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Big Busted Women...( O )( O ) * Small Busted Women...(o)(o) * (No)Way To Please A Woman * 100 Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy: * 100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Girl: * 124 Things Never To Say During Sex * Things I Have Learned From Watching Movies * 15 More Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For the Movies * 19 Ways To Know You Are A Woman. * 21 Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn: * 35 Things, That Woman Would Never Say * 25 Thoughts To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis * Subject: 30 cruel things to say to a naked man * Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men.. And The Answers. * 50 Rules For Men (for successful relationships with women) * 76 Rules and Instructions on Being A Macho Man, The Male Chauvinist. * A linguistics professor * Dumb guy jokes! * A Mother And Daughter * A Woman's Random Thoughts * Alzheimer's or AIDS? * Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male: * Five Reasons Computers Must Be Female: * Killer Arty * Bad jokes * Urban Legends * Bar Translations * Bart Simpson’s Black Board exercises that Bart writes during the opening credits. * Behavioural Tips For Women * Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?" * Construction Workers * Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid * Cutting Class * Daily Affirmations * Definitions By Gender... * Disclaimers * E-F needs * New Elements On The Periodic Table * Good, Bad And Worse. * How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time: * How To Satisfy A Man Every Time: * Great Female Comebacks * Home Economics Textbook * How To Get Into College Without Really Lying * How to speak about women and be politically correct: * How to speak about men and be politically correct: * I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: * Chauvinistic Jokes * Chevy Nova Award * Childrens Books You'll Never See * It's Not Easy Being A Guy * Job Tips * Letter home from school... * Life Without Crutches * 25 Meaningful Questions * Love - Lust And Marriage * Miscellaneous Thoughts * Mottos To Live By * New Years Resolutions That You Can Really Keep... * Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in a Victoria Secret store: * Politically Correct Student Excuses * Performance Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings: * Signs That You Are Too Drunk: * Yesterday * The Difference Between Men And Women: * |
The Facts Of Life: * The Girl's & Boy's Prayer * Men?! * The Smarter Sex * The Perfect Day - For Her * The Perfect Day - For Him * The unedited version of the ending to "The Empire Strikes Back" * Another 26 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say * Time Management. * To Women Everywhere From A Man Who's Had Enough * Toilet Jokes * You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When * Top excuses if found asleep at your Desk... * This Is A True Story From The Wordperfect Help Line. * Two Cows. * Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report * So simple yet soooo funny! * Two Tossers * Universal Laws: * Well, shit.. * What Men Really Mean * What Women Say and What They Really Mean * What does your drink say about you then! * Why? * Witty Words of Wisdom: * 15 Things Every Woman Should Have And Should Know By The Time She's 30. * Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone * Yes I Think So, Don't You Dear! * You Know How I Love to Fish * Jokes * 9 Types Of Girlfriend * Affair With The Secretary... * Differences Between You and Your Boss: * Suspicious Passenger * The Americans and Russians... * The Miracle Spray * Need Water! * Trouble Selling A Car... * State Capitals * School Discipline * Ladies' Bumper Stickers: * Actual writings on hospital charts: * Joe's Accident... * A Guy's Tips On Dating Different Nationalities * Get a TV... * How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids: * Brother and Sister * Kids will be Kids... * Teenagers are like CATS: * Dead Hard Work * SIGNS: * Random thoughts: * Prison vs. Work * Redhead * Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners * Rules At Work * Rules Women Need To Live By: * Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day: * Secrets for a Happy Marriage * Short And (Not So) Sweet * Signs That Were Found In Peoples Kitchens: * Some Definitions *
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Big Busted Women... ( O )( O )
* can get a taxi on the worst days
* have a neat place to carry spare change
* have always been the center of the arts (art)
* make jogging a spectator sport
* can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
* have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
* usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
* can always carry a little extra
* always float better
* know where to look first for lost earrings
* rarely have to look for a slow dance partner
* have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
* don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
* always look younger
* find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
* can always see their toes and shoes
* can sleep on their stomachs
* have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
* know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
* know that everything more than a handful is wasted
* can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
* can take aerobics class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only".
Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in .
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside"
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men here have it short and thin"
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the Second floor reads:
"All the men here have it long and thin".
Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the Third floor, where the sign read:
"All the men here have it short and thick".
This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.
In the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect:
"All the men here have it long and thick".
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to the Fifth floor, where the sign reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Ha Ha Ha!
***
100 Reasons It's Great To Be A Guy:
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticised, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humour in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheer leading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every Night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work.. more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends "you've changed".
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalise any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become life long buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
***
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Girl:
1. Free dinners.
2. Free lunches.
3. Free brunches.
4. Free movies (you get the point).
5. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
6. You can cry without pretending there's something in your eye.
7. You know the truth about whether size matters.
8. Speeding ticket? What's that?
9. You can hug your friend without wondering if you're gay.
10. You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt watching sports.
11. You don't have to try to laugh louder, deeper and harder than your buddies.
12. If you never have a son, it's okay.
13. If you do have a son, and he's a lousy athlete, it's still okay.
14. If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human being.
15. A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
16. In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned.
17. If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, it doesn't mean you're the devil.
18. You don't have to count how many people you've slept with.
19. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
20. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
21. If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
22. You can sleep your way to the top.
23. You can sue for sexual harassment.
24. You can sue the president for sexual harassment.
25. If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.
26. If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.
27. Same with tanning beds.
28. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
29. You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
30. You can get free stuff just by smiling sweetly.
31. If you're pregnant, you get to decide what to do about it.
32. Brad Pitt.
33. You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
34. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
35. You never have to wonder if your orgasm was real.
36. You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
37. When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
38. If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you don't have to break up with them.
39. If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
40. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest drug/beauty-aid store.
