Chapter 16

Brian dropped the journal, his mouth hanging wide open. He turned on the light. He didn’t care about getting caught anymore. After all, now he knew he wasn’t the one doing wrong. But still, he lifted his best friend’s journal off the floor like it was a bomb.

Brian’s breath caught in his throat as he saw the wisps of red on the spine of the book like a very bad omen. It was Nick’s real journal. Brian’s mind raced for a logical explanation. Maybe Nick was playing a sick joke on them. Maybe it was another decoy. But no… Brian had seen Nick writing in this journal since two years before. It had roughly three pages left. It was most likely by some twist of fate that Brian had found it before Nick took it home and got a new one.

The front door opened, bathing the three intruders with the unnatural light from the living room. Brian gulped. He prayed Nick wasn’t among them. Seeing it was only Howie, A.J. and Kevin, he dashed over to them.

No sooner than the door was shut did Brian shove the journal into A.J.’s hands. “It-it’s Nick,” he stammered.

A.J. frowned. “What are you talking about, Rok?”

Howie took the journal from A.J. and glanced at Brian confusedly. “Wait, wait… This is Nick’s journal?”

Brian nodded. “I-erm…found it in A.J.’s bag.”

A.J. began to nod before he registered Brian’s confession. He crossed his arms over his chest. “And what the hell were you doing in my bag?” he asked, both his appearance and voice deathly calm.

Brian lowered his gaze guiltily. “I thought you did it,” he said quietly.

“What?” A.J. cried. “Me? Why the hell would I do that?”

“Well I didn’t know,” Brian snapped. “After all, you thought it was me.”

“When?” A.J. challenged, glaring at him.

Brian cringed. “Okay, okay, so I thought you were acting weird lately.”

But A.J. wasn’t done making Brian feel guilty yet. “Yeah, so you thought I’d try to murder my best friend?”

“A.J., shut up,” Howie said evenly, throwing his friend a warning glare. He looked to Brian once he was sure A.J. wouldn’t be speaking up again. “How do you know it’s his?”

Brian sighed. “Nick has two journals. The one you guys read the other night is the decoy.”

A.J.’s head shot from studying the wall to Brian’s suddenly rueful face. “So now you’re spying on me? Jeez! What the fuck did I do?” He threw his arms up in exasperation. “Do I have ‘homicidal maniac’ written somewhere on me? Damn it!”

Kevin and Howie both scowled at the furious A.J. Together they managed to glare A.J. back into a state of silence. A.J. crossed his arms across his chest and glowered at Brian indignantly. “I’m not a murderer,” he grumbled.

Howie rolled his eyes and patted his shoulder. “Yes, Alex, we know,” he said, full aware that his tone was babying.

A.J. glared at him. “Talk to me like that again and I might be forced to take back my previous statement.”

“Guys,” Kevin said, clearing his throat. “Don’t you think there’s something more important than A.J.’s pride right now?”

“No,” answered A.J. without hesitation. “My pride is the only important thing y’all should be concerned with. Everything else falls secondary.”

Kevin arched an eyebrow. “Including Howie’s life?”

A.J. shut up.

Brian toyed with the hem of his shirt, looking deep in thought. “So what do we do?” he asked quietly.

No one offered a suggestion, so Kevin sighed and took control, the way they expected him to. “We’ve got to talk to him, I suppose.”

Howie glanced up from fiddling with the journal in his hands. “Um, Kev?” he ventured.

Kevin turned his attention to the younger man inquisitively. “Hmm?”

“Do I have to come with you?” he asked, wincing. “I don’t really think Nick wants to talk to me…”

“If he wants you dead, I’d say that’s a definite no,” A.J. piped in unhelpfully.

Brian, Kevin, and Howie glared at him.

A.J. held his hands up defensively. “Hey, it’s true.”

Howie nodded, sighing. “He’s right.”

Unfortunately for Howie, Kevin was frowning in disagreement. “Howie, you have to be there. I mean, it kind of involves you, buddy.” He looked apologetic. “Look, he won’t try to kill you.”

“How can you be so sure?” Howie asked, his tone rising. “I mean, if he’s crazy enough to try and fucking poison me, then I think he’s crazy enough to try to kill me again, Kevin,” he snarled.

Now Howie rarely cursed or raised his voice, and the combination of both was more than a little frightening to his band mates. It took a few moments before Howie realized he had sent all three of his band mates into shock and calmed down.

Brian recovered first. “Howie, do you honestly think we’re gonna let anything happen to you?” he questioned incredulously.

Howie didn’t answer.

“We won’t,” Kevin added, catching the Latino’s eyes with his own.

As a sealing factor, Howie glimpsed at A.J.

