The Hall Monitor
By Kate
Act I; Scene I
(The Backstreet Boys and N’Sync are in a classroom, all except
Lance. He stands at the podium in front
with an ugly black and white dress and heavy makeup. He brings out a chart and
reads it.)
Lance: Today’s hall monitor is… (Looks at the last name, “Howard Dorough”.
His eyes widen and he whispers:) Howie? (looks
up and speaks) Kevin! Kevin is the
new hall moniter!
Kevin: I’ve…done…it…five…times…al…ready.
Lance: Brian!
Brian: (looking
up from his Bible) No way, Mrs. Bass!
Lance: Justin!
Justin: Mah hair be too beautiful to be da hall
monider! What if id gaht dirty? Ah’d just die!
Lance: Chris!
JC: He graduated!
(by this time, Howie is up at Lance’s side, poking him. Lance
sighs heavily)
Lance: Oh, all right. The new hall moniter is… (gulps hard) Howie.
(Howie’s eyes get wide and his legs are sucked into his body.
Flames erput from the spots where his legs were and he bursts around the room.)
Howie: YAAAAA-HOOOOOOO!!! (he comes back down and his legs regenerate. Lance hold out the hat and
belt to him.) I can’t accept those yet, Mrs. Bass! I have to make my hall moniter speech. (he talks for the rest of the class day)
In conclusion… (the bell rings and
everyone rushes out, cheering wildly. Howie goes to the door and looks
depressed. Lance comes up beside him.) I guess I overdid the speech, huh? (sighs heavily) Ah, well. (he
looks to the hall moniter hat and belt) I hardly knew ya. (he begins to walk away)
Lance: Howie, wait.
Howie: (looks back) Yes, Mrs. Bass?
Lance: (hesistates) I…I guess I can let you wear them for the day.
Howie: (races
back up and snatches the hat and belt and puts them on quickly) Thanks,
Mrs. Bass! (he runs off)
Lance: What are the consequences of what I’ve
just done?
Act I; Scene II
(Howie is walking down the sidewalk, humming happily. He comes to an intersection. The
streetlights are broken and the cars are stuck.)
Howie: Broken traffic lights! Who’s to say my hall moniter duties can’t
exist just because the bell rang?
(he appears in the intersection with a whistle. He directs the
cars for awhile. When he’s done, he smiles in satisfaction and dusts his hands
off.)
Howie: What would this town do without ya,
Howie?
(as he walks, the same cars he directed have crashed and people scream
and moan. A man can be heard shouting, “My leg! My leg!” Howie walks away from it and then stumbles upon a melted
patch of ice cream.)
Howie: Spilled ice cream! (he reaches down and wipes some off with his finger. Sticking his
finger in his mouth, he tastes it.) Hmmm…strawberry! (he gets hit with another glob of melted ice cream from above. He looks
up and sees Nick on a brick wall above him. The screen flashes to Nick, who
licks his ice cream contentedly.)
Howie: Nick!
(Nick stops licking the ice cream and looks around.)
Howie: Nick!
(Nick looks at his ice cream cone and pokes it.)
Howie: Nick!!
Nick: AHH! My ice cream!!
IT’S….ALIIIIVVVEEE!!! (he drops it in his
horror)
Howie: Nick, I’m down here.
Nick: (looking
down) Oh, hi Howie! (he jumps down
from the wall onto Howie. He looks around for him.) Howie?
Howie: You’re sitting on me, Nick.
(Nick gets up and looks at Howie, who’s squashed flat.)
Nick: You look funny, Howie!
Howie: (plops back up and writes on a pad of paper) That’s Hall Moniter Dorough to you!
Nick: Sorry, officer.
Howie: Nick, you’ve comitted a serious crime.
Nick: I did?!
(Howie points at the spilled ice cream and the cone nearby.)
Nick: Oh, I’m a failure! I don’t wanna go to
jail!
(suddenly, a newspaper boy runs up to them and hands Howie a
newspaper. He then runs off.)
Howie: (reading)
Maniac hits Orlando…car wrecks…! (gasps)
Who better to bring this maniac to justice than the Hall Moniter?? But I can’t
do it alone… (he looks at Nick) Are
you ready to give up your days of crime?
Nick: (sobbing)
I wanna be good!
Howie: Now you just need a symbol of
authority.
(Nick picks up the ice cream cone and sticks it on his head. He
winks and points to it.)
Howie: Great!
Now, you’re an ex-criminal. What
would you do?
Nick: Hmmm…I’d get an ice cream!
(Nick and Howie walk out of an ice-cream shop, licking their
cones. They stop at the sidewalk and Howie looks at Nick.)
Howie: Okay, now what?
Nick: Hmm…
(Nick and Howie walk out of the ice cream shop again, licking the
cones. They stop and Howie throws his
ice cream out.)
