife. ²⁹ Laban gave his servant girl Bilhah to his daughter Rachel as her maidservant. ³⁰ Jacob lay with Rachel also, and he loved Rachel more than Leah. And he worked for Laban another seven years.

Another seven years? What an idiot. He’s not living up to his name sake now is he?

Gen 29:31-35, basically says that because Leah was not ‘loved’, he gave her lots of children. It’s funny in our society, unloved mothers tend to be called un-wed mothers and they are looked upon by Christians as infidels and frowned upon as evildoers.

Genesis 30

¹ When Rachel saw that she was not bearing Jacob any children, she became jealous of her sister. So she said to Jacob, "Give me children, or I'll die!"
² Jacob became angry with her and said, "Am I in the place of God, who has kept you from having children?"
³ Then she said, "Here is Bilhah, my maidservant. Sleep with her so that she can bear children for me and that through her I too can build a family."

More adulteress behavior. This poor girl, Bilhah, is made pregnant by Jacob:

⁵ and she became pregnant and bore him a son. ⁶ Then Rachel said, "God has vindicated me; he has listened to my plea and given me a son." Because of this she named him Dan.

Where does Rachel get the idea that god vindicated her? If god exists, he made Bilhah pregnant not Rachel, talk about megalomania. But it doesn’t stop there:

⁷Rachel's servant Bilhah conceived again and bore Jacob a second son. ⁸ Then Rachel said, "I have had a great struggle with my sister, and I have won." So she named him Naphtali.

Oh, it gets uglier, and stupid Jacob (the deceiver my ass, more like the deceived!) just plays right into it:

⁹ When Leah saw that she had stopped having children, she took her maidservant Zilpah and gave her to Jacob as a wife. ¹⁰ Leah's servant Zilpah bore Jacob a son. ¹¹ Then Leah said, "What good fortune!" So she named him Gad.
¹² Leah's servant Zilpah bore Jacob a second son. ¹³ Then Leah said, "How happy I am! The women will call me happy." So she named him Asher.

¹⁴ During wheat harvest, Reuben went out into the fields and found some mandrake plants, which he brought to his mother Leah. Rachel said to Leah, "Please give me some of your son's mandrakes."
¹⁵ But she said to her, "Wasn't it enough that you took away my husband? Will you take my son's mandrakes too?"
"Very well," Rachel said, "he can sleep with you tonight in return for your son's mandrakes."
¹⁶ So when Jacob came in from the fields that evening, Leah went out to meet him. "You must sleep with me," she said. "I have hired you with my son's mandrakes." So he slept with her that night.
¹⁷ God listened to Leah, and she became pregnant and bore Jacob a fifth son. ¹⁸ Then Leah said, "God has rewarded me for giving my maidservant to my husband." So she named him Issachar.
¹⁹ Leah conceived again and bore Jacob a sixth son. ²⁰ Then Leah said, "God has presented me with a precious gift. This time my husband will treat me with honor, because I have borne him six sons." So she named him Zebulun.
²¹ Some time later she gave birth to a daughter and named her Dinah.
²² Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her and opened her womb. ²³ She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace." ²⁴ She named him Joseph, and said, "May the Lord add to me another son."

This is purely disgraceful. Jacob is not the master of his house and isn’t that something they pretend is important in their culture? These woman use him and through oppression of those around them manipulate the situation all for what? Children. They build this evil to bring life…that’s just sick.

To add insult to injury, Rachel finally gets pregnant and instead of being joyful of this event, she’s worried that Leah has the larger family.

Jacob's Flocks Increase
²⁵ After Rachel gave birth to Joseph, Jacob said to Laban, "Send me on my way so I can go back to my own homeland. ²⁶ Give me my wives and children, for whom I have served you, and I will be on my way. You know how much work I've done for you."
²⁷ But Laban said to him, "If I have found favor in your eyes, please stay. I have learned by divination that the Lord has blessed me because of you." ²⁸ He added, "Name your wages, and I will pay them."
²⁹ Jacob said to him, "You know how I have worked for you and how your livestock has fared under my care. ³⁰ The little you had before I came has increased greatly, and the Lord has blessed you wherever I have been. But now, when may I do something for my own household?"
³¹ "What shall I give you?" he asked.
"Don't give me anything," Jacob replied. "But if you will do this one thing for me, I will go on tending your flocks and watching over them: ³² Let me go through all your flocks today and remove from them every speckled or spotted sheep, every dark-colored lamb and every spotted or speckled goat. They will be my wages. ³³ And my honesty will testify for me in the future, whenever you check on the wages you have paid me. Any goat in my possession that is not speckled or spotted, or any lamb that is not dark-colored, will be considered stolen."
³⁴ "Agreed," said Laban. "Let it be as you have said." ³⁵ That same day he removed all the male goats that were streaked or spotted, and all the speckled or spotted female goats (all that had white on them) and all the dark-colored lambs, and he placed them in the care of his sons. ³⁶ Then he put a three-day journey between himself and Jacob, while Jacob continued to tend the rest of Laban's flocks.
³⁷ Jacob, however, took fresh-cut branches from poplar, almond and plane trees and made white stripes on them by peeling the bark and exposing the white inner wood of the branches. ³⁸ Then he placed the peeled branches in all the watering troughs, so that they would be directly in front of the flocks when they came to drink. When the flocks were in heat and came to drink, ³⁹ they mated in front of the branches. And they bore young that were streaked or speckled or spotted. ⁴⁰ Jacob set apart the young of the flock by themselves, but made the rest face the streaked and dark-colored animals that belonged to Laban. Thus he made separate flocks for himself and did not put them with Laban's animals. ⁴¹ Whenever the stronger females were in heat, Jacob would place the branches in the troughs in front of the animals so they would mate near the branches, ⁴² but if the animals were weak, he would not place them there. So the weak animals went to Laban and the strong ones to Jacob. ⁴³ In this way the man grew exceedingly prosperous and came to own large flocks, and maidservants and menservants, and camels and donkeys.

I see that Jacob has suddenly returned. He uses more trickery to fool Laban out of his sheep….and of course, god smiles on him and allows him to become more prosperous. Eventually this evil will catch up with a real person, but since we’re talking about fictions people, Jacob doesn’t have to worry.

Genesis 31

Jacob Flees From Laban

1 Jacob heard that Laban's sons were saying, "Jacob has taken everything our father owned and has gained all this wealth from what belonged to our father." 2 And Jacob noticed that Laban's attitude toward him was not what it had been.

