8/01/2002 I'm up in Ramona. A person I knew in high school. Her name is Nicole Mendoza. Sophmore year I was in the same spanish class. The teacher's name was Mrs. Zimmerman. Anyway I had a crush on her. Now i'm not really attracted to her but I want to have her as a friend.. All throughout my life I've had trouble making friends. Now all my friends have moved away or stopped talking to me. I don't think i'll ever date. I'm attracted to women, I just dont know how to act around them, what to say. I just suck at making friends, how could I do anything beyond that I cant even do that. Least I'm glad I can write my feelings in this book without worrying what people think. I want to be myself and most of my life I feel like i've been acting. I dont know what that means though. When i'm not working i'm online playing games. Work lets me go to bed at a decent time but I don't feel like I'm going anywhere. Communication is what I lack. Dylan my best friend has cut off all communication now that he's moved out and can get as high as he want to. Nathan Wright moved away two years ago, and that's all the friends i have had that aren't related for my whole high school career. Makes me sad. What good is success without friends to celebrate it with. Why should I try and be successful?. Seems hollow. No one understands me least of all my dad. He helps me with stuff but we're not on the same wavelength. The only person who might understand me is my brother. I've got severe motivation problems. I just dont understand people. I feel like life is passing me by and leaving me behind in the dust. Right now I feel sad. With a bad feeling in the pit of my gut. Self pity along with a feeling of hopelessness. I guess few social skills. Hence I retreat into places where I can make friends. Online worlds. My online self: easy going guy who gets along with almost anyone makes friends and respects people based on their actions. Gives people second chances but forgiveness comes but once. Nicole's got such an interesting personality but she's also beautiful. She doesn't seem too interested though. She's moving to San Marcos on Aug 23rd. Everyone I know is out of my life. Al so I have troubles trusting people. Maybe I should go back to Dr Ward. . . . 09/10/02 Or . .. Maybe . . . No one would miss me. I'm too weak willed though. And Conditioned not to even think about it. Loneliness is a way of life. No one Understands me. |