41. If you don't shave, no one will know.
42. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
43. If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
44. You don't have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there..
45. If you want to have sex, you always can.
46. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
47. You don't have to memorise Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
48. If you love someone, it's easy for you to tell them.
49. You can dress yourself.
50. Your hair is yours to keep.
51. If you are bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really chic.
52. Once a month, you have an excuse to be a total bitch.
53. You don't need a special occasion to hug your dad.
54. You never have to wonder if you'll offend someone by opening then door for them.
55. When necessary, you can live without sex.
56. You can always get a ride hitchhiking.
57. You don't have to pretend to like cigars.
58. You don't have to pretend you liked cigars before they were cool.
59. You'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.
60. You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
61. If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot.
62. You don't think that wearing a warm coat in the dead of winter makes you look like a wuss.
63. You're rarely compelled to scream at the TV.
64. If you wear cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
65. You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
66. You never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
67. You don't have a scar right under your chin.
68. You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share your feelings.
69. If you talk to your mom every day, it's normal.
70. If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty.
71. Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.
72. You can quickly end any fight simply by crying.
73. You can decide not to work once you've had kids.
74. Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in your teeth.
75. When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing.
76. Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.
77. If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it.
78. You have never had a goatee.
79. Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
80. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
81. You can fully assess someone just by looking at their shoes.
82. You'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra.
83. When you wear sweatpants, it isn't obscene.
84. You know better than to ever use Grecian Formula.
85. It doesn't take you an hour to go to the bathroom.
86. You don't have hair on your back.
87. Your doctor never has to put on a rubber glove.
88. When you get dumped, you can admit you're depressed.
89. If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get implants.
90. You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
91. If you have big ears, no one has to know.
92. If someone takes your seat in a bar, you don't have to hit him or her.
93. It's okay if you can't drive a stick.
94. Soap Operas.
95. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
96. You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.
97. You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on Jerry Springer.
98. You've known the joy of making a collage for your BFF.
99. You bond easily.
100. When you become president, you'll be the first woman ever
***
124 Things Never To Say During Sex
1. Is it in?
2. That's it?
3. You've got to be kidding me.
4. (phone rings) Hello? Oh nothing and you?
5. Do I have to pay for this?
6. Do I have to call you tomorrow?
7. Oh momma, momma!
8. Oh dadda, dadda!
9. You look better in the dark.
10. This is much better than my last girl/boyfriend.
11. I thought that goes in the other hole....
12. Don't tell my husband/wife.
13. You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).
14. This sucks.
15. Can you finish now? I have a meeting...
16. I hope you don't expect a raise for this...
17. I think you might get the job for this.
18. Damn! Is that all you know what to do.
19. Did I tell you, I have herpes?
20. Now we must get married.
21. Hurry up, the games about to start.
22. I'm hungry.
23. I'm thirsty.
24. Zzzzzzzzzzzz.
25. Are you trying to be funny?
26. Can I have a ride home after this?
27. Are those real?
28. By the way, I want to break up.
29. Is that smell coming from you?
30. Haven't you ever done this before?
31. Wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).
32. Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?
33. You're so much like your sister?
34. Your mom's cute.
35. What's your name again?
36. Do I have to be here in the morning?
37. A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!
38. But you just started!!
39. You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!
40. Don't touch that!!
41. Can we order a pizza?
42. I think my dad is listening at the door.
43. Smile for the camera, honey!!!
44. Take off that damn monkey glove!!
45. Get your hand out of there!!
46. I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.
47. I knew you wore a padded bra!!
48. Cover me boys, I'm going in!!!
49. Dive! Dive! Dive!
50. Fire one!
51. God, that is small!!
52. Hold on, let me change the channel...
53. Who smells like fish?
54. Is it ok, if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?
55. Your best-friend does it much better.
56. Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.
57. Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.
58. You're fogging up the wind-shield.
59. Can I borrow 5 bucks?
60. What the hell noise was that?!
61. Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
62. Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)
63. You know, you're not really attractive.
64. I'm sorry, I was not listening.
65. What, oh yea, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!
66. Stop interrupting me!!
67. I have to go to the bathroom.
68. Did I leave the iron on?
69. Your breath is funky.
70. Of course I don't love you.
71. Is it ok. If I call someone, its ok. Though, keep going....
72. Its ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.
73. God I wish you were a real woman.
74. Why can't you ever shave your legs?
75. By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....
76. Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna.... Shit.
77. Your breast milk is like my mom's....
78. You're hairy!!
79. Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.
80. Is it o.k. If I never see you again?
81. Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?
82. Don't make that face at me!
83. All of a sudden I have a headache.
84. You're boring.
85. I like your tits.
86. Suck my dick, bitch.
87. How much do I owe you?
88. How come we each have a penis?
89. Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
90. Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).
91. Just use your finger, its bigger.
92. Does your family have to watch?
93. No problem, we'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.
94. Get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!
95. Can you hold this sandwich for me?
96. You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.
97. The only reason I'm doing this is because I'm drunk.
98. My mom taught me this.....
99. How cute... Peach fuzz!
100. Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
101. Should I ask why you're bleeding?
102. This is my pet rat, Larry....
103. If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!
104. I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!
105. I was once a woman...
106. Wanna see me take out my glass eye?
107. No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!
108. Is it O.K. If I tell my friends about this?
109. I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
110. You wanted me to use a condom?
111. You're no better than my brother!!
112. Mooooo!!
113. Fire in the hole!!!
114. I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.
115. Hurry up, I'm late for a date.
116. OK. Start...oh! That feels so... You're Done??!!
117. You ever see basic instinct?
118. I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?
119. Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.
120. Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
121. You got boogies showing.
122. (start reciting the 10 commandments).
123. I think I just went to the bathroom on your bed.
124. Let me spell it out for you, B-R-E-A-T-H M-I-N-T.
Things I Have Learned From Watching Movies
15 More Things You'd Never Know If It Weren't For the Movies
***
19 Ways To Know You Are A Woman.
***
21 Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn:
01) The bandage was wound around the wound.
02) The farm was used to produce produce.
03) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
04) We must polish the Polish furniture.
05) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
06) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
07) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
08) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
09) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
35 Things, That Woman Would Never Say
1. I'll swallow it all.. I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. What do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God. if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hangover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey.. our new neighbour's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya!
26. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
27. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me.
28. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
29. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
30. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
31. This diamond is way too big.
32. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
33. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
34. Does this make my butt look too small?
35. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
25 Thoughts To Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
01. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
02. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
03. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
04. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
05. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
06. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
07. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
08. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
09. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
22. There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
23. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
24. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
25. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realise it's a 'do-it-yourself' thing.
