November 12, 1999 - I've had better days...
Joseph called me a bitch this morning.
Normally this would bother me a little bit. But this bothered me more than I could have possibly imagined!! Why? He was right. I was being a complete and utter bitch. I woke up in a bad mood, determined to take it out on someone. I feel so bad for him sometimes...but by the same token, I just assume that he can handle it. I mean he is fifty after all...don't you learn some kind of secret way to deal with bitches by that time?
Sometimes I think I should have been in the military. It amazes me how much I expect from other people. I judge everyone by the standards I hold for myself. I used to think that wasn't such a bad thing, I mean, I'm not super-above-average or anything. I consider myself a normal person. No superachieving here...
Until I look back on my life and ask questions like how the heck did I survive that? How did I manage to stay relatively optimistic? How did I not take an ak47 and go nuts on everyone I know? (and especially) How did I manage to land my own (nice) place, a good stable relationship with a man who's ALMOST divorced, and have my ideal job by the age of 24? The mind reels.
I should be more sweet, I should be more forgiving...but sweet and forgiving haven't gotten me anything but hurt, beaten, traumatized, and left feeling alone and stupid. Maybe it's a matter of trust. But who's to judge? I certainly don't have the credentials to do that. I know what my intentions are, and I know what my motives are, but how the hell am I supposed to know what someone else's motives/intentions are? I don't dive into brains since Chris. I can read people really well, but no more trying to jump into people's brains and figure them out totally. This sounds like I've begun lying to myself, as well as anyone who reads this, but I really really have to try and do this. There is beauty in the mystery of another's mind.
I wish I could just learn to relax.
On a brighter note, I just learned how to use stylesheets to try and get this to be a little less blinding. Letters scrawling all over a page really drive me nutty! Also, if anyone out there is reading this and can think of a better color combination than black on grey, or knows the hex value # for a lighter shade of grey, please let me know.
I keep asking for help that I should just know I'm not going to get. *sigh* I'm too optimistic for my own good sometimes.
I have GOT to figure out how to make tables without hurting myself.