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Audio Script for Mike and Pete's Fun Half-Life Sound Pak ** Please note: Many of the replacement sounds are much longer than the original sounds that they replace. Because of this, you will probably find that a lot of the replacement sounds get interrupted. There is, unfortunately, no fix for this, but one thing that may help is to avoid looking at the speaker, as that sometimes prompts him to say something. Main People In Charge: Written by: Mike Chu, Pete Chu Voices By: Mike & Pete & Amanda Line suggestion by: Akimbo Beretta: Massif, Witless Boob: Gman611, Thanatos Formatted by: Dusan Disclaimers: Mike and Pete's Fun Half-Life Sound Pak, hereafter referred to as MPHLS, contains words and phrases that may be offensive to some people. (Like Mustard.) Also, MPHLS cannot be responsibel for mispelings. Or Mustard.
(This space available for rent.) What follows may be filled with useless babble. Poke the SMURF with the Pointed STICK! my BRAIN hurts I'M COO-COO FOR COCOA PUFFS! MUM'S THE WORD -- insert filler here -- SO WHAT'S DAD? Unsolicited commercial e-mail will not be tolerated and must be spanked WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? No Sci's were harmed in the making of this mod. However, Sci's SHOULD be harmed during the playing of this mod. Barney's, too. :) Players Data: SUBJECT: Gordon Freeman Simpleton with a Ph.D EDUCATION: Till Grade 3, dropped out and became an alchie (Got his Ph.D illegally @ www.BuyRespect.com) POSITION: Any except the wheelbarrow ASSIGNMENT: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs CLEARANCE: 5'9" ADMINISTRATIVE SPONSOR: That's None Of Your Business Intro Location: Intro; Train Ride Scene: Scene starts with black out but soon gets bright; you’ll pass locked-out Barney then a big open area where you’ll see first scientists. [Amanda - Woman's voice (Bruce); Pete – Australian, Mike – Scientist] Woman’s transit system voice over (Bruce) gets again and again rudely interrupted by other two Announcement system operatives, rookies on this job. Bruce: (annoyed fashion, a la Xan) Lights! Bruce: (after few seconds, still in an annoyed manner) Thank you. Australian: Sorry Bruce--my bad. Bruce: Good morning and welcome to the Black Mesa Transit System. This automated— Scientist: Oh, Barney--I've got that Schiza video you wanted. Hello? Barney! (when Barney is far away) Scientist: I'll call you later. Bruce: This automated train is provided for the security and convenience of the Black Mesa -- Australian: Take a look out the left side and you'll notice some of the facility wildlife here at Black Mesa. Down below, you'll see that when taken out of their natural habitat, these quirky little bastards tend to scamper about aimlessly. Location: Intro; Train Ride. Scene: The train slows down and you can see first mechanical stuff: room with robotic arm on left welding, cylinder swinging on right. You leave the area and enter a dark passageway, then a room with huge rocket/missile on right, some dude on forklift zooming along. Bruce: The time is 8:48 a.m. Current topside temperature-- Australian: Is irrelevant! Ha ha! Bruce: (*really* annoyed) The Black Mesa compound is maintained at a pleasant -- Australian: Right, shush. Now up on the left, there's a ferocious robotic arm. Notice the short bristles on the snout, which it uses when it hunts down it prey. Bruce: I know this is your first day on the job, boys, but remember: you're only allowed to use the mic when I'm not talking, okay? Okay. The Black Mesa compound is maintained at a pleasant 68 degrees-- Scientist: 68 degrees? I should say we'd be beyond the point of human ice cubes at that temperature! Oh--oh! You mean 68 "Fahrenheit". Tish-tosh. What happened to good old Kelvin, you backwards ignoramus! Location: Intro; Train Ride Scene: The train start going down, then passes two holes in wall. Later you enter big open area with helicopter; the noise gets launder overpowering the narrative [however listen carefully!]. Bruce: This train is inbound from Level 3 dormitories to Sector C Warm Apple Pie Research Labs. Scientist: If I may say so, in my professional capacity as a veteran of this field, Warm Apple Pie research has made huge advances in recent months, resulting in a staggering increase in the efficiency of the staff and of course, waste management. Australian: And if I may say so--sorry to interrupt, Bruce--you should take note of the 2 holes we're passing on the right, which have absolutely no significance whatsoever. Bruce: In the event of an emergency, it is imperative to (softer and mumbled) stop, drop, and roll. (normal speaking volume again) Also, if it is necessary to exit the train, disabled personnel should be used without hesitation to cushion your fall. Bruce: (continued) Please stay away from electrified rails, hostile military personnel, and creatures from another plane of existence, and proceed to an emergency station until assistance arrives. Scientist: And while we're at it, I should point out that any suspicious cafeteria food should be avoided at all costs. Let no food item by exempt from this, no matter how arousing its aroma may be. Australian: In particular, stay clear of the new menu item they call "Five cheese Casserole". Location: Intro; Train Ride Scene: As the train moves into hallway, lights start turning on as we move in; Big door opens and we pass a generators things with scientist; You can see a train carrying