Chapter 4:

You Taught Me How to Love…

I flipped channels for the millionth time, but it didn’t change. Nothing was on. I stopped on MTV for a second but some show about a musician was on. It sucked.

Disgusted, I threw down the remote and trudged in the kitchen. Mom was in there, making stuff, even though we usually didn’t eat for a couple more hours.

“Can I help?” I asked absently. I was bored out of my mind, but cooking was fun sometimes.

Mom glanced up, surprised. “Alex, I thought you were doing something with Howie today.” It was Saturday—-Howie and I usually did do stuff. But not today. I’d called his house already, and Mama D said that he was out. Probably hanging around with Kev, his new buddy. I scowled.

“Nah, he’s out somewhere,” I said, distractedly, taking the eggs she handed me. I smiled. She still knew I liked cracking stuff.

“Oh really?” She was opening cupboards, trying to find something. I wasn’t sure what, and I didn’t really care, as long as I got to do the fun stuff like cracking eggs and dumping stuff together. I was expertly cracking the other egg on the side of the bowl when Mom found whatever she was looking for.

The mixer.

My eyes lit up. “Hey, Ma? Can I—“

“Alex, honey, do you know where the rest of this is?” She held it up so I could see. It was missing the funnest part. The little metal things that spin around. Damn.

“Should be in the same place the mixer is, right?” I tried, hoping that if she looked again, they’d be there.

“No, they should be in a drawer somewhere, with the silverware but I haven’t seen them. Can you look around?” she asked, pulling more ingredients out of the cupboards.

“Yeah,” I said, absently wiping my hands on my jeans. A second later, I looked down. The front of my legs was covered in runny, slimy egg crap.

“Shit!” I exclaimed. I sidestepped to the sink washing my hands off, so I could try to fix my pants.

“Alex James,” my mom said sharply.

“But I got egg on me!” I protested.

My mom stared hard at me. “I don’t care. I’m not listening to that.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled. Mom’s face relaxed in a smile and she held out an apron to me.

“You’re kiddin’!” I said, backing off. She laughed and came at me with it. “You wear that! It has frilly crap on it!” I balked.

“Aw, come on, Xander, it’ll go with your shirt.”

“Quit it!” I said, laughing, still backing away. My back hit the table and I ducked under it.

I felt her grab my shirt from the back and flinched. I drew myself under the table more.

All the sudden, I was back in my acting class from a couple months ago. Howie and Brian were there. Brian was holding something out to Howie but he wouldn’t take it. In a second, Brian was kneeling next to me and wedged the thing under my back. I could barely hear Brian’s apology. The pain was so intense that I almost blacked out.

I blinked again and I was back under the kitchen table. Feeling like an idiot, I crawled out and tried not to look upset.

Walking past Mom, I opened the dishwasher and found the beaters without trouble. I handed them to her and made my way out of the kitchen and back to the couch in the living room where I had been. I flipped the TV on and started going through channels again.

“Screw this shit!” I brought my arm across my eyes to try and get rid of the wetness. It wasn’t working near as good as I wanted it to.

I was so pissed with myself I couldn’t even think straight. I got up off the couch and was planning on going to my room, but Mom decided that just then was a perfect time for her to come out of the kitchen.

“Alex? Sweetie, is there something I can do?’ she asked.

Yeah, you can quit fucking touching my back, I thought, but didn’t say it. I knew that my mom already felt guilty. I could see it in her eyes. There was no way I would hurt her feelings more, even if she scared the hell out of me.

“I’m fine,” I lied not looking at her. “I’m just gonna go over and see if Brian’s home.” I started for the door, but Mom stopped me, putting a hand on my shoulder. I tried to hold still.

“Do you want a ride?” she asked. She knew I wouldn’t be able to walk there. It was way too far.

“No, never mind.” I walked back over to the couch, giving up. Mom followed and sat right by me.

“I’m sorry, honey. Are you okay?” I looked at her, deciding that I was looking into eyes just like mine. The same color, the same pain, the same sorrow as mine.

“Yeah, I’m okay. It’s, ah, just reflex, you know? I didn’t mean to.”

“I know,” she agreed. She met my gaze for a second before carefully putting her arm around me.

I tried to relax, but after something like that, it’s pretty damn hard. So I just concentrated on breathing in and out, and staying there until Mom was done doing her thing to make me feel better.

“So where’s Howie today?” she asked, changing the subject. I knew she was trying to help, but it just pissed me off. I didn’t want to show it though.

“Probably hangin’ somewhere with Kev...They’re buddies now, did you hear?”

“No,” she answered, and I stayed quiet.

“Alex, you know Howie’s always going to be there for you. It doesn’t matter if he gets to be friends with the other boys. You two have been best friends for so long.”

I’ve never figured out how she could do that. Knowing what I think, even when I don’t say it. I guess it’s some kind of radar or something.

“I guess,” I sulked.

“Alex,” Mom turned my face so I was looking at her. I hated it when she did that. “Howie’s never let you down before, and it doesn’t matter how many new friends he gets. You two are like brothers. I know it’s tough when things change. But trust me, sweetie. Be happy for Howard. Be happy for Kevin. Jealousy won’t get you anywhere.” I looked away, feeling like a retard that my mom figured out I was jealous. “Your feelings are yours, Alex. They’re valid. I’m just saying don’t get sucked into them for too long or you’ll miss out.”

“I know,” I answered softly. And I did know. I knew probably better than anyone else what hanging onto hard feelings can drive someone to. Because I’d been on the receiving end of it.

Giving my mom a quick peck on the cheek I got up and went to my room, picking up the phone. I dialed Kevin’s number.

“Yeah?”

“Kev, is Howie there?” I asked.

“No, I think he’s on his way over to your place. I called him earlier but he said he’d be busy and that he wanted to do something with you later.”

“Well do you and Nick and Brian want to come over too? We could all do something? My mom won’t care. She likes it. We’re making cookies,” I bribed.

“All right,” I could hear the smile in his voice. He knew what I was doing. “I’ll pick up Nicky and Brian on the way. See ya in a few, bro,” Kev answered.

“See ya,” I said, before hanging up.

I heard the door open, and I knew it was Howie.

“Hey Howard,” I called, coming down the hall. “The guys are coming over!’

“Oh yeah?” he said. I followed the sound of his voice into our kitchen. I saw him putting on Ma’s frilly apron.

“D, what the hell are you doing in that?” I asked. I turned to my mom. “The guys are coming over, and Kevin won’t wear one of those!”

Howie and me laughed, trying to picture Kevin in an apron.

“Jay, I don’t want my pants to end up lookin’ like yours, man!” He snickered, looking where the egg was now dried and crusty.

I pretended to ignore him, and picked up a spatula we were gonna use to get the stuff off the side of the bowl after mixing it and slapped Howie’s ass with it.

Quickly, I darted away, laughing hysterically, as Howie tried to run in the apron. It wasn’t long ‘til I didn’t hear him chase me anymore, and I made my way cautiously in the kitchen again. Before I knew it, I was covered in flour and Howie and my mom were almost on the ground. They thought they were so funny.

I walked up to Howie who was slapping his knees helplessly and wiped a hand across his face, leaving a white stripe. I came at my mom with my arms out and she squealed.

“Alexander! Don’t even think about it!” she tried hiding behind Howie, but he was too small.

“Mama!” I called in a baby voice, “Lalex love Mama!” Before she could move anymore I caught her and wrapped my arms around her. My lips met her cheek and when I pulled away she was covered in white.