It had to be one of the longest days of his
life. The threat of having Nick hate him hung over is head like dark clouds
threatening to let loose it’s sad rain. He had recovered from his “illness”
from that morning and agreed to spend the day with Nick. He knew it would hurt
because he knew that he would soon be hearing more of those cruel homophobic
jokes. But he had to spend this day with Nick, because his heart wouldn’t let
go of the fact that it might just his last one.
Brian sighed as the walked through the mall.
Nick was always worse when they went there. But they both were in major need of
clothing since some crazed fan had beat them to the luggage chute and stolen
one of their suitcases. Brian thanked the lord every minute that it hadn’t been
the suitcase that had contained his diary and his darkest secrets.
“Look at that Bri.” Nick pointed to a clothing
store. “Big sale! And it’s designer clothing!”
Brian shook his head and chuckled. Nick was one
of the richest 22 year olds and yet he still bargain shopped. It was nice to
know he wasn’t letting that go to his head. Brian had always fancied a man that
didn’t let money rule his life.
With a sudden frown, he shook those thoughts
out of his head. He could never have Nick so he had to stop thinking about
loving everything about. Like how he always had to say good morning to him
before he’d sit down to eat. Or how he gets so nervous before a date that he
hides an extra deodorant in the glove compartment of his car. Even the way he
would come home and explain his entire date to a heart-broken Brian.
Brian sighed. His love for Nick wasn’t about
lust. It never had been. Brian wasn’t “turned on” every time Nick came into a
room in nothing but a towel. It was about love. About knowing that no matter
what he does the person will always love him, about having someone to sit and
hold him in front of a warm fire.
It would never work because Nick would never do
any of those things. So Brian was left heart broken, as his love searched for
the perfect woman.
“Earth to Brian?” Nick snapped his fingers in
front of Brian’s face drawing his attention. “You just suddenly looked so sad.
Why don’t we do some shopping to make you happy.” He grinned like a wild man.
“I know it makes me happy!”
“Sure Nick.” Brian agreed with a tiny smile.
“Let’s doing some shopping.”
Brian followed Nick as he pranced into the
shop, eager to make on steal on clothing. He listlessly looked at some shirts
grabbing a couple blue ones. Pants, he needed pants. When he reached the pants
rack, he caught Nick staring straight ahead with a look of pure disgust on his
face.
Brian followed Nick’s gaze to where it rested
on two people holding hands. His eyes sudden widen in awe. It wasn’t just two
people, it was two men.
“That’s just gross.” Nick spat, anger and
disgust evident in his voice. “I mean it’s wrong. If man was suppose to be with
man it would have been that way from the beginning. Not man and woman. God, why
can’t those queers seem to get it through their thick skulls!”
Brian blinked rapidly to fend off the tears
forming in his eyes. He had to tell Nick tonight. He couldn’t stand for one
more day of this verbal gay bashing.
“Hey Bri, you okay?” Nick asked suddenly. “You
look like you’re about to cry. It ain’t that bad you know. They think what
they’re doing is right. They don’t realize it’s against everything in your
bible.”
Brian cringed at the words your bible. Nick had
always though he had some unannounced hate for gays because he was a religious
man. God, was he ever farther from the truth.
“N-Nick.” He stuttered before calming himself.
“Are you busy tonight? You wanna come to my room? We can watch movies and call
room service.”
Nick smiled brightly. “Yeah sure!” He laughed.
“We can watch any movie with Julia Stiles in it. She’s hot!”
Brian swallowed the lump in his throat. It was
set. The date that would end his friendship to the person that will hate him
know. And that’s going to be the end of his life.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Yes Kevin, I’m going to tell him tonight.”
Brian sighed into the phone. “He’s coming to my room later.”
“Alright.” Kevin answered him. “Call me as soon
as he leaves. Let me know what he said and how he treats you, okay?”
Brian agreed and slowly hung up the phone. No
sooner had he done that, then did Nick knock on the door. Jumping up, he ran to
pull the door open. Nick smiled at him brightly and handed him a video.
“I changed my mind about Julia.” He laughed. “I
went for Nicole Kidman.”
Brian stared at the video box for the movie
“Moulin Rouge”. His eyes weren’t on Nicole though. They rested only on Ewan
McGregor’s face.
“Hot, huh?” Nick chuckled.
“Yeah,” Brian murmured. “Real hot.”
Nick raced past Brian and jumped onto the bed
nearest the TV. Brian followed him in and popped the tape in to the VCR. They
joked together while he fast forwarded the tape through the pre-views. Finally
the movie cam eon and the two of them fell silent. The sound besides the movie
were Nick’s announcements of “she’s hot”.
