damd

AMERICA. What's the first thing that goes through your mind as you hear that word? Are you overcome with an overwhelming sense of national pride? Are you swept right off your feet in a sort of patriotic ecstasy? Do you see a flag waving in the breeze, determined soldiers marching to the beat of a drum, and fireworks?

Of course you don't!

You see stupid teens roaming the streets, staying up till God knows when doing God knows what with God knows who! That's the picture that fills your mind -- stupid teenagers smoking dope, drinking beer, joining gangs, killing each other, and doing all that other really bad stuff that they do!!! *Gasp*!

We tried to rid ourselves of this problem with the Big Brother program, but it didn't work. All the Big Brothers did was buy their "little brothers" cigarettes and send them on their way home. Then the "little brothers" would proceed to tell their parents what a great time they had had at the "zoo" with their Big Brothers. All fine and great. So now, not only is the teen still in his wicked ways, he is also supported in his smoking! *Gasp*!

Well, now we've got a new program that will take the torch from Big Brother, only this program will be ten times as effective! We promise it!

We like to call our program the Drunken, Abusive Mom and Dad. In this program, the mentor isn't asked to take his student out for a "fun-time-you-define-fun," he's asked to take the student for the "beating of his/her life." If the student in question does not respond properly and cease all his evil doings, the mentor simply ingests large amounts of alcohol and proceeds to give the student a near-death experience.

"We like to teach our kids things the old-fashioned way," says Jonathan Oman, head of the new Drunken, Abusive Mom and Dad (DAMD). "We're not up to this 'You're such a fine kid' crap, we like to drive our message into their heads with hate and rage."

No preliminary tests are needed -- results are all over the country, and the system is proven sound and solid. Kids who are beaten by parents who are under the influence of alcohol generally learn obedience better than kids who are told to "stop it" when they do bad things.

"DAMD training is easy," says Oman. "We give the people who want to be a DAM or DAD a bottle of liquor, tell them to drink up, and then throw a dummy representing a child at them, instructing them to mutilate the dummy. Ninety-nine percent pass this test. The other one percent don't pass because they get so engrossed in tearing the dummy apart that they don't notice it when they have a stroke."

"I think the idea is great," says Judy Rece, professional child psychiatrist. "Kids need negative support to positively shape their minds. If we beat our kids, they will be mortally afraid of us, and that's what we want."

It is a proven fact that many, many homes today are not headed by alcoholic parents. That's what the DAMD idea is for. If a child or teen is in a house with no one to beat the crap out of him, he tends to become a "wild child," and he does just whatever he wants. Then the DAMD project comes into play.

"We take our DAMD students out to the country and let the mentor tear the life out of them right from the first," says Jeremy Fallwell, lead trainor for the mentors. "It's important that the student know that their mentore is their enemy right off."

That's all fine, but what will the DAMD program cost us as taxpayers? Beer money. That's all.

"The whole DAMD concept is based on volunteer work," says Leslie Micheals, one of those who came up with the idea. "The only thing we ask from the taxpayers is DAMD beer money."

"Beer money?" our interviewers asked. "Is that all?"

"We don't ask for much," responded Leslie. "It's all about helping kids -- that's the whole DAMD idea."

So where will the project head?

"The bottom of a bottle of liquor's the limit," Leslie says, smiling happily in her DAMD dreams.