Chapter 1

Kevin blinked once, twice. His thoughts were hazy, vague with confusion, as he regarded his surroundings. The field to the left... the path that wound by the trees in front of him... the grouping of pines...

It was the Camp. He had been coming to this place ever since he’d been a boy. It was a familiar spot, and the bench he was seated on was his favorite. Instead of bringing a smile to his face, however, he felt a stab of panic. How-

How had he gotten here?

The Camp seemed deserted, an unusual state on such a sunny day. There should be kids running and laughing, people strolling along the pathways, staff within eyesight ... but there was no one. No activity, no movement save the swaying of branches in the light breeze. He stood uncertainly, his confusion growing. Apprehensively he scanned the area, not understanding what had happened. He’d been...

Kevin stopped, unable to remember what he’d been doing. Concentrating didn’t help; he couldn’t seem to clarify his memory. He recalled bits and pieces of rehearsal with the guys, but that had been at night. Now it was early afternoon.

He started down the trail cautiously. Surely someone would come along any moment and break the surreal spell that was cast on the Camp; he thought of calling out but it seemed foolish. He continued along for five minutes, encountering no one at all. The lake was empty, no canoes cutting across the glassy surface, no daredevil rope-swingers plunging into the cool water from the heavy oak branch dedicated to that purpose. There was not a sign of life anywhere, not even birdsong in the trees. His puzzlement began to grow into fear as a chill swept through him. He called out, not worried anymore about being foolish, but got no reply. The sky above him took on a greenish cast, disturbing the young singer even more.

"Hello? Anyone here? What’s going on?" he shouted, striving to keep the fear out of his voice. A creaking sound behind him spun him back towards the central Lodge; then, the sharp and unmistakable thwak of an axe splitting wood broke the stillness. He practically ran towards the noise, fear and trepidation on his heels. Kevin slowed his step as he reached the clearing, wondering who he was about to meet. He stopped when he spied a figure ahead of him. The person… it was a man, with dark hair and a tall stature… had his back to Kevin as he swung an axe at yet another log. He approached with a good deal of puzzlement; a moment later, an odd feeling of anxiety flashed through him as the figure stopped, gathered the split wood, and tossed them on a pile nearby. There was something terribly familiar…

When the man turned fully around, Kevin froze.

The shock of seeing who it was stole his voice and blanked his thoughts for several heartbeats. The man simply stood there, arms crossed, waiting for a response.

"D-Dad?" he said shakily, his green eyes wide with disbelief. He took a few steps forward automatically.

"Kevin." He said the name matter-of-factly, regarding his son with evenness.

"But... I..." Overwhelmed, he stopped, fighting the mix of emotions that were trying to get control. A wash of dizziness made the scene wobble and the elder Richardson reached out calmly to steady him. Kevin stared at the hand on his arm and began to tremble.

"Let’s sit down," came the suggestion as the man nodded towards a nearby bench. Numbly Kevin complied, finding his voice at last.

"Oh my God, Dad, is it... is it really you? How? What-?"

Gerald smiled, the look bringing a thousand memories with it. "It’s me. Honest."

"You’re... but you died!"

"Well, technically, yes. It doesn’t mean I stopped being."

"I don’t understand," he said, lost. Suddenly a thought occurred. "Wait. This is a dream, right?"

"No dream. This is very, very real." The older man watched him closely, seeing the confusion evident in green eyes. He saw another thought transform his son’s face.

"Does that mean…” He paused, his voice tinged with fear. “Am I... dead?"

At that, Gerald touched his son’s shoulder. With a gentle shake of his head he spoke. "Not dead, yet."

His simple statement chilled Kevin to his very soul. He shivered in the sun, unable to feel the slightest warmth. "What’s happening? What is this place?"

His father sighed lightly. "This is your, ah, Waiting Place. Where you must decide."

"Decide?"

"To live or die. To fight for life, or to give up your physical self and move on."