***
Subject: 30 cruel things to say to a naked man
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
***
Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men.. And The Answers.
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.
Question 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
A: Baseball
B: Football
C: How fat you are
D: How much prettier she is than you.
E: How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
A: I suppose so.
B: Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C: That depends on what you mean by love.
D: Does it matter?
E: Who, me?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
A: Compared to what?
B: I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C: A little extra weight looks good on you.
D: I've seen fatter.
E: Moo!
F: Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
A: Yes, but you have a better personality
B: Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
C: Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
D: Define pretty.
E: Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
Woman: Why not? Don't you like being married?
Man: Of course I do.
Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Man: Okay, I'd get married again.
Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face.)
Man: Yes, I would.
Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Man: Where else would we sleep?
Woman: Would you put away my pictures and replace them with pictures of her?
Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
***
50 Rules For Men (for successful relationships with women)
Yes means Yes.
Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
76 Rules and Instructions on Being A Macho Man, The Male Chauvinist.
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce each day."
Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.
***
A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary!
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.
"In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
***
Why do men like smart women?.. Opposites attract.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?.. We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?.. Make him wear shoes.
What did God say after creating man?.. I can do so much better.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?.. "My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?.. So men can understand them.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?.. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?.. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilise one egg?.. Because none of them will stop to ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
.. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
***
A mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mom: So.. now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff..
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters..
Daughter: I don't know..
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me. Believe me.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really!
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the results.
One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him, "Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your wife's blood sample with another patient's, and we have no idea whose is whose. The bad news is one has Alzheimer's disease, and the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and by then I should have it all sorted out."
The man looked scared and said, "That's terrible, Doc, what should I do until then?"
"Well, when you're driving home today, drop her off two blocks away from your house.", said the doctor.
"If she makes it home, don't have sex with her!"
***
Top 5 Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male:
5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an under powered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.
Five Reasons Computers Must Be Female:
5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
This poor guy has been married for 20 years and his wife has not stopped nagging him in all that time - he has had enough.
One day he is in the pub and talking about bumping her off and his pal puts him onto a local contract killer called Arty - cheap and cheerful.
He talks to Arty who promises to bump her off for 1 pound - so the guy tells Arty that she catches the bus to ASDA every Thursday and wears a yellow hat, red top and blue skirt. Not a problem says Arty.
That Thursday Arty goes to the bus stop at ASDA and a woman gets off the bus - yellow hat , red top and blue dress - so Arty goes up to her and strangles her.
He starts to walk off when another bus arrives and another woman gets off - yellow hat, red top and blue dress - Arty looks and thinks, oh well better safe than sorry - so he strangles her as well.
He starts to walk off again and another bus pulls up and another woman gets off - yellow hat , red top and a blue dress - so poor Arty thinks why not - so he strangles her.
Well you can imagine the uproar and the press had a field day. The headline in the Evening Express next day was...
ARTY CHOKES 3 FOR A POUND AT ASDA !!!!!!!!!
***
In The Sleeping Carriage
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married"
The woman thinks for moment. "Why not", she giggles.
"Great!", he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!"
***
In The ZOO
Mummy takes little Johnny to the zoo. As they pass the elephant cage, the elephant has an erection.
"What's that, Mummy?" asks the child.
"Nothing, Johnny, nothing," says the embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.
A week later Johnny's dad takes him and the same happens.
"What's that, Daddy?"
"That, son, is the elephant's penis."
"Mummy said it was nothing."
"Your mother's spoilt, Son."
Pesky Moths
The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed.
Their bodies fused together as they gyrated and panted.
Then, suddenly the woman cocked her ear.
"Quick, my husband is coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom", she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed.
Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive way and got ready to receive you" she replied with a wink and a smile.
"Great" he said, "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom.
He found a man clapping his hands together in mid air.
Dumfounded, he asked, "Who the devil are you?"
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths" the lover replied.
The husband yelled, "but you've got no clothes on!!!"
The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards."
***
Flaming pubic hair!
On Monday, March 13th, CBS Radio News reported on a sexual-harassment case in Washington, D.C.:
Lawyer (cross-examining a woman): I accuse you of unprofessional conduct in setting your boss' pubic hair on fire.
Woman: Well, it was certainly unprofessional conduct for him to expose himself to me.
Kinda pushes the envelope of unprofessionalism, doesn't it?
"She Flicked Her Bic, And Lit His Wick"
***
Practicing For Their Honeymoon by Jan Harold Brunvand:
When a minister tells you a story, you ought to believe it, right?
M.H. for Fort Wayne, Ind., has her doubts. She finds it hard to believe this racy story, even though it was told as truth by a local minister.
A young couple, engaged to be married, had scheduled a premarital counselling session with a minister. But they failed to show up, so the next morning the minister called the bride-to-be's home.
"She's in the hospital," the young woman's mother told the minister. "She probably wants to tell you herself why she didn't show, though."
So the minister went to the hospital, and there he found the young woman in traction with a broken leg and collarbone. But the accident had left her feeling more embarrassed than pained.
She said her parents were going out of town for the weekend, and asked her to house sit. She and her fiancée decided that this would be a perfect chance to "practice for their honeymoon." So as soon as her parents left, they set about "practising" in her parents bedroom.
Not long afterward the phone rang. It was her mother, in a panic. She had left the iron on in the basement. Would they please turn it off?
The fiancée playfully picked her up and carried her to the top of the basement stairs. Both of them were still naked. When she switched on the lights, shouts of "Surprise! Surprise!" came from the basement. Her parents were standing at the bottom of the stairs, along with relatives, in-laws and friends. It was a surprise wedding shower!
The shock was too great for the fiancée. He dropped her and fled. She rolled down the stairs and lay there naked, while her family gaped. Her grandmother reached for her heart medicine. Everyone was too shocked to cover her.
Ups!!! What a blooper!
"No, really, I'm OK to drive."
--I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.
"I'm not used to these darts."
--I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
"Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female)
---You would look great face down in my lap.
"You get this one, next round is on me."
--We won't be here long enough to get another round.
"I'll get this one, next one is on you.