See, Laban now realizes that Jacob was playing him like a cheap guitar. But don’t worry for poor cowardly Jacob, he’s got god:

³ Then the Lord said to Jacob, "Go back to the land of your fathers and to your relatives, and I will be with you."

Verses 4-9 say that god took everything away from Laban. Again, god seems to be awful subjective about how and where he ‘helps’ us humans.

Then verses 10-13 say that god showed him how genes worked through breeding. Why does it always appear that humans are smart enough to look at the natural world and figure it out? Are we to believe that Jacob was not intelligent enough to see that a male spotted goat breed with a clean female goat and their offspring were sorted with spots? Also notice that Jacob had set up a breeding grounds by the watering hole to in fact raise more spotted and speckled animals. He was obviously aware of what was going on when they had babies.

¹⁹ When Laban had gone to shear his sheep, Rachel stole her father's household gods. ²⁰ Moreover, Jacob deceived Laban the Aramean by not telling him he was running away. ²¹ So he fled with all he had, and crossing the River, he headed for the hill country of Gilead.

Turning tail and running. The Palestine’s are masters at this strategy. And what’s this about stealing Laban’s gods? Oh, now they can defeat him because he’s unprotected!

Laban Pursues Jacob
²² On the third day Laban was told that Jacob had fled. ²³ Taking his relatives with him, he pursued Jacob for seven days and caught up with him in the hill country of Gilead. ²⁴ Then God came to Laban the Aramean in a dream at night and said to him, "Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad."
²⁵ Jacob had pitched his tent in the hill country of Gilead when Laban overtook him, and Laban and his relatives camped there too. ²⁶ Then Laban said to Jacob, "What have you done? You've deceived me, and you've carried off my daughters like captives in war. ²⁷ Why did you run off secretly and deceive me? Why didn't you tell me, so I could send you away with joy and singing to the music of tambourines and harps? ²⁸ You didn't even let me kiss my grandchildren and my daughters good-by. You have done a foolish thing. ²⁹ I have the power to harm you; but last night the God of your father said to me, 'Be careful not to say anything to Jacob, either good or bad.' ³⁰ Now you have gone off because you longed to return to your father's house. But why did you steal my gods?"
³¹ Jacob answered Laban, "I was afraid, because I thought you would take your daughters away from me by force. ³² But if you find anyone who has your gods, he shall not live. In the presence of our relatives, see for yourself whether there is anything of yours here with me; and if so, take it." Now Jacob did not know that Rachel had stolen the gods.
³³ So Laban went into Jacob's tent and into Leah's tent and into the tent of the two maidservants, but he found nothing. After he came out of Leah's tent, he entered Rachel's tent. ³⁴ Now Rachel had taken the household gods and put them inside her camel's saddle and was sitting on them. Laban searched through everything in the tent but found nothing.
³⁵ Rachel said to her father, "Don't be angry, my lord, that I cannot stand up in your presence; I'm having my period." So he searched but could not find the household gods.

More lies, more deceit. Not to mention the cowardly Jacob confessing his fear, like his father before him, and his father before him.

³⁶ Jacob was angry and took Laban to task. "What is my crime?" he asked Laban. "What sin have I committed that you hunt me down? ³⁷ Now that you have searched through all my goods, what have you found that belongs to your household? Put it here in front of your relatives and mine, and let them judge between the two of us.
³⁸ "I have been with you for twenty years now. Your sheep and goats have not miscarried, nor have I eaten rams from your flocks. ³⁹ I did not bring you animals torn by wild beasts; I bore the loss myself. And you demanded payment from me for whatever was stolen by day or night. ⁴⁰ This was my situation: The heat consumed me in the daytime and the cold at night, and sleep fled from my eyes. ⁴¹ It was like this for the twenty years I was in your household. I worked for you fourteen years for your two daughters and six years for your flocks, and you changed my wages ten times. ⁴² If the God of my father, the God of Abraham and the Fear of Isaac, had not been with me, you would surely have sent me away empty-handed. But God has seen my hardship and the toil of my hands, and last night he rebuked you."

Now that Laban found nothing of his, Jacob goes into this tirade about how he was oppressed and mistreated…blah, blah, blah. It would have been a different story if Rachel hasn’t stolen and lied to her own father. This rambling must have worked on Laban’s conscience, because after that, he and Jacob have a covenant and then part company.

Genesis 32

Jacob Prepares to Meet Esau

1 Jacob also went on his way, and the angels of God met him. 2 When Jacob saw them, he said, "This is the camp of God!" So he named that place Mahanaim.
3 Jacob sent messengers ahead of him to his brother Esau in the land of Seir, the country of Edom. 4 He instructed them: "This is what you are to say to my master Esau: 'Your servant Jacob says, I have been staying with Laban and have remained there till now. 5 I have cattle and donkeys, sheep and goats, menservants and maidservants. Now I am sending this message to my lord, that I may find favor in your eyes.' "
6 When the messengers returned to Jacob, they said, "We went to your brother Esau, and now he is coming to meet you, and four hundred men are with him."

Good! Esau deserves some retribution. But does he get it? Jacob divides his camp in two, but then rethinks the whole thing and instead decides to pacify his brother with gifts:

¹⁴ two hundred female goats and twenty male goats, two hundred ewes and twenty rams, ¹⁵ thirty female camels with their young, forty cows and ten bulls, and twenty female donkeys and ten male donkeys. ¹⁶ He put them in the care of his servants, each herd by itself, and said to his servants, "Go ahead of me, and keep some space between the herds."
¹⁷ He instructed the one in the lead: "When my brother Esau meets you and asks, 'To whom do you belong, and where are you going, and who owns all these animals in front of you?' ¹⁸ then you are to say, 'They belong to your servant Jacob. They are a gift sent to my lord Esau, and he is coming behind us.' "

That’s a whole hell of a lot of fluffing!

Jacob Wrestles With God
²² That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two maidservants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. ²³ After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. ²⁴ So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. ²⁵ When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ²⁶ Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak."
But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."
²⁷ The man asked him, "What is your name?"
"Jacob," he answered.
²⁸ Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."
²⁹ Jacob said, "Please tell me your name."
But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there.
³⁰ So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared."
³¹ The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip. ³² Therefore to this day the Israelites do not eat the tendon attached to the socket of the hip, because the socket of Jacob's hip was touched near the tendon.