cargo; then the train stops while another train will pass in front of us; then our train resumes motion. Bruce: A reminder that the Black Mesa Hazard Course Pie-athalon will commence this evening at nineteen hundred hours in the Level 3 facility. Safety glasses are required, and participants without their standard regulation butt-plugs will be disqualified immediately. Remember more lives than your own may depend on your fitness. So put some effort into it-- As you pass a scientist walking by: Scientist: Good Morning Walter! That Lube Tube you ordered just came in! It was a bit of a special request.. (laud slap) Australian: I'd like to take this time to say that if you look out to your right, you'll see absolutely nothing. (laud slap) Oi, I told you I'm not your he-bitch. If you slap me again, I'm going to jam my thumb up your butt--(hard punch into face) Bruce: Look, I'm trying to give the crucial transit system voice over that Gordon needs to hear everyday, and I can't very well do it with you two interrupting me willy-nilly, so shut your pie holes! Scientist: Now, is that my Warm Apple Pie Hole of my Chocolate Pie Hole? (kick into nuts) Oh, my nutsicles.. Bruce: That's enough of your shenanigans. Location: Intro; Train Ride Scene: As the train start descending again, you can see robotic walker on right going into toxic waste. Later you can see the G-man on left in another train. Bruce reads HL script, getting softer but steadily angrier when Australian and Scientist interrupt her again. Bruce: A reminder to all Black Mesa personnel: Regular radiation and biohazard screenings are a requirement of continued employment in the Black Mesa Research Facility. Bruce: Missing a scheduled urinalysis or radiation check-up is grounds for immediate termination. Bruce: If you feel you have been exposed to radioactive or other hazardous materials <pause> in the course of your duties, contact your Radiation Safety Officer immediately! The guys interrupt Bruce again: Australian: Now here's a rare Taiwanese sludge-walker--a very dangerous predator. As you pass the G-man in the passing train. Scientist: Goodness me, it's the Administrator off to our left! I've heard some rather funky rumors about that one. Australian: Yeah, I hear that though he's called the G-MAN, he's actually a woman. Bruce stops reading around this point, loosing her patience. Scientist: Yes, and I hear he doesn't brush his teeth after lunch. And though it may be hard to believe, I know for a fact that he likes his coffee crisp. Finally Bruce looses the temper completely and inevitable happens. Bruce: That's IT. On the word "it", sound of magnum echoes followed by body thumps to the ground Australian: Oh, crikey. (another magnum shot, thump, paint sound effect) As the train pulls into the final station: Bruce: Work safe, work smart. Your future depends on it. Now arriving at Warm Apple Pie Research Labs. As the security guard approaches the train to let you out. Bruce: Please stand back from the automated door and wait for the dirty-minded security officer to verify your identity. If you have any complaints, keep your trap shut, or I'll pop a cap in your ass. Thank you and have a very safe and productive day. Location: Train Ride, Exit. Scene: A security guard "Barney" opens the door of your train: Barney: Morning, Mr. Freeman. Looks like your running late. That's a swell looking tie. ** Line Suggestions For this Chapter 01 - Anomalous Materials ==> Warm Apple Pie Research Labs Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Lobby. Scene: Barney at reception desk: Barney: Hey Mr. Freeman, I had a bunch of messages for you, including a couple from that Russian Mail-Order Wife company. The Administrator thought that the rest of your messages were too dirty, so he told me to delete them. I mean, really! 60 year old women?? Uh, anyway, they were having a bunch of trouble at the test labs--oh, and they asked that you bring them that warm apple pie that you promised them three days ago. If you press button under the reception desk an alarm goes off and guard chastises you: Barney: C'mon Gordon! You know those flashing lights make me dizzy! Scientist sprints toward fax machine in corner if you push the button. Scientist: Get away from there Freeman, didn't your mother ever tell you not to touch my privates--er, private equipment? Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Toilet Stall. Scene: Dude on toilet comments the situation on hand: Dude on toilet: Ah, curse my lack of observation, there's no toilet paper in here. Uh, hello, excuse me, could you pass a roll of toilet paper please? Hello? Hellooo? Fine, I'll just have to use my hand then. When you turn off the lights, start the alarm, screw up the microwave, the scientist says: Scientist: Stop your tomfoolery you little hooligan! Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Almost Soundproof Room Scene: Scientist and the Administrator are having a "between four eyes" discussion, the room is almost soundproof so all you can hear is only an indistinguishable mumbling. But when you ear drop carefully: Scientist: Mumble mumble mumble, big breasts, mumble mumble mumble.. Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Lab Airlock Scene: Security Guard turns you away from airlock door when you haven't put on your hazard suit: Barney: Sorry Mr. Freeman, but I've got explicit orders not to let you thrugh without your hazard suit on, because DEATH AWAITS YOU WITH BIG, POINTY TEETH!!! Once you've put on your suit he says: Barney: Wow, don't you look spiffy in that nice hazard suit? Too bad there'll be a huge explosion and you'll be pitted against a legion of hideous alien beasts that want to rip your puny, pock-marked head off. Oh, you can go through now.. Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Lab Exit Scene: Security Guard turns you away from door you're not authorized to enter beyond the conference rooms. Barney: You've got the wrong airlock, Mr. Freeman. You know I can't let you through here.. Unless you have one of those warm apple pies, that is. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.. Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Computer Room. Scientist 1: Hidilee-ho, Gordo. Scientist 2: Big day today, Freeman. Ah, the incredible irony of it all! Scientist 3: This analysis will run perfectly today, don't you think? No, wait! I have a horrible vision of both DEATH and DESTRUCTION to ALL! NOOOOO!!! Oh, wait, never mind. Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Test Lab Control Room Scene: Three scientists describe today's experiment scenario: Scientist 1: Ah Gordon, there you are. Did you uhh bring that warm apple pie we asked for? Scientist 2: Don't mind me, Gordon, I'm just fiddle-farting around, just like that dick sitting over there with his thumb up his ass. Scientist 3: [Geeky voice] The Administrator expressed his concern that you should go through all of the standard cleansing procedures this time. The other suit wearers have been complaining about itchy crotches. Scientist 1: They're waiting for you Gordon. In the *test* chamber. (add: frightening chords, vocalized by the scientist) Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Hallway Between Control Room And Elevator. Scene: Equipment explodes; two scientists discuss it: Scientist 1: It's about to go critical. Remember: Duck and Cover!! Scientist 2: [Nicholson voice] What the *hell* is going wrong with our equipment? Scientist 1: It wasn't meant to do this in the first place. It was just supposed to be the machine that goes, "Ping!" Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Test Chamber Airlock. Scene: Your final briefing before entering the Test lab. Two scientists seal you in an airlock at the entrance to the lab to describe today's experiment. Scientist 1: I'm afraid we'll be deviating a bit from standard procedures today, Gordon. Scientist 2: Yes, deviating. We are a big ol' bunch of deviates, aren't we? Scientist 1: Yes, quite so. Scientist 2: But not nearly as deviate as those Hanson brothers. Scientist 1: I'm particular fond of that younger one. You know, the one that looks like a boy. Scientist 2: Oh really? I believe I lean more towards that boyish, girlish look. Scientist 1: I suppose we all have our tastes. Hmm, that was certainly off-topic. Scientist 2: Indeed. Well, let's let him in now. Gordon, do your.. thingy. Location: Warm Apple Pie Research Labs, Test Chamber Disaster. Scene: Player enters Test chamber from the airlock. All scientists' voices are over the intercom voice over. Scientist 1: Testing, testing.. (insert: Sesame Street counting song) Scientist 2: Ok, Gordon, your suit should keep you comfortable through all this, except of course, you'll find it hard to scratch a few places.. (mumble) specimen being brought in.. if you would be so good as to climb up and turn on the rotors, we can bring the.. to 80%.. carrier being brought in.. If player is doing nothing, scientist is getting impatient: Scientist 2: Gordon, are you just sitting there with your thumb up your ass? Climb up and start the rotors. Then even more: Scientist 2: Climb up, and start the frickin' rotors! When you start the rotor he says: Scientist 2: Very good, Gordon. Smoke'em if you've got'em. Scientist 1: You know, I don't see why we need that simpleton with a Ph.D to push a little cart into the beam anyway. Scientist 2: Hmph. Look at him standing there with his thumb up his ass. I wonder if that's where he keeps his Ph.D. You know, he's probably trying to decide how to grip his tool about now. Scientist 1: Umm.. wait a minute, isn't this microphone still on? Scientist 2: Oh SHI— Scientist 1: Standard insertion for a non-standard specimen, Gordon. Hehe, I got that line from "How to make love to an alien". Scientist 1: Gordon, this system is running the newest version of Windows, so we have no idea how long we have before we see the blue screen of death. Work as quickly as you can. [This one gets repeated] Scientist 1: Were you quite satisfied with the jello they served at last night's banquet? I was absolutely disgusted! Why must they insist on serving purple jello all the time? What's wrong with strawberry red? Or lickety limey green? Scientist 2: Indeed, I'm rather partial to lickety lime myself. My preference is for little cubes that don't have those hideous eyes in them. Scientist 1: Say, ummm.. shouldn't one of us be overseeing the status of the experiment? Scientist 2: Hmm.. perhaps. Yet I am so much more concerned about what we will be served for dessert tonight. Scientist 1: Oh look, the sample has arrived. Gordon, you know what to do. Scientist 1: Oh dear! (probably a standard line) Now the beam effects crackle out of control: Scientist 2: What is he doing in there?? Scientist 1: Hmm, looks like he's got his thumb up his arse. Scientist 2: Gordon! Get away from the beams! Scientist 1: Shutting down.. attempting shut down.. It's not.. it's not shutting down.. oh we.. oh my God we're gonna die! (mix in- Scientist 2: Move aside, you pansy!! Let the Kung Fu Master do this!! SHUT UP!!!) Scientist ?: Ohh! Scientist 1,2: (two different screams) But they're everywhere now, things crashing down, lights failing. A beam zaps the control booth. Screams. 