--Happy hour is about to end....now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.
"I haven't seen you around here for a long time."
--You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??
"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
--I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.
"Lets get out of here."
--I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (female)
--I'm easy.
"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?" (male)
--I'm gay.
"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female)
--I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.
"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male)
--If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
"I don't feel well, lets go home." (female)
--You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
"I don't feel well, lets go home." (male)
--I'm horny.
"I've had like 10 beers already."
--I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.
"Who's got the next round?"
--I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
"Excuse Me." (male to male)
--Get the f*** out of the way.
"Excuse Me." (male to female)
--I am going to grope you now.
"Excuse Me." (female to male)
--Don't even think about groping me, just get the f*** out of the way.
"Excuse Me." (female to female)
--Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, like the slut you are.
"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning."
--I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.
"What do you have on tap?"
--What's cheap?
"Can I have a white Russian?" (male)
--I'm really gay.
"Can I have a white Russian?" (female)
--I'm really easy.
"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab"
--I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".
"That person looks really familiar."
--Did I sleep with him/her?
"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female)
--I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male)
--It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking 1/2 hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.
"Do you have any Wild Turkey?"
--I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.
"I don't have my ID on me." (female) --I'm 19.
"I don't have my ID on me." (male) --I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a..4.0 after my last visit here.
***
Bart Simpson’s Black Board exercises that Bart writes during the opening credits.
***
Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
** You haven't asked yet.
** I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
** Because I just love hearing this question.
** Just lucky, I guess.
** It gives my mother something to live for.
** My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
** I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
** Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
** I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
** It didn't seem worth a blood test.
** I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
** Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
** My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
** I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
** They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
** I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
** I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
** What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
** I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
** Why aren't you thin?
** I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers)
** Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw.
He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he decides to try some sign language.
To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning
"I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry. He runs down to the 1st floor and says.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, fucking bastard? I said I needed a handsaw!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming. "
***
Creative Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
***
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, I mean, I don't get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
***
***
"THINGY":
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
"VULNERABLE":
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
"COMMUNICATION":
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
"BUTT":
Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.
"COMMITMENT":
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.
"ENTERTAINMENT":
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
"FLATULENCE":
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.
***
(not to be taken seriously! ;)
• Must be 18 and over.
• May cause excitability.
• No resemblance to any person, living or dead, is intended.
• Use at your own risk.
• Batteries not included.
• Avoid prolonged exposition.
• May cause dizziness.
• Not available in all countries.
• Not responsible for acts of God.
• Prices subject to change without notice.
• Proof of purchase required.
• Read label before using.
• Some assembly may be required.
• Not responsible for typographical errors.
• Local restrictions apply.
• Subject to local regulation.
• Warrantee period limited.
• Close cover before striking.
• Do not put in the microwave.
• Subject to availability.
• Sales tax not included.
• Shipping and handling extra.
• For external use only.
• Avoid alcoholic beverages while using this product.
• If symptoms persist, consult your physician.
• Keep out of the reach of children.
• Parental guidance suggested.
• The buyer assumes all risks associated with using this product.
• Ground yourself before touching.
• No serviceable parts inside; do not open.
• Warranty void if opened.
• In case of irritation, flush with cold water and consult your physician.
• Use with adequate ventilation.
• Avoid repeated or prolonged contact.
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• No guarantee of any kind.
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• Consult your physician before using.
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• Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product.
• It may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.
***
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
But then the wife stops and says:
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT?"
The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out -- but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No, no, no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the Husband says:
"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!"
New Elements On The Periodic Table
Element: WOMAN
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amount of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Element: MAN
Symbol: XY
Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, ageing samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh samples.
Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time.
Neutralise by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
***
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You Can't find your birth control pills.
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Worse: You're in them.
Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Worse: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Worse: With corrections.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.
***
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
***
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
***
How To Satisfy A Woman Every Time:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathise, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalise, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorise, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalise, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicise, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturise, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinise, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolise, worship.. and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
How To Satisfy A Man Every Time:
Show up naked.
Bring food.
***
Man: Haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
Man: So, wanna go back to my place?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised !
Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason
Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!
Man: I'm here to fulfil your every sexual fantasy.
Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?
Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.
Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.
Man: I'd love to get into your pants.
Woman: No thanks, I already have one arsehole in there already.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
---
Now the updated version for the '90s woman.
***
How To Get Into College Without Really Lying
This is a NYU college admissions application question and an actual answer written by an applicant:
Question 3A: In order for the admissions staff of our college to get to know you, the applicant, better, we ask that you answer the following question:
Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realised, that have helped define you as a person?
Answer:
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.
I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees.
I write award-winning operas.
I manage time efficiently.
Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries.
When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.
I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays after school I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.
I don't perspire.
I am a private citizen yet I receive fan mail.
I have been caller number nine and have won weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket.
I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.
While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics don't apply to me.
I balance, weave, dodge, frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four courses meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.
I breed prize-winning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
He was accepted.
***
How to speak about women and be politically correct:
***
How to speak about men and be politically correct:
***
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
Response from the administration:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
***
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in .
I said, "Dust!"
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying!"
These are the nominees for the Chevy Nova Award. This is given out in honour of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America. "No va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go".
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhoea."
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish!
***
Childrens Books You'll Never See
***
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a sissy.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your but and find something better.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.
If she thumps you, it's self-defence.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If she asks you, it's a favour.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
***
1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings.
People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria.
People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet.
Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer.
You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either.
When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.
3. Messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk.
For the rest of us, it looks like you're not working hard enough.
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts.
Pile them high and wide.
If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail.
People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live.
Screen all your calls through voice mail.
If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there - it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.
If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that the caller will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you.
The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is: "Ignore my last message. I took care of it".
If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently.
One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages.
If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.
One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Appear to Work Late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around.
You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving.
Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out.
Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
8. Stacking Strategy.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.
Put lots of books on the floor etc...
you can always borrow from library.
Thick computer manuals are the best.
9. Build Vocabulary.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products.
Use it freely when in conversation with bosses.
Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
10. Most Importantly:
Don't Forward This To Your Boss By Mistake!