A.J. was still gaping at him. “Goddamn!” he cried. “What the fuck was that?”

Despite the situation, Howie laughed. “Sorry, I just got scared…”

A.J. snorted. “Screw that, you were pissed.”

“Was not!”

“You were fuckin’ too!”

“Was not!”

“Admit it, you were pissed. The almighty Sweet D got pissed.”

“Shut up!”

“Make me, shorty!”

“Don’t make me hit you.”

“What’s going on down here?”

Four pairs of eyes darted to the doorway, where a sleepy-looking Nick stood, rubbing his eyes exhaustedly.

He yawned. “Why’re y’all screamin’?” he asked languidly.

Brian opened his mouth only to find that everything he wanted to say involved some harsh cursing and a disowning of his “brother”. He could see Kevin and A.J. were having the same problem. Howie, however, hid whatever emotion he was feeling and instead played it off as unconcerned.

“It’s nothing, Nick,” he said, once again failing to call the blonde “Nicky” the way he usually did. “Go back to bed.”

Nick scowled at him. “Don’t tell me what to do, Howie,” he all but hissed.

“Stop being an ass, Carter,” A.J. snapped.

Nick shot an undaunted, almost bored look at A.J. He caught sight of his journal in Howie’s hands and a dangerous glint exploded in his eyes. “What the fuck are you doing with that?” he whispered, his eyes set on Howie’s suddenly very frightened face.

“I-I…” Howie shook his head, eyes glossing over. “Why would you want to kill me, Nicky?” he asked, his voice a few volumes quieter than Nick’s. His grip on the journal tightened.

Nick didn’t answer.

Kevin sighed. “Listen, Nick. We know what you’ve been doing.”

Nick still remained silent, though now he was watching Kevin in mild surprise.

A.J.’s cool disappeared. “You little homicidal freak. What the fuck is wrong with you!?” He launched an all-out assault on the taller blonde before anyone could blink.

Brian and Kevin struggled to pull the two youngest members apart as Nick began to fight back, throwing blind punches and violent cursing. Howie backed up until his back hit a wall. He looked at the journal. He remembered the last time he read something of Nick’s he had wound up crying. This fact didn’t exactly tempt him to open the cover, but he did anyway and began to read the last entry.

“December 1^st, 2002

“It’s done. I put so much trinicerite in his medicine he’ll be dead in less than two days. Sudden death. None of this agonizing pain shit. I don’t want the others sending him to a hospital so he can get treated. As much as I’d like to see him suffer, I decided it’s better that I just get rid of him in one fell swoop rather than what I’ve been doing lately, one at a time.

“A.J.’ll thank me someday. At first he’ll think I’m evil for killing his best friend, but really, I’m doing him a favor. I’m putting his revenge in action for him. Sooner or later he’ll see I did the right thing by getting rid of Howie.

“To think, once I used to call him a brother.

“No more. He’ll be dead soon and everything will be all right.

“Nick”

Howie choked and dropped the book. A strangled cry escaped his lips. Ironically, it was that small sound and not Nick’s screeching that made A.J., Brian and Kevin stop trying to stop Nick from having a fit.

Howie looked at Nick in a way that betrayed his loathing. His body began to tremble in fury. “You-you-you…” He fought an onslaught of tears after he managed to pick the journal up, walk over to Kevin, and shove the journal into Kevin’s hands.

A.J. glowered at Nick in somewhat confusion and wrapped an arm around Howie’s neck. “What’d he do?” he asked quietly.

Kevin was reading the entry. Brian was reading over his shoulder.

Nick was watching them passively.

Kevin’s jaw dropped. His eyes shot up to Nick’s expression unbelievably. “You as good as killed him already,” he whispered.

Nick frowned. “You’ll all thank me when he’s gone and you’ve remembered what he almost accomplished.”

“What are you talking about?” Howie gasped out through his tears. “I didn’t do anything to you or anybody else!”

Nick scowled at him. “Yes you did,” he spat. “You just didn’t get to finish it.”

A.J. looked from Howie to Nick to Howie then back to Nick again. “What in the name of God are you talking about? He didn’t do anything.” He lightly shook Howie with the arm he had slung around Howie’s shoulders as if signifying whom he was talking about.

Nick snorted. “You of all people shouldn’t be protecting him, Alex.”

A.J. couldn’t fathom why, but when Nick called him Alex, something inside of him snapped. He leapt at Nick again, but this time – shockingly – it was Howie that grabbed him back. A.J. struggled against his older band mate uselessly, screaming curses at the impassive blonde.

Kevin took hold of A.J.’s shoulders and swung him onto the couch. Brian pinned him to the cushions while A.J. spat unintelligible screams at them both. Howie and Nick stared at each other.