02 - Unforeseen Consequences ==>Nonsensical Pineapples Location: Nonsensical Pineapples, Broken Plasma Tank Room. Scene: After you come up from the broken test chamber, you meet two scientists outside the elevator. One sits on the ground shaking his head, in shock. The other is comforting him. Scientist 1: Why didn't I listen? Scientist 2: Yo, foo--tried to warn you, foo'! Later on the scientists notice you: Scientist 1: 1. I never thought I'd see such a beautiful Five Cheese Casserole, let alone ingest one. Scientist 2: 2. Crazy foo'--told you you'd get constipated. Now you gots to suffa, sucka, cuz we all outta Turbo-Lax! Scientist 1: 3. Say, wasn't your speech previously marked by a decidedly burlesqued Indian accent? Scientist 2: 4. What'cha talkin' bout, foo'? I got no time for the jibba'-jabba'. Hey Gordon, lookin' mighty cute in that tight hazard suit. I pity the foo' who don't have one. Scientist 1: 5. Oooohh.. sooo.. constipated.. oh can't move.. it want's move.. ooohh.. Gordon, you'll have to get Mr. T to active the retinal scanners. You lead the scientist to the retinal scanners; and he opens the control room door for you: Location: Nonsensical Pineapples, Top Of Elevator. Scene: After the elevator crash, you climb up the shaft and come out in time to see Barney fighting a zombie. Barney: Look, I'm sorry I ate that last warm apple pie, but you were a little pre-occupied at the time so I didn't think you'd mind! -- Oh, Gordon, man am I ever glad to see you! I've been keeping these FrEaks busy with Shadow Puppets but they've caught on to my shenanigans! Location: Nonsensical Pineapples, Train Platform . Scene: If you go back through the lobby and out onto the train platform where you came in, the catwalk creaks when you step on it. Scientist: No, no, no! Stay back! Gordon! Screams as he falls: Scientist: Daaaaa you little bi--!!!! 03 - Office Complex ==> Cheese Is Good Location: Cheese Is Good, Barnacle Lounge Scene: A scientists waits in the darkened room full of barnacles, just outside the elevator where you arrive in the office complex: Scientist: Gordon! If I'd known it was you, I wouldn't need a clean pair of tight Power Rangers underwear right now. Everyone's turned chicken-poopie, and is heading for the surface. That, or straight up, legs twitching in gruesome death spasms. Kudos to that Barnacle, it sure does know how to get 'a-head.' Location: Cheese Is Good, Dark Office Scene: Scientist shuts off lights as you pass his hiding place. If you go around to him, he says: Scientist: The lights? Oh, I wanted to get a bit of shut-eye, you see.. I was just um.. erm.. oh that Playboy Magazine? I swear the pages were stuck together when I got here!! (nervous chuckle) --[Massif-inspired] Location: Cheese Is Good, Scientist In A Stairwell. Scientist: I just overheard a secure access transmission on my Pokeemon walky-talky. Soldiers have arrived and they're coming to give us the cooties! If they tell you that your shoelaces are untied don't bend over to check. A word from the wise. --[by Thanatos] Location: Cheese Is Good, Final Elevator Shaft. Scene: Dangling scientist looses grip. Scientist: Gee, I wish I could scratch my itchy nutsicles right now. Hmm. Maybe if I just reach my arm down.. Screams as he falls: Scientist: I love you! Location: Cheese Is Good, Corridors Scene: Throughout the office complex, Security Guard warns you not to rely on cavalry. Barney: Hey, hell are doing what here down the you? Get to-- Who's messing with my lines again?! Barney: Hey, don't count on the cavalry fin--hey, Count. Barney: THE Count. Yeah, man, he was so cool.. Hey, wait a sec--why am I talking about him as if he's dead or something? He's not dead, he's--hey, speaking of dead, check out this impression I've been working on: 'One, one Dead Barney on the floor! Ah, ah, ah! TWO!! Two Dead Barney's on the floor. Ah, ah, ah!' Hmm.. of course, there could only be 2 Dead Barney's here if I were to mysteriously die--and how would THAT possibly happen, eh Gordo? ** Line Suggestions For this Chapter 04 - "We've Got Hostiles" ==> Freeman's Man-Panties Location: Freeman's Man-Panties, Security Booth Scene: You step off an elevator into a high security storage area. To your left, a control/security booth is staffed by one security guard. Opposite the booth is a sealed silo door. A scientist pounds on the security booth, screaming at the guard: Scientist 1 (A la Eek the Cat): Kumbaya! Open the silor door; soldiers are coming to touch our asses! Oh, you look a little busy. --[Thanatos-inspired] The guard turns to the button that opens the silo door, and is attacked by a zombie which emerges from a vent behind him: Scientist 1 (continued): Don't worry, I'll open it -- it never hurts to h--- (help, uh oh -- aaaargh!). --[Thanatos-inspired] Location: Freeman's Man-Panties, Executions. Scene: As you progress through the security storage area, you see various scientists running up to human soldiers. The scientist are relieved to see the "cavalry".. but their relief is short-lived. The soldiers simply execute them. Scientist: Shoot me! I'm expendable, like 98% of the Star Trek crew! –[Massif-inspired] Various Scientist