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Anomie
Lying in front of the heater until you feel drowsy then go to sleep.
When I had depression, to fool myself into going to sleep I used to lie in front of the heater until I went to sleep and then go to bed afterwards. This was quite a delicate operation. There are usually several stages involved in fooling yourself. I would have a book - or maybe even two - to suggest that I was about to read. I would open the book with every intention of reading. The heater would warm my back and I think maybe take oxygen out of the room so that I couldn't get past the first sentence. But I would hold the book open with my eyes closed. Eventually I would let myself close the book on top of my hand, but not without trying to open my eyes and read a few times first. I would sleep on the floor for about an hour and then wake up and go to bed. 9/10.Thinking up the best way to tidy your bedroom
I spend quite a bit of time thinking about what the perfect method is for tidying your bedroom. I believed that it would be best to make your bed first, and then you could put all your things on top of your bed in groups; like all your socks together, and all your library books together, etc. The wide, empty space of your bed encourages you by making the room seem tidier, and also gives you room for organisation. Lately, I've changed this to putting away all the stuff on the bed first, before you make the bed. Making the bed and having that space is my incentive for putting away the stuff on top of the bed. Giving yourself incentives is an organisational principle. 4/10.Worst Lists
Once I was cleaning out my pocket and I found a list that said 'Have a shower. Write in diary. Go to bed.' 9/10.Writing stuff for the website
Is the accumulation of detail a worthwhile project? Nothing is inherently worthwhile. One must aim for principle and integrity, and defense of the weak. Truth in itself isn't particularly useful. 6/10.Drinking
Begins with extreme desire and hope. The day I know I will be drinking I think about it from the night before and the whole day. I resist until after 8. Immediately I purchase some alcohol I drink helplessly. It doesn't feel comfortable not to have a drink in my hand. I sincerely believe that some kind of breakthrough in my relationship to someone, to something, is going to occur. However, having begun to drink, and feeling slightly pleasant, nobody actually seems any closer to me. The only way to cope is to drink more. Having drunk more, I feel even more irritable about not being able to express myself. I attempt to explain myself at great length, with few inhibitions because I'm drunk. It doesn't work and, irritated by peoples lack of response, I drink so much that I am no longer able to see properly and feel scared. I start to panic and go home. If I try to close my eyes I feel nauseous. I'd rather be asleep but I'm too anxious to just submit to the dizziness. I have to lie awake 'reading' with double vision for an hour. Then I wake up. I must have fallen asleep. It's about 7 am. I can't get back to sleep but I don't want to get up because I feel exhausted and like I will vomit if I move. After a couple of hours I feel like I can get up and have something to eat. I think I feel OK. About half an hour later I have to be sick. I feel incredibly depressed thinking about the previous evening and the future. But I still can't quite reconcile myself to living an unadorned (by intoxication) existence. 10/10.+!+