Chapter 4

Nick walked down the hall blindly, trying desperately to resist the tears that threatened. With each step he berated himself for his weakness, his ridiculous behavior first at the accident scene and then in Howie’s room. He nearly collided with someone as he cleared a corner; quick reflexes saved them both from a mishap. He mumbled an apology, not even looking the person in the eye, and ducked into an open elevator. He didn’t know where he was going, he only wanted to get away.

He sniffed back the threat of tears and bit the inside of his lip, determined not to have yet another embarrassing public display. The other two occupants, a woman and a small girl, barely glanced his way, a fact he was deeply grateful for. When the elevator stopped at their floor, he exited as well. He had walked down the corridor a fair distance before he saw the sign hung above: Neonatal Care. He paused for a second, not quite sure what that meant, then realized he was on the ‘baby’ floor. He needed time and solitude to get his thoughts sorted, and he seriously doubted AJ or Brian would think to look for him in that particular ward. He figured that until someone told him to leave, he’d hang out there for a while.

There was a small alcove that fit his needs perfectly. Surrounded by windows that looked out across the hospital grounds, the seating area was comfortable and, more importantly, empty. He chose a chair facing the central window and sank down gracelessly. He rubbed his eyes tiredly, and took a few deep breaths as he settled down to think.

The horrifying image of Kevin bleeding onto the wet, black pavement sprang to mind almost instantly, and he choked back a sob. He shook his head in defiance, willing the vision to fade. He’d never seen his oldest brother so helpless, so… vulnerable. For some reason, the idea that Kevin could be hurt, seriously hurt, didn’t seem possible. He was one of the strongest people he knew. For the life of him, Nick couldn’t wrap his mind around the idea that Kevin was… that he might…

That he might die.

The thought sent a terrified chill through his soul. How could it have happened that quickly? Not twenty minutes before the accident, they had all been joking and making plans for the next day. He’d never seen an accident scene up close; it was a million times worse than anything he’d imagined, anything he’d seen at the movies or on television. He wished he could go back and erase the images, change what had happened, but he knew he couldn’t.

He didn’t understand how the others were staying so together. Didn’t they realize how bad things were? AJ said that Kevin had asked for his father, called out like he could see him. That was the most terrifying part of all: his father had died years ago, and that could only mean that Kevin was just on the edge of death itself.

Nick wiped away the traitorous wetness on his cheek and drew his knees up, wrapping his arms around them and lowering his head. He simply couldn’t imagine Kevin not being in his life any more. Who would he turn to when he needed advice or answers? Who could he go to with problems about his career or love life? It was Kevin who had helped him overcome homesickness, loneliness, and a few broken hearts over the years. Kevin who had taken care of him when he was sick and needing comfort; Kevin who helped him believe in his dreams and to strive for more. There were some new issues he’d wanted opinions on, some really big stuff; now, he wasn’t sure Kevin would be around to ask. And what would happen to the BSB? He didn’t even know what life would be like without the group, had never seriously considered it. He wasn’t sure he could do anything else.

He couldn’t help the tears that slipped past his resolve. How long he sat like that he had no clue, but eventually the pounding in his head grew too intense to ignore. He unfolded, stretched, and leaned forward toward the windows and the night beyond.

His thoughts were interrupted by a rather pronounced growl from his stomach. He glanced at his watch, dully noting that it was past midnight. His headache hitched up a degree and he decided that finding a soda machine would be his best bet.

First, though, he found a restroom so he could splash some cold water on his face. He stared in shock when he caught his reflection in the mirror: he looked like hell. His eyes were red and swollen; tear tracks were easily visible on his overly pale face. It took a few minutes and a lot of cold water to make himself minimally presentable. He resumed his quest, looking -if not feeling- somewhat better.

There was a row of snack machines not too far away and he quickly made a selection. He had no appetite, but the soda was cold and sweet, and the bubbles seemed to calm his stomach a bit. He walked back to the alcove and resumed his seat, lost in thought once again.

A reflection in the glass broke him out of his mental wanderings. He turned around out of mild curiosity; he was met by a pair of weary, dark eyes. It was a girl… no, a woman… about his age, her extended tummy evidence of her advanced pregnancy. She looked worn out, as if she hadn’t rested in days. She managed a thin smile.

“Hi,” she said as she rubbed her lower back with one hand.