Voices: Scientist: Oh wow, I love men in uniform! [this one is used twice] Scientist: Rescued at last! Let's celebrate this moment with Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup! Location: Freeman's Man-Panties, Overheard From Airshaft. As you crawl over a soldier in the room below: Grunt: I touched the asses of twelve dumbass scientists and not one of'em reciprocated. This sucks.. almost as much as I wish they did. –[Thanatos-inspired] Location: Freeman's Man-Panties, Silo Door Control Room Scene: After clambering through the airshafts, you come back into the control room where you can open the door into Silo D. The scientist hiding in the room speaks, but blunders on the "a" word, "annihilate": Scientist: Well, so much for those burly military boys. Their idea of containment is to annigitate.. an.. anni.. annigilate.. anni.. uhh--wait, wait, let me start over. (clearing throat) Well, so much for those burly military boys. Their idea of containment is to AnyHighlight.. Annie Hill Ate.. uhhm.. (clearing throat) Well, so much for those burly military boys. Their idea of containment is to.. (clearing cough and then coughs over the "a" word.) everyone associated with the project! Judging from those panties you're wearing, I'd say you tried to get on their good side, eh? Not that I object to the idea. Far from it, I'm wearing a pair of Victoria's Secret myself. Now look, if anyone can do anything about something, then something anyone can do anything about should be too hard not to find. Theorectally, anyway. However, we need someone not to do just anything. Anyway, we need those Lambda boobs to do nothing no one can't do. I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it's the dog-gone truth. If they haven't been sodomized to death by now, you'll find them at the opposite end of the base. You'll have to take a left to get there, and, and then a right, or, or was it a right followed by a straight pass through then two lefts, and possibly going up and down and inside this little thingy? Anyway, if you can make it through the spank machine and automated poop extractors, you might be able to.. ah forget it.. you're doomed! –[Massif-inspired] ** Line Suggestions For this Chapter 05 - "Blast Pit" ==> Thingies Location: Thingies, Inside The Rocket Silo. Scene: Dying scientist pleads with you as you approach tentacle. Scientist: Change.. You got change, mister? (a la bum in UHF) Yeah, give me some lovin', eeaah. Location: Thingies, Tentacle Silo Control Room. Scene: Audio for the scientist being grabbed by tentacle. Pure terror. Scientist: No.. I swear I didn't touch your sister! Nooooo! Location: Thingies, Silo Corridor. Scene: You are creeping through corridors that surround the shell of a rocket-test silo which is inhabited by an immense tentacle with acute hearing. A Security Guard warns you to stay very quiet. Barney: (Shouting) HEY, GORDON! YOU'D BETTER BE QUIET IF YOU WANNA GO IN THERE--THIS THING *HEARS* US! I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S STILL THERE THOUGH--HAVEN'T HEARD A THING FOR A FEW HOURS NOW. Another security guard, throwing caution to the wind, makes a desperate and noisy attack on the giant tentacle, firing his gun and charging at it. Barney: Octopus-thing, you are about to become my bitch! –[Akimbo Beretta-inspired] Location: Thingies, Path To Power Silo. Scene: Scientist in corridor inspecting inactive power gauges. The guy doesn't have a clue. Scientist: I hope no one expects me to start up the poop extractor. Last time they got me to do it, the danged thing almost stole my dingleberry collection, if you know what I mean. –[Akimbo Beretta-inspired] Scientist huddled atop power generator, hiding. He will get rather embarrassed. Scientist: Ah, Bennet, there you are. You're late. Forgive my covered backside, but it was getting cold waiting for you up here. Oh, oh wait a minute, you're not Walter! [embarrassed laugh] Ah.. Don't mind me, Gordo.. I'm just, errr.. practicing my lines for next week's play. Yes. Oh, oh, that's not very good, is it? Umm.. I've been.. uhh.. looking for my contact lens. Yes, that's it! Oh, wait--I mean--I mean my glasses lens. Yes-yes. It just slipped right out. Just--'whoopsy daisy!'--out like a lubed piece of meat. Uhh.. hmm. [wait] Now where did I put that jelly? Doughnut! Yes, uh.. that wonderful jelly doughnut. You're, you’re still here, aren't you? On the return trip, the scientist contemplates the working power meter in corridor. Scientist: Thank goodness, *someone* has started up the generator. I bet it was Smithers, he's a great guy.. and a beast in the sack! –[Akimbo Beretta-inspired] ** Line Suggestions For this Chapter 06 - Power Up ==> Push The Big Red Button.. No, You Fool! Not That One! Location: Push The Big Red Button.. No, You Fool! Not That One!, Track Control Room. Scene: A security guard lies dying on the floor of a train track control room. Barney: Miss.. errr.. Mister, sorry --- it's the hair.. You look like the suicidal..err..adventurous type. How's about turning the power on? That train will take us straight to the surface. Well, not exactly in a straight line, more like a scenic tour route. I'd try it myself, but I tripped over a soggy crouton and can't get up. After you come back from switching on the power, if Barney still lives: Barney: Oh, you.. got the power on? Well, you'd better go on without me. I'd never make out with-- make it out with you. Besides, I tore a hole in my underoos, and