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
___________________
Reply from dad...
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
***
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you, when through no fault of your, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
Then, you are almost as good as your dog or your cat.
***
1. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
2. If a deaf person swears in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
3. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
4. Why can't they use the material from the 'little black box' for the entire plane?
5. Why do you need a driver's license to buy beer if you can't drink and drive?
6. Is there another word for synonym?
7. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
8. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
9. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
11. Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
23. Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?
24. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
25. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Love: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage: When you lose your child in crowded room.
Love: When intercourse is called "making love."
Lust: When intercourse is called "screwing."
Marriage: What the hell are you talking about?
Love: When you argue over how many children to have.
Lust: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage: When you argue over money.
Love: When you share everything you own.
Lust: When you steal everything they own.
Marriage: When the bank owns everything.
Love: When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust: When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage: What's a climax?
Love: When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
Lust: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
Marriage: When you phone each other to bitch.
Love: When you write poems about your partner.
Lust: When all you write is your phone number.
Marriage: When all you write is checks.
Love: When you show concern for your partner's feelings.
Lust: When you couldn't care less.
Marriage: When your only concern is what's on TV.
Love: When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."
Lust: When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."
Marriage: When your farewell is a relief.
Love: When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust: When you only see each other naked.
Marriage: When you never see each other awake.
Love: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage: When your wallet empties every time you see them.
Love: When nobody else matters.
Lust: When nobody else knows.
Marriage: When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
Love: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
Marriage: When you listen to talk radio.
Love: When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust: When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage: When just getting through today is your only thought.
Love: When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust: When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage: When you're only interested in your golf score.
New Years Resolutions That You Can Really Keep...
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking.
8. Spend more time at work.
9. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
10. Start being superstitious.
***
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T say out loud in a Victoria Secret store:
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
09. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
08. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
07. Mom will love this.
06. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys Logo on it?
05. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
04. Will you model this for me???
03. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
02. But darling-your mother already has that one in red.
And the # 1 thing men shouldn't say out loud in a Victoria's Secret Store...
45 bucks?!? You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!
***
Performance Appraisal Terms And Their Real Meanings:
Loyal.. Can't get a job anywhere else!
Great Presentation Skills.. Able to bullshit!
Good Communication Skills.. Spends lots of time on phone!
Average Employee.. Not too bright!
Exceptionally Well Qualified.. Made no major blunders yet!
Active Socially.. Drinks a lot!
Family Is Active Socially.. Spouse drinks, too!
Character Above Reproach.. Still one step ahead of the law!
Quick Thinking.. Offers plausible excuses!
Careful Thinker.. Won't make a decision!
Plans For Advancement.. Buys drinks for all the boys!
Aggressive.. Obnoxious!
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs.. Gets someone else to do it!
Expresses Themselves Well.. Speaks English!
Meticulous Attention To Detail.. A nit picker!
Has Leadership Qualities.. Is tall or has a loud voice!
Exceptionally Good Judgement.. Lucky!
Keen Sense Of Humour.. Knows a lot of dirty jokes!
Career Minded.. Back Stabber!
Of Great Value To The Organisation.. Gets to work on time!
Relaxed Attitude.. Sleeps at desk!
Work Is First Priority.. Too ugly to get a date!
Independent Worker.. Nobody knows what he/she does!
***
Politically Correct Student Excuses
- No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
- You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."
- Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
- These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
- Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
- Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
- Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
- You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
- You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
- You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
- You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odour retentive athletic footwear."
- No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."
- You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
- You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
- You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
- You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
- It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
- The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
In Prison...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At Work...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In Prison...You get three meals a day.
At Work...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
In Prison...You get time off for good behaviour.
At Work...You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In Prison...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At Work...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In Prison...You can watch TV and play games.
At Work...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In Prison...You get your own toilet.
At Work...You have to share.
In Prison...They allow your family and friends to visit.
At Work...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In Prison...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At Work...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In Prison...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At Work...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In Prison...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
At Work...They are called supervisors.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redheaded girl sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the woman invites him to the theatre followed by drinks. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast!
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!! Everything had been incredible! "You know, he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
No, she replies.........
"You just happened to catch my eye."
***
Rodney Dangerfield's Best One-Liners
***
1. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
2. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
3. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
5. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
6. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
7. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
8. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
9. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
10. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
11. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
12. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
13. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
14. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
15. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
16. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
17. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
18. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
19. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
20. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
21. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
22. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
23. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
24. Following the rules will not get the job done.
25. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
26. No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
27. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
***
1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If we put a man on the moon - we should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something: suggest he's too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember: a sense of humor does not mean you tell him jokes; it means you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Just a thought for all the women out there...
MENtal illness MENstrual cramps MENtal breakdown MENopause.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real trouble, it's HISterectomy.
Send this to all of the women you know and brighten their day!!!
***
Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:
01. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
02. Do I look like a fucking people person?
03. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
04. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
05. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
06. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
07. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
08. You!... Off my planet!
09. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
16. Allow me to introduce my selves.
17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. I have a computer, a vibrator and a pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.
27. A woman's favourite position is CEO.
28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
30. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door?
32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paycheques.
33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFuck you!
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
37. Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
38. I plead contemporary insanity.
39. And which dwarf are you?
40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
41. Meandering to a different drummer.
42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.
***
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
***
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
***
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
***
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
***
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
***
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
***
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.
***
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
***
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
***
When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
***
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
***
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
***
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
***
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
***
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
***
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
***
Signs That Were Found In Peoples Kitchens:
* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.
* No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
* A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
* If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
* Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
* A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
* Help keep the kitchen clean.. Eat out.
* Housework done properly can kill you.
* Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
* My next house will have no kitchen.. Just vending machines.
Yesterday!
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong.
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday!
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
:-)
Benign...What you will be after you be eight!
Caesarean Section...A district in Rome!
Coma...A punctuation mark - a bit like a full stop!
Semi-Colon...Partial removal of the intestines!
Vacuum...Large empty space where the pope lives!
Enema...Someone who is not your friend!
Magnet...Something you find crawling on a dead cat!
Fibula...A small lie!
Morbid...When there is a bigger offer!