Howie: This isn’t working. We need to do something…something with… (He pulls out two walkie-talkies)
walkie-talkies! (He hands one to Nick,
who gasps and hugs it close) You go that way… (Points right) and I’ll go, uh…some other way. If you see the maniac, put on your siren. (He runs off with his walkie-talkie)
Whee-whoo, whee-whoo, whee-whoo, whee-whoo… (whee-whoo’s
fade away as he disappears. A police car pulls up to Nick, still standing at
the ice cream shop.)
Nick: Hello, brothers. (He points to the cone on his head and raises his eyebrows twice. The
policemen roll their eyes.)
Policeman 1: Yeah.
Son, we’re looking for the maniac.
Have you seen… (The policeman
beside him holds out a crude sketch of Howie) THIS MAN?!
Nick: AAAHHHH!!! IT’S THE MANIAC!!! Take him
away, take him away!!
Policeman 2: (takes
the drawing away) Calm down, son. It’s just a drawing. Now, we’re going to show you this picture
again, and you’ll tell us if you’ve seen this man. Understand?
Nick: (thinks
for a bit, then nods) Uh-huh, okay.
(The policemen show him the picture)
Nick: AHH! HORRIBLE!!
(The policemen smirk at each other. They keep showing and hiding the
picture. Every time they bring it out, Nick screams. After awhile, they stop.)
Policeman 1: Stay indoors, son.
Policeman 2: And, uh, take that cone off your head! (They drive away, laughing.)
(Nick gets out his walkie-talkie)
Nick: Nick to Howie, come in Howie!
(The screen flashes to Howie, who takes out his walkie-talkie)
Howie: This is Howie. Report, deputy.
Nick: I don’t wanna be a police officer
anymore! I’m scared!
Howie: Get a hold of yourself, deputy!
Nick: (sobs
uncontrollably) I wanna go home!
Howie: (shakes
his head, rolling his eyes with a tiny smile. He winks a few times.) Oh,
rookie. Okay, I’m on my way back. (He walks off. The screen flashes to Nick.)
Nick: Hurry, Howie. I think it’s starting to
get… (The sun falls from the sky)
dark.
Howie: Put on your siren and I’ll come find
you.
Nick: (weakly,
walking around) Whee-whoo…whee-whoo…whee-whoo… (He spots Howie under a streetlight, but he thinks it’s the maniac. He
gets scared and screams into the walkie-talkie.) WHEE-WHOO, WHEE-WHOO!!!!!!
Howie, I see the maniac!!
Howie: Where? Where?!
Nick: At the intersection of Justin’s and
Ugly.
Howie: (looks
at the green street signs. He’s right at the intersection.) AHH! That’s
where I am!!! What’s he doing?
Nick: Nothing…he’s just standing
there…MEANACINGLY! GET OUT OF THERE, HOWIE!!!!!
(Howie throws down his walkie-talkie, which
still emits sounds, and runs around, screaming.)
Nick: That’s his maniac shriek! Hide behind
that sign! (Howie
runs behind the sign.) No, wait! The maniac’s there! Oh, get behind
that house! (Howie
runs behind the house.) AHH! The maniac’s there, too!! GET AWAY, HOWIE!
(Howie stuffs himself in a mailbox and then
settles down contentedly. An extra walkie-talkie comes in with static. He takes
it out of his pocket.)
Howie: Say again, deputy?
Nick: The maniac is in the mailbox!
(Howie bursts his arms and legs through the
mailbox, the slot coming out for his eyes. He runs around, screaming bloody
murder. He runs through houses, causing them to fall. He finally trips and
smashes the mailbox into pieces. A sketch of the maniac falls on his face. He
picks it up and looks at it.)
Howie: Say, this guy’s not bad looking for a
maniac. (Winks
a few times more) Wait a minute… (Suddenly recognizes his face) I’m the
maniac!!
(Nick screams at the picture. Police cars and
policemen surround Howie after Nick screams. One policeman steps forward.)
Policeman: We’ll take that as a
confession.
Lance: (pushes his way through to the front and stands
in front of Howie) Howard Dorough! I take my eyes off you for one
second and you destroy half the city! What do you have to say for yourself?! (He takes the hat and
belt away.)
Policeman: You know this guy?
Lance: Of course. I’m the one who gave him the
job as hall monitor. He’s MY responsibility! Oops…
Act I; Scene III
(Back in the classroom, Lance’s voice is heard as the camera pans
over to Howie, who furiously takes notes)
Lance: In conclusion, students: One plus two
is three, and two plus one is three. And Howard?
Howie: (looks
up nervously) Yes, Mrs. Bass?
Lance: I’d like to see you after class… (The camera goes to her, in jail, facing a camera that shows her to the
class) six months from now.
The End