This is one of those really odd passages that does not really seem to fit into context with the surrounding chapters. It says Jacob wrestled with a man until daybreak. Huh? Who was there to see this? It says that he sent everything on ahead, what was left to witness what Jacob wrestled with? Besides, god incarnate? The idea that god walks among us as a man is silly, and frankly wreaks of bad Greek Mythology…”Zeus did not kill the young Phantor, because Phantor was able to beat him a foot race”…Please!

My guess is that this verse was added later in an attempt to bridge the tradition of not eating the tendon attached to the socket of the hip.

Genesis 33

Jacob Meets Esau

¹ Jacob looked up and there was Esau, coming with his four hundred men; so he divided the children among Leah, Rachel and the two maidservants. ² He put the maidservants and their children in front, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph in the rear. ³ He himself went on ahead and bowed down to the ground seven times as he approached his brother.
⁴ But Esau ran to meet Jacob and embraced him; he threw his arms around his neck and kissed him. And they wept. ⁵ Then Esau looked up and saw the women and children. "Who are these with you?" he asked.
Jacob answered, "They are the children God has graciously given your servant."

Here we get back to our story of two brothers and it looks like Esau has forgotten what Israel has done to him. Also notice that the writer of the bible didn’t change Jacob’s name. Now known as Israel must have just been a private matter between he and god.

⁸ Esau asked, "What do you mean by all these droves I met?"
"To find favor in your eyes, my lord," he said.
⁹ But Esau said, "I already have plenty, my brother. Keep what you have for yourself."
¹⁰ "No, please!" said Jacob. "If I have found favor in your eyes, accept this gift from me. For to see your face is like seeing the face of God, now that you have received me favorably. ¹¹ Please accept the present that was brought to you, for God has been gracious to me and I have all I need." And because Jacob insisted, Esau accepted it.
¹² Then Esau said, "Let us be on our way; I'll accompany you."
¹³ But Jacob said to him, "My lord knows that the children are tender and that I must care for the ewes and cows that are nursing their young. If they are driven hard just one day, all the animals will die. ¹⁴ So let my lord go on ahead of his servant, while I move along slowly at the pace of the droves before me and that of the children, until I come to my lord in Seir."
¹⁵ Esau said, "Then let me leave some of my men with you."
"But why do that?" Jacob asked. "Just let me find favor in the eyes of my lord."
¹⁶ So that day Esau started on his way back to Seir. ¹⁷ Jacob, however, went to Succoth, where he built a place for himself and made shelters for his livestock. That is why the place is called Succoth.
¹⁸ After Jacob came from Paddan Aram, he arrived safely at the city of Shechem in Canaan and camped within sight of the city. ¹⁹ For a hundred pieces of silver, he bought from the sons of Hamor, the father of Shechem, the plot of ground where he pitched his tent. ²⁰ There he set up an altar and called it El Elohe Israel.

This whole exchange is rather interesting. Esau, who seems happy to see his lost brother, says, “Hey come along with me and we will go home”, but Israel says, “Um…well I can’t push my herds that fast”. Sounds like he’s still worried that his brother is going to do him in. Now, Esau, who may have ulterior motives after all says, “Oh, then, I’ll, um, let some of my men stay with you”. Israel quickly retorts, “No, no, there’s no need for that…I’ll be along shortly”. Which of course is a lie, because instead of going home to Seir, Israel goes to Succoth.

Genesis 34

Dinah and the Shechemites

¹ Now Dinah, the daughter Leah had borne to Jacob, went out to visit the women of the land. ² When Shechem son of Hamor the Hivite, the ruler of that area, saw her, he took her and violated her. ³ His heart was drawn to Dinah daughter of Jacob, and he loved the girl and spoke tenderly to her. ⁴ And Shechem said to his father Hamor, "Get me this girl as my wife."
⁵ When Jacob heard that his daughter Dinah had been defiled, his sons were in the fields with his livestock; so he kept quiet about it until they came home.
6 Then Shechem's father Hamor went out to talk with Jacob. ⁷ Now Jacob's sons had come in from the fields as soon as they heard what had happened. They were filled with grief and fury, because Shechem had done a disgraceful thing in Israel by lying with Jacob's daughter-a thing that should not be done.

Hey wait a minute! When Abraham lied to Pharaoh about his wife the Pharaoh and his family were inflicted with disease. When Isaac tries the same thing god steps up and says something to Abimelech. Where the hell was god this time? Is this yet another contradiction, in that it shows that god is sometimes there and some times not, and sometimes aggressive and sometimes not. I won’t list it as one, but it sure doesn’t look good for him.

¹¹ Then Shechem said to Dinah's father and brothers, "Let me find favor in your eyes, and I will give you whatever you ask. ¹² Make the price for the bride and the gift I am to bring as great as you like, and I'll pay whatever you ask me. Only give me the girl as my wife."
¹³ Because their sister Dinah had been defiled, Jacob's sons replied deceitfully as they spoke to Shechem and his father Hamor. ¹⁴ They said to them, "We can't do such a thing; we can't give our sister to a man who is not circumcised. That would be a disgrace to us. ¹⁵ We will give our consent to you on one condition only: that you become like us by circumcising all your males. ¹⁶ Then we will give you our daughters and take your daughters for ourselves. We'll settle among you and become one people with you. ¹⁷ But if you will not agree to be circumcised, we'll take our sister and go."
¹⁸ Their proposal seemed good to Hamor and his son Shechem. ¹⁹ The young man, who was the most honored of all his father's household, lost no time in doing what they said, because he was delighted with Jacob's daughter. ²⁰ So Hamor and his son Shechem went to the gate of their city to speak to their fellow townsmen. ²¹ "These men are friendly toward us," they said. "Let them live in our land and trade in it; the land has plenty of room for them. We can marry their daughters and they can marry ours. ²² But the men will consent to live with us as one people only on the condition that our males be circumcised, as they themselves are. ²³ Won't their livestock, their property and all their other animals become ours? So let us give our consent to them, and they will settle among us."
²⁴ All the men who went out of the city gate agreed with Hamor and his son Shechem, and every male in the city was circumcised.
²⁵ Three days later, while all of them were still in pain, two of Jacob's sons, Simeon and Levi, Dinah's brothers, took their swords and attacked the unsuspecting city, killing every male. ²⁶ They put Hamor and his son Shechem to the sword and took Dinah from Shechem's house and left. ²⁷ The sons of Jacob came upon the dead bodies and looted the city where their sister had been defiled. ²⁸ They seized their flocks and herds and donkeys and everything else of theirs in the city and out in the fields. ²⁹ They carried off all their wealth and all their women and children, taking as plunder everything in the houses.

