Notes: Duo's song is pieces of a poem that I wrote after reading "A Farewell to Arms," centered around Catherine.  The ending was originally, naturally, a reference to her death, but I figured that the metaphorical "emotional death or despair" fits just as well, and I didn't really want to write another poem...  ^_^  The title of the fic is also the title of the poem, and I don't think it really fits with the theme of the story, but I like it anyway!

Warnings: This story is YAOI 1x2, very sappy, and a little angsy, but no lemons or anything!

Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me and I am making no money doing this.  Suing me is no good, since the sum total of my posessions is a rather small anime and manga collection, one rather smelly little dog, and my beloved computer!  Oh, this is so much fun!  I get to write my own disclaimer after having read so many!  ^_^

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Crucible
by LaMangust

          The lights flared on with the first pounding notes, beaming down red and blue through the artificial smoke to envelop the stage in a thin cloak of bright purple.  The music hung, electronically suspended as a figure appeared through the mist, the haze slowly taking shape.  The crowd roared.
          He stood, legs apart, head bent over his guitar still resonating from that one, powerful chord.  Tight black pants and similar shirt revealed his form and silver gleamed at his slim waist and delicate wrists.  The cheers intensified, rising to a high-pitched female scream as the figure lifted his head, presented his dazzling smile to the world, and stepped up to the microphone.  He opened his mouth, and everyone else in the huge hall followed, bursting into song together.  The singer brought his arm down across the guitar strings, blasting another chord into the arena, throwing his head as he did, setting his signature long braid into flying motion.  The song was wild and exhilarating, breaking through the crowd like a wave, instilling it with an artificial heartbeat of rhythm provided by the newly materialized band.  The four performers played their souls into the music, giving it a life of its own as it coiled around and through the people, unstoppable.
 

          One unnoticed watcher stood still amidst the undulating mass of screaming fans, eyes riveted to the figure of the singer as he gyrated around the stage with all the energy Heero remembered, the flashing silver bangles that adorned his lithe form accentuating his grace of movement.  He was honestly confused about why he was here, other than the desire to see Duo in person after such a long time.  Some small part of his mind scolded him for skulking in the shadows, so to speak, when Duo would have been overjoyed to see him, but he ignored it, convinced that someone as successful as Duo was now had no need of reminders of his harder days.
          It had been several years since the wars finally ended, the Preventers were no longer needed, and the Gundam pilots had parted ways, each pursuing his own path.  Duo had risen to greatness in that time, and his fame was the reason Heero was there, in the pulsating crowd, watching his one-time friend from a distance as he gave to the world the energy and life that had once been reserved only for his four fellow pilots.
          Duo’s face was everywhere: in magazines, on television, and in the numerous rock videos played over and over on the music channels.  His name was on the lips of every teen in the city, his patented smile and laugh out for the world to see.  He was inescapable, haunting Heero.  His fixation with the long-haired pilot-turned-rockstar had begun as simple curiosity, but had gotten to the point where he could no longer keep himself away.  He could not shake the feeling of wrongness that seeing Duo displayed brought, his charms going to the highest bidder.  If he hadn’t known better, he might have though it was jealousy.
          Whatever it was, it would not leave Heero’s mind until he had reconciled himself with what his friend and fellow warrior had become.  So he had come to see Duo perform, just once, just one more glimpse of his one-time friend before he let him slip into the past as he had so many others.
          Heero was jerked from his reverie as the hall fell silent, the sudden absence of noise deafening to his ears.  The sounds of a few soft notes emerged from the silence, issuing from Duo’s guitar.  It was another song, one he had never heard before, each individual sound coaxed slowly, painfully, from the instrument with which Duo worked his new magic.  The rest of the band was no longer visible, and Duo stood alone, bathed in red light, like a bleeding dark angel, the expression on his face one of utter sorrow.
          Heero gasped internally.  What could bring such pain to Duo?  If anybody…  The though ended abruptly as Duo began to sing, the expression on his face translating perfectly into his voice, the loss and loneliness aching across the hall to spear Heero in the heart.  He resolved at that moment to do anything necessary to make Duo happy again.  Whatever it took, he would make Duo’s laughter authentic, as it had never been.  His ears turned to the music.