"I still don’t understand. You’re saying I’m on the brink of... of death? I feel fine! How could that be true?"

"You were always so impatient," he declared, softening the words with a smile. "I’m not sure I can explain, but I’ll try. Something has happened to you, injuring your body in the physical world. The injuries are severe, but you have the capacity to survive. The capacity, but not, apparently, the commitment. Which brings me to an important question: why are you here?"

"Why? But I don’t know what’s-"

"All your life you have been a fighter, Kev. You’ve reveled in living, devoted your life’s work to improving the world around you. Yet, here you are. That fact speaks volumes to me, and I’ve been sent to discover what’s going on. What’s happened that your will to survive is so diminished?"

"But of course I want to live!" he said defiantly.

With a disapproving frown Gerald replied, "You are here. This is no mistake. Kevin," he said quietly, "talk to me. We shared everything during our time together. I see the pain around you, feel your despair. You’re tired, son, I can see it in your eyes. That kind of weariness disturbs me. It’s not like you; tell me what’s been going on."

Kevin regarded his father for a long moment, knowing he would be able to see the truth. A glance at the sky, darkening as he watched, gave him time to summon a bit of courage. "Yeah," he said at last. "I guess I am… tired. I don’t know if I can handle being… being who I’m supposed to be any more. Lately, things haven’t been...” He paused. “They’ve been difficult.”

"What things?" came the gentle prompt.

It took a moment before he could speak. "Everything." His voice was shaky and the trembling began again. "Dad, I feel like that no matter how much I do, it’s not enough.”

“This isn’t about your music, is it?” Gerald said slowly.

“The music is going well,” Kevin said, shifting a bit. “Better than ever, actually. I’ve been doing some new stuff-“ He cut off his words, dismissing the thought. “No, the music is fine. We just finished touring, and are getting ready to work on some new material for the next album.” He stared at his hands. “I’ll finally get a chance to spend some time with Kristen, once she comes back from the West coast.” Emerald eyes snapped up, staring at his father’s face. “Kristen, she- we got married-“

“I know, son,” Gerald said with a smile. “I was there. I can tell you love her; she is a wonderful woman. You aren’t having problems with her, are you?”

“Problems? Not any huge problems, but… I never see her enough. The very idea of spending more than a few days in each other’s company seems alien. I want to be a good husband to her, but it’s kind of hard when we’re not together. I feel like I’m failing her.”

“She said this?”

“No, of course not. But still…”

“What about the Boys? You not getting along?”

Kevin looked uncomfortable. “It’s not that we’re not getting along, it’s just… I’m not sure how to handle some issues that have come up recently.”

“Issues, such as…”

“Well, take Nick,” Kevin said, exasperated. “He keeps doing these things that he knows bother me, and it’s beginning to drive me crazy. I’m getting sick of his… his antics. Every time I get on his case, straighten things out, he goes right back and does something even more ridiculous.”

“Sounds like he’s looking for some attention.”

“I’m not his father,” Kevin declared. “I’m not the one who is supposed to be keeping him in line and doling out discipline. He’s too old for that stuff.”

“Maybe he’s not looking for a father figure, Kevin. Maybe he’s looking for a friend.”

“Then why act like a kid?” came the reply.

“I suspect that’s all he’s ever known, with you. He’s young, yes, but not that young. He’s about your age when the group started, you realize. He needs a friend, I’m thinking, but doesn’t know quite how to go about it. Changing relationships is hard at best.”

“Well, it’s not just Nick...” Kevin cast his gaze to the ground once again. “There’s AJ.”

“I thought you two got along just fine.”

“Dad, there’s something that’s going on with him, what I don’t know. He’s changing, getting wilder and… I don’t know, it’s like he’s buying into that whole public image thing. I feel like I should step in and give him advice, but he’s not listening. Sometimes I think he’s on the verge of letting me in, then the door slams. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, how I can fix things.”