Ugh! That’s ugly. Killing all the men for the crime of one of them? Why then are they so upset about what the Nazi’s did? Can you say hypocrite?

³⁰ Then Jacob said to Simeon and Levi, "You have brought trouble on me by making me a stench to the Canaanites and Perizzites, the people living in this land. We are few in number, and if they join forces against me and attack me, I and my household will be destroyed."
³¹ But they replied, "Should he have treated our sister like a prostitute?"

It’s a toss up really: how much do you need to sacrifice for one person? And, by the way, prostitutes get paid for what they do. What happened to this daughter was rape. Remember that woman don’t have any opinion or voice, so it wouldn’t have mattered if she liked the guy our not, only the act of the male was at issue.

Genesis 35

¹ Then God said to Jacob, "Go up to Bethel and settle there, and build an altar there to God, who appeared to you when you were fleeing from your brother Esau."
² So Jacob said to his household and to all who were with him, "Get rid of the foreign gods you have with you, and purify yourselves and change your clothes. ³ Then come, let us go up to Bethel, where I will build an altar to God, who answered me in the day of my distress and who has been with me wherever I have gone." ⁴ So they gave Jacob all the foreign gods they had and the rings in their ears, and Jacob buried them under the oak at Shechem. ⁵ Then they set out, and the terror of God fell upon the towns all around them so that no one pursued them.

Terror fell upon the towns? What the heck does that mean? “Hey Joe, I wouldn’t go out there today, there’s a giant Sloar roaming around out there!”, “That’s noting Tom, just yesterday a gaggle of Minataor got really drunk and started beating people up”.

⁹After Jacob returned from Paddan Aram, God appeared to him again and blessed him. ¹⁰ God said to him, "Your name is Jacob, but you will no longer be called Jacob; your name will be Israel." So he named him Israel.

Hello! He’s already been named Israel…what the hell, who wrote this? Moses, if he did, would have been able to spot the obviously problem this raises. What idiocy! Oh by the way, Israel means ‘he struggles with god’. With out the context of the passage where Israel physically wrestles with god, it sounds like Jacob was having trouble with his faith, which could be the reason that the wrestling verse was added, see appendix 2

Rachel dies in childbirth and the twelve tribes of Israel are recorded:

²³ The sons of Leah:
Reuben the firstborn of Jacob,
Simeon, Levi, Judah, Issachar and Zebulun.
²⁴ The sons of Rachel:
Joseph and Benjamin.
²⁵ The sons of Rachel's maidservant Bilhah:
Dan and Naphtali.
²⁶ The sons of Leah's maidservant Zilpah:
Gad and Asher.
These were the sons of Jacob, who were born to him in Paddan Aram.

Then at the end of this chapter Israel (who is still called Jacob) goes home in time for Isaac to die. It says nothing about how he was received when he got there.

Genesis 36

The account Esau…need a genology chart.

Nothing interesting…unless you are interesting in pre-israel monarchs.

Genesis 37

Joseph's Dreams

¹ Jacob lived in the land where his father had stayed, the land of Canaan.

2 This is the account of Jacob.

Joseph, a young man of seventeen, was tending the flocks with his brothers, the sons of Bilhah and the sons of Zilpah, his father's wives, and he brought their father a bad report about them.
3 Now Israel loved Joseph more than any of his other sons, because he had been born to him in his old age; and he made a richly ornamented robe for him. 4 When his brothers saw that their father loved him more than any of them, they hated him and could not speak a kind word to him.
5 Joseph had a dream, and when he told it to his brothers, they hated him all the more. 6 He said to them, "Listen to this dream I had: 7 We were binding sheaves of grain out in the field when suddenly my sheaf rose and stood upright, while your sheaves gathered around mine and bowed down to it."
8 His brothers said to him, "Do you intend to reign over us? Will you actually rule us?" And they hated him all the more because of his dream and what he had said.
9 Then he had another dream, and he told it to his brothers. "Listen," he said, "I had another dream, and this time the sun and moon and eleven stars were bowing down to me."
10 When he told his father as well as his brothers, his father rebuked him and said, "What is this dream you had? Will your mother and I and your brothers actually come and bow down to the ground before you?" 11 His brothers were jealous of him, but his father kept the matter in mind.

Here’s Joseph’s Amazing Technicolor Raincoat! It’s important to remember, that all of this is supposedly written after the fact. So what every prophetic power Joseph seems to have may just be good story telling.

Joseph Sold by His Brothers
¹² Now his brothers had gone to graze their father's flocks near Shechem, ¹³ and Israel said to Joseph, "As you know, your brothers are grazing the flocks near Shechem. Come, I am going to send you to them."
"Very well," he replied.
¹⁴ So he said to him, "Go and see if all is well with your brothers and with the flocks, and bring word back to me." Then he sent him off from the Valley of Hebron.
When Joseph arrived at Shechem, ¹⁵ a man found him wandering around in the fields and asked him, "What are you looking for?"
¹⁶ He replied, "I'm looking for my brothers. Can you tell me where they are grazing their flocks?"
¹⁷ "They have moved on from here," the man answered. "I heard them say, 'Let's go to Dothan.' "
So Joseph went after his brothers and found them near Dothan. ¹⁸ But they saw him in the distance, and before he reached them, they plotted to kill him.
¹⁹ "Here comes that dreamer!" they said to each other. ²⁰ "Come now, let's kill him and throw him into one of these cisterns and say that a ferocious animal devoured him. Then we'll see what comes of his dreams."
²¹ When Reuben heard this, he tried to rescue him from their hands. "Let's not take his life," he said. ²² "Don't shed any blood. Throw him into this cistern here in the desert, but don't lay a hand on him." Reuben said this to rescue him from them and take him back to his father.
²³ So when Joseph came to his brothers, they stripped him of his robe-the richly ornamented robe he was wearing- ²⁴ and they took him and threw him into the cistern. Now the cistern was empty; there was no water in it.
²⁵ As they sat down to eat their meal, they looked up and saw a caravan of Ishmaelites coming from Gilead. Their camels were loaded with spices, balm and myrrh, and they were on their way to take them down to Egypt.
²⁶ Judah said to his brothers, "What will we gain if we kill our brother and cover up his blood? ²⁷ Come, let's sell him to the Ishmaelites and not lay our hands on him; after all, he is our brother, our own flesh and blood." His brothers agreed.
²⁸ So when the Midianite merchants came by, his brothers pulled Joseph up out of the cistern and sold him for twenty shekels of silver to the Ishmaelites, who took him to Egypt.
²⁹ When Reuben returned to the cistern and saw that Joseph was not there, he tore his clothes. ³⁰ He went back to his brothers and said, "The boy isn't there! Where can I turn now?"
³¹ Then they got Joseph's robe, slaughtered a goat and dipped the robe in the blood. ³² They took the ornamented robe back to their father and said, "We found this. Examine it to see whether it is your son's robe."
³³ He recognized it and said, "It is my son's robe! Some ferocious animal has devoured him. Joseph has surely been torn to pieces."
³⁴ Then Jacob tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and mourned for his son many days. ³⁵ All his sons and daughters came to comfort him, but he refused to be comforted. "No," he said, "in mourning will I go down to the grave to my son." So his father wept for him.
³⁶ Meanwhile, the Midianites sold Joseph in Egypt to Potiphar, one of Pharaoh's officials, the captain of the guard.

