The Top 13 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO:

13. Its clever name ~ "Whatevercare"

12. Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.

11. Anesthesia? Your choices: Whiskey, a bullet to bite on, or a Louisville Slugger to the head.

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. "Chemotherapy" machine looks suspiciously like a tanning bed.

8. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

7. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

6. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

5. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

4. No X-ray machine, but each doctor is issued a pair of "X-ray specs."

3. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

2. Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

1. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

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