Nick suddenly smiled. “You know when that journal entry was written?”

Howie frowned. “December first…” His eyes widened. “Two days ago…”

Nick nodded, chuckling. “It won’t be long now, Howie D.” He smirked. “Just a matter of minutes. Maybe seconds. You can’t get help soon enough. I put enough trinicerite in your medicine to kill a horse.” He laughed. “And you’re not stronger than a horse, I’d say.”

Howie stared at him incomprehensively, trying to read Nick’s eyes the way he had been able to before. Now all he saw was hatred and satisfaction in the task he had performed. “What happened to you, Nicky?” he asked quietly. “You’re not like this.”

Nick’s eyes narrowed. “You don’t know me,” he snarled. “None of you do. None of you had time to notice when it happened. I tried taking medicine for it, but it hasn’t helped. Then you…you…” He broke off, biting his lip. “A.J. went into rehab…” A tear rolled down his face. “And you… You acting like it wasn’t your fault.”

Howie blinked. “Wait, what are you saying?”

Nick sobbed dryly. “It’s your fault A.J. almost died! You fucking murderer! You’re the one that started taking A.J. to those clubs! When he was underage! You acted like it was no big deal when he started going every fucking night! And you went with him! You watched him deteriorate right in fucking front of you! It’s your fault he almost died! You were there the night he passed out and almost died!”

Howie shook his head dazedly. “Nicky, I-I… He…” He, too, began to cry, out of frustration and fear. What was coming over Nick? Or what had already come over Nick? And why hadn’t he noticed?

Nick struggled to take in a breath. “Do you even remember that night, Howie?”

Howie didn’t answer.

“I do,” Nick whispered. “I went with you and A.J. He drank too much and he almost died of alcohol poisoning that night. Wanna know why you don’t remember?”

Howie nodded slowly, not entirely sure if he really wanted to know.

Nick sniffled. “You were fucking drunk. You didn’t even come back to the hotel when I told you A.J. had passed out. You were hanging out with some fucking chick.”

Howie blinked in total shock. “What?”

By this time, Kevin and Brian had succeeded in controlling A.J. and they, along with A.J. himself, were listening to their friends’ conversation. A.J. was frowning as if he couldn’t remember either.

Nick still had his eyes trained on his older band mate furiously. “You almost killed him, you bastard. You started him down that path and even when he started to get worse last year you just hid in the shadows pretending it was the old days when we didn’t have to worry about each other so much. You ignored all of the pain and suffering around you and kept to yourself. You were so fucking caught up in your own daydream that you almost let A.J. die!” He was shaking now, partly because of rage and partly because of the wracking sobs claiming his body.

Howie felt his voice die again momentarily. “Nicky, I…” He hesitated. “I…”

Nick sobbed loudly. “You what? Damn it, Howie, you as good as murdered your best friend! How the fuck could you?”

Howie dropped his gaze to the floor, tears immediately drenching the portion of carpet he stood on. “I know,” he whispered. “I know it’s my fault. I’m sorry…”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it anymore, Howie,” Nick snapped.

“Leave him alone,” A.J. bit angrily at his younger band mate, standing up shakily. He glared at Nick furiously. “He didn’t kill me.”

Nick snorted loudly. “Yeah, he didn’t have the chance to.”

Howie hung his head lower. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed quietly. “I know.”

Brian went to his friend’s side and hugged him soundly, keeping his eyes far away from his former best friend as Howie sobbed onto his shoulder.

Kevin scowled at Nick. “How could you even think of doing what you did?” he asked, his voice deathly calm.

Nick’s eyes were stone cold. “How could he–” here he pointed at Howie accusingly, “–try to kill his best friend?”

“HE DIDN’T!” A.J. screamed. “Shut UP!” Kevin looped an arm around A.J.’s chest and held him back from trying to murder the blonde on the spot. “YOU CRAZY ASSHOLE!” he shrieked. “IF HE DIES I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WON’T LIVE TO REGRET IT!”

Nick laughed mirthlessly. “Regret it? Nah. I’ll enjoy it.” His eyes drained of their icy front as his eyes trailed over to Brian and Howie. In place of the hatred and coldness, Nick’s eyes were filled with terror and angst. “Oh shit, no,” he whispered. “HOWIE!”

It was only then that Brian felt how lifeless Howie’s body felt all of a sudden. He loosened his embrace and slowly Howie began to fall. Brian yelped in surprise and knelt, laying Howie on his back. Howie’s eyes were shut, his expression submissive.

The only sounds in the room were A.J.’s strangled cry and Nick’s moan of sorrow.