After viewing "American Idol" I think I may be hooked. I mean, hello we are supposed to be getting up at like 4:30am and I am sitting there in the hotel room with Elena and her mom watching "AI" until all hours. Some of those people are just heinous and I couldn't love them more.

OH, we hit the NEWBURGH MALL, which is basically a desolate mom and pop mall mixed with some regular stores, in other words…WHITE TRASH (I liken it to the mall in DAWN OF THE DEAD for dramatic purposes). Plenty of Newburgh Mullets (which are even out now, hello!) At the dollar store I bought a loofa duck to wear during opening ceremonies - see illustration…

Breakfast at Denny's: Carbs much? I had a bowl of oatmeal, a banana, orange juice, water, and a bagel. The place was rocking with riders and only 2 waitresses. There was a table of 6 men in those hideous bike shirts but with an attractive AIDS ribbon on it. NICE - we would later find out that they were the "Positive Riders" people living with AIDS doing the ride.

Hi, we were told to be there at 7:30am… we left at 10:30am. While stretching we met this gay thing - see illustration. Somehow he attached himself to Elena and me. Wow, if we wanted a threesome…

10:30am - we are basically the last 3 people to leave the mountain and cross the Bear Mt. Bridge (which is humongous and all my chronic anxiety disorder mind could think of was some barge ramming it and 1600 riders plummeting 300ft to their deaths). Nice way to start the morning.

MOST TOLD STORY ALERT #1! At the first pit stop Olivia from Union Sq. Café flashed us and 400 others her breasts. Interesting. Across the street, "Invincible" from Pat Benatar was BLARRING! Nothing wrong with that.

By lunch its like 8pm (or 4pm). It couldn't be hotter or sunnier or my ass hurting more. By this time I had already drank 32 bottles of water and eaten 1,000,000,000 carbs. YEAH, LUNCH! Now, imagine my mood when we get there and "OOPS, NO MORE VEGETARIAN MEALS!" Wow, isn't that just greaaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Then we find out that we have 10 minutes before it closes and they sweep us to camp. HELL NO! So, we hop on our bikes and peddle out.

Somewhere after lunch I got a spurt of energy, leaving Elena and Armando in the dust. I must have been about 30 miles ahead of them (or 2) when I reached the next pit stop and the guy is screaming that I have 2 minutes before I am swept. I am the last person to leave PIT 3 on day one (an incredible feeling, somehow).

Miles down the road, with the wind in my loofa and the open road in front of me I start to die. I am feeling beyond tired. My ass feels as if it had a hot burning rod stuck up it and against it for the last 60 miles so I pull over. Sitting on the side of the road is Samantha - see illustration. Long story short, Sam takes off after vowing she was done and I stay awaiting the damn sweep van.

Now mind you I am on the side of the road with some lil girl from the Bronx, a girl from Georgia, some man from Dedham and then some stupid whores from NYC show up. About one minute after those two whores show up, so does the sweep van… YEAH! (Mind you, Samantha is now miles gone). Bronx's knee is so swollen she can hardly walk… I am just through and miss Armando and Elena, Dedham doesn't want to continue and has been waiting for 20 minutes or so and Georgia has that one her mind. Whore #1 starts crying to the Sweepers when she finds out that only 4 can go on the van. So, because she caused a hissy-fit, myself, Bronx, Whore1 and Whore2 get the van. What is that all about? "How's the whoring WHORE?"

We pull up to the last pit stop where the SAG BUS is awaiting to take the daily slaughter to our camp at YALE. But what do my wandering eyes see sitting on the bus? SAMANTHA FEDER sucking on her camelback. Didn't make it that far now did ya Miss RiderMcRidesalot?

Pulling into camp, Elena and Armando meet us. They are freshly showered, clean clothed and ready to eat. I introduce Sam to the group and this is how 2 became 4 (wait, wasn't there a hideous song by the Spice Girls about 2 become 1).

Dinner: Pasta w/Marinara and sautéed veggies. Salad. Garlic Bread. Damn good.

After dinner I finally shower, change into PJ's and have some hot tea. We all chat for a while and set up game plan for DAY 2.

Did I mention that Armando is the luckiest faggot on earth because he somehow is tentmateless… A SINGLE…bastard.