“You can’t solve anyone’s troubles but your own, Kevin,” Gerald said. “AJ has to follow his own path, make his own mistakes. You are doing exactly what you should be doing… being there in case he needs you. He’ll have to face his own problems by himself, when the time is right.”

“So I’m supposed to watch him crash and burn?” Kevin said incredulously.

“If that’s what’s meant to be, yes,” came the flat reply. “But don’t worry, he’s stronger than even he realizes. What about the rest?”

“Howie, he’s been doing great, he’s getting really involved in other projects, I barely see him when we’re not on tour. I’m glad he’s so busy, but… I dunno. Brian is kind of the same way. We hardly ever spend time together, he’s always so focused on Leigh. I miss some of that, that closeness.” He frowned. “That sounds really whiney and childish, doesn’t it?”

“No,” the older man said. “Wanting closeness in your life is all part of being human.” Gerald regarded the sky for a moment. “You got a lot of responsibility on your shoulders, Kev… been that way for a long time. Tell me, son, who do you turn to when it’s your time to be comforted?”

“I…”

“Kristen is there, I know; that’s part of what being married is all about. But you said yourself you don’t see her that often. So what do you do?”

“I don’t know,” Kevin said defeatedly. “I… there’s no one.”

“Is that because no one cares, or because you don’t let too many in on your problems, give them the chance to help out?”

The question generated a small bit of pain. “Well…“

“Kevin,” his father cut in sharply. “Answer the question, and I want to hear it true.”

Kevin took a deep breath and felt his shoulders slump. “I don’t think I should need anyone’s support, Dad.”

“Not good enough.”

Kevin stood and did a quick pace. Turning back to his awaiting father, he ran his hand through his hair and said, “I’m supposed to be a role model, the sensible one, the steadiest and most level-headed. I should be able to handle my problems on my own without relying on anyone else.”

Surprisingly, the older man laughed. “Is that what you’ve convinced yourself to believe? Who do you think you are, Kevin? You don’t have a big ‘S’ on your chest, and that ain’t a red cape flying behind you. What would you say if someone… Nick for instance… told you exactly what you’ve just told me?”

“That’s different,” Kevin argued. “Nick’s still a kid, he-”

“You still have a lot of growing to do, yourself,” came the firm interruption. “You’ve had a lot on your plate, son. I know it hasn’t been easy, and you’ve had to be tough to survive. But there’s a lesson you seem to have skipped: there’s no shame in leaning on others. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength.”

Kevin was hit by the words. Not too long ago, he’d heard them come from another person, someone who had been worried about him. He blinked, then raised his eyes to his father’s. “Nick said the exact same thing a while back.”

“Hmm,” Gerald said. “Maybe he’s not such a kid after all, huh?”

Kevin had no answer.

After a moment, the older man stood and walked over to his son, putting an arm across his shoulder. “All these things might be troubling you enough, but I think there’s something else you’re not telling. There’s something big that drove you here, to this place, to me. I want to know.”

“Dad, it’s…”

“Kevin,” came the soft plea. “This is serious. There’s a lot at stake here. You know what I am referring to.”

Despite the fear that churned in his stomach, Kevin swallowed and cleared his throat. “Yeah, I do. But it’s so damned hard.”

“All the important stuff is.”

Kevin stared at the ground. He had never really told anyone about the incident, and it wasn’t easy to find the words. Finally, in a voice that was just above a whisper, he began.

"When we’re not touring, we do some charity stuff for local hospitals and such. Sometimes we visit the children’s wards, sometimes we sing, a lot of times we hold special autograph sessions. Nothing much, but it seems to cheer up the kids that are having a tough time.” He paused, wincing. “Well, there was this young girl, just 12 years old, named Anna. She had written this letter… she said I was her favorite, and that it was her dream to meet me. We get a lot of letters like that, but there was something about it… I don’t know. She said that when we had come through her hospital, she hadn’t been able to make because of some tests she was having done, but wanted to thank us for thinking of kids like her. I tracked down her number and spoke to her on the phone one day, she was so thrilled. It was only five minutes, but I felt like I’d done some good. She seemed so full of laughter and energy... you should have heard the excitement in her voice. I told her that we’d planned another stop at the hospital she was in near the end of the month, and that I’d make a special point to meet her in person if she was still there. I almost forgot about her during the next few days, but then I got this urgent message. It was her mother-”