Why is the whole bible based on deceit and treachery? First the brothers plot to kill him. They are tharted by Ruben, so they sell the boy. When Ruben returns, instead of saying to his father, “My brothers hated your son”, he goes right along with the plan of covering up Joseph’s disappearance. Of course, without this deception, Joseph would never have obtained the power we see later. That is really odd. It’s like saying that it is okay to be a bad person as long as you don’t get caught. Because if you don’t get caught, god must have wanted it that way, and you must be doing a greater service.

Genesis 38

Judah and Tamar

¹ At that time, Judah left his brothers and went down to stay with a man of Adullam named Hirah. ² There Judah met the daughter of a Canaanite man named Shua. He married her and lay with her; ³ she became pregnant and gave birth to a son, who was named Er. ⁴ She conceived again and gave birth to a son and named him Onan. ⁵ She gave birth to still another son and named him Shelah. It was at Kezib that she gave birth to him.
⁶ Judah got a wife for Er, his firstborn, and her name was Tamar. ⁷ But Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the Lord 's sight; so the Lord put him to death.

What ever. Put the child to death? He’s blind to other things that happen around him, but this one is somehow dangerous? That’s insulting.

⁸ Then Judah said to Onan, "Lie with your brother's wife and fulfill your duty to her as a brother-in-law to produce offspring for your brother." ⁹ But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother's wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. ¹⁰ What he did was wicked in the Lord 's sight; so he put him to death also.

It’s wrong to spill your semen, but it’s okay to sleep with someone else wife?

¹¹ Judah then said to his daughter-in-law Tamar, "Live as a widow in your father's house until my son Shelah grows up." For he thought, "He may die too, just like his brothers." So Tamar went to live in her father's house.
¹² After a long time Judah's wife, the daughter of Shua, died. When Judah had recovered from his grief, he went up to Timnah, to the men who were shearing his sheep, and his friend Hirah the Adullamite went with him.
¹³ When Tamar was told, "Your father-in-law is on his way to Timnah to shear his sheep," ¹⁴ she took off her widow's clothes, covered herself with a veil to disguise herself, and then sat down at the entrance to Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah. For she saw that, though Shelah had now grown up, she had not been given to him as his wife.
¹⁵ When Judah saw her, he thought she was a prostitute, for she had covered her face. ¹⁶ Not realizing that she was his daughter-in-law, he went over to her by the roadside and said, "Come now, let me sleep with you."
"And what will you give me to sleep with you?" she asked.
¹⁷ "I'll send you a young goat from my flock," he said.
"Will you give me something as a pledge until you send it?" she asked.
¹⁸ He said, "What pledge should I give you?"
"Your seal and its cord, and the staff in your hand," she answered. So he gave them to her and slept with her, and she became pregnant by him. ¹⁹ After she left, she took off her veil and put on her widow's clothes again.

So prostitution is okay in the eyes of the lord? Not to mention Tamar uses deceit to do it!

She then disappears for three months:

²⁴ About three months later Judah was told, "Your daughter-in-law Tamar is guilty of prostitution, and as a result she is now pregnant."
Judah said, "Bring her out and have her burned to death!"
²⁵ As she was being brought out, she sent a message to her father-in-law. "I am pregnant by the man who owns these," she said. And she added, "See if you recognize whose seal and cord and staff these are."
²⁶ Judah recognized them and said, "She is more righteous than I, since I wouldn't give her to my son Shelah." And he did not sleep with her again.

She is more righteous? Are you starting to see that the whole of that culture is corrupt? They say one thing, do another. They are nuts! I want you to notice that before Judah realized that he was the one guilty of the crime, he was ready to have her burned to death.

Genesis 39

Joseph and Potiphar's Wife

¹ Now Joseph had been taken down to Egypt. Potiphar, an Egyptian who was one of Pharaoh's officials, the captain of the guard, bought him from the Ishmaelites who had taken him there.
² The Lord was with Joseph and he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master. ³ When his master saw that the Lord was with him and that the Lord gave him success in everything he did, ⁴ Joseph found favor in his eyes and became his attendant. Potiphar put him in charge of his household, and he entrusted to his care everything he owned. ⁵ From the time he put him in charge of his household and of all that he owned, the Lord blessed the household of the Egyptian because of Joseph. The blessing of the Lord was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field.

A note about blessings. What verses like this say is that if someone is lucky in life and seems to have an easy time about becoming prosperous, then it must be the blessing of god. What about all the people that never amount to anything? Are we to assume that god has forgotten about them? Left them to their own and offered no blessing to them?

In modern Christianity they pray about everything. If they need a raise, they pray for it. If Jonnhy needs braces, they pray for it. What they don’t tell you is that even in situations were it requires them to be pit against another human being, they are praying, and thankful for gods help. What that means is that god ‘favors’ the prayer by lending a helping hand. Imagine you are a race car driver and you loose because Billy Ray prayed before his race. Is that really just and fair? Is that honest? No, it’s evil. It’s raw egoism at its ugliest. So when people say they pray for my soul, I tell them I pray for the deaths. Seems fair.

⁶ So he left in Joseph's care everything he had; with Joseph in charge, he did not concern himself with anything except the food he ate.

They make this sound like such a big deal. Slaves have always been left in charge of situations. That’s what they are there for, to take away from the tedious details of everyday life. And of course he was trusted, if he wasn’t he would have been dead.

⁷ and after a while his master's wife took notice of Joseph and said, "Come to bed with me!"
⁸ But he refused. "With me in charge," he told her, "my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. ⁹ No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?"

