"Swimsuit Shopping: The Horror, The Terror, and The Fact That Your Thighs are

Bulging"-
Hilde - This is too funny, My comments are sprinkled here and there in this masterpeice by Cleckmoon.

Ah... summertime. The warm weather, the hot guys at the beach, the air conditioning...... The fat men walking around with no shirts on, the humidity and chlorine is killing your hair, the folds of your body are ALWAYS sweaty, restaurants always have their a/c's set on "meat locker", and worst of all...

YOU HAVE TO BUY A NEW SWIMSUIT. The horror...... It's always a bad thing. Sure, some of us are athletes, but big thighs will be big thighs, no matter how much you work out. And your "feminine tummy" looks like you had one too many ding-dongs while drooling over Duo/Heero/Trowa/Quatra/Woofie/Zechs's hot body(ies) (especially Heero in his spandex pants and lithe body... Mmm.. Take off the tank top, damnit!).... Uh, anyway... so basically, Unless you're a sexy anorexic twig or a small American Gladiator, you are NOT going to thing you look good (hell, not even the twigs and gladiators are gonna think they look good.)

I am a healthy looking person. Meaning I have thighs I don't like, an ass I don't like, and boobs I don't like. Hell, I'm blessed with what I don't want. Sure, some of you want bigger breasts, but I GOT ‘EM! Damnit, Do you know what it's like preferring sports bras over regular ones because the size of the every-day ones are just EMBARRASING? (Fact is, I wear sports bras all the time, even when I sleep. They say it's bad for your breasts, trust me, it's not. I've been doing it for years, and have no problems). Anyway, and some of you have nice breasts you are happy with. You are truly happy. For the other 99% of us, we are too big, or too small.

The Ass, or less profoundly, the butt. I don't like mine, so I call it an Ass. Anyway... That comfortable cushion that you have been sitting on for the past 9 months has become something of an embarrassment. Those of you with a skinny butt can terrorize family members by sitting on their laps and grinding their poor legs into oblivion. I have a cousin who does this at every opportunity. Most of us find it a struggle to find a bathing suit with a large enough seat so that you do not have an eternal wedgie of death. I wonder who is the God of Death Wedgies? Same person who invented the skinny-seat bathing suit. Probably not our Duo-Chan. He's not that evil.

Downward into the Thigh Area. Much like Area 51, it is an unstable area, with many visitations from foreign materials and objects. The worst type are the huge ones that jiggle with each step you take. Next, are the medium ones that jiggle with each step you take. Then the medium sized ones that DON'T jiggle with each step you take. Then there are those blessed with nice thighs. Below that, are the skeletons like Relena who probably have NO thighs. They are to be feared, and respected, because they are probably witches or aliens from another dimension. That's why I always give my cousin (the one with the bony butt) offerings of flowers and incense whenever we go to see them.

In conclusion, unless you have one hell of a good self-esteem, or are a super model, or work on the cast of "Baywatch", us poor women will never be happy with out looks (but at least most of us look better then the fat guys who insist on wearing a Speedo... ick.) Next up in my commentarys about swim suits.... The awful things that happen when you actually put on and USE the swim suit at your local beach or pool.

The insane pyro FOREVER!!!

-Cleckmoon "The Amazing" Monsiple