Chapter 7:

Sad

I sat in that position for the remainder of the day. No one bothered me. Not even to go into the studio. Everyone could tell I was devastated. So much for masks. J walked past me a few times including the first time he left the room after his conversation with Brian. I think he realized that I heard every word that was said. I could tell that he wanted to talk to me but he decided against it. Brian came nowhere near me the rest of the day. I was relieved about that. I wasn't ready for the conversation that we would have to have.

Kevin walked by a few times, each time looking more and more frustrated that I was just sitting on the floor. I didn't want to move. I had only experienced this feeling a couple of times in my life. It felt like a heaviness in my chest. When I took in a breathe I was met with a tingling in my heart. It felt like an emptiness. The feeling you literally get when your heart breaks. The first time I felt it was when my aunt died. I loved her so much. The thought of losing her was too much to deal with. The second time was when my Mom and I had a terrible fight. Words were said that I still have a hard time getting over, her last statement being, "I hate you and I wish you were never born!" She still cries about that. She didn't mean it but at the time those words hurt more than anything I had ever felt. Until now, the words Brian spoke stuck in my heart like a knife and I couldn't get them out of my head. Could he really hate me so much that he would want me out of this group? I wanted to hate him right back but I couldn't. I loved him. I love all of them. They really are like family to me. I know I might take it too much to heart, but I believed those words when we all first said them and I still believe them now. I always made it a point to tell them that too.

Every chance I got. During interviews, on my liner notes, on the phone, anytime I felt like someone needed to hear it. The thing is, they seldom ever said it to me. I would always be met with a "thanks man," or a hug. I never questioned it before. Maybe I was being naive.

Sometime in the middle of my thoughts, Howie sat next to me and put his arm around me. I didn't pull away, I just sat there staring forward.

"You want to talk about it Nicky" He said pulling me closer to him. When I didn't reply, he continued "Come on Nick, we're done for the day. Go back to the hotel, relax, take a nice hot bath and sleep it off. Everything will look better in the morning." He then did something he never ever did before. He gently kissed me on the top of my head. That action brought me to tears as I remembered it wasn't safe to go back to the hotel. As Howie was getting up to walk away, I heard myself say in almost a whisper

"can I stay with you, I don't want to be alone." I then looked up at him as he gave me his hand to help me up.

"Of course you can" he said hugging me as we walked to Joe to let him know my plans.