He stopped, swallowing against the pain. “She said that Anna had a sudden bad turn and there didn’t seem to be a lot of time left. The doctors didn’t hold out much hope, so she was wondering if I could come and bring the smile back to her daughter’s face one last time.” Tears glistened in Kevin’s eyes as he remembered. “How could I refuse?” he said. “Of course, I went, but they didn’t tell me what was wrong with her, she’d never mentioned it and I forgot to ask. When I got there, she-“ He stopped, clenching his jaw. He could still see the horribly thin girl, her face as pale as the white sheet beneath her, tubes and wires…

"She what, son?” Gerald prompted gently.

"On the phone, she was so... so cheerful, full of life, Dad. In just those five minutes we spoke, she actually got me to laugh, can you believe it? It was the first time I’d laughed like that in a long time. She was such a pretty girl, too; she’d sent me a picture with her letter. Her smile was like looking at a spot of sunshine in a dark corner. B-but when I met her mother at the hospital, and she led me up to the ward…”

“What happened?”

A tear trailed down Kevin’s face as he met his father’s caring gaze. “I didn’t realize where we were headed until I saw the sign above the ward doors.. D-Dad, she had c-“ He stopped, unable to continue.

“She had cancer,” the older man finished. “Like me.”

“Oh, God, yes,” Kevin cried. “All the terrible memories, all that pain, came flooding back. I almost lost it, right then and there. I wanted to run down the hall, away from that horrible place. But the look in her mother’s eyes… I…”

"But you didn’t leave, did you?” he asked softly. “Despite how much it hurt.”

Kevin’s voice shook with emotion. “No, I couldn’t. I… I made myself go through the door. She was so pale, so thin. Her skin seemed almost transparent. Her father was in there holding her hand, but got up from his chair as soon as he saw me. He gave me a hug and thanked me for coming, then stepped outside to be with his wife and give us some privacy.” Kevin blinked against the scene that was still so vivid in his mind. “Anna was asleep, I could barely tell she was breathing. I sat down and took her hand… it was so cold… but I didn’t know what else to do. I sat there for a while, I don’t know how long, trying to figure out what to do next, when she opened her eyes.”

He took a deep breath. When he spoke again, his voice was full of pain. “Her eyes had that glazed look… at first I didn’t think she saw me, but then they got wide as she realized who I was. She smiled, Dad… but I could tell she knew exactly what was happening to her. She gave me this smile and tried to clench my hand. I said hello and the first words out of her mouth were to thank me f-for coming.”

The words seized in his chest and he allowed his father to guide him back to the bench. After a few deep breaths, he continued.

“Gone was the excited, energetic girl I met on the phone. Instead there was this… this shell. To see her that way, lying there so helpless, s-so…” He fought for words. “So…”

“So like me.”

Those three words of truth were all it took. Kevin put his head in his hands and allowed all the loneliness and grief and guilt and frustration to flood to the surface. He sobbed bitterly, heedless of anything but the raw emotions that had taken over.

Gerald Richardson wrapped his arms around his son, cradling him in an embrace. For several minutes, not a sound was heard except for the ragged statement of anguish coming from the young man who had held so much in for so long. When the sobs had weakened, the older man finally spoke.

“My son, you did make a difference. To her… to me. There wasn’t a thing you could have done to save her life, or mine… but you made part of it very special. You’ve been holding on to the pain so tight, never allowed it to ease. Kevin, I don’t want you to have any more pain because of what happened with Anna, or with me. Let it go. Let it all go."

