Chapter 1

“Hey AJ, Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?” Nick Carter asked his band mate AJ McLean out of the blue.  He had been lounging in his bunk, when AJ had trooped back to the back of the bus, and couldn’t resist the urge to ask his obnoxious question for the day.  AJ groaned and threw himself inside his bunk, “I don’t know Nick, humor me,” he said in almost a growl.

“So it was you!” Nick looked enlightened, then he burst out laughing at AJ’s gullible reaction to his easy to avoid being embarrassed question.

AJ blinked for a few seconds trying to grasp the concept of the stupid joke Nick had made that had apparently insulted his person.  

Brian Littrell sat on the top bunk, the one above Nick, with a slight smile on his face, “Isn’t that joke a little old Nick?”

“It’s a classic,” Nick argued, “and besides, AJ still doesn’t get it.”  Nick snickered to himself.  His snickers were cut off as AJ positioned himself in front of his bunk and shoved him back into the hard bus wall, “It wasn’t funny, dumb ass! Leave me alone!” With that, AJ flung himself back inside his bunk and abruptly shut the curtain.

Nick was left paralyzed against the wall, “What was that about?”

Brian sighed, and shook his head. He went back to what he was doing.

“How much longer until we get to Boston?” Nick asked, losing his playful tone, he now sounded tired.

“A few more hours Nick, get some sleep,” Brian suggested as he carefully folded the notebook paper he had written on and stuffed it inside an envelope.  

“That was a good show,” Nick offered to the silence that had clouded The Backstreet Boys once they left the stage.  

Brian nodded, just to let him know that he heard him.  Other than that Nick received no acknowledgement for his comment.  

“I’m just glad there’s only a few more shows to go before this whole thing is over,” Kevin sighed.  

Brian nodded, “Leighanne is anxious for me to get home to her.”

“Is she still laying on the pressure for you two to get married this year?” Kevin asked curiously.

Brian lowered his head, “Yeah… “

Kevin sighed noisily, “Well you should consider yourself lucky, at least you have someone to come home to.  I just have a…”

“WILL YOU GUYS STOP IT WITH THE SELF- PITY already, you’re makin’ me sick!” AJ screamed.  He dressed quickly without showering to get out of the dressing room as soon as possible.

“We’re makin’ you sick?  You’re making us sick with this attitude that you’ve been having for weeks!  What happened, did you and Amanda have another lover’s quarrel or something?” Brian turned on AJ, his face flushing with anger.  It was unusual for Brian to get so angry, so quickly, but he had.

AJ was at Brian’s throat in a heartbeat, “Don’t you ever bring up my relationships in any conversation that is…”

“Cool it you two,” Kevin stepped in between them, playing the role of the big brother once again with a sigh.

“Stop touching me!” AJ jumped back from Kevin’s restraining hands. He whirled on Brian, “For your information Miss Latona and I are finished. For good!  I hope to never see that bitch again!”

Everyone in the room blinked at AJ’s brash choice of word towards his long-time girlfriend Amanda Latona.

AJ gathered the rest of his belongings and headed for the door.

“What crawled up his butt-hole?” Brian muttered loudly, “He acts as if he is the only one who has problems!  I’m sick of him taking all of his feelings out on us! It’s getting to where I can’t stand the guy anymore!” Brian threw a few items into his bags, and also skipped out on his shower as he slammed out of the door as well.  

Kevin stared after him, “They’re both fools who don’t see what they have…” He sighed for the 100th time that evening and slowly trudged towards the showers.  

Howie frowned after him, and looked towards Nick.  Nick was fiddling with the gold anchor necklace around his neck he always wore, even to bed.  “Does Kev seemed depressed to you Nicky?”

Nick looked up at Howie through a curtain of blond hair, “Everyone seems depressed to me.  Brian, AJ, Kevin… even you.”  He slowly lifted his gym bag, “I’ll catch a shower at the hotel.”

The doors to the dressing room opened and closed once again, leaving Howie alone, with the exception of Kevin, but he was in the shower and shouldn’t count.  

Everyone seems depressed… even you… Me? Howie frowned.  Did it show? Was he that obvious?  He decided that he should get in a shower.  Running the water, he rested his head against the coolness of the shower stall.

Why hadn’t he been there?      

His older sister, who had cancelled her appointments to come see her baby brother in concert, had died without her baby brother by her side.  Why?  Because his work was too important… it seems to have become more important than his own family.  

He was singing his heart out at a concert while his sister , lie in pain on her death- bed in a hospital.  Howie tried his best to get there after the concert, but his best wasn’t good enough.  She died minutes before his plane touched the ground in North Carolina.  He cancelled concert dates to attend Caroline’s funeral, and support the family, but it still wasn’t enough.  Why couldn’t he have put his foot down and said No.  But he didn’t, and now he has to live with the guilt.  

Everyone advised him to move on, even his family, but he couldn’t.  He tried not to let his guilt bring down his performance.  He thought he could handle it, but obviously he couldn’t, for even Nick had noticed.  He had to get over this.  He had to move on.  He didn’t want to be the one who brought down the group.  Then he snorted to himself.  Never mind, I think Kevin, Brian, or AJ will beat me to it.  It was if everyone in the group was having a serious crisis in their life that was not only affecting themselves but their dedication to the group.

AJ kept missing cues, Kevin kept missing notes, Brian hardly smiles onstage, and Howie looks like he’s in another world.  The critics were the first ones to notice the sallow demeanor of the Boys and chew them to pieces in their articles.   Tales and rumors of the group wanting to break up began to surface among the fans and media.  The hype got so huge that the band actually had to hold a press conference concerning the matter.  They dismissed it with smiles… Big false smiles, for those rumors weren’t too far from the truth.  At the rate the Boys were going it would come as no surprise to Howie if the group were to disband later in the year.

AJ had become almost intolerable over the long months on tour.  Howie wished he could pinpoint the problem, but AJ just wouldn’t let anyone get close enough to him to help.  Though Howie could have if he had just kept pushing at him.  AJ, after all, is his best friend.  But Howie was trapped in his own world of sorrow, and didn’t have much time for anyone else’s.  Brian was different.  He used to be always quick to smile, loved to joke around and act silly.  Now he was serious, and hesitant to say much of anything around anyone.  Howie knew, as did everyone else, that Brian’s problem was his long-time girlfriend.  She wanted a proposal out of Brian, and he just wasn’t ready to give one to her yet.  Howie had no idea of how deep this went, but he knew that it was serious.  He ached for his brother, but just didn’t have the strength to help him.  Kevin.  Kevin was always a loner, and now, Howie guessed, he wished that he weren’t so alone.  Kevin was starting to show signs of a mid-life crisis at nowhere near mid-life.  Nick… was Nick.  Always the same, always the constant, and probably one of the main reasons everyone still climbed on that tour bus just about everyday and showed up for the shows.  Nick cared so much about the group, and the guys… Howie smiled slightly thinking about him, and how much they must be hurting him with their behavior.  He sighed and shut off the water.  What was he doing?  What were they all doing?