Germination...The process of becoming a German!
Node...When you have known somebody for a long time!
Seizure...A Roman Emperor!
Fertilisation...The fusing of the male with the female garments!
Terminal Illness...When you are ill at the airport!
Tibia...A country in North Africa!
Varicose...Nearby *!
Vein...Conceited!
***
The Difference Between Men And Women:
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want because it's on sale.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that man.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and don't expect to understand her at all.
A man marries a woman expecting her not to change and she does.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
***
It's easy to criticise, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid, too.
***
The Girl's Prayer:
Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Harrods
As it is in Selfridges
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our MasterCard
And lead us not into Next
And deliver us from Benneton
For thine is the Cartier, the Dior and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex
***
The Boy's Prayer:
Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily beverage
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spilleth against us
And lead us not into poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen
AND NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
Now... Who The Hell Understands Men?
***
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
***
08. 15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
08. 30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday
08. 45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants;
open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
09. 15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10. 00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
10. 30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12. 00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12. 45 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7kg
01. 00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
03. 00 Nap
04. 00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret admire
04.15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
05. 30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full length mirror
07. 30 Candle lit dinner with champagne for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10. 00 Hot shower (alone)
10:50 Carried to bed (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
11. 00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11. 15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
06. 00 Alarm
06. 15 Blow job
06. 30 Massive satisfying shit while reading the sports section
07. 00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
07. 30 Limo arrives
07. 45 Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
09. 15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
09. 30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
09. 45 Play front nine (2 under)
11. 45 Lunch Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12. 15 Blow job
12. 30 Play back nine (4 under)
02. 15 Limo back to the airport (Several Whiskeys)
02. 30 Fly to Monte Carlo
03. 30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
04. 30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
05. 00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked supermodel
06. 45 Shit, Shower and Shave
07. 00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised
07. 30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a pair of tits
09. 00 Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch international match of the day,
England beating Germany 11-0
09. 30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
11. 00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
11. 30 A night cap blowjob
11. 45 In bed alone
11. 50 A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
***
The unedited version of the ending to "The Empire Strikes Back"
A furious lights sword duel is underway. Darth Vader is backing Luke Skywalker towards the end of the gantry.
A quick move by Vader chops off Luke's hand! It goes spinning off into the ventilation shaft.
Luke backs away. He looks around, but realises there's nowhere to go but straight down.
Darth Vader: Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Luke: He told me enough! He told me you killed him!
Darth Vader: No! I am your father!
Luke: No, it's not true! It's impossible.
Darth Vader: Search your feelings! You know it to be true!
Luke: No!
Darth Vader: Yes, it is true! And you know what else? You know that brazen droid of yours?
Luke: 3PO?
Darth Vader: Yes! 3PO! I built him.. when I was 7 years old.
Luke: No!
Darth Vader: Seven years old! And what have you done? Look at yourself, no hand, no job, and couldn't even levitate your own ship out of the swamp.
Luke: I destroyed your precious Death Star!
Darth Vader: When you were 20! When I was 10, I single-handedly destroyed a Trade Federation Droid Control ship!
Luke: Well, it's not my fault.
Darth Vader: Oh, here we go! Poor me, my father never gave me what I wanted for my birthday, boo hoo, my daddy's the Dark Lord of the Sith.. waahhh wahhh!
Luke: Shut up!
Darth Vader: You're a slacker! By the time I was you're age, I had exterminated the Jedi knights!
Luke: I used to race my T-16 through Beggar's Canyon!
Darth Vader: Oh, for the love of the Emperor! 10 years old, winner of the Boonta Eve Open! Only human to ever fly a Pod Racer.. right here baby!
Luke looks down the shaft. Takes a step towards it.
Darth Vader: I was wrong! You're not my kid.. I don't know whose you are, but you sure aren't mine!
Luke takes a step off the platform, hesitates, and then plunges down the shaft. Darth Vader looks after him.
Darth Vader: Get a haircut!
Another 26 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say
***
Dear Staff,.
In an effort to maximise productivity in our department I will be implementing a tool used in many industries. You will be tracking your time working on certain activities and sending me a time sheet weekly showing me how your time has been spent..
Attached below is a sheet specifying a job list based on some observations of employee activities. Please begin using this job list immediately and let me know about any difficulties you encounter..
Thank you..
Your boss..
To Women Everywhere From A Man Who's Had Enough
***
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
***
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.
***
(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.
***
Sign posted in a bathroom:
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!
***
Seen above a urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal. We don't piss in your ashtrays!
***
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
***
On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.
***
***
"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet)
***
A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:
We don't swim in your toilet, so please don't pee in our pool!
***
Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
***
My mother made me a whore.
(to which someone else added)
If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?
***
Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled:
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.
***
In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant:
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit. It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.
***
Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.
***
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.
***
Here's one seen above a urinal:
look up
look up
[even higher on the wall]
keep looking up
[on the ceiling]
Quick! Look down! You're pissing on your shoes!
***
One of the funniest I've seen was also the simplest:
Fart loud if you love Jesus!
***
While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
***
Look Left.
You look left and it reads:
Look Right
You look right and it reads:
Look Left...
***
Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.
***
(written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here?
Are you ashamed of it?
***
Some people come here to take a shit, I come here to leave one.
***
Don't look now!
You're pissing on your neighbours foot!
***
You Know You're Drinking Too Much Coffee When
Top excuses if found asleep at your Desk...
This Is A True Story From The Wordperfect Help Line.
Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organisation for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former Word perfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
".......Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
***
FEUDALISM You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
PERESTROIKA You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.
PURE ANARCHY You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
ANARCHO-CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
OLYMPICS-ISM You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
Top Ten Unusual Comments on Monica Lewinsky's Intern Performance Report
10. Truly an eager beaver.
9. Uses too much teeth.
8. Stays late, comes early.
7. Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.
6. Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.
5. Frequently complains of jaw pain.
4. Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.
3. "In box" is always clean and shiny.
2. Tends to blab on the telephone.
And the best thing the President had to say about her..
1. This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell - she has a grenade in her mouth!
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you Don't know!!!
