November 15, 1999 - Monday
In case you were ever wondering why I call myself a dryad, it's because in all my interpersonal relationships I have a horrible way of linking my well being to the well being of those around me. I am really sensitive to other peoples moods, feelings, emotions, and problems. I also revel and bask in their joy, their successes, and their good moods.
Let's start at the beginning....
One of the biggest things I adore about my Joseph is the fact that he has the ability to make everything all better (he's like a six foot band-aid sometimes) and so I was awakened at one, to eventually get out of bed at quarter after two. He's a very good man. Makes sure his love goes away in a good mood and all.
I get ready and drive on out to Berwyn to pick up Phyl to go to Schaumberg to the convention. Due to me (and my uncanny LACK of a sense of direction) we got to the Con at about six. We wandered aimlessly for a while, then we found the costume contest and the free beer, and the rest of the night was great. Met some scary people, met some nifty people, and all is well.
Somewhere on the internet there is a picture of me with a pink flamingo in my clevage. I will try and find it today, but who knows what the odds are of that.
Fast forward a bit. Phyl and I left the convention Sunday at noon-ish. I drive straight from Schaumberg to Berwyn, drop Phyl off at home without even shutting off the car, and then drive out to Merrillville, Indiana for my Sunday Role-Playing game. I get there at about 2:30pm and all is well. The game was great, thanks to Joseph. We went to dinner, and then we went to Joseph's place.
I asked my honey bear what he did last night while I was out, and he tells me he went to see a movie. I ask him if he went with his friend John and he gets all mad about how he asked John but John didn't want to go anywhere. I say "So...who did you go with" And he says "Helen"
I don't know about you, but that pisses me off. A lot. I mean I don't want them to be all pissed off at each other, but did either one of them look "divorce" up in the dictionary? It sure as hell doesn't mean dinner and a movie, OKAY? I told him I'm scared that he's going to sleep with her if she snaps her fingers and says "come here lover boy" (I told him that because the odds aren't bad that he might) and that after the way I reacted the last time something kind of sort of like that happened I went through the ROOF I don't think he'd tell me about it.
So two hours of me sniping at him later, I drop the big bad bomb of doom. I take out my bazooka (the one that leaves no survivors) and load it up with the worst weapon imaginable. The truth.
There is one thing I really need to interject here. I do NOT enjoy sharing things with people that I do not think they already know. I assume that people know the stuff that I say, but that given a corroberating opinion, they realize what they were thinking isn't so far out if someone else can think it too. Right? Not always. I did not mean to tell him something he didn't already know. I really didn't. But I did. And for that, I feel so awful.
I told him...I really really told him..."Of course she's being nice to you, if she isn't, you take her divorce settlement away and really f*** with her world."
The thought (ooh, my chest is constricting all over again) had never crossed his mind.
I admit my boyfriend is a little naieve. I admit that I am a little stupid sometimes. But this combination happening at the same time and regarding his (soon to be) ex-spouse makes for a deadly blend of feelings. Especially in a man as intense as this one.
I really do love him. I knew as soon as I had made probably the biggest mistake of our relationship. Of course I had to throw out the proverbial "two" of the one two punch. So I said "That's why I'm so afraid of you being alone with her." So basically I called this woman who is doing her best to become a martyr a whore. Ironically, this is the same thing that she and his entire family have called me for months (or did, and just think it now) Who said being right means never having to say you're sorry? I can't think of anyone who says sorry more. People like to live in ignorance. They don't want me telling them that their wives are potentially going to try and seduce them so they can get a bigger settlement to start a new life with. They don't want to know. And where does that leave people like me? Other than out in the cold...
After this horrible horrible faux paus on my part, we went to bed. He kissed me and told me that "that was a gift, you don't deserve it" and then afterword (it was a GREAT kiss too...) said "now this is not a gift, and you do deserve it" and kissed me even BETTER than he had last time, and one thing led to another. *Sigh* so I guess that means I'm at least tentatively forgiven.
I promised that if it killed me I would not mention anything disparaging (or otherwise) about Helen again. I will keep my promise (somehow).
The only problem with this whole story is the fact that I don't know if I'm at fault or not. Did I do the right thing? Did I act like an immature brat? I don't know. And I don't think I ever will. But Joseph said some things to me last night that were some of the most romantic and honest that I have ever heard. From anyone. I love him and am going to stand by him and hold him up through this divorce, not tear him down. He has enough help in that department.
Saturday I decided I wanted to go to WindyCon XXVI with my friend Phyllis (Phyl) and we were really looking forward to it. I wanted Joseph to come with but he really didn't think he would have a good time so I came to the conclusion (after tears and bitching about him wasting his life in a basement) that I would go alone with Phyl. I was going to get ready and leave my house by 3 to get to her house at four (yeah, right) and by the time I had decided all of this stuff it was already Noon, and I hadn't had a heck of a lot of sleep the night before. So I took a nap.