I'm afraid if I get up one of those little buggers out there is going to try to violate me! -- What's that? You killed all of them? Oh. Well, to tell the truth, I'm not too sure about you scientist types either. I mean, with the lack of women down here, who knows what kind of things people will resort to. Especially that G-man.. except I *KNOW* what he'd resort to. ** Line Suggestions For this Chapter 07 - On A Rail ==> CHOO-CHOO Location: Choo-Choo, Train Tunnels Scene: Security guard flags you down as you approach a track barrier. Barney: Freeman, I've been dreaming ab-- .. err.. waiting for you. One of your scientist pals said to give you a kiss and an overly friendly pat on the bum. I didn't think to ask him why, but I'm sure he's got his reasons. He also said to give you a message.. ahem: (Singing, a la Barney song) You have to Go to the Sa-te-llite de-li-ver-y Rocket silo that is quite a bit aways Through this weird-ass train tunnel maze. Down this lift and Straight a-head Turn the bend then you'll stop dead (Pause) As the level loads - don't worry you're not stuck But if you jump off you're a stupid -- (Abruptly stops singing) Agghh.. I'm not doing the rest of that singing telegram, even if he did give me that extra nickel. I hate that tune. Anyway, as for the rest of the message, uh, I don't really remember it.. except that the last thing he said was "good-bye". Oh wait, before that, he said "luck," and-and before luck he said "good" and before "good-bye" but after "luck" was "Barney". Oh! And before good he said "rocket". Hey and-and before racket he said "Lambda." ... You get the picture. Oh wait! Now I remember what he said! He said: (Old man impression) Stop undressing me with your eyes, you young hooligan! Just give Gordon this message.. oh, what was I saying again? ... Oh yeah. The Lambda Rocket. Good luck, Barney. Good-bye. (Ends the impression and pauses) What? That's it, I swear.. were you expecting more?? Go away Gordon.. I need some Barney Time.. if you know what I mean? Location: Choo-Choo, Outside, Before The Rocket Launch Area. Scene: Two grunts are on patrol by the outdoor train tracks, somewhat relaxed, not expecting to be surprised from behind which is where you overhear them. Grunt 1: So who is this guy Freeman? Grunt 2: Forget Freeman! Have you ever seen this before? (Ziiiip, Spring Up sound effect). Grunt 1: (pause) Oh sure, saw that on Johnson the week before. Grunt 2: Private Harry Johnson? Grunt 1: Naw, Major __WOODY__ Johnson. Yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. That new recruit, Chun-Kee Wang, had it too. If you're really worried you could go see Dr Dovah. Grunt 2: Dr who? Grunt 1: Dr Ben Dovah, the Happy Man with the Glove of Love. Grunt 2: What?!? Grunt 1: Oh errr.. nothing. By the way Corporal, you don't have to stand at attention for me. (Spring Down sound effect) Location: Choo-Choo, Outside The Control Room. Scene: As you sneak past the dynamite charges, before entering the control room area, you can hear grunts talking beyond the door: Grunt: I didn't sign on for this type of trauma! <click> Monsters, sure. But mad malevolent salivating spatula-shoving scientists? Location: Choo-Choo, Outside The Control Room. Scene: Going down a hallway.. hear some eerie screaming. Psychotic laughter, then a crackle and a female voice starts laughing. Male voice: Who.. who.. who -- who are you? How.. how did get in here? Female voice: Ahh, this is soo funny.. (keeps laughing, chokes.. coughs) Cue the psycho music and screaming. ** Line Suggestions For this Chapter 08 - Apprehension ==> F34R MY M4D 5K1ll5 (Pete really hates 1337 speak) ((Mike wrote this title)) Location: F34R MY M4D 5K1ll5, Ichthyosaur Observation Room. Scene: Scientist who witnessed Icky's attack waits in the observation room above. Scientist: Did you see it? They said it was hauled from the Challenger _deep_ but I'm positive that beast never saw light until a week ago, because it _comes_ from where the sun doesn't shine. I've seen it myself, you know. It's powerful, thick, and streamlined. You've seen it, haven't you? Oh, of course, you couldn't have come this far without seeing it, the Administrator's little pet. By the way, the crossbow's in the cage. It works well on aliens, turrets, and foreheads. Location: F34R MY M4D 5K1ll5, Airlock Before Cryogenic Storage Area. Scientist: Gordon Freeman -- it is you, isn't it?.. Could -- could it be you've forgotten me? Red hair? Glasses? I was older than you -- and you stole my lunch money! Haha! But it looks like the tables have turned, hmm? Now here you are, begging me for information. Grovel, boy, lick my shoe! Haha, but it'll do you no good. I won't tell anything! Haha! Ooh, what's that you've got in your hand? Oooh, should I be scared? Afraid for my life? ... So big and hard -- are you compensating for something? Hahaha. That gun won't help you in the cold room, you pansy HEV suit-wearing little freak. I ran around naked in there.. twice! You got nothing, Gordo, nothing! Location: F34R MY M4D 5K1ll5, Assassin Area. Scene: Barney awaits you with an urgent message, but the assassin kills him in mid-sentence. Barney: Freeman, right? Small world eh? Speaking of small world-- (Gets hit, scream) (Gurgles the song 'It's A Small World') Barney: It’s a small world.. after all, it’s a small world after all.. it’s a small world after all.. it’s a small.. SMALL!.. (Gargling death sound) Location: F34R MY M4D 5K1ll5, Ambush Sequence Scene: You are