Ranting Against Righties

Or: Why We Hate You so Very, Very Much!

8-18-00 Hiroshima to Pokemon, Part 2
   Life is filled with bizarre ironies.  Among these is the predicament that Japan forced itself into after World War II.  The primary motives for Japaneese aggression in the 1930's, was fear of the West.  They saw how China and the Phillipines among others, had allowed themselves to be carved up by the European Powers and America.  They had determied that they would not submit to their encroachment into the Far East.  They sought to preserve their unique and ancient culture, and innoculate it from the decadent an unscrupulous ways of the West.
   They knew that the Western powers rarely asked, they just moved right in, and imposed their garrish culture on the hapless inhabitants.  I happened in Hong Kong, Singapore, and Manila.  They had decide that the only way to prevent Japan from falling under Western influence, was to remove the European and American powers from the Pacific altogether. 
   As successful as the attack on Pearl Harbor was, it marked the death-knell of Japan's dreams of a Pacific Empire, though it would take over 3 years to destroy it.  In the end, They were subjegated totally by the Americans, who occupied the entire country when the war ended.  In the end, the Japaneese were "westernized" far more than they would have been, had they never attacked the United States.  Modern Japan has become an icon of the assimalation of eastern societies into western cultures. 
   There is sometimes anitpathy, and even jealousy by Americans today, for modern Japan.  They are as materialistic as we are , they are as obsessed with new technologies as we,  and they seem to be even more adept at the art of capitalism than we are.  In essecne, the United States after the war, molded Japan in its own image as much as any country could possibly make another country, while still preserving its national identity.  Could Godzilla do any more?

8-9-00 Japan:  Hiroshima to Pokemon, Part 1
   Fifty-five years ago this week, the world entered the atomic age with a bang, as Japan fond itself the victim of humanity's first and only deliberate nuclear attack.  On August 7th, and 9th, in the year 1945, two Japaneese cities were removed from the celestial realm we call Earth, courtesy of Washington D.C., The Manhattan Project, and the United States Air Force.   The origins of Hiroshima and Nagasaki's annialation can be blamed on, what could be considered ground zero for all the evils of the twentieth century, Nazi Germany. 
   The Nazis were frantically trying to construct nuclear weapons, in hopes of turning the tide of a war of attrition that they had no hope of surviving.  Having alienated their best scientists in the 1930's, to the point of their fleeing to the United States, and elsewhere, the Germans took their next-best scientists, and made them do whatever it took to create the atomic bomb.  Terrified of Hitler's potential posession of such a weapon, the Americans set to work on thier own bomb.  Moral arguments were put on hold, as there was a sense of urgency to develop the bomb before Hitler did.  When it became clear that Hitler was never going to get the bomb before the war in Europe was over, second thoughts began to grow among the developers of the American  "Manhattan Project".  But, by that time, the device was all but built.  There was no going back.
   The question to use the atomic bomb on clearly defeated Japan in July and August, continues ot be debated today.  Clearly, Japan had lost, even they must see it.  Clearly, the targets chosen would kill far more civilians than military personnel.  Clearly, it was possible to end the war without using the bomb, it would just take a little longer.  Perhaps another year.
   It is rather easy for us, today, to say that we might have looked harder for a more diplomatic resolution to the war.  towards the end, the only condition Japan wanted in their surrender, was to allow them to keep their beloved Emperor Hirohito.  Ultimately, this is what did occur, in fact, of all the leaders at the start of World War II, Hirohito lived the longest (dying in 1989).  The problem was, that accepting this simple term would not be "unconditional surrender". 
   Japan had handed the Americans their worst defeat ever at that time, in thier sneak attack on Pearl Harbor.  The American people had spent the next three and a half years trying to avenge that unscrupulous act.  To use a movie cliche, it was payback time.  To the Americans, it was a war of vengance, more than anything.  Sure, the U.S. was making the world safe for democracy, and all that, but liberating the world was not what drove the Amercians deep in thier hearts to suffer horrendus losses in the most destructive conflict mankind has ever known, it was the thirst for revenge.
   In the end, the decision at the time was a no-brainer.  Japan must atone for its sins.  Besides, the casualty estimates on an invasion of Japan were up to 1,000,000 American  and countless Japaneese lives.  In the closing days of the war, women and children of Japan were being conscripted to fight in the home army, and mass-suicide of the populace was seriously being considered.  In the end, the total civilian deaths at Hiroshima and Nagasaki would almost certainly have been dwarfed by the death count of an American invasion.  Perhaps, even the entire Japaneese culture might have been lost.
   We will never know for sure what would have happened if the atomic bomb had not been developed.  Most likely, it would have come about at some point in history.  What if a demonstration bomb had been detonated to show the Japaneese our strength, would that have worked?  Maybe, maybe not.  It is easy to say that it was worth a try today, but try saying it after experiencing six full years engulfed in the inferno of total war.

