April 28, 2000 ~ Friday
Sad but true, would you believe it took me over an hour to find a color combination I really liked for this page?
Today was the day I officially disabled the link from my home page to the Journal. I did it because of Rob. I don't want anyone that close to me to stumble upon these entries I have written. I don't want him to think I'm as broken as I think I sound in them. (If that makes any sense) I know he has changed, and I know I have changed...but after eight years, he's still there, and although I know it's not true, still...it feels like he's been waiting for me.
Waiting for me for what? To come to my senses, perhaps? I mean, I decided last night I would go to New York and visit him. I swore when I left I would never, EVER go back there, and now I am going back on that to see him.
I have put him on this unattainable pedestal, and now he is there, waiting for me to come to him. I told him he should run. I told him he should hang up on me and forget I exist. He wouldn't. It feels like destiny....but who can tell? Who am I to assume to know the will of my personal deity? I can barely choose what to wear to work on a daily basis....I am not worthy of his love. I hurt him so many times. Not because I didn't love him, not because I didn't care...always it was "The Circumstances" that dictated my actions. And oh how I paid for that.
Rob told me last night that I am paranoid. I think he's right...but if he had lived my life, he too would be as paranoid as I am. He also told me I was mildly obsessed with him. I think that's true as well. But by the same token, wouldn't he have to be just a tad bit obsessed with me to have stuck around so long, knowing I've only brought him pain in the end?
I need a break for now. This hurts to write...the ache in my heart seems so deep you could never hear something hit the bottom if you threw something in. And I am left to wonder what will fill this gap.
How long will I contrive to be safe and comfortable, and keep myself from giving in to the blind luck that life holds for everyone?
~Jennifer
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