I think far too much.
No, really, I do.
I find it sad and strange that people act the way they do and don't think there are ever going to be any major repercussions to their actions.
They really think if they want something bad enough, it will just happen. That is so sad. Especially for the pagans I know who complain about things and don't even see when they are being given what they asked for, because it didn't come exactly the way they'd wanted it to.
I know many people who do not believe in the concept of a personal deity. I know many people who do not even believe in the concept of a soul. My ex is one. I have found it is much easier for these people to run, because they do not feel any kind of a spiritual morality to keep them where they are, or to at least follow through on their word. Very nasty stuff. Especially for those of us who know that karma is very much an important rule of the world, whether we call it that or not doesn't matter. We see that it's true that "What goes around, comes around" etc.
I do have a question. Why don't people give you a chance? They have so little faith in other people that they don't even realize that they are losing something potentially wonderful because they have too much fear inside of them. Fear or hurt or anger or something.
I got dumped two weeks ago. This is where all these questions stem from.
I know what you're thinking "She met a boy and dissapeared? Oh, that's so nice" Well, yeah, that's exactly what happened. I didn't want to jinx the whole operation by gushing about how wonderful he was to the entire internet world. I may as well paint a target on my head and run around on a firing range. All my free time was spent writing to him, reading books he'd sent me, writing about him, the whole nine yards. He was my world. The sweetest golden boy you'd ever want to see. So beautiful it (on occasion) made me cry. The boy you *know* can never be yours forever, so you spend every day believing it's the most special love the world has ever known.
And it was good. It was fast, furious, beautiful, amazing, and everything else a good romance should be. He was young, had dreams and goals and aspirations...oh, he was amazing. I had an inkling something was wrong, but I don't press issues like that. I speak "man" and know that if a man wants you to know something, he'll tell you, or at least hint at it so you'll know to ask. He was so young, though, so you never can tell what they're thinking at that age.
Then, after a fabulous vacation where I enjoyed myself immensely and did some great touristy stuff ... he was gone. Don't get me wrong, he didn't call me the night I got home and called, but he did go. One week later. To the day. One week to enjoy my bliss, living on borrowed time and not even knowing it. Sensing something was disasterously wrong, but at the same time hoping that if I ignored it, it would just...go....away. It doesn't tho. It never, ever just goes away. Which is a shame, because the boy was like a drug, and it would have been nice to tap that vein until it collapsed upon itself and I found myself no longer on this earth.
Other times, you have to go to rehab, and just hope it doesn't take too long to go through the withdrawl symptoms and get that drug out of your veins. I think I managed a record. For being as freakily in love as I was, I was completely prepared to move on with my life in (drum roll, if you please) 6 days. The last few of the 6 were because all the promises of "yes I'll be your friend" and "I'll write you back if you email me" were obviously not true.
Which scares me, because is his ego so large he thinks I'm going to chase him for the rest of his life. Sure I loved him, but my goodness, he dumped me for goodness sake. I'll beg once, but I'm not going to continue to. I don't know what's going on with him, or with any facet of his life, but he really did a number on my life. He was simultaneously talking about engagement rings with me and not telling his friends he was planning on doing anything. He lied. To everyone. He still hasn't told any of his friends (except the one who is a few beers short of a six-pack, if ya know what I mean) that he broke up with me.
One of them has this web address. If you read this hon, it was really nice meeting you, and I'm sorry I glossed over it and lied by omission last time I talked to you. If you want to talk to Manda her email address is here and I know she'd love to hear from you. Please don't tell anyone about this. I'm wondering how long it will actually be before he has the guts to admit what he did out loud. Maybe he'll just hope I go away.
That is the most disrespectful thing I think anyone has ever done to me.
I mean, I'm ME for goodness sake...love me or hate me or wish I were dead...but to just dismiss me? I didn't think it was possible. Actually I'm sure it's not. Unless he has some kind of mental deficiency that allows him to compartmentalize and completely forget people if he so chooses.
In other news. Sugarbear is home from the hospital, her chemo went really well (except for the spinal tap part) and she is snuggled up in her own bed with her little girl. That has *got* to be better for her emotionally and spiritually than to be in a hospital bed with tubes and the smell of hospital all around you. She also has her Nightingale with her. I really hope he makes her feel safe. She needs some help in that department. She's scared sometimes, and I don't know that that is healthy for her. I just hope she can stay optimistic. I know it's hard, but she just has to if she wants to have any chance to get out of this.
So, to summarize, I'm single, I'm happy that way, I have friends again, I get paid Wednesday, and I love my apartment. All in all, things are going okay.
~Dryad~