Chapter 1

"Damn, that was some performance, huh?" Kevin asked tiredly, collapsing onto his bed. They had just finished performing in front of 50,000 fans in NY. Despite the fact that they had all been through the routine before, (running off stage into the dressing room, out the window, and into the tour bus conveniently parked outside the window,) Kevin was tired. He panted heavily, pulling his shirt on and off, his chest heaving. Howie came and collapsed beside him, saying, "Yeah, I never get used to all this excitement." Silence.

AJ paced quickly into the room, and frantically went around the room, gathering up his things, and they watched intently, helplessly.

Nick was last to emerge into the hotel room, closing the door behind them quietly. He was the least energetic of them all, moping around since they left stage. AJ was really going to miss it all. All the excitement.

That was AJ's last performance. Why? Because they were gradually breaking apart, and everyone of them knew it. Sure, the smiles and the happy energetic faces could fool the wittiest of them; it was all a cover up. They knew well within their hearts that the group was going to break apart.

A few years ago, in 1999, Aaron Carter joined the group. That's when the trouble begun. All the attention had gone completely to his head, and as far as he was concerned, Nick had absolutely no authority over him anymore. He was the baby of the group now, all the attention, all the girls, and all the money. At first, it was as they all dreamed.

They were hot, and Aaron only brought them more publicity. Until Aaron became the biggest asshole in the group. He was constantly complaining if things didn't go as planned. He was easily agitated, and the slightest thing ticked him off. Everything he said went. The manager of the group, Johnny Wright, MADE him head honcho. With all this Aaron publicity sweeping the world, his paycheck became fatter and fatter. He didn't care that the boys were drifting further and further apart.

Brian and Nick's friendship had deceased because of Aaron, he always and forever needed constant attention to keep him happy. It was, " No Brian, we can't chill tonight. Aaron wants to see Barney in concert," or some lame excuse. Nick was so afraid to admit that Aaron was the cause of the group
breaking apart, because he felt complete to blame. The boys weren't as comfortable when Aaron was around. They couldn't be themselves.

AJ was the one who really couldn't stand him. Aaron made him so mad, he would unleash his anger on everyone else. Just a few weeks back, he ripped apart the tour bus in such a rage, the cops had to handcuff him. " I'll kill that little bastard! I hate him! I hate him!" He bellowed, struggling with the cop to let him go. The tears he held in for so many years were continuously rolling down his cheeks onto the hood of the cop car. And Aaron stood by, innocently, glaring wide eyed as if he didn't know WHY AJ was acting that way.

That incident was all over the news and in papers everywhere within 24 hours. That hurt the group's ego. The ratings suddenly dropped, and their rivals, 98 Degrees, 'NSYNC and Five shot to the top of the U.S. charts.

That same day of his arrest was also when AJ decided he had to leave the group before he really did kill Aaron.

He got the group together one evening, when Aaron was out signing autographs, and told them he was leaving after the concert in NY. Which was today.

It hurt him to make such a decision, but he just couldn't tolerate the conflicts, the fighting, and the arguing anymore.

All was quiet for the sake of the thought. Howie was completely silent, staring blurry eyed up at the ceiling. He honestly didn't want AJ to leave. Hoping not to be detected, he wiped a tear out of his eye and
continued to stare.

Brian frowned, looking at AJ as he gathered his belongings. He was wasting no time in doing so, he wanted to leave before Aaron got back. Brian was leaned up against the wall, sadly, watching his friend leaving for good, right before his eyes. And it was because of Aaron. He wanted to beg him to stay, but he knew he had to leave. Aaron had ruined his life. The incident with the cops, and the fact that AJ couldn't stand it any longer. He had tolerated enough.

The nights he spent awake, listening to himself crying over AJ's decision. He loved him like a brother, but leaving was the best thing AJ could do. AJ was on continuous prescription medication because of Aaron. Medication to get him to sleep, stay awake, lower his blood pressure, maintain his temper. And secretly, they managed to keep AJ's trips to the mental institution a secret.

His problem was that he'd let Aaron get into his head, and he couldn't take it. He'd had a total of 6 nervous breakdowns since Aaron joined, nine years ago. At times, when reporters were caked outside their tour bus, all they could do was hold AJ down during these nervous breakdowns until he fell asleep, and talk to him, tell him to calm down, because they didn't want the public to know about AJ's problem. And they kept it a secret for nine years. Nine.

AJ didn't want to leave the group either, but he knew he'd kill either himself or Aaron by accident one of these days, or even worse, one of the guys. He stifled tears, not even bothering to act hard. His chest was heaving on and off his body as he picked up the remainder of his bags. Slowly, he glanced up at the guys, staring at him helplessly. Kevin was staring blindly out the window at Aaron, signing autographs downstairs.     

