There’s Evil Afoot!
By Kate
Cast of Characters:
Brian as BackstreetMan
Kevin as BackstreetBoy
AJ as AJ
Nick as Nick
Howie as The Receptionist
Chris Kirkpatrick as The Lunch Lady
Act I; Scene I
(AJ and Nick are outside of a nursing home after watching their
favorite old TV show, “BackstreetMan and BackstreetBoy”. The old stars, they are told, are living
there. They enter the nursing home and
face the front desk where Howie sits.)
AJ:
(lifting only his head and eyes
above the front edge of the desk) Psst.
I hear BackstreetMan and BackstreetBoy are working here… (lifts eyebrows twice) undercover.
Howie: (raises
a brow and then winks a few times) Yeah…well, I’ll see if they can take
time out of their busy schedule to
see you guys.
(Howie stands up and leads AJ and Nick over to the door of the
activity room. They walk inside and
Howie points to two older men, Brian and Kevin, sitting in front of a TV.)
Howie:
There they are, watching TV. (Whispering)
Try not to startle ‘em. (Howie winks back
to the reception desk)
(AJ and Nick slowly creep over to the TV and come out from behind
it. They block the view and begin to
giggle. Brian and Kevin’s eyes open a
little more as they do.)
Brian:
Are those the guys that are comin’ to fix the TV?
Nick:
Are you BackstreetMan and BackstreetBoy??
Kevin: (very slowly) Well, we…used…to…be.
But…now…we’re…retired.
(AJ and Nick both gasp.)
Nick:
RETIRED?! You guys can’t be
retired! There’s evil afoot!
(Brian’s eyes get wide.)
Brian: (softly)
Evil? (shouting) EEEEEVVIIIILLLLL!!!!
(Brian leaps up and runs around the room. He leaps on an artificial tree and hangs
there, trembling. AJ, Nick, and Kevin
all watch in amazement.)
Nick: All I said was, ‘There’s evil afoot’!
Brian:
EEEEEEEVVVIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!!!!! (he jumps off the tree and onto a drinking fountain. He begins to pull on the top, shouting
quickly:) Evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil, evil!! (he pulls the top off
and water sprays in his face.)
Kevin: (gives Nick a disgusted
look) Would…you…stop…saying…that?!
Howie: (slamming the door open angrily) What
is going on in here?!? (He winks a couple of times)
Kevin: Get…these…two… (points at AJ and Nick,
who stand there with stupid grins on their faces) outta…here!
(Howie drags AJ and Nick out of the nursing home and shoves them
out the door.)
AJ: It’s
too bad BackstreetBoy and BackstreetMan are old.
Nick: What
are you talking about? Old people are
the best! They’re full of wisdom and
experience. (A
movie clip of Mr. Magoo plays. He winks and gives a thumbs up) We
need to get them out of retirement.
Someone, somewhere is in trouble, and I won’t rest until BackstreetMan
and BackstreetBoy are out of retirement!
(Fireworks explode above; AJ points at them)
AJ:
Ooh…Pretty lights.
Act I; Scene II
(In the lunchroom, Brian and Kevin are getting their meals. They hold up their trays to the salad and
receive a small bowl of salad.)
Brian: To the meatloaf!
(They walk over to the meatloaf and get a glob of it.)
Brian: To the broccoli!
(They walk to the broccoli and get a few pieces. Brian stands on his toes, trying to reach
the lunch lady.)
Brian: Make sure my young apprentice
gets some extra broccoli. The boy needs
his vitamins.
(Kevin approaches the broccoli and holds up his tray.)
Chris:
There you go. (He empties out a whole bag of frozen broccoli
on his plate)
Kevin:
Chris….. I….thought…you…were…dead…after…Justin…cut…off…your…hair.
Chris: Well
it never grew back. The only way I
survived was to cut off Lance’s hair.
Kevin: No…wonder….you…look….like…Lancth.
Chris:
You’ve been reading Sailor Meats again, haven’t you?
Kevin:
Yeah.
(Brian speaks up.)
Brian: To
the table! Away!
(They sit down and begin to eat. Nick walks in the door. Nick slowly comes up from under the table.)
Brian: Oh,
there’s the TV repairman.
Kevin:
What…do…you…want?
Nick: Do
you remember the time when the food supply in the Backstreet Market was running
low? So you created Joey Fat-One to
regurgitate and restore what he’d eaten!
But then, the evil JC stole the Fat-One and began to spread spew all
over Orlando! (he lunges for a table) And he starts sucking on the
glass! (Nick begins to suck on the table. The old lady picks up her plate and moves
away.)
Kevin:
What’s…your…point?
Nick: You
guys are the greatest heroes on earth, and I think you should come out of
retirement.
Howie: (comes in, winking)
What’s going on?!