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, "Hello?" I politely said, "Could I please speak to Ruth Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Ruth's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Ruth, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a tosser!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "tosser," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or having a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a tosser!". It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the tosser. Then I had and idea, I called him and when he answered I said "Hi" and made up a name. "I work in the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a tosser!"
Shortly after this I was waiting one day for an old lady at the shopping centre who was really taking her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black BMW came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I hit the horn and started yelling, "You can't do that. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his BMW completely ignoring me. He walked toward the shopping centre as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a tosser, there sure are a lot of tossers in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling and yelling, "You're a tosser!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black BMW lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes, it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen." "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?" "Yes." "Don, you're a tosser!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two tossers to call. Then, after several months of calling the tossers and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial tosser #1. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello." I yelled "You're a tosser!", but I didn't hang up. The tosser said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me." I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He said "Where do you live?" "182 West Street, London. It's a yellow house and my black BMW's parked out front." "I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, tosser!" and I hung up.
Then I called tosser #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, tosser!" He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick your arse." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, tosser!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 182 West Street, London and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as I got home. I climbed into my car and headed over to West Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
Watching the two tossers kicking the crap out of each other before being arrested was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice"
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organisation there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkeness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilisation.
"I'm going fishing."
Really means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means: "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means: "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means: "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really mean: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means: "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means: "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means: "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means: "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means: "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means: "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means: "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means: "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means: "I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means: "Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means: "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means: "She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means: "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means: "You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means: "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means: "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means: "I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means: "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means: "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means: "I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means: "It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means: "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means: "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."
"I broke up with her."
Really means: "She dumped me."
What Women Say and What They Really Mean
without you in it!
If I keep whining, the fool will do it for me.
We haven't had a fight in a while
Cheap bastard!
I just do not want (you as a) boyfriend now!
I can't believe that you have nothing planned
I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a girlfriend.
I don't like you.
You never listen!
I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because I know you will.
There is no way I am going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I'm drunk.
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with!
We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends
My puppy does this too!
I am doing your brother.
unless I want an orgasm
Yes.
Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I'm flat chested.
You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
I always do this on my first date.
You won't tell your friends, will you?
Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you the first few times.
I have flabby thighs.
Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have sex with me.
Is sex all you ever think about?
You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
I'm having my period.
I draw the line at barnyard animals.
I've been waiting by the phone for three days.
Bob and I are having sex.
I've been following you all day.
I'm not taking any birth control pills.
What does your drink say about you then!
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify a woman's personality based on what she drinks.
Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality: Flaky, annoying, ditzy, and a pain in the ass
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send you a drink.
Drink: Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.
Drink: Barcardi Brezzer - Hooch
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated, actually as absolutely no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in .
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the male drink analysis.... The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
Cheap Domestic Beer:
He's poor and wants to get laid.
Premium Local Beer:
He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer:
He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid.
Wine:
He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Whisky:
He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who will get in his way of getting laid.
Tequila:
Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something with a pulse.
Barcardi Brezzer-Hooch:
He's gay
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
***
***
15 Things Every Woman Should Have And Should Know By The Time She's 30.
Should Have:
1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.
2. Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.
3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.
5. A youth you're content to move beyond.
6. A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.
7. The realisation that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.
8. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
9. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.
10. A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.
11. Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honoured.
12. A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.
13. A feeling of control over your destiny.
14. A skin care regimen, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.
15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.
Should Know:
1. How to fall in love without losing yourself.
2. How you feel about having kids.
3. How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
4. When to try harder and when to walk away.
5. How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.
6. How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.
7. How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.
8. That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
9. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.
10. What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.
11. How to live alone, even if you don't like it.
12. Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.
13. Where to go-be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
14. What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, a year.
15. Why they say life begins at 30.
Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone
Relationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go.
Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 AM on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once.
There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay.
Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men.
Most 17-year old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.
This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.
They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, coloured stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts.
Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's".
It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.
Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note!!!
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.
Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good.
By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.
This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool.
They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed.
Same reason.
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex.
And not in abstract terms, either.
They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.
The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere.
This is another reason why men hate him.
Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left.
Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.
Women use restrooms as social lounges.
Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other.
Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
Comedy :
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favourite Stooge.
The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
Groceries :
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer.
Then he goes grocery shopping.
He buys everything that looks good.
By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies.
Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes :
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers.
She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes.
Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Going Out :
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her makeup.
Offspring :
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low Blows :
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow.
The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt."
The man groans and doubles over, and actually feels the pain.
Dressing Up :
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, Women talk about "the ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks.
They wear standard white sweat socks.
Women wear strange socks.
Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Nicknames:
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.
But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
Eating Out:
.. and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.
None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, bald men's heads.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Directions :
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.
Men will never stop and ask for directions.
Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there" and, "I know I'm in the general neighbourhood. I recognise that 7-11 store."
Admitting Mistakes :
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Toys :
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys.
As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys:
Plants :
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants.
The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants.
No one knows why this happens.
Cameras :
Men take photography very seriously.
They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.
Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Garages :
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Jewellery :
Women look nice when they wear jewellery.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it.
Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Sport Arenas :
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas.
The women usually end up following men.
Conversation :
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, for example:
"Wow, great movie,"
"What are you, nuts? No Real cop would have an Uzi that size,"
"Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys," etc.
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable:
"That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause.
"That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause.
And so on.
Friends:
Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are:
"Pass the Pringles!" or "Got any more beer?"
Yes I Think So, Don't You Dear!
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favourite fishing lake, and he fished from dawn to dark with his favourite fishing guide. One day the guide, a friend of many years, mentioned that he seemed to spending his whole honeymoon fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhoea, and you know how I love to fish."
A few hours later, the guide said, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhoea, and you know how I love to fish."
The following day, the guide said, "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea (mouth rot), and you know how I love to fish."
Later that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated, the guide approached the subject again.
"I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms, and you know how I just love to fish."
***
Flying Drunks:
Three guys were in a bar and they were all pretty smashed. The first guy said, "I bet that if I had one more beer, I could fly!" The other guys bought their friend another drink. After the first guy finished, he walked up to a nearby cliff and jumped off. The other two guys stared in disbelief as the first guy fell, fell, and then suddenly swooped up and landed on the cliff.