Suddenly, Nick, overwhelmingly filled with guilt, dropped to his knees crying shamelessly into his hands. "AJ!! No! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it's all my fault!" He jerked once and fell over on his side, knees tucked under his chest whimpering. Brian went over to him to help him up. " No Nick, let him go, he has to go," Brian said, grabbing him under his arms. AJ stared blankly into Nick's blood-shot eyes.

The group was falling apart. Nick was next to go insane, and AJ knew it. He couldn't stand his brother much longer. Howie rolled off the bed and threw his arms around AJ, grasping him tight. "Take care of yourself, orright man?" He begged. AJ sniffed in response. He let him go and Kevin came up to him,
patted his shoulder. He had done his crying already. "Bye Boner," he whispered hoarsely, before turning to go into the bathroom, so not to make the others see him cry. He was the oldest, if he lost it, the others would have no one to turn to.

Brian was next to say goodbye. He dragged Nick over to the wall and propped his back up against it. "AJ?? I dunno what to say," he stuttered, hugging him for the last time.

Expressionless, wordless, AJ approached the door, Brian opening it because his hands were full. He looked down at Nick, lying limply on the floor, red eyed and exhausted. He gently kicked his shoe to get his attention. Nick looked up sadly, trembling each time he breathed. AJ turned away from him, a sad, depressing sight, almost upsetting to see NICK, of all people like that. He walked out the door into the dimly lighted hallway and turned to face the remainders of the group. "I'll call when I get in," he rasped, not making eye contact.

Quickly, he turned around and headed out the back way of the hotel, so no one would see him make his exit. He made his way down the elevator and into the sidewalk. Once outside, he signaled a cab. Looking back once at the room he had just come from, he sighed and entered the cab. There, he sulked like he'd never done before. There was no turning back, his career was over. AJ cried until he couldn't cry anymore, until there were no tears left to cry. He was just wasting salt, his body trembling with sadness.  

***

Back inside the hotel room now, the boys hadn't said a word to one another. Howie was sitting at the edge of the bed, head hung. Nick was still sprawled across the floor, feeling just as guilty as ever. It was his idea to have Aaron join the group. But how was he to know it was going to turn out like this? His head was spinning, that last performance with AJ wasn't his best. He had forgotten words and messed up on some dance moves once or twice. He was surprised to see some front row fans actually booing him. His jaw dropped and he stared startled at his supposed fans. Then Aaron came to the rescue and just made up for him, as if he was nothing. Like what he was feeling now, like a nothing.

Brian was still leaning against the wall, face covered with his hands. The atmosphere was heavy and still in the hotel room, no one saying anything to anyone. They were still shaken up about the entire situation.

Kevin sprawled open the bathroom door, eyes red and cracked, cheeks stained with tears. " What are we going to do now?" he asked, " What the hell are we going to do now??" He slammed the door shut and kicked over his luggage.

Brian shook his head, says, "I dunno, Kevin?."

Kevin raised his arms in protest and paced angrily across the room. "THINK about it guys. What are we going to tell the public?? AJ just left, and..and??we don't know where the hell he went??" Howie looked up at Kevin, who had a point. The enraged expression on Kevin's face didn't make him feel any better. "Johnny is gonna kick our asses, ?..and it's because of your damn brother!!" Kevin exclaimed, suddenly turning on Nick. He grabbed up the nearest object he could find, a TV remote control and heaved it at Nick. Nick held up his hands to protect his face, but it missed anyway and bounced off the wall, clattering to the floor. Nick looked at the remote, then at Kevin, and continued to lie there carelessly. Kevin narrowed his brows and charged at Nick. "You don't even care!!"

Brian leapt off the wall to intercept Kevin's charge. He didn't bother to be reluctant. Brian shoved him down on the bed and begged him to stop. Howie scooted out of the way, the usual peacemaker, he didn't interrupt them.

"I'm sorry," Nick mumbled pitifully.

"I hate you. I hate you and your damn brother," Kevin growled through clenched teeth.

The door opened again, and their heads turned in that direction hoping it to be AJ. Instead it was Aaron and their manager, grinning widely, talking to someone on his cellular. "I love being loved," Aaron gloated, stepping over Nick as if he was barely in existence. Howie turned his head away from them.

Aaron was just as tall as Nick now, and just as handsome. His hair was slicked back with so much gel it had begun to flake. He frowned when he saw the state of the room. "What the hell happened in here?" He asked, looking around. His voice had matured for sure, but it was a little sore from singing. "Get some rest guys, concert tomorrow night-?" Johnny caught his breath. He searched around the room suspiciously. "Where's AJ?" he asked, puzzlement in his voice. "He's gone," Howie mumbled. Aaron raised his brows surprised. "Really? Aww," he said, but you could clearly detect no signs of compassion in his voice.

"Gone? Where?" Johnny asked, confused. "He's gone dammit! What part of that don't you understand?? He's left the group!" Kevin yelled in an outrage, directing the statement to Aaron. Aaron seemed startled. "WHAT? He's what??" Johnny asked, face turning red with anger. "You gotta be kiddin' me?"  

