Chapter 14:

Don’t Give Loneliness a Chance

I fought hard against something . . .I had no clue what it was, but it was threatening to overtake me. The darkness was so overwhelming, I felt like I was drowning in it. I couldn't breathe! A popping sound rang out behind me, and searing pain entered my chest. I struggled harder now, and saw a light in the distance. It was taking me forever to get to it, and every breath ached. When I reached it, I drew back suddenly.

I heard Mike's voice taunt me, "You weren't there, Dorough!"

He stepped aside and I saw Alex in a crumpled heap. His skin was ashen, and he reached out for me. But I couldn't stay up anymore. The pain in my chest was so incredible that I fell to the ground in front of Alex. I was so close I could have touched him . . .But I was too late.

"Howie!" I heard a voice calling my name. I swung my arm out hard, but someone grabbed it. I fought back in a panic, screaming profanity through gritted teeth. I kept hearing the voice.

"Howie," Mike called. "He died today just like I said! Now you're gonna die too!"

My eyes flew open. I saw a dark shape over me and jumped up. I scrambled blindly to get away. My chest felt on-fire, and I was desperate to get somewhere safe. But every time I turned around, Mike was there.

"Grab him!" I heard someone say, and I struck the solid form that tried to get a hold of me. I couldn't let this happen . . .Not again . . .I'd let Alex down! Oh my God, Alex! No!

"Jay," I cried out in a strangled voice. "Alex! I'm sorry! Alex, please!" I think I almost passed out from fear when I felt someone's arms around me. My hand hit something hard and I heard a crash.

"Howie, it's all right, man! Relax! Do you hear me, D? It's me! It's Alex! I'm right here! Open your eyes, man! You gotta wake up!"

I struggled to open my eyes. Alex was standing in front of me. I could see a bruise forming on his face. Pieces of the bedside lamp were everywhere on the floor, and there was blood . . . My chest felt heavy and continued to fight for breath. I barely noticed Kevin standing beside his bed looking concerned and Brian and Nick, who were sitting up, appearing confused and shocked.

"Christ, Howie!" Alex pushed my head between my knees. "Breathe slow. Just take it easy." Somehow, hearing his voice made everything better, and I was finally a little calmer. But then I saw Jay's face again . . . the mark that I must've put there . . . the lamp all broken on the floor and Alex's feet all bloody from trying to control me . . . and I lost it.

"Alex! Don't you ever know when the hell to back off? I mean, were you just gonna stand there while I beat the crap out of you? God! Use your head sometime, damn it!"

"D, come on." Alex urged, trying to make me shut up I guess, "I was fine-I AM fine. It's no big deal. Now shut your pie-hole. You wanna go back to bed or not?"

"Do NOT change the subject! Do you or do you not know when to back off?" I demanded. Alex just stared at me, like he was waiting for me to come to my senses. "Just stay the hell away from me!"

"All right. That's it. You're comin' with me." Alex proceeded to drag me out of the room and into the lobby where he pushed me down on the couch. He sat down beside me, and I halfway expected to have a date with his fist. But it didn't happen.

"What's goin' on with you, D? I've known you since I was five and I KNOW when you've got it rough. You always tell me how cool you think I am, so I know you love me." Alex grinned, and I tried to avoid looking at him. "I could never keep away from you, dude-" he trailed off.

"Just go, Jay."

"Howie, you weren't screamin' my name just 'cause you think it sounds cool. Listen, okay? I don't say it all the time but I wanna be here for you. Whatever you need to say is cool with me. Can't I know what's goin' on? You scared the shit out of me tonight."

"Just a nightmare," I said tonelessly. I stood up slowly, making my way back to the room. I could not believe that Alex could stand there and let me pound on him, and then still be there for me afterward. I couldn't be there for him when he needed me. I didn't deserve the same courtesy and I knew it.