What is this, now someone has finally come up with the idea that sleeping with other peoples relatives is wrong? If he was really following god, he would have done it, everyone else who followed god had.

So she keeps trying, until a situation, only a movie could do better, arises where he leaves his cloak and she accuses him of trying to rape her. Joseph ends up in prison.

Might be a good idea to point out that prison is a relatively new idea…that where Joseph went was no where near as interesting as prison, and was probably lucky to survive at all.

Genesis 40

The Cupbearer and the Baker

1 Some time later, the cupbearer and the baker of the king of Egypt offended their master, the king of Egypt. 2 Pharaoh was angry with his two officials, the chief cupbearer and the chief baker, 3 and put them in custody in the house of the captain of the guard, in the same prison where Joseph was confined. 4 The captain of the guard assigned them to Joseph, and he attended them.

This has to be a lie.

Crimes against the government might bring particularly nasty forms of execution. Crossing a tax collector could get your nose or ears lopped off. Floggings entailed hundreds of blows, with assorted knife wounds thrown in.

Crime was a risky pastime in old Egypt.

Misdeeds were divided into two broad categories: civil offenses, which were of no interest to the state, and criminal offenses - — crimes against the king, which included theft from the temples and tombs and, most heinous of all, plotting the assassination of a pharaoh. ⁴

Also:

According to one Brooklyn Museum papyrus from the Middle Kingdom, a woman was incarcerated at the prison at Thebes because she fled her district to dodge the corvee service on a royal estate. Most of the concubines and lesser wives involved in the harim conspiracy against Ramesses III were convicted and had their noses and ears cut off, while others were invited to commit suicide⁵

As well as:

Punishment was almost always severe, intended as a deterrent to criminal behavior. Adulterers, escapees and the like would sometimes have their noses or ears cut-off. When death was the penalty, nobles were allowed to commit suicide, whereas others would be thrown to the crocodiles. Beatings were the most common punishment and, though the transgressors survived, they would exist in shame and could only redeem themselves by acts of bravery or some other form of valiant behavior.⁶

The fact that these three (only two actually survive the story) men survived without loosing eyes or noses or ears, or even severe beating points out that the writer of the bible didn’t know anything about the culture that he was writing about. One of the oldest sayings in literature is, “Write about what you know”.

⁸ "We both had dreams," they answered, "but there is no one to interpret them."
Then Joseph said to them, "Do not interpretations belong to God? Tell me your dreams."

Don’t interpretations belong to god…tell my your dreams. Is Joseph saying that he’s got gods ear?

⁹ So the chief cupbearer told Joseph his dream. He said to him, "In my dream I saw a vine in front of me, ¹⁰ and on the vine were three branches. As soon as it budded, it blossomed, and its clusters ripened into grapes. ¹¹ Pharaoh's cup was in my hand, and I took the grapes, squeezed them into Pharaoh's cup and put the cup in his hand."
¹² "This is what it means," Joseph said to him. "The three branches are three days. ¹³ Within three days Pharaoh will lift up your head and restore you to your position, and you will put Pharaoh's cup in his hand, just as you used to do when you were his cupbearer. ¹⁴ But when all goes well with you, remember me and show me kindness; mention me to Pharaoh and get me out of this prison. ¹⁵ For I was forcibly carried off from the land of the Hebrews, and even here I have done nothing to deserve being put in a dungeon."
¹⁶ When the chief baker saw that Joseph had given a favorable interpretation, he said to Joseph, "I too had a dream: On my head were three baskets of bread. ¹⁷ In the top basket were all kinds of baked goods for Pharaoh, but the birds were eating them out of the basket on my head."
¹⁸ "This is what it means," Joseph said. "The three baskets are three days. ¹⁹ Within three days Pharaoh will lift off your head and hang you on a tree. And the birds will eat away your flesh."
²⁰ Now the third day was Pharaoh's birthday, and he gave a feast for all his officials. He lifted up the heads of the chief cupbearer and the chief baker in the presence of his officials: ²¹ He restored the chief cupbearer to his position, so that he once again put the cup into Pharaoh's hand, ²² but he hanged the chief baker, just as Joseph had said to them in his interpretation.
²³ The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him.

All of this reeks of storytelling. Joseph first says that interpretations belong to god, but then he give them what the dreams mean anyway, basically saying, hey I am god. Then notice that everything happens in 3’s, 3 days, 3 vines , 3 baskets. And finally notice, that the cupbearer, forgot all about poor Joseph.

Also note that the Pharaoh did not have the legal authority to execute a prisoner. The writer of the bible makes it sound like the Pharaoh was a reigning monarch. This is utter fallacy. The Pharaoh was a god, who sat at the head of the Egyptian Nation. But the system had laws and rules and a structure, which by the way the Romans copied and was the reason that they were so jubilant after Egypt became part of the empire.

Genesis 41

Pharaoh dreams of healthy cows being eaten by sick cows as well as grain being eaten by dead grain. Both obvious signs that a drought and famine are coming. But he can’t figure it out and suddenly the cupbearer remembers Joseph, who the Pharaoh sends for:

¹⁴ So Pharaoh sent for Joseph, and he was quickly brought from the dungeon. When he had shaved and changed his clothes, he came before Pharaoh.
¹⁵ Pharaoh said to Joseph, "I had a dream, and no one can interpret it. But I have heard it said of you that when you hear a dream you can interpret it."
¹⁶ "I cannot do it," Joseph replied to Pharaoh, "but God will give Pharaoh the answer he desires."

I can not, but god can…okay. Ancient magic tricks work in this manner as well, we don’t think that the magic is real, how come a Pharaoh was ready to believe this?

²⁵ Then Joseph said to Pharaoh, "The dreams of Pharaoh are one and the same. God has revealed to Pharaoh what he is about to do. ²⁶ The seven good cows are seven years, and the seven good heads of grain are seven years; it is one and the same dream. ²⁷ The seven lean, ugly cows that came up afterward are seven years, and so are the seven worthless heads of grain scorched by the east wind: They are seven years of famine.
²⁸ "It is just as I said to Pharaoh: God has shown Pharaoh what he is about to do.

God has shown the Pharaoh what he is about to do? What a kind and benevolent god (that pharaoh doesn’t even believe in). This gets the goat of Pharaoh who listens to how Joseph would solve the problem that he just invented. Sort of like the vacuum sales man that upon opening your door to greet him sprinkles a hand full of dirt on your carpet. A good salesman always has the answer to a question. A great salesman knows how to create the right questions.

