A Basic Introduction to the Stages of Erotic Power Exchange

Erotic power exchange is any situation where the partners, of their own free will and choice, actively and willfully incorporate a power element in their love making (and usually for a great deal in their relationship). Erotic power exchange is best known as BDSM or D/s, but these terms are all too limited and too often confused with stereotypes which is why we call it Erotic Power Exchange (EPE).

Erotic power exchange can take any shape or form within a relationship between a man and a woman, a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or any possible combination you can think of (and probably more than a few you can't). From little things like simply blindfolding a partner when making love to anything like 24 hours a day, 7 days a week dedication, the shape and form EPE takes totally depends upon the fantasies, situation and boundaries of the partners involved. As long as it is safe, sane and voluntary consent have been given, it may be called erotic power exchange. If any or all of these four elements are missing, it's called abuse.
We are all unique in when and how we come to discover and explore our desires for erotic power exchange. However, we will now attempt to describe the different stages that everyone goes through when developing feelings and emotions related to erotic power exchange or BDSM.

Stage 1: The initial (discovery) stage where one finds out about one's own feelings Feelings and emotions, related to erotic power exchange are often discovered in a very early (sometimes pre-puberal) stage, although they may either emerge or develop at a later stage as well. Often people discover these feelings within themselves after having gone through a rough period in their life, like a divorce since such events cause people to evaluate their own person as well as their environment. Erotic power exchange feelings almost always have sexual connotations and may coincide with the general development of the person's sexuality. At this stage, these feelings are usually neither explicitly dominant nor submissive, but rather general power exchange related. Strictly speaking, no person is 100% dominant or 100% submissive. Dominant and submissive feelings coexist within a person and will eventually - except for those who will nurture both aspects of their character (switches) - find their direction. General, each person has a tendency to grow to towards one end of the scale, either dominant or submissive. It is unclear what exactly causes the differences in the development, although aspects like education, freedom of thought, creativity, home-background and religion are influential. Unfortunately a history of abuse is also a factor sometimes. Stage one is quite often marked by uncertainty.


Stage 2: The fear-stage The uncertainty plus social factors will usually lead to fear about one's feelings and emotions and may lead to shorter or longer periods of seclusion. Again up bringing, religion and education are the influencing factors here, combined with the social taboo, the general lack of information on the subject, unnecessary limiting legislation, social prejudice, stereo typing and a substantial shortfall in the general sexual education. Both dominants and submissives in this stage have the idea they are the only one with feelings like this and in almost all cases they will not (yet) talk about them. Some will actively seek information, others will just hide and at the same time, secretly nurture their feelings. To the person involved, the feelings are not identified as "wrong," but as positive and special and most of all "their own." However, there is a direct conflict with general social and legal aspects and politically correct behaviour. A woman in modern society is not supposed to be submissive or weak. Thus, those who nurture fantasies of rape or kidnapping will often be seen by other women as a danger to their gender. While it is questionable if people would in fact see them that way, however, in most cases, the individual believes that she is seen like that. A man, on the other hand, is not suppose to beat up his spouse or lover and will often be afraid of being marked as a monster or a sadist.

Stage 3: The "first steps stage" where one will start to experiment (with oneself), read, and search for information Even though they keep their fantasies and dreams to themselves, individuals will begin to experiment, quite often on themselves, often actively incorporating both the dominant and submissive roles in themselves. They will look for more information. Most often this "information" is strongly related to their fantasies (i.e. searching for books and stories about these, as well as pictures). This is the stage where a person discovers there are others like them. Even if they cannot contact them directly, "there must be more, otherwise they wouldn't write these books, magazines, stories and make these pictures, drawings and videos." It is a relief to find out about others sharing the same feelings, but sometimes it is also frightening. For this reason it usually takes a while before anyone will actually start to look for others to talk to or a partner.

Stage 4: Where one tries to find others Actually, Stage 3 usually triggers this active search for others that share the same feelings or are willing to. When this happens within an existing relationship this can be a major problem, since this may (and very often does) break up the relationship. It is a known fact that because of the risks involved some people tend to stop their development here and go back to nurturing their feelings in secret. In this stage people may have a problem prioritizing erotic power exchange as a part of their entire life. Three different priority problems may occur: The person involved will either over-prioritize these feelings, putting it in front of all other aspects of a relationship and over-idealizing it at the same time; People will have problems for a long time with the balance between their everyday life, trying to be one person at one time and another person at another time. Submissive women are especially known to have problems with their different roles as either mother, career person and submissive; Another problem is prioritizing ideals. Specifically for submissive women where they want to be self-confident and strong while on the other hand there are submissive emotions, that seem to conflict directly with that. This is sometimes called "the back-stabber theory." Priority problems, especially over prioritizing, may lead to disappointments and disillusionment. For example, you may not be able to find a partner or you may over do it towards an existing partner or spouse. Submissive women in this stage are sometimes very vulnerable to an abusive relationship, due to over emphasizing their power exchange tendencies.

Stage 5: The reconciliation stage, where one comes to grips with one's fantasies and starts to understand them By this stage, you have gathered a lot of information. Some things have been tried out and you have found a partner or others to share with. The person involved will now start to understand what is happening inside their mind. The disillusionments from Stage 4 are now a part of the learning curve. Please note that we use plural here, because the majority of BDSM people go through more then one relationship (sometimes very short ones) and other BDSM experiences before finding the right partner and environment. A interesting factor here is that although the different stages up to now may have taken years, only now is the person usually ready to enter the local BDSM community. However, they will immediately be identified as "novice," when, in fact, the person may be quite experienced with power exchange emotions and merely lacks "public" experience.

Stage 6: The partner-search stage (within an existing relationship or finding a new one - most people tend to mix this up with the third stage) There may very well be a partner available at this moment. However, it is time for the both to grow towards the same level of information and understanding where the partners have identified their "common ground." For singles it is now time to lick their wounds from previous stages and restart the search for a partner, only better equipped this time.

Stage 7: The revolving stage, where one grows, learns, experiments, grows again, etc. This is the endless stage where the relationship will really start to flourish by experimenting and learning together and the start of stage 6 marks the start of a true relationship with embedded erotic power exchange.

Closing Remarks While each individual's experiences are unique, both dominant and submissive people pass through these stages. Some stages may be skipped, combined or mixed up. Usually, the stages have no marked beginning or end. A person just flows from one stage to another. Also, people may develop erotic power exchange feelings at any age. They may start as early as five years old or as late as 55 or 60. While adolescents usually go through a period of sexual experiments where erotic power exchange may be a part, but this is in no way an indication the person will develop further BDSM feelings in the course of their life. The stages do not have a specific time frame. The entire process may take many years. For instance, access to information is vital to the speed of a person's development. While early disillusionments and abuse may bring extra conflicts and will call for more time in certain stages. Not everyone will pass through all the stages. Some will cease to pursue their BDSM - feelings/interests, and turn away from further development. This may be this the end of their interest in BDSM or it may mark only an interruption, as the pursuit of their BDSM feelings/interests is resumed months, years or decades later. Fear, or (temporarily) not being able to overcome the social taboo and general coming-out problems are very often at the bottom of this.