… you walked ahead of me.
Never looked back.
I stood in your shadow.
Backlit in glory, you,
Blinding me, binding me,
My soul abandoned…

          Heero’s eyes widened as he comprehended the meaning of the words.  Duo had been in love!  But who could it have been??  Who, in the years since they had talked, had Duo been with that could have caused the pain that ran from him now like blood from a mortal wound?
          Heero scanned his memory, recalling that Duo had been notorious with the media for not having any relationships.  Which had led to the question about his “orientation.”  The energetic youth’s response to the probing inquiry had been heated and swift, erasing all doubts in the mind of the public which way he leaned.  If the media reporters could be trusted, then noone had been with Duo since he and Heero had blasted OZ mecha to shrapnel together.

…the battle is over,
The end of the war.
And destiny follows.
I follow no more…

The final strains of the music died slowly, fading into shimmering air.  Heero looked to the large screen trained on Duo’s face, and his eyes widened again as he saw the violet eyes closed, Duo’s face tracked with silent tears.
          What was happening?  Heero turned the possibility of the Maxwell Church disaster over in his mind, but quickly dismissed it.  The church from which Duo took his name had never carried with it this kind of sadness.  Anger, sorrow, horror, and guilt, but never this aching loneliness that Heero saw openly on Duo’s face.  And the song was aimed at only one person.  He was sure of it.
          Heero knew that he could not leave Duo like this, no matter what their relationship had dwindled to in the past few years.  He would seek him out alone later.
 

          Duo sat, looking rather dejectedly at his reflection.  The concert had ended on a somber note, but the crowd had loved it.  It had been his first performance of that song, and he was pleased with the reception.  That wasn’t the problem.  That wasn’t why he felt that his soul carried the weight of the world.  It was the meaning of the song itself that sobered him.  He had never before been so open in his music, and when he had sung the last note, opened his eyes, and found that he had been crying, it shocked him to the core.
          That song had been written years ago, when he was still a Gundam pilot, and had begun as a poem, finally emerging into song, complete, the day Duo had given up on his love.  The day he had renounced his feelings for Heero Yuy.  Not even Duo could keep trying forever with no return.  Not a smile, not a word, not even a glance most days.  He had finally given up and broken down, crying for the first time in years that night.
          He could have sworn he had felt Heero watching him tonight.  That cold, impersonal gaze that always set the hairs on his arms on end.  The thrill that went up his spine, simply because that gaze was Heero’s.  But Heero had not come after the show.  Indeed, Heero had not come at all in over three years, and this was the main reason why Duo had pulled out that song for tonight.  The emptiness that had been pooling in him in the years since he had written that song had finally needed an outlet.  So now he sat, in the aftermath of his own self-inflicted storm, watching his tired eyes in the mirror and repeatedly cursing himself and any gods present.
          There was a knock on the door, drawing his attention from the sorrowful image in the mirror.  His eyes widened.  That knock…
          But no, his shoulders slumped in defeat.  Duo no baka.  It’s no use wishing for things that will never happen.
          He stood slowly and walked to the door, opening the lock before turning to return to his chair.  “It’s open.”
          Duo heard the door open.  He felt the rush of a familiar presence, and a voice he remembered and clung to like a prisoner clings to sunlight asked, “Duo?”
          He spun around quickly, eyes widening impossibly large.  When he could finally speak, all that came out was a whisper.
“Heero…”
 

