Chapter 15:

I Know That We Have Been Through So Much Pain, But I Still Need You In My Life This Time

I glanced across the room at Kevin, who raised a dark eyebrow at me. I knew what he was thinking—I was thinking it too. Here we are, two grown men, and we’re watching some PG movie at a sleepover. Sure, it was at Alex’s, but Brian and Nicky had rented the movie, and 3 Ninjas was just not what I had in mind.

It was the first weekend following tour and the five of us were sprawled all over our sleeping bags in the family room. Denise had given Alex permission to have us all over for the night, I think, because she wanted to cheer him up. (She’d also begun working nights in addition to her normal schedule, and I think it just made her feel better to have us there, in case something came up.)

“Hey Alex,” Nick called. “You be Colt, Brian can be Rocky and I’ll be Tum-Tum, okay?” He looked WAY too excited about this.

“Why do I gotta be the horse?” Alex whined.

“’Cause you’re skinny, and you’re in the middle of me and Brian.” Nick answered, his face serious.

“Come on, guys! BJ and Aaron and me always do it!” Nick mentioned a few of his siblings in desperation, to show that they played it, too. No need to mention that Aaron was merely six years old. “And I HAVE to be Tum-Tum, cause I’m the youngest! And Brian, no switching either! You HAVE TO stay Rocky all the time, ‘cause you’re the oldest, and you’re name’s B-Rok,” Nick announced, to make sure that everyone understood that the role-playing was mandatory.

I nodded at Kevin slightly, and the two of us left and took over Denise’s kitchen. He raided the fridge and I took out the popcorn popper and started making some. Eventually, Kev found some cokes when I pointed him to the McLean’s secret stash. I was just reaching out to unplug the popper when I heard commotion going on in the other room. At first I just thought it was the guys messing around, but something in me decided otherwise and I headed in to see what was going on.

“I oughta kick the crap out of you!” Alex exclaimed. “What the hell, Nick?” Alex was flushed and breathing hard. His eyes flashed with anger, and he had evidently bloodied Nick’s mouth before the screaming started.

“Alex, lay off him,” Brian interrupted. “He’s just a kid!”

“Stay out of this, Brian! It ain’t your fight! You didn’t think twice before you kicked Kevin’s ass!” Alex seethed.

“What are you after him for?” Brian asked, impatiently waiting for an answer. “We were just messin’ around, Jay. You were, too!”

“The idiot jumped on my back, Rok! Why the hell do you think I wanna hit him?” After saying it, Alex drew an arm back, in another attempt to connect with Nicky’s face. Nick cowered while I grabbed Alex’s fist and held him back.

“Jay,” I warned. “Don’t even think about it! What’s Nick’s mama gonna say when he comes home with his lip lookin’ like that?”

“I don’t care what she thinks! He deserves this, damn it!”

“No he doesn’t,” I said, feeling like I was talking to a wall. “You know that no matter what someone does they don’t deserve to get hurt.”

Eventually, Alex was somewhat calmer and Nick had some ice for his mouth. (It wasn’t really that serious, it just bled a lot.) When all the big stuff was taken care of, though, I found myself glaring angrily at Nick. But Brian actually beat me to the punch, so to say.

“Kaos, I know we were just playin’ but you oughta know better than jumpin’ on Alex.” To my surprise, Brian’s tone was completely serious as he scolded Nick.

“How am I supposed to know better? Tell me that! Alex did it to me the other night in the hotel!” Nick balked, tears were pooling in his eyes.

“Nick, listen.” Kevin said mildly from the doorway.

“You know what, Nick?” I asked, none-too-kindly, cutting Kevin off, “You didn’t get a bullet through the back! So, don’t go blaming Alex for your mistakes! Use your head!” In a matter of a few minutes, I had become furious at Nick’s stupidity, and his blaming Alex just put it over the top.

Nick had begun losing control somewhere when I’d been yelling at him, now he was biting his fat lip hard to keep his emotions inside. Somehow, the sight of him crying now just made me more upset with him.