“Hi there,” he replied uncertainly.

“Am I intruding?” she asked tiredly.

“No, here… sit down,” he said, quickly getting up and offering his seat.

“There’s plenty of chairs,” she said with a vague look of puzzlement.

“This one has the best view,” he provided. “Are you… okay?”

She lowered herself awkwardly onto the chair and let out a large breath. “I will be as soon as Junior here decides to stop faking me out and make his debut.”

“Huh?”

“I’ve been in labor all day,” she said unhappily. At his alarmed look, she gave him a truer smile. “Don’t worry, I’m not about to give birth during the next ten minutes. You’re safe.”

He ran a hand through his hair and relaxed a bit. “Is this, um, your first baby?”

“Yeah,” she said, patting her stomach. “Might be my last if he doesn’t get the ball rolling. Don’t believe that ‘joys of motherhood’ story for a second.”

Nick didn’t know how to reply, so he remained silent.

“My name’s Jeannie,” she said.

“I’m Nick,” he answered.

“I know,” she said, surprising him. “I recognized your face. It figures that I’d meet someone famous when I look my absolute worst.”

“I think you look great,” he blurted before he could stop himself.

She laughed. “You’re being kind, but thanks. How come you’re here? Girlfriend having a baby?”

“Oh, no,” he said, blushing a bit. “No, my… someone I know was in an accident earlier. I kinda needed to get away for a while, you know?”

“And here I am bothering you.” She struggled to rise, accepting his hand when offered. “I’m sorry. I should be walking anyway.”

“No, I… do you mind if I walk with you? Ah, my legs need stretching.” He hovered close, a slight look of apprehension on his face.

She grinned. “Nick, trust me, I’m not about to become a mother yet. But if you want to walk, sure. Come on.”

They walked slowly down the corridor, past the vending machines and on to a large glassed-in viewing area. There, behind the windows, were eleven tiny babies dressed in blues and pinks. Jeannie touched the cool surface of the glass and smiled.

“Beautiful, aren’t they?” she said in a soft voice. “But not as beautiful as my baby will be. I know it."

Nick gazed at all the new life before them. He looked at Jeannie’s face and saw a tired but joyful smile there.

“I bet you’re right,” he said. “Do you know if it will be a boy or a girl?”

“I chose to be surprised. All I really want is a healthy baby.”

“What names have you picked out?”

“I like Lauren Renee for a girl… but a boy, hmm. I’ve always liked Nickolas Gene.”

Azure eyes grew wide; he couldn’t tell if she were teasing or not. “Uh, wouldn’t that bother your husband… er, or boyfriend… whatever?”

At that, she smiled and gave a resolved sigh. “Nope, he’s out of the picture. It’s me and Junior, just the two of us.” She sighed and stretched a little. “You know,” she said quietly, “I never expected it to be like this. All of a sudden, my life will shift from being ‘me, me, me’ to ‘him’ or ‘her’. I won’t be the most important person in my world any longer. That sounds strange, but I think it’s the best thing to ever happen to me. A year ago I was so self-centered it was pathetic. But now, it’s my turn to give, my turn to offer comfort and love and caring.” She gave another sigh and winced. “Sorry, chalk it up to pregnancy hormones. I’m sure you don’t need to hear me go on and on about my personal philosophy on life.”

“No, it’s okay,” he replied. “It’s something I never had to think about.”

“Well, I better get back to my room before they send out the search parties,” Jeannie said. “Thanks for talking, and good luck with your friend.”

“Thanks, and good luck with the baby.” He watched as she shuffled away, thinking over her words as they echoed in his head.

…A year ago I was so self-centered it was pathetic. But now, it’s my turn to give, my turn to offer comfort and love and caring…

Nick realized, in a sudden burst of clarity, that he had been acting incredibly selfish. Not an hour ago, he had been agonizing about how much his life was going to change if something happened to Kevin. About how it all would affect him, Nick Carter. How self-centered was that? Jeannie was facing something so huge, yet she had figured it out. Instead of thinking about himself, he shoud be focusing on Kevin, on how to help him. And not only Kevin, the rest of his brothers, and Kristen when she got there.

He blinked at the thought. Yes, Kevin needed him, now more than ever. No matter what happened, he had to stop thinking about himself. He only hoped he would be equal to the task.

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