          Heero approached the door silently, calling on old skills that had served him well in years past, and would do the same now.  He saw the door.  It was unassuming: no big star, no huge lettering or bright colors.  In other words, completely atypical Duo.  The small green door, the same color as the surrounding walls, was adorned with a small plastic rectangle, announcing it to be the room of “Duo.”  No more.
          Heero looked bemusedly at the door for a minute, then stared at in nervously for a few more.  I… I’m nervous, he thought, scarcely believing what he was feeling.  Trying to convince himself that he had no reason to be scared of Duo, he raised his hand to knock, even as the small voice in the back of his mind that seemed always to undermine him told him that he did indeed have reason to be nervous; he had not talked to Duo in years, deliberately ignoring him, not returning the few communications that his former partner had sent.  He once again ignored the voice, and knocked.
          The silence from within the room was unbroken, and Heero was about to leave, when the lock clicked and Duo’s achingly familiar voice called, “It’s open.”
          Heero opened the door as quietly as possible, and entered the room, his eyes wandering about the walls, as unassuming and impersonal as the door, before coming to rest on the black-clad figure in front of him, back turned to Heero.  A welter of unusual emotions rose in him, leaving him wanting to go to Duo and tell him… something.  The youth was so close… so close…
          Heero swallowed, and spoke, “Duo?”
          He saw Duo stiffen for a millisecond, then turn quickly, his eyes wide with incredulity.  “Heero?”
          Heero was unprepared for the look in Duo’s eyes.  It was shocked, open, and awed, but the flash of pain that lanced through those large blue-violet pools struck Heero to the core.  It almost felt as if he had a reason to apologize.  As if he had been the cause of Duo’s pain.  But that was impossible.  Wasn’t it?
          Duo’s shocked expression was overlaid with a deep weariness, dulling the usually bright eyes.  Duo spoke slowly, falteringly, something else that the talkative former-pilot had never done.
          “What… what are you doing here?”
          The question was shocked and a bit panicked, like his eyes, as if Duo felt trapped by his, Heero’s, presence.  The long-haired boy slapped his hand over his mouth suddenly, looking even more spooked.
          “Oh, God, Heero!  That’s not what I meant!  I… I’m so glad to see you, but, I mean, what brings you here after so long?”
          Heero relaxed, though he wasn’t sure if it was visible to Duo.  The other boy had always been good at reading him, at reading all of them, but he decided to speak to reassure Duo with his voice.  “Hello, Duo.  It’s been a while.”
          The expressive face betrayed how stunned Duo was feeling.  “Yes.  It has,” he said, softly.  Heero was feeling more than a little uncomfortable, and he had never been really good at making idle conversation or had much of taste for beating around the bush, so he decided to get straight to the reason why he had come.
          “Duo, who did you write that song for?”
 

          Duo’s mouth dropped open, and he opened and closed it a few times like a fish out of water.  He couldn’t help it.  He knew which song Heero meant.  It was too ironic.  The very man who the song had been written for was here, asking the question to which his own name was answer.  The question had come three years too late, though, and Duo’s long-cracked heart shattered instantly with the certainty of despair.  He could not tell Heero the truth.  Not when he was here, after so long.  That would only make him disappear again, most likely forever this time.  He had lived with Heero as friend and comrade for long enough to know that friendship was better than nothing, certainly better than disgust or hate.
          “Well, nobody in particular, really,” he stalled, trying to make is voice stop shaking, “The people eat it up.  You know the business!”  His cracked a smile, but he knew it looked fake.  Duo was on the verge of tears right then and there.  “Why?”  He swallowed nervously, hoping Heero couldn’t see through him too easily, knowing without a doubt that he could.
          “Liar,” said Heero, with characteristic bluntness.
          That word brought an expected reaction out of Duo.  “I do not lie.  Ever,” he seethed.  Heero smirked, and a tiny corner of Duo’s mind noted that they fell quite easily back into their old routine and pattern of conversation, if it could be called such.  “Then tell me the truth.  Tell me who you wrote the song for.”
          Duo was stuck.  He knew he was.  There was no way around it.  Okay.  It’s Okay.  Take a deep breath.  Just say it.  If he leaves forever, at least you will have no doubts and no regrets.
          That resolve firmly in mind, Duo opened his mouth.
          “For you, Heero.  The song was for you.”
 

