Chapter 8:

Never Thought That I’d Be Left Behind, That I Was Stronger Than You

I hung up with my mom a couple minutes later. Nick and Howie were still staring at me. I stared back, strangely not feeling very much of anything. It felt like I’d gone completely numb except the anxiety that kept rising in my chest to remind me that Kevin might not make it.

I looked both guys in the face. Howie was leaning forward, with his hands on his knees, still looking pale from earlier. Nick’s eyebrows were raised a little, like he was waiting for something to happen—for a bomb to drop.

“It’s bad,” I said flatly. Howie’s head dropped in his hands, and I could see him start saying stuff quietly to himself. “It’s really bad.” I repeated, kind of hoping that he’d look back up so I could finish.

“Jay, just say what. It’s okay.” Nick encouraged.

“Y-You don’t get it. I said it’s BAD.” I spat the word out like it was foul. Somehow, even though I was numb, I was shaking and I couldn’t convince myself to say what it was aloud. Because I couldn’t really believe it. Not deep down.

Howie came over to me then, and I backed off automatically, not wanting him to touch me. I couldn’t take it then. By reflex, I flinched as he came over.

“Jay, come on. Sit down. It’ll be all right.” He was worried. I probably was scaring the crap out of both of them.

But I couldn’t sit. I had to keep moving. I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge but the sight of food nauseated me. I wasn’t even really seeing anything; I was just like a zombie. Nothing got through to me except the fear. Kevin was having surgery on his brain. They might not be able to fix him. He might die just like I almost did.

Without giving myself extra time to think about it, I walked back in the room, where Nick and Howie were talking quietly. They stopped when I came in.

“Kev’s in surgery,” I said in a rush, glancing quick at Howie before I kept going. “He got a hemorrhage in his brain, and my mom said we should pray.”

Nick looked totally confused at what I’d said and I was not in the mood to repeat it. Howie whispered to him shortly and I saw a shadow cross Nick’s face. He was too young to deal with this crap. Hell, so were all of us.

Somewhere, it still felt like I was talking about someone else. Not Kevin. Not the guy who looked out for me, not the guy who clocked his own cousin because he’d made me upset. Not Kevin who told me I was doing good when I first started to sing again, or told me the words that started me healing. I could still hear them, like he was in the room.

Alex, I swear, I wouldn’t have gotten over it! Not ever!

“Yeah, well!” I heard myself shouting, “I won’t get over it either, Kev! So you better get the hell better!” Before I knew what I was doing, I picked up my mom’s mug from the coffee table and flung it mercilessly against the wall.

I heard movement behind me and I figured Howie was gonna try to get a hold of me or some damn thing. I didn’t wanna give him the chance, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the wall. Mom’s coffee cup seemed to be flying in slow motion.

I watched it shatter, feeling like my heart had been hurled across the room and broken into millions of pieces. Except I couldn’t do a damn thing about my heart. It was smashed into the ground by the unknown. By that bastard called AVM.