Chapter 9:

Don’t Wanna Lose You Now, or Ever Again

I wasn't aware of any time passing, but it must have because the next thing I knew, Denise was next to me. She held me and asked what happened to Alex. I tried to explain, but couldn't manage much other than what I had already said.

A doctor came in a while after Denise got there and explained Alex’s condition to us. He had been shot in the back, but the bullet had gotten lodged somewhere inside, and emergency surgery was performed immediately because his condition was so critical. It was discovered that one lung had been punctured, and that the bullet had messed up a significant amount of small intestine, which had to be removed. Then, the doctor told us that we were allowed to go see Alex. Actually it was only her and I that went in to see him. I guess Alex wasn't really aware enough to realize that all of us were there.

When I went into Alex’s room, I was stunned. He was laid out in the bed totally still. He wasn’t wearing anything typical of Alex. But that wasn’t what made me so upset. I was upset because I still saw the fear in his eyes.

Denise approached his bed from one side, and I did the same from the other. We each held one of his hands. They were shaking. He looked like a ghost, that’s how pale he was.

“I’m right here, sweetie,” Denise said.

“Yeah, Jay,” I agreed. I wasn’t sure what else I could say. I knew by looking at some of the monitors he was hooked up to that he was kind of agitated. He squeezed my hand and some of the beeping got faster.

“Howie. Damn, Howie, it hurts,” he whimpered. All his words ran together so I was pretty sure the nurses had him on a lot of medicine for pain. Talking was still difficult for him, because of the lung damage on one side, but he sure was managing to let us know how he was doing.

“I know, bud. Just try to rest. Me and your mom are gonna be right here, okay?” I saw tears come down his cheeks and I felt like the biggest loser in the world. If I could’ve taken his place, I would have.

“Listen to Howie,” Denise told Alex, smoothing his hair. The platinum blond color looked like it belonged in another lifetime.

Obediently, Alex shut his eyes but five minutes later he was awake again, checking to see that both his mother and I were still there with him. His pain was intense, and I almost had to leave the room when he cried out because it was too much for him to take.

“Please, make it stop,” he begged. “I need something. Please make it stop! Help me! God! I can’t, please make it go away,” Alex sounded borderline incoherent. The nurses had just given him stuff for the pain and he wouldn’t get any more for another hour. That amount of time seemed unbearable.

I sighed and then a thought came in my head. As I was gripping Alex’s hand, I started to sing. Instinctively I knew that “O Holy Night” would not be a good choice as nice of a song as it is. So I chose another one.

“There’s a hero if you look inside your heart. You don’t have to be afraid of what you are. There’s an answer if you reach into your soul and the sorrow that you know will melt away.” I was thinking how grateful I was for my naturally high voice. I didn’t have to strain too much, like Alex did when he pretended to be Mariah. Strange, the thoughts that went through my head then. Some of the beeping sounds lessened and Denise nodded at me encouragingly.

“Mine,” Alex gasped trying to smile.

“Yeah, I know that’s your solo,” I agreed. “But it’s not every day you have me to serenade you. Now hush and close your eyes.” I picked up the song at the chorus. “And then a hero comes along with the strength to carry on and you’ll cast your fears aside, and you know you can survive. So when you feel like hope is gone, look inside you and be strong. And you’ll finally see the truth, that a hero lies in you.” I had tears in my eyes again, realizing how true those words really were about Alex.

I didn’t want to do the next verse. Memories of Alex in the practice room holding Nick’s hand were too fresh in my mind. But in that silence even though it was small, all his monitors decided to go haywire. Denise looked at me, pleading with her eyes, and I knew I had to keep going.

“It’s a long road when you face the world alone. No one reaches out a hand for you to hold.” Alex gripped my hand tighter and I choked back a sob. “You can find love if you reach within yourself. And the emptiness you felt will disappear.” I sang the chorus again, and my voice was starting to give, because my throat was tight with tears.

Alex’s breathing started getting even, and I kept singing to make sure it stayed that way. “Lord knows dreams are hard to follow but don’t let anyone tear them away! Hold on, there will be tomorrow. In time you’ll find the way.”

As I finished, I glanced across the bed again at Denise. She was crying. Well, at least Alex had stopped. He was sleeping pretty well it looked like. His hands still kinda shook, but he seemed better.

I left the room once Denise said I could and went back to the guys. Brian was there now with his parents. He looked a little spacey, but at least he wasn’t talking about washing his hands anymore.

“He’s all right,” I said quietly. “In a lot of pain, but he’s hangin’ in there.” Nick looked relieved but I saw a shadow of something flash in Brian’s eyes. I knew he was upset that I wasn’t saying more. I knew that even though he wasn’t crazy about hospitals, he felt cheated out of going to see Alex. Kevin still looked weepy.

Eventually the rest of the guys went home. I stayed the first night at the hospital, even though Denise said I didn’t have to. I went in to see Alex a couple more times, and he kept moaning in his sleep. I wanted to go find his doctor and smash his face in for making Alex seemingly suffer more than he had to. I felt helpless as I realized there was little I could do for him.

So I did the only thing I could do. I prayed. I prayed by myself, I prayed with Denise, I prayed in the chapel. More than anything I asked that Alex would be okay, and then I asked that his pain be taken away.