Ewan’s character was serenading Nicole’s when
Brian lost it. The urge to fight the tears, to keep lying. He wanted love and
didn’t want to hide it from anyone. He had to let Nick know and face the
rejection so he could move on with his life. The sobs racked his small frame,
and got worse when he felt Nick slide down into the seat next to him.
“What’s wrong Brian?” He asked worry thick in
his voice. “Calm down. Why are you crying?”
“N-Nick!” He sobbed. “Promise me th-that no
matter what I s-say, you’ll always love me! T-tell me you w-won’t ever leave me
a-alone!”
Nick hugged Brian close to him and stroked his
hair. If he hadn’t been so distressed, Brian would have enjoyed the closeness.
“I do love you man.” Nick assured him. “Why did
you suddenly bring that up? You got something to tell me?”
Brian sniffed and nodded. Now came the hard
part. It had been hard to tell the others guys and he wasn’t that afraid of
having them hate him. But he was terrified of having Nick hate him.
“I’m not who you think I am.” He spoke softly.
“Nick I’m-I’m-I’m…”
Hr groaned when he couldn’t get out what he
wanted to say. His frustration was evident and Nick patted his arm for support.
That’s when Brian lost it.
“Nick I’m gay!” He shouted in loud voice,
before crumpling away from Nick to cry to himself.
After a few seconds of silence, he looked over to
see Nick sitting there, mouth agape. When he saw Brian looking at him, anger
and disgust settled on his handsome features. He jumped up and pointed an
accusing finger at Brian.
“You’re gay?!” He screamed. “And you never told
me before. God, I can’t believe you, you sick fuck! That’s disgusting! And what
happened to Gods rules? You know he hates fags like you! Is that why you pray
to him more than the normal person?”
Brian shrunk back as Nick approached him. He
was afraid of what Nick would do. Then he was surprised to see hurt mix in with
the anger and the fear.
“And you let me get close to you.” He seethed.
“You let me touch you like a brother. Like I was some kinda queer too! In fact
I bet you are in love with me! I bet you like to throw down there on that bed
and fuck my brains out. And you’d enjoy it way to much, you stupid sick fuck!”
Brian’s tears were coursing down his cheeks in
hot rivers. He was afraid this would happen, he knew it would happen. And now
he was powerless to stop it.
“P-please Nick.” He whispered. “I thought you
just said you’d be my friend no matter what. I-I-“
“That was before I found out that you were a
fucking queer!” Nick shouted.
Suddenly he stormed away from Brian and headed
towards the door. Brian jumped up on shaky legs and ran after him. He caught
him just outside of his room.
“Nick!” He cried.
Nick stopped stiffly and turned to look at him
coldly.
“What do you want fag?” He asked with no
remorse when he saw Brian flinch.
“Please don’t do this Nick.” Brian chocked on
his answer. “Please don’t do this to me.”
Nick’s eyes darkened as his anger grew to an
unhealthy level. He advanced on Brian quickly and slammed him up against the
wall.
“To you?” He hissed. “Brian, answer me one
question and answer it truthfully, are you in love with me?”
Brian swallowed hard. He always had the problem
of never being able to lie to a loved one’s face.
“Yes.” He squeaked.
“YOU SICK LITTLE GAY FUCK!!!” Nick roared. He pushed
Brian away form hard and watched with a sickening pleasure as his head struck
the floor hard.
Brian gasped at the pain that radiated from his
head. He chocked back on a mournful scream as grew silent waiting for Nick’s
next attack.
“Stay away from me.” Nick spat, standing over
him. “Never come near me again. If you do I will hurt your gay ass, you hear me
fag?”
Brian couldn’t respond, he only began crying
harder. Curling up into a ball he could feel Nick’s presence leave. But it was
replaced by somebody else’s. Two pairs of strong arms picked him up and carried
him to his room and laid him down. He couldn’t hear the frantic questions they
were asking him. He could only hear the song playing in the back. The movie was
still on. And the song brought fresh tears to his eyes.
“Storm clouds may gather, and stars may collide
But I love (I love you)
Until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh , Come what may
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you
I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Come what may
Come what may,
Come what may,
I will love you,
Until my dying day.”
The irony and truth to those words were so
cruel, that Brian felt the urge to cry harder. But his head was pounding from
when Nick pushed him, and his heart ached even more. Curling up in a ball, he
ignored the faint voices of those who pulled him from the hallway and out of
his sad little world.
Life was cruel, and Brian had just lost the
urge to live it.