So Pharaoh puts Joseph in charge of Egypt and Joseph saves the day. Yeah!

Genesis 42

Joseph's Brothers Go to Egypt

¹ When Jacob learned that there was grain in Egypt, he said to his sons, "Why do you just keep looking at each other?" ² He continued, "I have heard that there is grain in Egypt. Go down there and buy some for us, so that we may live and not die."
³ Then ten of Joseph's brothers went down to buy grain from Egypt. ⁴ But Jacob did not send Benjamin, Joseph's brother, with the others, because he was afraid that harm might come to him. ⁵ So Israel's sons were among those who went to buy grain, for the famine was in the land of Canaan also.
⁶ Now Joseph was the governor of the land, the one who sold grain to all its people. So when Joseph's brothers arrived, they bowed down to him with their faces to the ground. ⁷ As soon as Joseph saw his brothers, he recognized them, but he pretended to be a stranger and spoke harshly to them. "Where do you come from?" he asked.
"From the land of Canaan," they replied, "to buy food."
⁸ Although Joseph recognized his brothers, they did not recognize him. ⁹ Then he remembered his dreams about them and said to them, "You are spies! You have come to see where our land is unprotected."
¹⁰ "No, my lord," they answered. "Your servants have come to buy food. ¹¹ We are all the sons of one man. Your servants are honest men, not spies."
¹² "No!" he said to them. "You have come to see where our land is unprotected."
¹³ But they replied, "Your servants were twelve brothers, the sons of one man, who lives in the land of Canaan. The youngest is now with our father, and one is no more."
¹⁴ Joseph said to them, "It is just as I told you: You are spies! ¹⁵ And this is how you will be tested: As surely as Pharaoh lives, you will not leave this place unless your youngest brother comes here. ¹⁶ Send one of your number to get your brother; the rest of you will be kept in prison, so that your words may be tested to see if you are telling the truth. If you are not, then as surely as Pharaoh lives, you are spies!" ¹⁷ And he put them all in custody for three days

Joseph gets even with his brothers…and by doing so, lies about his own identity. But that’s okay, little white lies are okay in the eyes of the lord, after all he deals in them as well.

²¹ They said to one another, "Surely we are being punished because of our brother. We saw how distressed he was when he pleaded with us for his life, but we would not listen; that's why this distress has come upon us."

Then they blame themselves for everything, and rightly so, too bad it took so long for them to realize it.

Upon returning home with the grain, they realize that Joseph has not taken payment for it and get scared that it is all some kind of trick (afterall a few thousand years of this behavior probably makes you jumpy) Israel doesn’t know what to do so:

³⁵ As they were emptying their sacks, there in each man's sack was his pouch of silver! When they and their father saw the money pouches, they were frightened. ³⁶ Their father Jacob said to them, "You have deprived me of my children. Joseph is no more and Simeon is no more, and now you want to take Benjamin. Everything is against me!"
³⁷ Then Reuben said to his father, "You may put both of my sons to death if I do not bring him back to you. Entrust him to my care, and I will bring him back." ³⁸ But Jacob said, "My son will not go down there with you; his brother is dead and he is the only one left. If harm comes to him on the journey you are taking, you will bring my gray head down to the grave in sorrow."

Genesis 43

The Second Journey to Egypt

¹ Now the famine was still severe in the land. ² So when they had eaten all the grain they had brought from Egypt, their father said to them, "Go back and buy us a little more food."
³ But Judah said to him, "The man warned us solemnly, 'You will not see my face again unless your brother is with you.' ⁴ If you will send our brother along with us, we will go down and buy food for you. ⁵ But if you will not send him, we will not go down, because the man said to us, 'You will not see my face again unless your brother is with you.' "
⁶ Israel asked, "Why did you bring this trouble on me by telling the man you had another brother?"

In other words, Why did you tell the truth? You could have lied, as is our custom.

The rest of this chapter is how the sons return to Egypt and fufill the prophecy Joseph was suppose to have made, by bowing down to him. Near the end of this chapter it says:

³² They served him by himself, the brothers by themselves, and the Egyptians who ate with him by themselves, because Egyptians could not eat with Hebrews, for that is detestable to Egyptians.

That’s odd, don’t you think. It’s segregation and discrimination…which did exist, but don’t you think it odd that if the Egyptians didn’t like the Hebrew, why would Joseph ever get any real power? We don’t have to look to far back in American History to recognize that though we no longer have slavery, we still don’t have a black president, or a women vice president.

Genesis 44

Joseph sends them on their way, but puts his own silver cup in Benjmans bag. Then has is servant stop them and search the bags, saying, “Who ever has the cup will become my slave”…when they find that Benjiman has the cup they all return to Joseph’s house.

Judah tells Joseph the whole story, which is written out again for us to read. He ends the chapter by sayings take him as a slave instead so that he can send Benjiman home.

Genesis 45

Joseph Makes Himself Known

¹ Then Joseph could no longer control himself before all his attendants, and he cried out, "Have everyone leave my presence!" So there was no one with Joseph when he made himself known to his brothers. ² And he wept so loudly that the Egyptians heard him, and Pharaoh's household heard about it.
³ Joseph said to his brothers, "I am Joseph! Is my father still living?" But his brothers were not able to answer him, because they were terrified at his presence.
⁴ Then Joseph said to his brothers, "Come close to me." When they had done so, he said, "I am your brother Joseph, the one you sold into Egypt! ⁵ And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you.

See, if bad things happen it’s not because they just happened but because they are part of a larger plan. Remember that the next time you are arrested for drunk driving.

Joseph rambles about god’s great plan for a while and then sends them on their way. Israel is elated to find his son still alive and:

²⁸ And Israel said, "I'm convinced! My son Joseph is still alive. I will go and see him before I die."

Genesis 46

Israel goes to Egypt and god again, appears to tell him that he will be a great nation. It also lists a whole bunch of names.

Joseph meets Israel (Jacob) and they cry. Joseph tells them that he will go and talk with Pharaoh to see what he can do about having them live with him….but wait a minute, didn’t god promise them the land that they were living on? Why would they leave their promised land? This is really just an attempt by Moses to piecemeal the whole events together. Terribly done from a dramatic point that’s for sure.

Genesis 47

So the Tribe of Israel settles on Egypt but the famine gets worse and they are forced to sell everything to survive. And who do they sell it too:

²⁰ So Joseph bought all the land in Egypt for Pharaoh. The Egyptians, one and all, sold their fields, because the famine was too severe for them. The land became Pharaoh's, ²¹ and Joseph reduced the people to servitude, from one end of Egypt to the other.