8-5-00 Paying Through the Mouth (or: Takin' it Orally)
  Most Americans own a toothbrush.  Those of you who don't, you know who you are, and so do we.  Anyway, for those who do, perhaps you have noticed how many varieties of toothbrushes are on the market today.  I'm not talking about brands or sizes or even bristle hardness.  What I am talking about, is the countless variations of styles and brushing concepts on the market right now.  I see handles with slightly angled necks, so we only need to come in at 1/8th less of an angle.  Handles have designer shapes and textures, because if we can't be stylish when brushing our teeth, we simply can't be considered part of the "in" crowd at all.  What if a celebrity were to walk into our bathroom and sees our ordinarly toothbrush?  Don't forget that flex grip handle, because it happens far too often, when some poor soul loses his grip on his toothbrush, and ends up swallowing it.
    Then we get to the bristles themselves.  Rectangular flat shapes are far too ordinary for today's modern standards.  A toothbrush of the future must have some bizzare shape to it, to symbolize the advancement of mankind.  We must make the bristles go in different directions in different lengths, making fascinating new shapes that boggle the mind.  The tapestry of the modern toothbrush is so entwined and complex, it certainly must be a vast improvment to the flat bristles.  Even if nobody knows how.
  I'm not saying that every one of these advancements is entirely useless in the field of dental care.  I'm sure many will give minor improvements in the level of thouroughness in some individuals' brushing habits.  What I am saying, is that it seems like scientists are spending way too much time building a better toothbrush, instead of something more useful, or even more of a pure science.  Let's get these eggheads out of Proctor & Gamble Laboratories and into SETI or cancer research, or even monkey spores produciton and containment.

7-9-00  Time Travel: "That's Why Pencils Have Erasers"
   For over a century, pysicists and daydreamers alike have speculated on the possibility of traveling though time.  We dream of one day, going back to bet on major sprting events with prior knowlege of the outcome, and travelling to the future to help Captain Kirk fight the Planet of the Apes.  We could use interstellar wormholes, poorly-designed sportscars, wacky telephone booths, or perhaps just a symbollic wristwatch, or something. 
   But hold on!  Before you get your flux capacitors warmed up, there is a swarm of scientists, historians, clergymen, and copyright lawyers who are adamant about never allowing the act of time travelling to occur.  "Why?" you would ask, in your own innocent, almost naieve way.  Oh, they have their reasons.  As we have all learned from various cartoons and science fiction media, if you fiddle with historical events, even a little, there will be drastic historical consequences, and ALWAYS bad ones.  Either, the Nazis control the world, nuclear war wipes out civilization, or humanity is enslaved by some other animal that somehow developed superhuman intelligence because YOU kidnapped Napolean to help you with your book report.  Also, I guess that God has a problem with you doing some creative editing on His script, and like any screenwriter when faced with retooling, He will wreak a horrible vengance upon all humanity for such a crime.
   With God and Robert Zemekis aside, it has to be possible for some good to be made out of altering historical events.  Granted, there are far too many parameters for us to accurately judge what would happen if we, for example, went and stopped the Black Plague.  There is nearly an infinite number of variables that could change every moment of history up to that point.  All in all, it would probably be better for us if we  just left well enough alone. 
   Of course, that dosen't mean that some "evil geinus" can't push the issue, and build a time machine on his own.  If time travel ends up being possible, eventually, somebody is going to discover it.  Then, somebody else is going to have to figure out a way to prevent historical tampering with the "Time Police" or some other kind of Van-Damme type of thing.  Also, if time travel is possible, it is very likely that sombody from the future has already altered history somehow, that we simply know as fact.  Who knows what our original history might have been.  Are we better off, or worse?

