Chapter 17:

Maybe I’m a Drifter

“Howie, man! Cut the crap! Quit following me!” Alex whined. I’d been trying to get him to talk to me for the last few days. Now, I was near the end of my rope. I knew we had to sit down and get some things straight. I didn’t like the way Alex’s outlook had shifted, and I had a feeling in my gut that if I didn’t address it, things could get ugly quick.

“Jay, come off it! Why can’t you just tell me what’s got you so pissed off?”

“You know something, D? You’re freakin’ annoying me! Get away!” Alex balked. He walked around me and into the kitchen. Maybe stopping by his place unannounced wasn’t such a good idea.

“You’re not five anymore, Jay. That line’s not gonna work,” I said, following him. I caught him at the refrigerator and spun him around. It was obvious I had scared the crap out of him, but right then it didn’t matter. I wanted answers, and I wanted them now.

Deliberately, I steered him to the table and pushed him down into a chair. I sat near him in case he tried anything. “Now,” I said firmly. “What’s up with you?”

“Nothing,” Alex sulked.

I sighed in frustration. That simple thing was enough to push Alex over the edge with me.

“Damn it, Howie! What do you want from me? Y-you want me to tell you that I’m have stupid nightmares every time I close my eyes?! That I’m scared shitless that that asshole’s gonna come back and finish me off?! I’m a stupid-ass pansy, Howie! Every time I go in that class I look over my shoulder and pray that he’s not there! He took EVERYTHING away from me! God! I hit Nicky for jumpin’ on me the other night! I forgot I was with y’all and went off on him! And Kev does all he can to be nice to me, and what do I do, but freakin’ go off on him for not being normal around me! I don’t know who I am anymore, damn it! Is that what you want to know?!” Alex’s voice had gone hoarse, and I could see tears in his eyes.

“Yes,” I answered quietly. “But I didn’t want to know it to hurt you. I wanted to know it . . .so that I could know I’m not alone.”

Alex couldn’t hide the shock in his eyes.

“You know about the nightmares already,” I said quietly, not looking at him, as I played with the edge of the tablecloth. “But I’m scared too, Jay. Even though I know in my head that they got Mike arrested that day and that he’s not at school, and waiting on a trial date, it doesn’t change the fear. Or the guilt. I’ve felt so bad for so long, Jay! He came up to me the day before it happened, and told me that you better watch your back! I didn’t take him serious, man. I’m sorry.” Tears wet my cheeks now, but I didn’t care. “I’m sorry for not helping you in McDonald’s when you were sick, or in the hotel room when Brian and Kevin had it out. I just couldn’t do it. I’m sorry for everything, man.”

“Don’t, D.” Alex whispered. “Don’t cry for me. I ain’t worth it.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I asked, shocked and angry at what I heard. “Of course you’re worth it!”

“I’m a nobody, Howie. I don’t mean shit. Choir’s a joke now, I can’t sing for shit. And I’m scared to death of wearing something or doing something that’ll give somebody a reason to get after me, I don’t even wear jewelry anymore, ‘cause I think somebody’s gonna think it’s too much, so Acting sucks! He’d have been better off just finishing what he came there to do.”

“No he wouldn’t have, Alex. I love you like my brother, man! Brian and Nick wouldn’t know what to do without you. And you know how much you mean to Kev. Acting and Choir and stuff, those are all things you do. They don’t make you who you are. I don’t care about you because you can sing or act or wear crazy clothes. I care about you because you’ve never been afraid to try. Because you put other people before yourself, and you’re never afraid to help somebody out. You respect your mom more than any guy I know, and you’re always making me laugh. I care about you because you have the biggest heart of anybody I know.”

“I don’t know who I am, Howie.” Alex sounded defeated. “It’s like, I don’t know. All of me leaked out through that bullet hole, and I don’t know how to get it back and be me again.”

“Alex, listen to me. I know who you are. I know who you are, and I know you can get it back. Trust me, okay? And trust yourself. You will.”