| 3/01/2003 It's been awhile since I've written. I have a lot on my mind. Dad's sold the house, my brothers going to be moving down soon. I've been watching a new anime series. Its called dot hack sign. Its about this kid who plays in a game online in VR. Somehow he goes into a coma and wakes up in the game unable to log out with no control over his body outside of the game. His name's Tsukasa. I'm very much like him. He and I are almost the same nothing specific. I feel like i'm two people. I also feel disconnected. I went to the movies with some coworkers last night. Their names are tony, cody, kyle, and musie. It was fun but I get the feeling that it was a lot funner for them than it was for me. The only emotions I feel clearly are anger, loneliness, despair, and fear. Those are the only ones which come to mind. I feel lik i'm not firmly set in reality but half floating in dreams. Dreams, visions of things that my or may not come to pass. Who am I? I feel like i'm two people the most when i'm at work. A mask. I can talk to customers, take their orders but I don't feel like I belong here. Right now i cant remember a single time when i've felt like I belong anywhere. Well, whenever I read fantasy books or watch anime movies or play games online I imagine that i'm the main character. It makes me feel like I belong. I don't know how to make friends, I'm not very healthy. What a combo. I don't know a single person that's not a relative that I could cout on for anything. The only time i've ever been happy that i can recall for no reason is at happening. I felt like i belonged, like i was accepted there but I couldn't break my shell. There is no one i can speak openly with. Online it takes a big mental effort to speak openly but it is getting easier. There's no way I can do it in the RW. As i said I feel like two people. One person is what everyone expects, normal. The other is the real me. I'm glad that i've watched the .hack//sign series. The music helps me focus and is really quite beautiful. When i'm doing potatoes at work if theres no need to go fast I tend to retreat into my mind. If i dont figure things out soon and fix them I think i'm going to die. I hate asking for help. I don't want to dump my problems on other people. I dont think I've got a choice this time though. Who should I ask? Leslie? Uncle Bill? I don't know. No one said it was going to be easy. I think i'm done for tonight. I don't know what else I want to talk about. I am Broken The main reasoning behind why I havent ever dated is that I have enough problems of my own without complicating them further. Dad keeps pushing me to date though. A date with me would be boring for them anyway. I don't know how to dance, or what to talk about. Its become in my nature to stay silent. It's not like I could tell them anything that really mattered to me. |