A new flood of tears escaped the Boy, much to his dismay. But his father simply held him tighter, allowing the tears to soak into his shirt. Kevin dimly remembered being comforted in much the same way as a child, upset over nightmares or disappointments or injustices long since forgotten. His father had always been there, back then. And for a moment, Kevin allowed himself to be consoled.

It didn’t last long. Kevin fought for control, fought against the heaviness of despair that threatened to drown him. He returned his father’s embrace tightly, in thanks, before he drew back a bit. Trembling with reaction, he fought to steady his hands as he wiped away the wetness on his cheeks. Only then did he become aware of what was happening around him. The sky above had darkened ominously and he looked at it with a pensive, confused statement.

His father followed his gaze. "Time is almost up. There’s something I have to show you before you leave, before you make your decision. Come on, walk with me."

Kevin rose slowly, taking the offered hand. They walked a short distance until he saw a large flower garden to the right. He knew it shouldn’t be in the Camp, but for some reason it simply… belonged there.

"This is your Garden, son. It represents the good work you have done in your lifetime. You have so many beautiful flowers here. For every person you have truly helped, for every effort you’ve made to better your world, for everyone who has been touched by your love and kindness and strength, there is a flower."

"But... it’s not even halfway full," he commented carefully.

His father remained silent while Kevin thought of the implications of his statement.

After a moment, Gerald pointed to a particularly beautiful purple bloom. "This one, here, belongs to the little girl that recently Crossed. Anna."

"I didn’t do anything for her," he said bitterly. “She could barely talk, just ten minutes passed before she fell asleep. She…” He swallowed hard. “She died that night, so they told me later.”

"But you were there to hold her hand, when she was scared and in need of some magic. You gave her something to smile about, even so close to her ending. Because of you, her last day was special. It was a gift beyond price to her."

A red flash, like lightning, lit the sky with a strange intensity. Off in the distance Kevin heard an odd wailing, too elusive to identify.

“Kevin, you have a lot of chances ahead of you, a lot of opportunities to make a difference somewhere. You can do so much for the environment, with your JWR foundation… you can be a great example to countless young people with your music and ideals. Kristen needs you in her life, there’s so much in front of you there too. I’m proud of what you’ve accomplished so far, but son… you have so much potential. You can do even more, help in even bigger ways. You doubt your strength, your abilities… but you have to push past that doubt. There’s a battle ahead of you, one that you are capable of winning if you want to. Really want to.”

“A battle?”

“For your very survival,” he said gravely. “My son, the time to choose is at hand. I know your life is not easy right now, but it is this life that you must fight to keep. I don’t think your work on Earth is done, but that’s really your decision. Just think on what I said. Consider how many people you have enriched by coming into their lives. Think of how many more there are in need of your help and generosity, of the potential you have of creating happiness. Don’t underestimate yourself. Remember, things change. People change, situations arise, emotions grow and fade. The future is unknowable, always in flux. What seems a hopeless situation one day can be resolved on another. Hope is worth holding on to, Kev. You must keep your dreams alive with every bit of the strength you posses. They are too important, you are too important to waste the chance."

"Can you tell me what’s going to happen in the future? With the group, with Kris and our plans?"

"I can’t say what is in store for you and Kristen, but remember that should you choose not to fight this battle, all the dreams you began with her will vanish. It’s the same with the others. They all love you so very much, I have no doubt that they would fight for you, if that were possible. But it’s up to you, and you only."

Suddenly Kevin felt wetness on his shirt. When he looked down, he felt a stab of panic mixed with confusion. His entire shirtfront was covered in blood. An icy chill swept past him and he shivered violently against it.

"What the-?"

A red flash, followed seconds later by another. The wail was intensifying, beginning to modulate slightly.

"You are being drawn back, Kevin. Your time is at hand." Gerald smiled and gave him a quick, last hug. "Remember you are always loved, and that you are never truly alone."

“Dad, wait!” he cried as his father stepped back. Before he could utter a single word more, his father vanished in a blink.

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