7-5-00 God Bless the Savings
  Well, it is Independance Day again, and we all know what that means.  That's right!  It's time for mega-savings at your neighborhood Ford dealer!  We hold these truths to be self-evident:  that you can't beat these low, low prices!  And in honor of the greatest nation the earth has ever known, we've got 12 packs of Bud Light, only $4.99!  Bring the kids, and we'll give them miniature American flags while you shop for furniture!
   Well, it didn't take long.  We have finally become a nation, not of citizens, but of consumers.  Holidays are not holidays, unless we can get a good deal on spark plugs and diapers.  Nowadays, more people know the lyrics to the latest McDonald's jingle than those of the National Anthem.  Have millions of American soldiers died, that we may have cheap mayonesse and panty hose?  Did our founding fathers actually seek freedom from high prices as we are led to believe on TV?  Does Mt. Rushmore really sing?  Did Lincoln free the slaves, and pass the savings on to you?
   Now, let's face it.  Capitalism has given communism an enormus wedgee from which it may never recover.  As long as you have human beings in the equation, communism would never work.  In the human psyche, there will always be the unquenchable need for lots and lots of big shiny things.  Things that Karl Marx can't promise you, but Wal-Mart can.  Capitalism has granted us unprecidented prosperity, borderlining oppulence.  But there is that double-edged sword, which thrusts upon us the idea that the aquisition of stuff is the primary function of any red-blooded American.  Keep spending, America!  It is your duty as patriotic consumers, er citizens!

6-25-00  Hey, Remember Me?  I'm Your Nemesis!
  Wow!  Time really flies doesn't it?  It's nearly been 10 years since the Gulf War got started when our good old buddy, Saddam Hussein and his Wacky Iraqis did a number on Kuwait, a nation who most of us would have never heard of, if they didn't have the brilliant sense of showmanship go get invaded.  Ol' Saddam thought we could pull a fast one on us, but we said, "Yea, as if!  You best be gettin' yo' raggedy (expletive) outta there, before we gotta go over dere and cap some (expletive)!"  Despite the colorful language used by President Bush (Big Bush, not President-Elect, Baby Bush), the message was clear:  We would not stand by while any oil...uh, peace-loving nation gets conquered by some sissy Stalin look-alike with a beret.  We believe that every country has the right to be oil... er, free.
   Well, we sure showed him!  After Saddam's armies fought valiantly for nearly four days, we bested him mightily, restoring the democracy-like utopia that was the Kuwati Monarchy.  And Hussein was carried off in chains to face the largest sheet of war crime charges since Nurenburg.  The only problem is, we didn't actually capture President Mustache.  In fact, he's still in power, outlasting his Amercian counterpart for 8 years and counting.  Heck, he'll probably outlast Little Bush's term as well!  Oh well.  I'm sure he learned his lesson.  He's been a perfect little genleman since.  We barely have to air strike his nuclear and chemical weapon installations barring U.N. inspectors now.  It's a wonder how his people follow him so much.  Still, when was the last time such a pip-squeak leader had the entire world declare war on him, and still remain in power a decade after the fact.  Heck, even fellow nut-job Hitler couldn't get that done!  Maybe the Allies in World War II should have just taken France and left well enough alone.  It's not like those were Americans getting killed in concentration camps, so why should we get involved?
  Oh well, maybe next time, we'll know the greater glory of comprimised victory.

6-18-00  "Duh":  Moniker of the Lame
   Duh
   It is a word we hear and use far too often these days.  It is meant to emphasize simple decision-making, or foolish actions regarding another person.  The intent, is to sarcastically mimic the simple sound that a person of low intelligence might make if they were so inclined.  The fact is, not even an idiot would use such a word in his or her own right.  The half-word, "duh" has become a colloquialism to be used against anyone that a self-important acid tongue deems deserving of sarcastic ridicule.  The fact is, this slur is so widely overused, that it has lost all of its meaning.  It has become a catch phrase for those who wish to sound spitefully witty, but lack the imagination or courage to devise a more elaborate retort.  Rather than give up our self respect and allow this word to slip into our lexicon permanantly, let us resolve to banish it from our verbal reparte once and for all. 

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