| Dec 6th 2002 I'm tired. Dad left me a message on my answering machine. He say's he asked elaine to marry him over thanksgiving in paris. It's only been a year, i'm very skeptical. I wonder what his ulterior motive is. My place is a mess. I'm havnig a really hard time keeping it clean. Time passes so quickly and seems to go by too quickly. I'm tired of everquest, its othe only thing I know right now though. I have no friends. Dylan my old best friend smokes marijuana too much and is more of a rare game friend then anything else. Thanksgiving was boring, all the cousin's were there, uncle bill and aunt anny and my cousin clair too. I mastered the piano theme "Magus Battle" from Chrono Trigger that night. Work is becoming unbearable. Everyone I know that works there is moving on. Marlen moved to new york. Erin's leaving soon. I'm afraid to be myself all the time. I know how to get along with people at work but that's only casual aquaintances. I don't know how to bring it to the next level. I heard that Erin wanted to skate but her mother got rid of her rollerblades that her dad gave her. Dad threw away some really decent skates which I pulld out. I cleaned them up and gave them to her. She's morman. I would love to teach her how to skate but fear it would be a dissapointment. All my free time when not working is spent at home on my computer playing everquest. After the car accident I stopped going to class. I missed a test the day of the accident. I wasn't able to get a ride to class for a week and a half. All my classes are all the same. . . In the beginning I show up and follow the course and then about halfway through something happens, I slack off, dont show up for class and eighther fail or get a D or C. I know I can get better but I don't know why that happens. This semester the turning point was my car accident, other times I just cant keep it straight, I dont think its laziness because I am a hard worker when I get down to it. I need friends, I have no clue how ot make them. I have a hard time sticking up for myself, I dont know what I would do for fun without feeling embarrased. I don't know how to dance. I don't remember how to make friends or how to have fun. The loneliness bites into my heard like a cold nail piercing morbid cold flesh. Its excruciating and engulfing . What a sad sorry shape i'm in. When I work we're supposed to smile a lot. I can barely keep that faccade up. I'm going to bed now. (207am) |