²³ Joseph said to the people, "Now that I have bought you and your land today for Pharaoh, here is seed for you so you can plant the ground. ²⁴ But when the crop comes in, give a fifth of it to Pharaoh. The other four-fifths you may keep as seed for the fields and as food for yourselves and your households and your children."
²⁵ "You have saved our lives," they said. "May we find favor in the eyes of our lord; we will be in bondage to Pharaoh."

Genesis 48

In Gen48 we see sort of another example of sins of the father…Joseph takes his boys to see his father. Israel offers a blessing, but to the younger of the two:

¹⁷ When Joseph saw his father placing his right hand on Ephraim's head he was displeased; so he took hold of his father's hand to move it from Ephraim's head to Manasseh's head. ¹⁸ Joseph said to him, "No, my father, this one is the firstborn; put your right hand on his head."
¹⁹ But his father refused and said, "I know, my son, I know. He too will become a people, and he too will become great. Nevertheless, his younger brother will be greater than he, and his descendants will become a group of nations."

This passage says that he took the land by force:

²¹ Then Israel said to Joseph, "I am about to die, but God will be with you and take you back to the land of your fathers. ²² And to you, as one who is over your brothers, I give the ridge of land I took from the Amorites with my sword and my bow."

But that is not the case. In fact the only time there is a battle Gen34;25, but Israel isn’t even present. The truth is he ran away once he found out what his children had done. He forcefully took nothing from anyone.

Genesis 49

Like any good novel, the writer of the bible realizes he is about to come to end of is tale, but he has so much information to still wrap up. Chapter 49 is that attempt, but filling it with all the cast:

What’s interesting to note is that the writer was saying something about each of the 12 tribes:

³ "Reuben, you are my firstborn,
my might, the first sign of my strength,
excelling in honor, excelling in power.
⁴ Turbulent as the waters, you will no longer excel,
for you went up onto your father's bed,
onto my couch and defiled it.

⁵ "Simeon and Levi are brothers-
their swords are weapons of violence.
⁶ Let me not enter their council,
let me not join their assembly,
for they have killed men in their anger
and hamstrung oxen as they pleased.
⁷ Cursed be their anger, so fierce,
and their fury, so cruel!
I will scatter them in Jacob
and disperse them in Israel.

⁸ "Judah, your brothers will praise you;
your hand will be on the neck of your enemies;
your father's sons will bow down to you.
⁹ You are a lion's cub, O Judah;
you return from the prey, my son.
Like a lion he crouches and lies down,
like a lioness-who dares to rouse him?
¹⁰ The scepter will not depart from Judah,
nor the ruler's staff from between his feet,
until he comes to whom it belongs
and the obedience of the nations is his.
¹¹ He will tether his donkey to a vine,
his colt to the choicest branch;
he will wash his garments in wine,
his robes in the blood of grapes.
¹² His eyes will be darker than wine,
his teeth whiter than milk.

¹³ "Zebulun will live by the seashore
and become a haven for ships;
his border will extend toward Sidon.

¹⁴ "Issachar is a rawboned donkey
lying down between two saddlebags.
¹⁵ When he sees how good is his resting place
and how pleasant is his land,
he will bend his shoulder to the burden
and submit to forced labor.

¹⁶ "Dan will provide justice for his people
as one of the tribes of Israel.
¹⁷ Dan will be a serpent by the roadside,
a viper along the path,
that bites the horse's heels
so that its rider tumbles backward.

¹⁸ "I look for your deliverance, O Lord .

¹⁹ "Gad will be attacked by a band of raiders,
but he will attack them at their heels.

²⁰ "Asher's food will be rich;
he will provide delicacies fit for a king.

²¹ "Naphtali is a doe set free
that bears beautiful fawns.

²² "Joseph is a fruitful vine,
a fruitful vine near a spring,
whose branches climb over a wall.
²³ With bitterness archers attacked him;
they shot at him with hostility.
²⁴ But his bow remained steady,
his strong arms stayed limber,
because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob,
because of the Shepherd, the Rock of Israel,
²⁵ because of your father's God, who helps you,
because of the Almighty, who blesses you
with blessings of the heavens above,
blessings of the deep that lies below,
blessings of the breast and womb.
²⁶ Your father's blessings are greater
than the blessings of the ancient mountains,
than the bounty of the age-old hills.
Let all these rest on the head of Joseph,
on the brow of the prince among his brothers.

²⁷ "Benjamin is a ravenous wolf;
in the morning he devours the prey,
in the evening he divides the plunder."

²⁸ All these are the twelve tribes of Israel, and this is what their father said to them when he blessed them, giving each the blessing appropriate to him.

This reminds of something. They were in Egypt correct? What tribe of Noah were the Egyptians? Remember that god has already destroyed everyone, so that must mean that the Egyptians are relations of Noah, and therefore Hebrew as well, right?

Genesis 50

The final book in Genesis. Jacob dies at the end of Gen49 and here we have Joseph has his pop embalmed, and it says the even the Egyptians mourned for seventy days.

His brothers, fearing for their own safety say something that might just be another lie, being that the bible is full of redundant speech, but this is the first time we here:

¹⁵ When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?" ¹⁶ So they sent word to Joseph, saying, "Your father left these instructions before he died: ¹⁷ 'This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.' Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father." When their message came to him, Joseph wept.

Regardless if it is, it works and they live happily ever after…oh wait, Joseph sold everyone in to slavery, so they have all that still to over come. But that’s okay, because it’s all part of god’s plan.

Joseph dies at the end of this chapter. What a fitting end.

SINS AND CRIMES OF GENESIS:

MURDERS:

Cain kills Abel

Lot’s Wife (for looking back)

Er (Just because)

Onan (for spilling his semen)

GENOCIDE:

The Flood (by god)

Sodom & Gomorrah (by god)

the Shechemites (by Israel’s children)

RAPE / INFIDELITY:

Abram gives his wife to Pharaoh.

Abram takes his wife’s servant, Hagar, to bed.

Lot attempts to have his daughters raped in Sodom.

Lot’s Daughters get him drunk and rape him.

Abraham give his wife to Abimelech

Isaac attempts to give his wife to Abimelech

Rachel gives Jacob her maidservant

Leah gives Jacob her maidservant

Judah give Onan to Tamar (Er’s wife)

Judah sleeps with Tamar thinking her a prostitute

WAR

Abram Save Lot.

Number of running contradictions: 6