The Jokes Page

This is just a pageful of jokes which will be updated whenever I feel like it, new ones at the top. If you have a joke that's up to scratch, email it to me! Thanks to Andy Higgs and Robin Inches for some of them.

1. All the rules have an equal importance level and shall henceforth be categorised according to type and relevance to each other
2. When men do something, they do it properly (hence rule 1).
4. If it itches, it will be scratched.
5. Columbus did not need to ask for directions and neither do we.
6. Subtle hints do not work. Neither do strong implications or obvious plants. Whatever it is, just say it.
7. Anything we said six months ago is forgotten. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
8. If you think you're fat, we will tell you you are not. This is unrelated to whether or not you are fat.
9. Whenever possible, say what you want to say during commercials.
10. Men see in 16 colours, like computers. Peach is a fruit, so is Plum. We have no idea what Mauve is.
11. When we have to go out, it looks fine. Really. You have to make your own decisions because we have no fashion sense.
12. No I do not want to go shopping.
13. Don't ask what we're thinking about unless you want to be disappointed.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to every question.
15. There are 16 rules.
16. Rule 15 applies until we think of another rule.

Essex: Ibeefa
English: Balearic holiday island.

Essex: caught a panda
English: A large hamburger.

Essex: Furrock
English: The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre.

Essex: Saffend
English: Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world.

Essex: oi oi!
English: Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs.

Essex: up tan
English: The city of London.

Essex: webbats
English:Querying the location, something or someone is. "Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on.

Essex: reband
English: The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover.E.g"I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig".

Essex: Branna
English: More brown than on a previous occasion. "Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?".

Essex: dan in the maff
English: Unhappy. "Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the maff".

Essex: alma chizzit
English: A request to find the cost of an item.

Essex: awss
English: A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost. "That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day".

Essex: Garrij
English: A building where a car is kept or repaired. Trace: "Oi,Darren,I fink the mota needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper".

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
English: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
English: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
English: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos with no idea what's what.

Haynes: Pry...
English: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
English: Go and buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
English: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Prepare to start getting cross when it doesn't come off...

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Carefully......
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant.......
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Granny could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Mini's are easy to maintain right... right?

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: Don't you dare. Has it ever worked before?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: The garage would write it off, so what makes you think you can do it?

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Forget it.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: It's about now you start wishing you made a note of what order these bits came off in.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off the little buggers

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to do.

Whenever there was an important job to be done, Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody actually did it.

When Nobody did it, Somebody got angry because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Somebody would do it, but Nobody realised that Anybody could do it.

Consequently Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done in the first place.

A British man has been arrested at an American airport with a pocket calculator and a school textbook in his posession. The man freely admitted training Al Gebra students and was promptly charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

President Bush issued the following statement: "These Al Gebra people have infiltrated schools and colleges. They teach that there are three sides to every triangle, not realising the only true constant is the 'Murrican way. They seek solutions by means and extremes. They refer to "unknowns", go off on tangents and use secret codes like "x" and "y" to form an axis of "e" values. We are particularly worried about the range of these equations. These people have coordinates everywhere, use Arabic numerals and foreign phrases like quad erat demonstrandum. Some even have beards - what more proof could you need?"

British Prime Minister, Tony Blair added: "Look. George is a brilliant guy. His sums always add up (especially in Florida). We've produced a dossier proving that weapons of maths instruction have the potential to decimal everything on a huge scalene. We are also worried about the potential range of the maths and their ability to launch investigations within 45 minites, although we reserve the right to change our minds on that. Anyway, the sines are that Al Gebra will continue to multiply if we don't root it out. We must become exponents of a higher power known as 'America'."

"Sounds like you have Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk, while you keep enough for your needs.

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything, then changes its mind on the issue and launches an investigation into who didn't do anything and why.

EU DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. You keep them and also steal your neighbours' cows. Meanwhile your neighbours try to kill you and take your cows.

ENRON CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You then go bust as the market in imaginary cows collapses.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

LIBERAL DEMOCRAT DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

German manufacturer Volkswagen yesterday dismissed claims concerning the new Golf GTi by stating that it has a one horsepower advantage over it's predecessors. Speaking to fend off claims by the assembled indignant Germans that the new car not only looks exactly the same as the previous model but is significantly slower, Heinz Beanz, the designer behind the car, said: "Volkswagens policy is not to persure the speed avenue, but rather to see how many letters and symbols we can put after the engine's complicated management system". He continued: "In Fact, the new GTi enjoys 176bhp, which is a single horsepower more than the original Golf GTi, built in 1978 by a group of Croation monkeys". He failed to mention however that compared to the new GTi the old Golf is faster in both acceleration and top speed, handles better, looks better and does not feature automated cupholders which only come out when it's lunchtime. Earlier in the week Beanz also revealed the new Golf's dual air conditioning system, which allows the driver, passenger, and rear areas of the car to be kept at different temperatures simultaneously. Again however, he failed to explain why the fuck anyone would want to do that.
     
The New Golf GTi                                   A Horse Yesterday

  1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. For some reason you would simply accept this as normal.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would stop working for no reason, and you would have to restart and drive on.
  4. Occasionally, executing a manouver would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
  6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
  7. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  8. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
  9. Everytime they introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  10. All car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of road maps even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
  11. Everyone would have to use Microsoft fuel and Microsoft oil/brake fluid, even though other products were much better.
  12. People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car makers for years!
  13. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. Car 98), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "£165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you £25,000 that my testi cles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over agin and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the £25,000 bet made the day before.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him £100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

I am having trouble with my software. 18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 98 from DrinkingMates 3.1, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 98 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, GirlFriend 98 is incompatible with several Other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.2, Football NT, and Playboy 95. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper ME, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 98 and Girlfriend ME at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 2000, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife XP.

While Wife XP tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife XP could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife XP's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife XP also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop'03 and WhingeXP. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife XP needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShopBrowser for new attachments and HairstyleExpress which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife XP also spawns unwelcome child'04 processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife XP attaches itself to my Car98 hard drive, it often crashes. Wife XP also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife XP detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Any ideas?