jumped by a bunch of soldiers. They knock you unconscious. As you wake, you hear them talking. Grunts: Happy birthday nice puppy boy! (body drops) Grunt #1: I think we killed him. Grunt #2: Wh-what should we do? Grunt #1: Dump the body.. ? Grunt #2: But what about the cake? Grunts: Hmmm.. During the drag [done completely through the HL sound system]: Grunt 1: My private is 5 meters tall. Grunt 2: My private is 10 meters across. VOX: That is an acknowledged biohazard. Please point it at Freeman's back chamber. Grunt 1: Uhhh... Grunts 1 and 2: Ha-ha-ha-ha (laughter) ** Line Suggestions For this Chapter 09 - Residue Processing Barney: This is all happening, because of you scientists! Scientist: It's not our fault, I tell you. Barney: It is! You made these mutants! Scientist: Nature made them. We were only studding them. Barney: Shut up! Someone is coming. 10 - Questionable Ethics Location: Questionable Ethics, Approach To Lobby. Scene: As you approach the lab lobby, Barney waits at a corner to clue you in: Barney: Hey, it's no good up there. It's all sealed off. The only way out would be to find someone with scanner access who can open the front door. I'm pretty sure there's a few scientists hiding somewhere in the labs. Maybe with both of us looking, we can track them down and get them to let us out. Scene: When fail to protect the scientist and all of them die and there is none left to open the door with scanner access for you. Ending Titles: SUBJECT: GORDO STATUS: SHUNNED POSTMORTEM: The stupid idiot killed someone he wasn't supposed to. Location: Questionable Ethics, Tau Cannon Lab. Scene: As you approach a barricaded laser lab, you hear Barney and a scientist arguing, then the sound of the Tau cannon revving up. You break into the lab to find the Tau cannon smoldering in a pile of gibs. Barney: What is this thing? Some kinda weapon? Scientist: Put that down.. it's a prototype. We hear Barney fire the Tau cannon. It blasts through the wall where the player is walking. Barney: Man! Why aren't we using it? Scientist: It's much too unpredictable. Don't let it overcharge! Barney: What do you mean, overcharge? There is an explosion and screams. The barricade is blown away. Location: Questionable Ethics, Scientists In Hiding. Scene: You have managed to break into a small storage area behind an out of control surgical robot. scientists are hiding in the storage closet. They ask for your help in getting free, and offer their own help which you will need to get out of the labs. Scientist 1: A scientist, thank God! Get us out of here before those military drones figure out where we're hiding! Scientist 2: We all have retinal scanner access. Escort us to the lobby, and we can get out of the lab. Scientist 3: You'll have to shut down the surgical unit first. Peters switched it on but I'm afraid he never made it back. Location: Questionable Ethics, Successful Exit Scene: As the scientist works the scanner and lets you out of the labs. Scientist: Well, I'll let you out, but I'm warning you.. it's hell out there. It's completely under military control. You'll have to sneak and fight your way from one end to the other, and I don't expect you'll meet many of our peers along the way. But if you do survive and somehow make it across the base, you'll end up at the Lambda complex, where the rest of the science team has taken shelter. I wouldn't venture there myself, but I will let them know that you are coming. 11 - Surface Tension Location: Surface Tension, Sniper Alley. Scene: Wounded security guard calls for help. Barney: Help.. Help me.. Somebody please help me.. I'm dying out here.. Please help me.. Location: Surface Tension, Booby-Trapped Building. Scene: Scientist holed up in a "closet" in a room, which has been completely booby-trapped. One false move and the whole place will go up. Scientist: You're heading for the Lambda complex, aren't you? I was heading there myself, until I wound up here and.. well, simply lost my nerve. Take one look through that door and you'll see what I mean. I'm just going to wait out the catastrophe in here. If you intend to go on, then I beg of you.. proceed with extreme caution. Location: Surface Tension, Tactical Map. Scene: With Gargantua on your heels, you reach a map-table overlooking a sealed compound. There is a dead soldier sprawled by the table, and the voice of his commander crackles over an intercom: Commander voice: Come in, Cooper. Do you copy? Forget about Freeman. We're abandoning the base. If you have any last bomb targets, mark them on the tactical map. Otherwise, get the hell out of there. Repeat, we are pulling out and commencing air strikes. Give us targets or get below. 