"Good, I don't care, that crazy bastard is better off by himself. He wasn't cut out for this," Aaron scowled.

"Shut-up Aaron! What the fuck are we gonna tell the public?! Huh? Did you lazy bitches know about this?"

They didn't answer him, they stood by taking the abuse, and the abuse they had received since Aaron joined. The verbal, sometimes physical abuse. He swore violently and repeatedly kicked the bed, mattress bouncing up with each kick. He marched over to Nick, still laying and punted him in the ribs. "And you, what the hell was wrong with you out there? If it wasn't for Aaron?.."

" Please, you KNOW AJ had to leave, he couldn't take it anymore," Brian interrupted,  "you don't know how hard he had it. You don't know how hard it was for us to keep him a secret," Brain explained, trying to rationalize.

He turned to Brian angrily and pointed at him. "Your so damn smart Brian, why don't YOU go out there and tell the reporters and fans, where the hell AJ went? Huh? Do you even know?" Brian shook his head. "Howie?"

"No."

"Kevin?"

Kevin shook his head.

"Do you know what this is going to do to you guys?" he asked.

Aaron yelled, "Forget them! Are you guys trying to ruin me?" he asked selfishly.

Their manager released a sigh of anguish. "C' mon Aaron, let's go." He said plainly, heading for the door. Aaron followed him out then turned around to face the guys, staring glumly at him. He shook his head and flashed them the bird before slamming the door shut.

"That asshole AJ," he mumbled loudly, from the hall.

***

AJ was moving silently through the subway, like any other shadow, creeping, attempting to maintain a low profile. Hat pulled down low over his eyes, jacket collar turned up and head bent downwards. He reached a stray into his pocket and pulled out the last paycheck he had received, crumpled, and barely legible handwriting scribbled on it.

While waiting for the train to pull up to the station, he briefly recollected all the good times he had being a Backstreet Boy. He smiled, remembering the experiences they had, the trips they took, and music videos they made. The CD's that went multi-platinum in a matter of days, and he'd especially miss all the attention.

Then he remembered Aaron, and he frowned. The cops, the mental institution, the fights. He shuddered at the thought. How did they ever manage to keep all that away from the public? The behavior reminded him of New Kids on the Block. Come to think of it, the guys were really good friends. They had done so much for him already. Keeping him together, lying to the reporters for his sake. Now he was leaving them.

He didn't know exactly what he was going to do, when he was going to get where he was going, and how long he had to keep a low profile. He could go just about anywhere with that paycheck. He had already planned out his escape. From here, he would cab to the airport, and from there, Florida. Back home, where Howie had successfully built and reserved condos for them all. God bless Howie.

To his left, were some fans that had obviously attended the concert. They were raving on and on about Aaron, the last name he wanted to hear at that moment.

The train screeched to a stop and he decided to get into a compartment without them, the last thing he wanted was to be recognized.

***

Johnny sat disgruntled in his hotel room, loosening his tie. Aaron was sleeping in the bed next to his. He glanced at him out the corner of his eyes and shook his head pitifully. He didn't really give a crap about the others anymore, Aaron was the one everyone loved now. He had absolutely no idea the hell Aaron put them through, especially AJ. He just thought that suddenly AJ lost his head in a jealous rage, and wasn't getting as much attention as he used to. But he wasn't there when Aaron would throw his fits, bitch at everyone and boss everyone under him around.

Nick couldn't even stand him anymore, he had completely turned the group around. He had made the group so much publicity, they were convinced that they wouldn't make it without him. Even at eighteen years old, Aaron was still making Johnny more money than he'd ever imagined. Forget the others, they weren't his main concern anymore. Still, he had been with AJ since he was only 15 years old, and it hurt a little bit to see him gone.

He shrugged it off. Oh well, one less person to worry about. But what would he tell the world? This was really going to screw him back. "Damn you, AJ," he mumbled, running his hands through his hair. "Damn you."

***

The boys were huddled in their dark hotel room together, dreading the thought of facing their fans tomorrow without AJ. What would they tell them?

What would they think? When the public finally knew, would there be a nation wide search to find AJ?  Where did AJ go? When would they see him again?

These questions they wished they had the answers to.

"You know what?" Nick asked, shattering silence. He was wrapped up in bed sheets up to his neck. No one responded. "We're not going to last."

They thought about his statement, which was indeed, true. What, in actuality, was holding them together? The bondly feeling, the tightness, it was missing. The love wasn't there anymore. It was, the love of MUSIC that kept them a group. "I dunno, I'm thinking of hanging up the towel myself," Kevin said, in a low, rather regretful tone. No one really took him seriously. Howie sighed deeply. He knew everything from that point was going to go downhill. Without the group, they were nothing. They would soon be a memory in- in everyone's head. There and gone with each breath. All because of Aaron. Aaron was still young, he would cut his own album and continue to be a somebody. But jeez, would he miss AJ. Wherever he was.