“You’re crying now, huh?” I asked bitterly. “You’re so selfish, you know that? I didn’t see you cry one bit during all the time we were waiting to hear about Alex. You weren’t upset then! Why you cryin’ now? I’ll tell you why. ‘Cause YOU’RE hurt, damn it! Don’t you feel anything for anybody besides yourself?”

“Yes! Why are all y’all on my case tonight? I didn’t do it on purpose! I wasn’t there, I don’t know some of the stuff y’all know!” Nick exclaimed. His cheeks were bright red, as if he suddenly was running a temperature. He turned to Alex who was sitting on the couch silently, taking it all in with a blank expression.

“I’m sorry! You know I didn’t mean to do that. It’s my fault.”

Staring, his face expressionless, Alex barely moved at Nick’s comment. I guess this was too much for Nicky. Because he got right in front of him and started really crying—the way all of us had—all except for Nick.

“Alex, I don’t get you, man. I KNOW this is hard on you. I can see that. And I DID care when I was at the hospital with the guys I just didn’t know what to do! I mean, Howie told me about what happened and I couldn’t believe that anyone did that to you! I know you don’t know me so well as Howie, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care!” Nick took a ragged breath and continued.

“Don’t take this wrong, okay? ‘Cause I know you’re not real sure about diving back in your old personality—I can see it freaks you out. You’ve been through so much pain and all. But I need you back, Alex. You’re not who you used to be. Where did you go?”

“I don’t know.” Alex whispered, his voice hoarse. “I don’t know how to get it back.”

None of us knew how to respond to that. Slowly, we all turned our attention back to the screen, though none of us felt much like watching now. We were all just dumbfounded. I never expected to go off on Nick, and I never expected Nick to react the way he did.

I was sorry. I really was. But I was completely at a loss as to how to make it up to him. And he was the first to fall asleep.

The rest of us began to drop off a couple hours later. Alex went to crash in his room, since Denise wasn’t too crazy about him camping on the floor with his back the way it was, and Kevin, Brian and I picked up popcorn and coke cans before we all crawled in our sleeping bags for the night.

I’d been asleep for a few hours when I heard a whimper. Sleepily I tried to tune it out, but soon I realized that it wasn’t going away. Brian and Kevin were on either side of me, and I kicked each one, trying to rouse them, so they could find out what was wrong. It was hopeless. Kevin just turned over—he sleeps like a log, and Brian mumbled something I couldn’t understand.

I stepped over Kevin and went tiredly down the hall to Alex’s room, and saw him fast asleep. Rubbing my eyes, I pulled his door closed and started back down the hall to my nest on the floor.

I was almost there when I saw a restless form across the room and remembered Nicky. I had no clue what could be causing him so much trouble. Brian told me once that Nick was scared of the dark, but I doubted it was true. But maybe it was.

Quietly, I approached Nick and whispered his name. He didn’t say anything back, but seemed to get antsier. I flipped on the lamp on the side table and saw that Nick was all tangled up in his sleeping bag, still moving around and moaning.

I got down next to him and shook his shoulder. “Nick. . .Wake up, kid. It’s Howie. It’s just a bad dream. . . It’s okay.”

Nick came awake all of a sudden, seeming real panicky about something. Looking at him then, his hair matted and falling in his eyes and sweat coming off his face, I was extra sorry for the mean things I said earlier. I waited a minute in case he wanted to say something. And when he did, my heart went to my throat.

“Alex.”

“I know,” I heard myself saying, “I have bad dreams about him, too.”

For some reason, he seemed to relax at this. Sitting up, he leaned heavily against me and I slung an arm around him. “You know,” I ventured, “I didn’t mean what I said tonight. You’re a good kid.” I waited for him to pull away but it didn’t happen.

Nick leaned into me even more and mumbled “Mmm-hmm,” so I slowly took his shoulders and laid him down again.

I went back to my spot between Brian and Kevin, but discovered that Brian had somehow managed to sprawl himself across my sleeping bag while he was sill inside his own. I smiled, going over to the couch, and left the light on.