The second guy said, "I bet I can do that too!" He ran down to the bar, chugged a beer, and ran back up to the cliff. Then the second guy jumped off the cliff, fell, fell, and crashed into the ground below.
The third guy turned to the first guy and said, "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman!"
Johnny's Electric Train:
A few days after Christmas, Johnny's mother was working in the kitchen and listening to him playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and Johnny said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your butts on the friggin' train and sit your butts down because were leaving."
Johnny's mother stormed into the living room and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you've settled down, you can play with your trains again, as long as you use proper language."
Two hours later, Johnny came out of his room and resumed playing with his train. Soon, the train stopped and the Johnny's mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under your seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the friggin' bitch in the kitchen."
Peace Between Us
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off a fat little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a coke. "No problem," said the Israeli. "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too." Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the other Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked.
"This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
***
Animals in the City
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.
Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"
"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"
"Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"
All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, matha-fucka!"
Miracle Pig
A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids."
The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg.
"Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.
"Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"
Tough Mice
Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse drank a shot and said, "I play with mousetraps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he drank another shot.
The second mouse drank a shot and said, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he drank another shot.
The third mouse drank a shot, got up and walked away.
The first two mice looked at each other, turned to the third mouse and asked, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stopped and replied, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."
The Bear and the Rabbit
A bear and a rabbit were crapping in the woods. The bear turned to the rabbit and asked,
"Do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit replied, "No, I don't."
So, the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.
I'm Open!
Larry, a local football star, was jogging down the street when he saw a building on fire. A lady was standing on a third-story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
"Hey lady!" yelled Larry. "Throw me the cat!"
"No!" she cried. "It's too far!"
"I play football, I can catch him!"
The smoke was pouring from the windows, and finally the woman waved to Larry, kissed her cat goodbye, and tossed it down to the street.
Larry kept his eye on the cat as it came plunging down toward him. The feline bounced off an awning and Larry ran into the street to catch it. He jumped six feet into the air and made a spectacular, one- handed catch. The crowd that had gathered to watch the fire broke into cheers. Larry did a little dance, lifted the cat above his head, wiggled his knees back and forth, then spiked the cat into the pavement
***
"Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have!"
Also known as: What A Gal, Precious, One Of The Boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, Agreeable, Kindly.
Disadvantages: May wise up someday.
"You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, The Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog From Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans.
"Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Disadvantages: Contagious.
"Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whip Cracker, The Serge, Ms. Know-It-All, Ball And Chain, Yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
"I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair colour?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.
"I've got an idea. Lets get drunk and make love on the front lawn. I done it before. It’s fun."
Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Disadvantages: Unreliable; Drives off cliffs.
"I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No Fun, Humourless Prig, Cold Fish, Chilly Proposition, iceberg, Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Disadvantages: You will have no friends.
"I believe this interpretative dance will explain how I feel about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, Unfathomable.
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud.
"I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, Intelligent Uninhibited.
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"
***
Differences Between You and Your Boss:
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
***
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks:
"Have you been drinking Sir?"
"Why?" asks the man, "Was I all over the road?"
"No" replies the Officer,
"You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
***
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.
There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied.
"We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
***
A man was driving along the highway and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.
A blonde woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road.
Ten feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair. Adds Permanent Wave."
***
An traveller was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, then he saw something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.
The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."
The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."
The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight.
Three hours later he returned.
The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin? "
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body, it fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day on. :))
** So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
** God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends.
** My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
** Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
** Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
** Don't Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen
** Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.
** Of Course I Don't Look Busy...I Did It Right The First Time.
** Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.
** Sorry If I Looked Interested. I'm Not.
** If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.
Actual writings on hospital charts:
1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and put her out of her misery Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"
A Guy's Tips On Dating Different Nationalities
1) A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position. Then you promise to marry her but will probably abandon the idea
2) ITALIAN WOMAN:
First date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant and think that little bit of fuzz above her lip is cute!
Second date: You meet her parents and her mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together; hate the thought of having sex and that cute FUZZ is now a moustache!
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend
3) JEWISH WOMAN:
First date: You get a dynamite blowjob.
Second date: You get another great blowjob.
Third date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
4) MALAY WOMAN:
First date: You get to touch those big breasts of hers.
Second date: You get to home base with her.
Third date: You have to promise her that you are gonna get circumcised. Then you will marry her and find out that you have to support her whole family. The only consolation is that you get to repeat the procedure three other times as allowed under Muslim law.
5) CHINESE WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but still, nothing happens.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date because you have already realized that nothing is going to happen.
6) INDIAN WOMAN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: It's your wedding night and you finally get to meet her
7) BLACK WOMAN:
First date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second date: You get to buy her AND her girlfriends an expensive dinner.
Third date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant
8) IRISH WOMAN:
First date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex
9) GREEK WOMAN:
First date: You find out she's a chain smoker and a heavy drinker, despite the fact she's underage.
Second date: You get her piss drunk and have sex.
Third date: You find out she was a virgin and her dad and 30 uncles are all out searching for you with a shot-gun and a priest ready to perform the wedding liturgy.
***
At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. "The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"
***
How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids:
- Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
- Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
- Grocery Store Test
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
- Dressing Test
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
- Feeding Test
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
- Night Test
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
- Ingenuity Test
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
- Automobile Test
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!
- Physical Test (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.
- Physical Test (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
- Final Assignment
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," Jack replied.
***
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
***
***
I thought this was apt considering we work in an open plan office and all work hard!!!!!
You may want to give your colleagues a nudge every now and again, just in case.
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):
WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.
George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody
noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything."
"He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself."
A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary. Ironically, George was proof-reading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died.
** On a Plumbers truck : "We repair what your husband fixed."
** On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
** Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
** At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."
** Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
** At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
** On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
** In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
** On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."
** At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
** On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
** In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
** On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
** At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
** Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
** In a veterinarian's waiting room : "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
** At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
** In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
** In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait. "
** Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
** I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here
** When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
** I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.
** I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
** After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
** I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
** Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
** Give your son a hint. On his room door put this sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.
** How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
** How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
** Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
** Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
** Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
** I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
** Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."