          “For you, Heero.  The song was for you.”
          Duo’s voice was barely a whisper, but Heero heard, and his mind went abruptly numb as his heart stopped. What did he just say???
          He noticed Duo watching him apprehensively.  Oh, Duo, why didn’t you ever tell me??  But even as he asked the silent question, he knew the answer.  The cold-hearted Heero Yuy was not exactly the person one announced one’s undying love to.  Especially if one happened to be of the same sex.  The probability of “omae o korosu” and a bullet in some, most likely vital, part of one’s body was too high.  Better to have a friend than nothing.
          The realization of how much time he had wasted by unconsciously pushing Duo away hit him like a Gundam fist in the stomach, and he wanted to scream, to rage, to cry for this beautiful boy in front of him, expecting the worst.  He finally forced his voice out of a constricted throat, “Duo, why didn’t you tell me?”
          He watched Duo blush a deep scarlet, stuttering for a second before coming out with detached words.  “I didn’t think… you know… you were always so… and Relena…”
          That got Heero’s attention.  “Relena??  You were worried about Relena??”
          If possible, Duo’s blush deepened.  “Yeah.  You two always seemed to have something.  At least, you said ‘Omae o korosu’ to her less times than to the rest of us.”  One hand snuck up to rub the back of his head in an unconscious gesture of embarrassment.  “And I just… you know…”
          Heero wanted to laugh at that.  He wanted to scream at Duo for being a blind baka.  But he was the one who had been blind.  So blind…
          The words had flown his mouth before he even thought about them, the unconscious truth that he had never been able to admit even to himself.
          “Duo, ai shiteru.”
 

          “Duo, ai shiteru.”
          He couldn’t move.  He couldn’t breathe.  His gaze was fixed squarely on his feet.  He didn’t want to break the spell, to wake from this marvelous dream, where Heero was here and telling him that he loved him.
          A slow, hiccupping sound began to come from his throat as over three years of pent up emotions fought to get out, and before he knew it, he was sobbing in Heero’s arms.  The soft agony that rose from the scattered shards of his heart forced their way out, combining with shock and despair at knowing that this was too good to be true into gut-wrenching sobs that shook his slight frame as though trying to make him fall to pieces.
 

          Heero caught Duo as he collapsed, wrapping strong arms around his love as the other youth began to sob as if trying to cry himself to death.  The dark-haired boy let Duo cry, holding him tightly, making soft soothing noises and rubbing circles between his trembling shoulder blades.
          When the shuddering had finally stopped, and the tears spent, Heero lifted Duo’s face to his and gently kissed away all traces of the tears.  He cleansed the pain and the loneliness, taking the last remnants of Duo’s sorrow into himself.  He hesitated for a moment, mouth just millimeters from the long-haired boy’s, eyes asking.
          Heero saw the silent assent and, without further hesitation, closed his mouth over Duo’s, gently prodding until Duo opened his mouth to his love.
          When they finally pulled away, the look on Duo’s face was so joyful that Heero had to smile.  He did, a real smile, to show his violet-eyed boy how he returned his feelings.  Duo’s eyes widened.
          “Heero?”
          “Nani?”
          “You smiled,” he said, the awe in his voice shaming Heero once more.
          “Hn.”
          “Do it again sometime,” Duo laughed.  It was a real laugh, full of joy and love and all things wonderful.  The laugh that Heero had never heard before, the one that was sincere.  Something inside him exulted at the beautiful sound, wanting to drink it in until he was drunk on it.
          He leaned down again to capture Duo’s mouth before responding.  “Anytime, koi.  Anything you want.  Forever.”

*******owari*******

Thanks so much for reading!  Please send me feedback at: lamangust@hotmail.com.