He wasn’t ready to tell Kevin, but the knock
still came. Brian sighed and dragged himself to the door, not bothering to hide
his tears this time. He needed somebody to hold him and tell him everything
would be okay. That his world wasn’t coming to an end by just one person
finding out his secret. And by the sympathy on Kevin’s face when he pulled open
the door, he knew he’d get just that.
“Oh God Brian.” He gasped. “What’s wrong? You
look like you just lost your best friend.”
Normally Brian would have laughed at the pun,
but this time it just caused more tears to flow. He crumpled into Kevin’s arms,
sobbing like a child. He didn’t care if anyone else saw. He needed all the
support he could get now. To his luck AJ and Howie had seen him crumble and
came running over. The three of them managed to carry his shivering body back
into the room. They laid him on the bed, and Kevin scooped him into his arms.
“Shh, calm down Brian.” He soothed. “Calm down
and tell me what’s wrong.”
Brian managed to compose himself enough to look
around the room and see that it was no longer just him and Kevin. His heart
froze with momentary fear, until he noticed that Nick was no where to be seen.
Glancing at his friends with a tear streaked face he asked the question that he
most feared the answer to.
“Will you love me no matter what you find out
about me?”
His friends seemed taken aback by the question.
He was asking it as if he had committed some horrible crime. Howie glanced at
Kevin and then AJ, and decided he was the only one composed enough to answer
first.
“Brian, we’d love you even if you killed a
man.” He answered in all seriousness. “What have you done that is so bad you
fear losing our love?”
Brian sniffed and wiped at the tears that
wouldn’t stop coming. He watched as Kevin and AJ nodded in agreement to Howie’s
answer. He figured now was as good a time as any to let them know the truth.
“Where’s Nick?” He found himself asking
instead. He couldn’t let go of the fact that Nick may be in the bathroom or
somewhere just out of his vision.
“Kid got drunk.” AJ chuckled in his raspy
voice. “He was out cold as soon as his head hit the pillow. Why? Do you want me
to go get him?”
“NO!” Brian shouted a little to quickly. “I-I
just wanted to know. If he’s drunk let him sleep off a worse hang-over than he
already have.”
AJ laughed, and nodded in agreement. An awkward
silence fell over the room as Brian prepared what he was going to tell them. He
couldn’t come right out and say he loved men. That would be true crude.
Besides, he didn’t love all men. Only the ones that captured his heart. He
would just have to tell them that he was gay. Simple, but straight to the
point.
“I-I have something very important to tell
you.” He forced the words out of his sand paper mouth. “Don’t interrupt me
until I am done or I’ll never be able to say this. I’m not the man you thought
I was. I do have a deep dark secret I kept form you guys. It has something to
do with why Leigh left me. But she never knew. Only a few do, and they don’t
include my parents. They’d be so disappointed if they ever found out.” He
paused briefly after realizing that all he was doing as rambling.
“What I mean is…” He sucked in a deep breath
before he could find the courage to speak the words he dreaded ever saying.
“I’m gay.”
After he got the words out he broke down into
tears. Sobs racked his body and the fear of losing his friends darkened his
heart. None of them had made a sound since his confession. They hadn’t moved,
blinked, hell it was almost as if they hadn’t breathed. He could tell what was
running through their minds. Disgust, betrayal, and just plain anger. They
probably wanted to get up and walk out of the room, turn their backs on him and
leave forever. Leave him to cry his sickening tears to himself. These thoughts
just caused him to cry harder.
Suddenly, and much to his surprise, a pair of
arms wrapped around him in a tight hug. Brian wormed around enough to see who
held him tightly. It was Kevin, and Howie and AJ stood right over his
shoulders. They all had huge smiles on, and tears glistening in their eyes.
“Brian,” Kevin whispered in his ear. “We could
never hate you for that. Your still our brother, and your still my little
cousin. Never forget that, please.”
Brian nodded shakily, still to surprised to find
words. They had accepted him. They didn’t hate him, they weren’t disgusted by
him. Infact it seemed they loved him more for being honest.
“And all those days of heartache were because
you thought we’d hate you?” Howie asked softly. “Brian, how long have you been
hiding this? Ever since you and Leigh divorced?”
Brian shook his head and croaked out his
answer. “Since I was sixteen.”
He heard AJ gasp in response. “Sixteen years?!”
He rasped. “Damn Rok, you did a damn fine job of hiding it. Maybe we should
call up Nick and just let him know. He doesn’t have to even get of bed. He’d
probably be relieved to know too.”
“NO!” Brian screamed, pulling away from Kevin.
“Nick can never find out. He’ll hate me! Even more if he ever found out the
rest.”
“More?” Kevin questioned. “What do you mean more? And didn’t you
learn we are your brothers? He won’t hate you just like we don’t.”
Brian chocked on a sob and wiped at his damp
face. Know that he had opened his big mouth he’d have to tell them the whole
thing. Even the part he had wanted to keep secret.
“I-I-I,” He stammered. “I’m in love with…Nick.”
His voice was tiny when he spoke the name, that
it took them a while to understand what he said. But when they did, their eyes
grew large.
“Oh shit.” AJ whispered. “This is serious.”
“I never meant to!” Brian cried. “And I hoped
that if I married Leigh, I’d be able to forget that notion. But it never went
away. It only got stronger.”
The guys stayed silent for a moment. Finally
Kevin spoke.
“I think you should tell him.” He spoke calmly.
“You owe him that much.”
“I can’t!” Brian’s voice was know desperate.
“I’ve seen how he feels about gay people. I’ve heard how he makes fun of them,
calls them nothing but ‘no good fags’. It hurt to hear the person I love say
things about people like that. But what hurt more was no matter how cruel he
was to people like me, I could never stop loving him. And I know if he finds
out, he’ll treat me like all those people he had before. I can live with out
his love, but I can’t live without his friendship. So please don’t take him
away from me. Please don’t tell him, please!!”
The boys caved and nodded at Brian’s heart felt
plea. The relief was instantly on his face as he settled back against his
pillow, suddenly tired.
“Stay with me till I fall asleep.” He asked,
half-asleep as it was. “Don’t leave me alone.”
Kevin stroked his hair until Brian was dreaming
blissfully. He turned to the others, his face set in grim lines.
“This is one hell of a secret.” He whispered so
not to wake Brian. “And we must promise to keep it until Brian decides it time
to tell Nick.”
AJ and Howie nodded. And so began their hell of
keeping a secret that could destroy Brian physically and mentally if any one
ever found out.
Especially Nick.