Brian:
By the power vested in me, I pronounce you man and
wife! (he points at Nick, who’s resumed
sucking on the table) You may kiss the bride!
(Nick is thrown all the way out to AJ’s house, who waits
expectantly.)
AJ: Did
you do it?
Nick:
No, but I’m married.
Act II; Scene I
(We see Brian and Kevin in rocking chairs outside. They rock
slowly.)
Brian: Up,
up, and away! (He rocks faster as he
says “Away”.) Up, up, and away! Up, up, and away!
Nick: (walks on scene,
dressed as a girl in heavy makeup. His
lipstick is smeared and he holds a purse. He speaks with a southern accent) Oh,
my. This purse is just so darned heavy!
AJ: (he approaches Nick,
wearing a black mask with a black condom, black shirt, and blank pants) I’ll
take that, Ma’am! (He grabs the purse and
runs away to hide)
Nick: (gives a high-pitched
scream) OOOHHHHHH!! Hey-alp! Hey-alp!
(Kevin walks over, glaring)
Kevin: (shouts)
Qui…..et!
You’ll…wake…up…Backstreet…Man!
Nick: (appears beside Brian,
who sits still with his eyes open) Ever alert, BackstreetMan
has trained himself to sleep with his eyes open!
Brian: (wakes up and shouts at
Kevin) What’s all the noise out there??
Kevin:
It’s….not….me….you….old….coot!
(A chorus of various voices arise)
Justin: Yes?
Lance:
That’s me.
Chris: I’m over here.
Nick: (taps Kevin on the
shoulder) This’ll cheer you up.
We’re almost done painting your InvisibleMobile!
(AJ stands there with a brush covered in black
paint. A car is beside him, crudely
painted black.)
Kevin: It’s…supposed…to…be…in…vi…si…ble! (He turns to Brian who is by his side)
That’s…it. Time…to…come…out…of…re…tire…ment! There’s…evil…afoot!
Brian: (softly) Evil? (Screams)
EEEEEEEEEEVVIIILLLLL!!!! (He sweats and pants heavily. Asks in a scared voice:)
Where is it?
Kevin: (points at Nick and AJ, who stand there with
blank looks. AJ’s tongue sticks out)
There! (He
brings out a gold case) You…know…what…this...means? (He opens it and two
rings stick out. They give off a yellow glow.)
Brian: Doughnuts!
Kevin: No! (He sticks a ring on Brian’s index finger and
the other on his own)
(They swing their hands at each other. They
miss and then give a few practice swings. They swing and hit, but nothing
happens. Kevin glares at Brian.)
Kevin: Say…the…oath!
Brian: (in a younger, more powerful voice)
BackstreetMan and BackstreetBoy, unite! (Fanfare)
Act II; Scene II:
(Brian and Kevin glare at AJ and Nick)
Kevin: Throw…a…meat…ball…at…them!
(Brian chucks a meatball at AJ. AJ takes the condom off his head and thwaps
it away.)
Brian:
Leapin’ NSYNC! He hit it away
with an evil-looking condom! It must’ve
been on Justin!! (Starts to panic)
Kevin:
No…time…to…panic, BackstreetMan!
Dog…paddle…away!
(They throw themselves on the ground and crawl
over to Nick and AJ. They circle them for a few days until there is a deep rut
in the ground. Brian and Kevin pop out.)
Brian:
Crazy Lancth!! They’ve managed to stay on the little piece of land!
(AJ and Nick leap over one side of the rut and
blink a few times.)
Brian: Quick, BackstreetBoy! The Odorizer!!
(Brian and Kevin squat slightly and squeeze
their eyes tightly. Kevin passes gas,
which knocks out AJ and Nick. Kevin and
Brian take them and toss them out to Nick’s house. Nick and AJ both wake up on
impact.)
Nick: We did it, AJ! Mission accomplished!
(Back at the nursing home…)
Brian: We did it! Oh, I feel five years younger!
Kevin: (shaking hands with Brian)
We…did…it…you…old…coot.
Brian: Who are you?
Act III; Scene I
(A few months later, AJ and Nick are watching TV. It shows Brian and Kevin sitting at a table
with a game of checkers. Brian makes a
move, then Kevin. Brian begins to sweat, and then the phone rings.)
Brian: It’s the Rescue Phone! (He walks over to a desk and picks up the
receiver) Hello? (Small chatter can
be heard from the caller) Hello?? Hellooooooo? Hmm. (he hangs up) Remind
me to get that fixed. (He sits down)
Kevin: Remind…you…to…what?
Brian: Remind me of who?
(The show ends, and AJ and Nick grin at each other.)
AJ: Wow…that was even better than the old
show.
Nick: All thanks to us! (He gives
a thumps up and winks)
The End
