Its been awhile since i've done an entry. I just got this new green book. I've been thinking a lot on why i'm having problems and narrowing them down to where they came from in my past. My first problem came from when i was raised by my father. He's a perfectionist in a lot of things and very critical. Throughout middle school and high school my dad had numerous conversations with me which were one way. He talked I listened. At any time I wanted to express myselff or my opinion on a subject we were talking about he would cut me off and say that my opinion didn't matter in the working world and its just a waste of everyone's time. He would say it every single time, it became a mantra he would make me repeat. That's the first thing he taught me, that its not ok to expres myself and that its a waste of my time and anyone elses time, which translates into I'm worthless. This led on to other problems which my current ones today. If its not ok to be myself I can be anyone it is ok to be. I have almost no friends, just aquaintances. When i'm around people my behavior is governed by common interests. Anything they would be interested in i'm interested in now. I hang back observe people distantly till i have a decent idea of what their like, then I create a persona on how to act around them. Up until a few months ago this was all done subconciously, i'm aware of it now. So instead of being me. I am whatever I think they think I am. Its complicated. I haven't met anyone yet that has noticed this besides uncle bill when I first moved down, i'm not sure he picked it up or if it was just me being noncommital. This is just one problem in many compounded. The second most important problem needing to be solved is whenever graves came out I'd get long talks depending on grades with the quote B's are good A's are better. If I got b's there would be consequences equal to as if I got F's. This led to two behavioral problems. As classes got harder as I progressed through middle and high school my grades fell from A's to B's. I was always reinforced with negative support. If i got B's I would bet a lecture as if I got F's. I figured why should I work my ass off just to be yelled at for decent grades. So after freshmen year in high school my grades slowly dropped from B's to C's to C's and a D to senior year where I got an F. That was from 12-18. The other problem I had from this was an all or nothing mentality. Which is killing me now in college. I've been going to school for almost 3 years now and I've only completed 7 units. That's two classes completed out of 17 to 20. This is really bad. Another Major problem i'm having is i'm twenty one now and I haven't even been on a first date with a girl. Originally I figured I had to many problems myself back in high school and having a girlfriend would only complicate them further. The secondary reason I have is I have something wrong with me and I have problems with going to the doctor. I'll explain a little later. As I was growing up I was brought up with the principle that you didn't go to the doctor unless it was life or death. I once woke up with an ear ache that continually got worse for 3 weeks, I was asking to see the doctor, by the end I wanted to saw my own ear off it hurt so badly and that was back when I was around 12. This is affecting me even today, I know I should set up an appointment but I keep putting it off. I was lucky when I got appendicitis that I went into the Dr. Right away. The only reasons I did go in right away was I really didn't wanna work that night and a friend from when I was a kid almost died cause she had appendicitis. I'm pretty sure my problem has the same thing. He's horribly overweight. The third reason is my fear of rejection. The latest problem I've recently noticed is all my free time is being spent binge gaming. My work environment is always stressful and on top of dad paying for my brothers side of the rent and then cutting him off, I have had to pick up all the slack. This is really stressful for me and I think this is causing me to lose myself in games. For the last three weeks I've spent all my time playing Online MMORPG's. I won't leave the game till I'm too exausted or its been 7-10 hours since I last ate. I fell asleep at 11am last tuesday and didn't wake up till 8pm that night before jumping back on the game. It seems the more stress I have the more I fall into it. Ian still doesn't have a job and it doesn't even seem like he's even trying unless I force him to physically fill a form out. He never checks back either. I want to have children and raise a family but I'm worried to death that I'll put them through what i've gone through unconsiously. They are so receptive when they are young I could accidentally and not even know it. I'm really uncomfortable around kids because as I said earlier I make persona's up for everyone and I can't do that with kids because they don't really act or do stuff logically or rationally or even act like adults do, So I don't even know how to act around them and that makes me feel really vulnerable. I'm afraid that some little quirk I do will hurt them psychologically down the road. To have them when their my age be as conflicted as I am because of some way I acted that I hadn't thought harmfull. I would rather die first.