Chapter 16:

It’s True, Without You I Would Fall Apart

“Nick, man, you’re really sounding good. Did that voice of yours finally settle down?” I asked. I had noticed that ever since our quartet performance of “O Holy Night,” Nick seemed more determined than ever to do really well in choir.

“Yeah, I guess,” he answered, a little uncomfortable.

We were all squished in a practice room together, for the first time in close to a month. Mr. J wanted us to perform at the Christmas concert, so we had picked up “O Holy Night” again.

It was weird singing it now, especially because Alex and Nick had pretty much switched roles. Now Alex was struggling and Nick was right on. It made for a strange atmosphere—and I could see on Alex’s face that he didn’t like where he found himself. Plus, Nick was unknowingly making it all worse, by asking for Alex’s advice at every turn.

“Hey, Alex? How should I sing this? I’m not sure what all these words mean.” Nick was asking.

“How would I know, Nicky? Just sing, it don’t matter how you feel,” Alex mumbled, looking down at the floor.

Brian elbowed Nick. “Stop askin’ stuff okay? You’re makin’ him feel down. If you got a question, ask me or Howie.”

“But you and Howie don’t KNOW the answers to that stuff!” Nick protested.

Kevin glanced at Alex and played the first note of his solo, indicating that we would start there. It was hard to miss the expression of pure dread on Alex’s face as he opened his mouth and started to sing.

“Long lay . . .the world . . .in sin . . .and error . . .pining—” Alex stopped suddenly, grimacing. I knew he wasn’t satisfied. Every couple words he sang, Alex had to pause and take a breath.

He stared at Kevin. “Well?” Alex pressed impatiently. “Say something, damn it! That sounded like shit!”

But Kevin just shrugged, blinking hard. “Sounded fine.” His voice was husky.

“Damn it, Kev! Y-you were always the FIRST one to tell me what I needed to do to be better, and now all of a sudden, that’s all crap ‘cause I got hurt! Why the hell did you have to change so damn much?” Alex leaned heavily on the piano for support as he glared at Kevin.

“I didn’t change,” Kevin objected weakly.

“The hell you didn’t!” Alex countered, his voice low.

“Alex, I care about you! I’m not a total hard-ass and I wanted you to see that!” Kevin’s voice remained tight as he fought to keep control.

“Nice way to show you care, Kev! By lying? I’m not gonna get any better by you denying the truth! I suck, damn it! Stop pretending you don’t see it!”

“I know you’re struggling, but I also know that it’s not your fault! By mentioning it to you I figured it was like blaming you for what you couldn’t help. I just didn’t want to hurt you anymore. Shit, you’ve been through enough as it is!”

“You think I don’t know that?” Alex demanded. “You think I don’t know every damn thing that happened could have been stopped, if I had just opened my eyes! And I don’t know why you think that you suddenly caring about me is gonna make a damn bit of difference. . .You’d have gotten over it soon enough if it had turned out some other way.” Alex’s tone had changed from angry to defeated, and he wasn’t looking at Kevin anymore.

Kevin stood up suddenly and grabbed Alex by the shoulders, “Alex, I swear, I wouldn’t have gotten over it! Not ever! I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t still around. You made me feel good again. Every time I saw Brian he told me what you did in Acting that day, and how funny it was, or how hard you tried. After my dad died last year, I didn’t think anyone could help me . . .I didn’t think I would be happy again. But you changed all that. Having you in my life has helped me heal. You’ve let me see that there are still reasons to smile.” Kevin’s voice broke, and I saw him try to conceal the tears that had begun to track down his face.

“I’m not that guy anymore, Kev. I’m glad I helped you and all. But that guy’s gone.” Alex looked sadder than I’d ever seen him.

Raising his eyes, Kevin met Alex’s gaze. “He’s in there, kid. We’ve just gotta find him.”