12 - "Forget About Freeman" Location: "Forget About Freeman", Loading Bays. Scene: As you enter the first area, near the parking lot, you hear a panicked warning coming over the radio. Grunt voice : Forget about Freeman. We are cutting our losses and pulling out. Anyone left down there now is on his own. Repeat, if you weren't already, you are now.. 13 - Lambda Core Location: Lambda Core, After Battle With Alien Grunts. Scene: Scientist waits in sealed room beyond the assassin area. Scientist: I apologize, Mr. Freeman, but I couldn't risk opening that door until I was sure you'd scoured the area. This is the last entrance to the Lambda Complex.. every other has been sealed off to contain the invasion. When we realized that you might actually make it here, we drew straws to see who should stay behind to let you through. Obviously, I drew the short one. My colleagues are waiting at the tip of the Lambda reactor.. waiting for you, I mean. The reactor is shut down right now, but you can activate it on your way up. You'll have to flood the core anyway to get into the teleportation labs. You're not authorized to know about those.. but I can see you already know a great deal more than any one man is supposed to. Location: Lambda Core, Gluon Gun Test Firing Range. Scene: Scientist in the gluon gun dispensary. Scientist: Were you in weapons research, too? I built the gluon gun, but I just can't bring myself to use it on a living creature. You don't look as if you have any trouble killing things. Location: Lambda Core, In Coolant Tank Observation Room. Scene: Scientist in maintenance/coolant area reminds player to switch on both pumps. Scientist: Freeman, isn't it? You'll need to activate both pumps to flood the reactor, and then that access pipe down there will take you to the core. Time is short! And if you've turned on the pumps: Scientist: Don't linger, Mr. Freeman! You've turned on the pumps. Now take the access pipe, flood the core, and get on up to the labs without delay! Location: Lambda Core, Survey Team Equipment Room. Scene: Barney and scientist are waiting for you. Scientist: Gordon Freeman! You finally found us! Barney: So this is the guy. We thought you'd never make it. Scientist: This is the supply depot for our first survey team. Quite a few handsome specimens were collected from the border-world and brought back this way.. uhh, before the survey members started being collected themselves, that is. We suspect there is an immense portal over there, created by the intense concentration of a single powerful being. You will know it when you see it. I hate to say this, Gordon, but you must kill it, if you can. Barney: Yeah, you'd better kill it. Scientist: Of course, you owe us nothing, Mr. Freeman. But you've come this far. You know as much about these creatures as anyone. Barney: Enough to know that if you don't wipe it out, there won't be much for you to come home to. Scientist: Yes. So.. if you're willing, my colleague is waiting for you at the main portal controls. He will open the gates for you, Mr. Freeman. Do hurry. Barney: Don't forget to gear up. And I'll cover you while you're waiting for that portal to warm up. Scientist proceeds to unlock long-jump module. Scientist: This, Mr. Freeman, is a long-jump module.. created expressly for navigation in the world beyond. I certainly hope you received long-jump training, because once you're in Xen you will need it. I would advise you to practice before crossing over. Location: Lambda Core, Main Portal Controls Scene: A scientist waits at the control panel for the main portal. He speaks, and then gets busy over the controls, slowly opening the portal When player enters main portal area: Scientist: Hello, Freeman.. I'm up here. Practice your long-jump if you must, but hurry up! 30 seconds later: Scientist: All right, I can open the portal now. The process is complicated, and once it's begun I must not be interrupted or I will have to start all over again. Don't enter the beam until I give the okay, understood? I will begin. Scene: When the beam is nearly active: Scientist: We're almost there, Freeman. Get yourself in position. When the beam is fully activated: Scientist: It's ready! You must go! Now! If player starts down ramp into portal too early: Scientist: Not yet, Freeman! If player jumps into portal before it's ready: Scientist: Freeman, you fool! If player delays entering portal: Scientist: Hurry up, Freeman, I can't keep it open forever! Outro Scene: After destroying the Nihilanth, the Administrator waits for you: Administrator: Gordon Freeman in the flesh. Or rather, in the hazard suit. I took the liberty of relieving you of your weapons; most of them were government property. As for the suit, I think you've earned it. The borderworld, Xen, is in our control for the time being, thanks to you. Quite a nasty piece of work you managed over there. I am impressed. That's why I'm here, Mr. Freeman. I have recommended your services to my employers, and they have authorized me to offer you a job. They agree with me that you have limitless potential. You've proved yourself a decisive man, so I don't expect you'll have any trouble deciding what to do. If you're interested, just step into the portal and I will take that as a yes. Otherwise.. well.. I can offer you a battle you have no chance of winning. Rather an anticlimax, after what you've just survived. The door of the train opens. A dimensional gate appears beyond. Administrator: Time to choose. If you hesitate: Administrator: It's time to choose. If you step in, we fade into Credits. The Administrator speaks in voice-over: Administrator: Wisely done, Mr. Freeman. I will see you up ahead. Scene: When you accept the work for G-men's employers. Ending Titles: SUBJECT: GORDO STATUS: HIRED WAITING FOR AN OPENING AT CHIPPENDALE'S If you don't step in, the Administrator gives you about 10 seconds, then the door closes. Administrator: Well, it looks like we won't be working together. Administrator: No regrets, Mr. Freeman. You are teleported into the final bad place. Scene: When you refuse to work for G-men's employers. Ending Titles: SUBJECT: GORDO STATUS: SHUNNED POSTMORTEM: Freeman is going to get his nutsicles smooshed, because he is a very, VERY naughty boy! .. The End .. |